My Story

I have spent many hours over my life trying to determine the roots of my struggle with things of a sexual nature.  It is hard to really pinpoint every factor but I think it will be helpful for me and others to put in writing my journey to this point.  So here goes.

I moved to Utah when I was 5 years old.  When I was younger there was no Internet and outside of mail order, adult magazines and films were unheard of.  I still vividly remember the first time I was ever exposed to pornography.  I was around 7 or 8 years old.  I grew up across the street from a large undeveloped field.  It was overgrown with trees, brush and rocks.  It was every young boys dream.  A wilderness adventure area a 90 second walk from my home.  It was where my friends and I passed our summer days, building forts and having battles with rocks and sticks.  Well a few years after I moved there, they started to develop the land and one by one, houses started to pop up in this abandoned area.  There were still places to play but it wasn't quite the same.  One afternoon my friends and I were playing near one of the houses under construction and we found an adult magazine.  We immediately sat down and started looking at the images.  We were all good kids with a religious background from strong LDS families.  But we looked, and we looked a lot.  The next day one of my friends pulled a few of the images from his pocket that he had torn from the magazine and we looked again.  Even at that young age I remember being strangely drawn to specific images.  It was like they became embedded in my brain.

After that it was a few years before any further exposure but I never forgot that magazine and the images within.

My addiction escalated again when I was about 13.  We got cable TV at my house for the first time ever.  As part of our package we got HBO.  Within days of the service being activated I realized that there were films being aired with strong sexual undertones and adult scenes.  It was then that a whole new world opened up to me.  It was around this same time that I discovered masturbation.  I discovered it almost by accident.  I was scratching and adjusting and it felt good, so I kept going until it was over.  I had no idea what I had just experienced, but I liked it; I liked it but I was scared at the same time.  I remember immediately being worried that someone would find out.  Something deep inside of me whispered "don't tell your parents."

I continued experimenting for a while after that, not really knowing what I was doing but still keeping it a secret.

When I was 14, I had a lesson in my Teacher's Quorum on morality and inappropriate films and masturbation were both discussed.  For the first time since I'd discovered those feelings, I knew of a surety that what I was doing was wrong; that it was a sin.  For a while I was scared strait.  I white-knuckled and managed to maintain a period of abstinence.

In the coming years I would be exposed to adult phone lines and chat services.  It was here that I first discovered the allure and escape of fantasy where I could escape reality and be someone else; someone that I thought was more desirable, more fun.  Prior to serving a mission I was able to white-knuckle for a period of time but I was called to serve in Belgium and France.  Not exactly the best locale for one who struggles with things of a sexual nature.

On my mission I was constantly bombarded with adult magazines and television clips.  In Belgium, prostitution is legal and prevalent.  There are "red light districts" where the adult industry is openly on display in every community.  Things were almost as bad in France where adult magazines and books are clearly visible in every bookstore and gas station and nudity is commonplace on standard television.    I did not always seek these things out, they were just there, everywhere.  I struggled mightily at times. 

When I returned home I quickly fell back into my bad habits and for the first time in my life I had daily Internet access.  I quickly spiraled out of control.  For a time I quit even trying to fight it off.  I indulged on a regular basis.  It was a very dark time.  After 2-3 years of significant struggles there were 2 amazing things that happened.  First, I met Sidreis and we started to get serious and she made it clear that even though she had also had her struggles that she wanted the fairy tale.  She wanted the temple and a worthy Priesthood holder.  Around that same time, one of the great miracles of my life occurred.  Out of the blue, I received a letter in the mail from the Bishop of my home ward.  I hadn't lived there in 2-3 years but he had been one of my Young Men's leaders when I was growing up and had always been a great role model to me.  His letter was simple.  He simply let me know that I was missed.  That I was loved and that his door was always open if I needed to talk.  It was just the push I needed.  For the first time in my life I shared everything that I had struggled with, all the baggage that I had been carrying around since I was 13 years old.  It was hard, yet strangely empowering.  I felt so much lighter to have finally shared my burden.

Sidreis and I were married shortly after that and I continued the process with a new Bishop.  I had to go through a disciplinary council and started working towards entering the Temple.  But despite my efforts I had still not really come to understand the nature of my addiction.  I found myself falling back into old habits.  Chatting online and calling phone lines.  Fantasy once again became my escape from reality.

We would move again shortly after this and I would once again find myself in the office of a new Bishop.  This time I was able to white knuckle and gain some significant sobriety.  I was able to enter the temple and be sealed to my wife and my oldest son.  It was a wonderful time but it didn't last long.  The Bishop that had been our rock and helped us fight to get to the temple was made the Stake President and we didn't bond with the new Bishop.  On top of that our finances were falling apart, I was debating whether or not to go back to school and once again we moved.

Our new ward was very transient with tons of apartments and rentals.  The turnover was constant and it was so easy to fall through the cracks, and so we did.  We were almost completely inactive.  It was easier to hide then to own up to another Bishop about my struggles.  Finally through the prayers and efforts of an amazing Elder Quorum President and his sweet wife and a Bishop that wouldn't let us fall through the cracks, we began attending Church again.  It was then that my wife first started attending 12 Step meetings.  It was like watching a miracle unfolding before my eyes.  I could see her changing, the darkness falling away from her countenance and hope forming in her eyes.  But I didn't have the strength to follow her example.  The breakthrough finally happened around the time that she was to go back to the temple.  I wasn't worthy to go with her and so I was a mess.  She was confused as to what was going on and so  I was finally able to spill that I needed the recovery program just as much as she did.  It was a small step but I was finally moving forward.

The first time I attended a meeting I almost had a panic attack.  I have a very public job that requires me to interact with a large number of people in my community.  I was horrified at who I might see there.  I even mentally made a list of the WORST people I could see at a meeting.  Neighbors, co-workers, my parents' friends and neighbors, my older brother.  I was so scared.  Ultimately though I made it to a  meeting and it was an amazing experience.

Since then my life has been a bit of a roller coaster.  When I am actively working the steps and doing what I need to be doing, things are mostly good.  There are struggles but they can be managed through humility, honesty and prayer.  When I am not doing these things, the addiction and desire to escape to fantasy rears its ugly head once again.  It is a daily struggle that is only manageable when I include the Savior and my support system in my battles.  I am not strong enough to fight this alone, but with divine help and a strong brotherhood of recovering friends I can do it.  I am the son of a loving Heavenly Father and I do not have to fight this battle alone.  I just have to be humble enough to ask for help and let people in.