So it has been a whirlwind 48 hours. I have been reminded once again that nothing in life or in addiction recovery, ever goes as planned. On Monday night, my 5 year old woke up about 11 PM with a raging ear infection. After medicine and spending time with Mom didn't do the trick we ultimately decided he needed a Priesthood blessing. After phone calls to numerous friends and neighbors, I finally tracked someone down. He and I laid hands on my son's head and gave him a blessing. It was a very spiritual moment and we all commented how strong the Spirit was in our home. I was grateful to have been part of it.
Less than 24 hours later that moment seemed very far away. It had started as a lazy day. We slept late after the ordeal the previous night. Then my wife took our oldest to register for High School. It was my day off and I lounged around quite a bit. Finally evening rolled around and my wife was cooking dinner. I walked out to check the mail and started to open an envelope addressed to me. As I opened it I saw it was an advertisement for a men's "enhancement" medication of some sort. I also noticed it contained some very inappropriate photos. My wife asked what it was and I started to explain. She took it from my hands and opened it all the way and was horrified at the contents.
Her immediate reaction was to assume that I had been up to something. It was addressed to me at a house we have only lived in for 4 months and I have been sober those 4 months. So it didn't make sense they would have my name and information even for spam mail. I tried to explain but she just got madder and madder. She said it was evidence that I had been visiting adult sites, because why else would they know my name and address? I was extremely frustrated. I was scrambling in my mind trying to understand. I am far from perfect and I still have very hard days at times where I allow lust into my heart and have to battle mightily to keep from getting in. But I know for certain that I have not visited any explicit or adult sites, I haven't acted out in my addiction and I definitely haven't signed up for anything or given anyone my information that would lead to me receiving adult advertisements in the mail. So I didn't know what to think.
I pleaded with her but she wasn't having it. She's been down this road too many times and she is tired of being hurt. In that moment there is nothing I could have said or done to convince her. So I finally walked out to the back deck in an attempt to compose myself. I was frustrated, I was hurt, I was MAD. I spent 30 minutes searching on the Internet to try and find some sort of explanation, some sort of evidence to clear my name. I had signed up for a free trial for the WWE pro wrestling network, we recently came close to buying a car and sent our information to numerous credit agencies. This led to numerous credit card companies and other places calling and sending mail. Maybe one of them shared my information. Maybe if I can find an article that shows other people who did business with these companies started receiving spam mail, then I can show her. I can prove that I'm right.
Somewhere in the middle of all this scrambling, the Spirit whispered some things to me that bored strait to my soul.
Number 1; Who could blame her for assuming the worst? How many times have I legitimately put her through this? How many times have I promised I was clean and telling the truth when I was desperately covering an intricate web of lies. She would be crazy at this point to believe me no matter how innocent I proclaimed to be. That is the legacy I have created based upon my previous actions and mistakes. It is my fault she assumes the worst and I have to accountable for that.
Number 2; I can't fix it. There is absolutely nothing I could say or do or prove, that is going to change her mind. I have to surrender this to the Savior and trust Him. I have to trust that there is something I need to learn from this experience. It was a great reminder that I have so much more growing to do. This is a lifelong journey and all I can control is this moment on this day. I have to trust the rest to Him. So I bowed my head and said a prayer and simply surrendered it to Him and promised to do my best to trust Him. After that I immediately pulled out my phone and started sending texts to my support system. I received many responses back with promises to pray for me and my family. It helped me to feel connected and reminded me that I am not alone. It helped me to feel peace.
I don't know what tomorrow brings. I don't know where I will be in a week or a month or a year. I only know that today, I am trying desperately to let go and let God.
