One Day At A Time

"The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time." Abraham Lincoln

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Journal: Just Breathe

It has been a very full couple weeks.  I graduated from College today with my Bachelor's degree.  It was a wonderful experience that was a long time coming, and even though I walked, I am still finishing up one final project.  I was just close enough that they let me participate in graduation.  I will hopefully be done in a couple weeks for good.  The stress of finishing and trying to get everything done in time has definitely had an impact on my recovery.  I am still doing dailies but they are not as long or dedicated as I would like them to be.  I have felt lately like I am constantly tired and lacking sleep.  On top of everything else we have been dealing with some significant financial challenges.

That said, there has still been much to be grateful for.  I have continued to reach out to my support network and gotten encouragement and support from them.  It is so nice during a down day to get a text from someone just saying "hey, I was thinking about you, I hope you are doing well."  Those texts mean so much to me and never fail to lift me up.  I have come to the belief that support is a karmic event.  The more willing I am to reach out when I am doing well and feeling strong, the more likely I am to be missed and get messages of strength and support when I am struggling, stressed or overwhelmed.  If I pay it forward by lifting others, the Lord will always see to it that I get the lift I need as well.

I have also become increasingly grateful for music.  Some months ago I took the 30 day challenge from K-Love, a Christian radio station.  They challenge you to listen to nothing else for 30 days and see if it has an impact on your life.  Well I have been listening to them almost exclusively for almost 90 days now and I am constantly finding myself signing along to the songs and feeling the Spirit no matter what I am doing.  My 13 year old son has also started commenting on his favorite songs and artists.  It has become a great calming and peaceful part of my day to get in the car and hear songs that testify of the Savior at all times. 

Today was particularly difficult.  I woke  up feeling almost as if I hadn't slept at all and really drug my feet getting to work.  I sat at my desk for a few minutes staring into space and finally mustered the courage to get some work done.  Rather than dragging my heels I decided to tackle a tedious project that I have been putting off for quite some time.  I queued up a conference talk on my phone and went to work.  It was slow going at first as I slowly coaxed my brain into action but I found that as I committed myself to working hard and listened to Elder Nelson speak about missionary work, I was able to be productive and get my day off to a good start.  It was hard, but as I put forth the effort and did my best to put myself into a good place, the Lord stepped in and did the rest.  I had a good day at work, was able to celebrate my graduation with my family and now head to bed exhausted but fulfilled.

Bad days will happen, stress will come, life just happens sometimes, but when I exercise my faith and do what I need to do, the blessings and support will also come.  Today was a wonderful reminder of the Lord's hand in my life and I am very grateful for Him.

~~~ Tim

A Few Crazy Things About Me

So I have been blogging for a few months now and while I have given a few details about me and my life, most of my posts have been about recovery.  So I wanted to take a minute to tell you a few odd and fun things about me.

• I am originally from Arizona.  I was born in Kingman and then lived in the Phoenix area for the first few years of my life.  I moved to Utah when I was 5 years old and my only memory of Phoenix is going to the MetroCenter Mall in Phoenix and getting giant iced Cookie Monster cookies at a specialty bakery there.  
• I served  a mission in the Belgium-Brussels Mission and I speak French.  This is something I have tried to maintain.  I even just finished taking French courses at college to try to maintain a level of fluency.  When I was serving there my favorite city was Strasbourg, France.  In Strasbourg there is a beautiful area near downtown called Petite-France.  It was so beautiful to spend time there.  It felt like you were going back in time a couple hundred years.  Walking over worn cobblestone and seeing the old style shops and homes.

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•  I absolutely love baseball.  I love to watch, play and play fantasy baseball and other associated games.  I am a diehard fan of the Los Angeles Dodgers.  I became a Dodger fan because my grandfather was a lifelong fan and used to tell me stories about watching the greats like Sandy Koufax, Duke Snider and other legends.  Towards the end of his life he gave me a Brooklyn Dodgers logo hat he had purchased at the National Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, New York because he thought of all his grandsons, I would be the one to appreciate it the most.
• In my adventures in retail management I have reported a dead body to the local authorities and given the Heimlich maneuver to someone that was choking.  I have often joked that I could write a book about some of the things I have encountered working in retail management but these are two of the most interesting.  I found the body on a very cold Utah winter night when a poor homeless man had huddled against our building to try and stay warm and died of exposure.  I have no idea why he didn't just come inside but it was a sad night.  The Heimlich happened one night when a young man was choking on a corn dog in the hot deli area and no one knew what to do.  They called me because I was the manager on duty and they thought I might know what to do.  I told them to call 911 and then did my best to perform the Heimlich.  I was never a very good Boy Scout but I remembered enough to get the job done and he was able to cough up chunks of corn dog mixed with some nasty phlegm from a recent case of bronchitis.  It was pretty gross but I was glad that he was ok.
• I am the middle of 5 children.  I have 1 older brother, 1 older sister, and 1 younger brother and 1 younger sister.  I was sort of the bridge in our family as my oldest sister and my youngest sister are almost 16 years apart.  I was the baby for the first 8 years of my life and then after my older siblings moved out I was the oldest child and was the babysitter and what not my younger siblings.  I was the only one in my family that really "grew up" with everyone.  
• I love Halloween.  I still dress up with my kids almost every year.  I have come up with some pretty crazy costumes over the years but this one in my favorite.  I am the big 70's hippie guy on the right and the guy? on the left was my boss at the time.

So that is a little bit about me.  I hope that you enjoyed it.  I hope to get more information about me posted in the coming weeks including a detailed post about my life and how I first encountered my addiction but for today I just wanted to share a little about who I really am.

~~~ Tim

Faith: Indiana Jones Style

I always loved the Indiana Jones movies growing up and there was one particular scene in The Last Crusade that does a great job of portraying faith and how to trust and exercise faith.  I was thinking about this clip the other day and to my amazement someone took the very clip I was thinking of and set it to music and included scripture references.

Taking that leap is hard, but God will catch us!

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Why Do I Do Dailies?

On Saturday, I had the opportunity to sit down with one of my sponsors and complete my Step 5.  It was an amazing experience and I was given some great counsel by this great brother.  Over the course of our discussions he said one thing in particular that really touched my heart.  While discussing my struggles with understanding my self worth and my feeling that my struggle with inadequacy and self doubt was one of my biggest triggers and root causes of my addiction, he asked me what I was doing to overcome these root causes.  I outlined my daily lists and action plan that I have been trying to follow.  He commended me for my efforts and then said something I will never forget.

He explained that in his own recovery there had been a couple incidents that had really been breakthroughs for him.  One of those breakthroughs was when he came to the understanding that dailies were so important in his recovery.  Not because we are commanded to do them, not because we have a to-do list that includes them.  Rather, he had recognized that doing dailies brought him closer to his Father in Heaven and Savior and he needed that relationship to sustain his recovery.  It was only through this closeness to a loving Father and Redeemer that he was able to sustain his efforts and overcome an addiction he could never overcome on his own.

That really struck me.  It made me evaluate and question my own efforts.  I have a pretty good routine down with my dailies.  But am I doing it because I am supposed to?  Because its on my daily task list, or because I recognize that it brings me closer to my Heavenly Father?  I decided to spend some time studying this concept and would like to share some of my findings here.

One of the first places I looked was the most recent General Conference.  I was led to the wonderful message of President Eyring called "Come Unto Me".  He gives an amazing promise that if we pray and try to find opportunities to serve others the Savior will draw closer to us and be more involved in our lives; "My promise to you who pray and serve the Lord cannot be that you will have every blessing you may wish for yourself and your family. But I can promise you that the Savior will draw close to you and bless you and your family with what is best."  What an amazing promise for one like myself who struggles to remember that relationship and that love of my Savior who is constantly there for me.  Prayer, a key element of dailies, will draw my Savior to me.

It turns out, President Eyring has been sharing this testimony of coming closer to the Savior for many years, I found another talk he gave back in 1991 when he was a counselor in the Presiding Bishopric called "To Draw Closer To God".  His message then was much the same that it is today; "If you want to stay close to someone who has been dear to you, but from whom you are separated, you know how to do it. You would find a way to speak to them, you would listen to them, and you would discover ways to do things for each other. The more often that happened, the longer it went on, the deeper would be the bond of affection. If much time passed without the speaking, the listening, and the doing, the bond would weaken."  I love this concept of viewing our relationship with our Father in Heaven as that of loved ones who have been separated from us for a time.  If one of my children or my parents were on a mission and we were separated, I would seek out opportunities to be in their life.  Emails, social media, phone calls and any means needed.  Letters and emails from them would be cherished moments to study and read about them.  This same relationship is possible with my Heavenly Father and Savior.  I can talk to them every day in prayer and listen for their answers in quiet meditation.  I can listen to them through study of the scriptures and the words of modern prophets.  This will as President Eyring testifies; deepen the bond of affection between us. 

One other talk that really touched my heart as I studied this concept was given in this past October Conference by the General Sunday School President, Russel T. Osguthorpe.  It is titled; "One Step Closer To The Savior".  The message of his talk was actually to announce the new teaching method for the Youth Sunday School that was recently implemented.  But he also gives a powerful testimony of how studying the Gospel will bring us closer to the Savior; "When we learn and teach His word in His way, we accept His invitation to “come, follow me.” We follow Him one step at a time. With each step, we draw closer to the Savior. We change. The Lord knew that spiritual growth did not happen all at once. It comes gradually. Each time we accept His invitation and choose to follow Him, we progress along the pathway to full conversion."  I love his testimony that learning and teaching what we learn is a way to draw closer to the Savior but also his gentle reminder that this will not happen overnight.  It is a process that happens gradually over time, which is why it is so important to find time to study and learn every single day.  Thus the concept of "dailies". 

I so grateful for these powerful testimonies of modern prophets.  I know there are countless others that I could list here that say the very same thing.  If I want to know my Heavenly Father and my Savior more intimately, if I want to feel them in my life, I know how to make this happen.  THIS is why I need to do my dailies every single day.  I cannot do this alone, I need help and the help will come if I seek it out.

~~~ Tim

Step 4: Understanding The True Nature Of My Addiction

     I recently completed a refresh of my Step 4. I had done a Step 4 before but I never really felt great about it and I struggled to get through Steps 6 and 7 so I decided to re-visit it recently. I realized that the aspect of Step 4 that I had completely overlooked was trying to understand the true nature of my addiction. The LDS ARP Manual gives more detail on this concept;

As you do your inventory, look beyond your past behaviors and examine the thoughts, feelings, and beliefs that led to your behavior. Your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs are actually the roots of your addictive behaviors. Unless you examine all your tendencies toward fear, pride, resentment, anger, self-will, and self-pity, your abstinence will be shaky at best. You will continue with your original addiction or switch to another one. Your addiction is a symptom of other “causes and conditions” (Alcoholics Anonymous [2001], 64).

I realized that this was exactly what I had been struggling with.  I hadn't truly analyzed the roots of my behaviors and so my abstinence and sobriety was "shaky at best".  I recently finished writing about what I feel is the root and true nature of my addiction and I wanted to share it here because it was a powerful learning process for me.

The True Nature of My Addiction

         I did not spent much or any time on this section the last go round.  I have learned a great deal about myself in the past couple years since first starting this process.  I realized that despite doing a relatively adequate job of discussing my sins I had never really understood WHY.  Why do I act out like this?  Why have I continually chosen this path even when it affects my family, my children, my finances, my employment and my ability to complete my education?  I have finally started to come to some conclusions after my last relapse period.  I realize that far and away my biggest character weakness and flaw is that I have never really loved myself.  I have lived with intense feelings of shame and inadequacy for most of my life.  I have never really felt loved or connected to other people.  I have never really understood or believed that I was truly a child of God that had great value.  I have never been able to look into the mirror and be happy with what I see.  It is because of this that when I trigger or act out it often strays to fantasy environments where I can be someone else.  Where I can envision the stereotype of what the world had taught me a successful, attractive man is.  When I would feel inadequate I would trigger and then the easiest solution was to enter my fantasy world.  When I entered chat rooms or called phone lines it was because I could become someone else.  I hated myself so I would slip away and be the person that I thought was better, more valuable and more desirable

         Then in the depths of my addiction it dominated everything.  I would make poor financial decisions because I felt my family would think less of me if I said that we couldn’t afford something they wanted.  That would lead to lies and more deceit which just motivated me more and more to live in that fantasy world.  It all became a tangled binding of flaxen cords like Nephi describes.  But at the root was that constant fear, that constant belief that I am not enough, that I don’t have value.  I truly came to believe that I was beyond the help or care of a loving Father in Heaven and Savior.  It is still something I struggle with.  It is something I have to really be conscious to work on and be proactive about.  I know that this is something that I can remedy with learning to trust in the Lord.  With believing that I have an eternal Father and Savior who love me infinitely.  I have moments when I believe, when I do really know that to be true.  But in moments of weakness I have never really been able to believe in that enough for it to override the fear and the inadequacy. 

         The inadequacy leads to poor decisions, which then leads to the second scariest prong of my addiction, deceit.  I make poor decisions when I am feeling inadequate and then I lie over and over again to cover up the mistakes I made as a result of my lack of self-worth and self-esteem.  This creates the nasty cycle of my addiction.  I am finally starting to see that.  I am still learning how to overcome it, how to really trust and give it away.  But I think it is important and empowering to finally recognize and understand what the cycle is, what the true nature of my struggle is.  That way I can start to recognize when problems will arise.

         I am also starting to understand that idle time is a far bigger trigger for me than stress.  The stress does eventually come but when I act out and when I turn to my addiction it is almost always in moments of boredom or lack of planning.  When I allow myself to be alone when I shouldn’t, when I fail to reach out when I should.  I have never been good at reaching out to others and saying, I need help, I am not in a good place.  One of my favorite things in the world has always been “do nothing days”  Days when I had nothing planned and I could just lounge around and have no plans, no obligations and obviously tons and tons of time to act out and put myself into very scary and dangerous situations.  I relished it for so many years.  I have now started planning out my days, especially my idle time.  I text my Bishop or a sponsor when I know I will be alone for a few hours and let him know what my plan is and then follow up with him when I am not alone anymore.  It is just a small step but it is a start and it is helping me to understand.

~~~ Tim

Some Days I Just Don't Like Myself Very Much

It has been a rough couple days.  Not so much with triggers and temptations related to my addiction but rather with self esteem and depression.  Some days when I look in the mirror I just don't like myself very much.  After years of shame and self-loathing it is hard to see the light in my own eyes even when I am taking needed steps to be worthy of the Spirit.

I recently completed a refresh of my Step 4.  I did a step 4 about 18 months ago and even shared it with my Bishop and a sponsor in Step 5.  But I struggled to advance through step 6 and 7.  I just wasn't ready to give up those character weaknesses.  So this time around I made a goal to completely do step 4.  Answer the questions in the books with detail and spend time trying to get to the root of my triggers and my struggles.  It was during this experience that I came to the realization that many of my struggles stem from feeling inadequate.  Allowing myself to fall into the fantasy world of addiction seemed a logical decision when faced with my own inadequacies and failures.

When I was a teenager, my mom spent a good chunk of time as the Young Women's President in our ward.  You can imagine how pleasant this was for a typical teenage boy.  Not only did she know when all the activities, meetings and events were, she was in attendance at them!  One of my most vivid memories of this time was a set of flags that our ward had made to represent the Young Women's Values.  At every activity I was recruited to haul them in and out of the Young Women's closet so they were displayed at activities and meetings.  As I would carry them I couldn't help but read the names and messages that were displayed.  Most of them made perfect sense.  Faith, Virtue, Integrity, Good Works.  These were solid gospel topics that made sense.  The 2 that always made me chuckle a little at the time were; Divine Nature and Individual Worth.  I thought it was silly.  We all knew who we were.  I grew up in Utah and I had probably sung I Am A Child A God, one million and seven times in my life.  I knew what my nature was and obviously being linked with God gave me worth.  I vividly remember thinking this and finding it amusing that those values were included.  Now I understand that even at that young age, Satan was already in my head trying to lessen the importance and thus my understanding of these powerful concepts.

As I stated in my previous blog entry, I made a list of questions prior to Conference that I felt I needed answered or clarified.  Once the talks are available online in print form I will copy and past my thoughts along with the answers I received, but I really wanted to share one powerful message that I received in answer to my questions and prayers. The first question that I had was;

• Help me to better understand and have a greater testimony of my divine nature and relationship with my Father in Heaven.  

During the Priesthood Session, President Uchtdorf addressed this very topic and his words were so powerful and beneficial to me that I wanted to share them here, both as a reminder to myself on days like today but also in hopes that they might give strength to others.  His talk was about labels and titles that we give ourselves in life.  Family titles, employment titles, even church titles.  He then gave a list of 4 titles that we SHOULD be giving ourselves that will give us strength.   Here is a short video with some highlights from his amazing message.  I hope that it will touch some of you the same way that it did me. 







I am still learning these concepts but I am so grateful for men of God who guide me and help to build my testimony of the love and connection that I have with my Father in Heaven.  I am grateful for answers to my prayers.

*** EDIT - I just noticed that full text versions of all Conference talks are now available so if you would like to read the entire talk it is now available.

~~~ Tim

The Power of General Conference

I used to dread General Conference.  When I was mired deep in my addiction it meant the inevitable phone calls from my Dad and brothers about attending the Priesthood Session and discussions with neighbors and co-workers about the messages given.  I didn't want to go and I didn't want to watch.  Hearing messages of repentance and spirituality are hard to hear when you are living far from the blessings of the Lord.  I recall one particular year when I was serving as an Elder's Quorum instructor in our ward and the Elders Quorum President asked if instead of a lesson I would lead a discussion inviting the brothers to share their favorite experiences from a recent session of Conference.  I hadn't watched a single second of it, which made leading a discussion an interesting challenge.  I would often try to work just to avoid it.  It was easier to explain why I hadn't watched when I could blame it on work.  It was hard and I missed so much.

When I came up with my my relapse recovery plan a few months back one of the key elements was to listen to conference talks on my phone on a regular basis.  As I started to listen to a talk or two every day I realized how much I had missed.  There were literally YEARS of talks and messages of power that I had missed entirely.  It has been very rewarding to play catch up and listen to these messages of love and support these past weeks. 

Today is going to be a long day.  I work a double and I am cramming everything together and skipping lunch and breaks to try and finish in time to watch Priesthood with my son.  But I am SOOO excited to watch Conference.  It is such a difference from the feelings of fear and avoidance of the past.

So I wanted to give you a challenge!  About a year ago our Home Teacher challenged us to watch Conference weekend with questions in mind.  He actually challenged us to write down at least 3 questions that we needed inspiration and help with in our lives.  He bore testimony that if we would do this diligently and prayerfully that we would receive answers to the questions.  I know this to be true.  As members of the restored Church of Jesus Christ we have access to revelation to know the Lord's will.  This weekend is one of those opportunities.  So seize the day my friends!  Join me in seeking answers to the problems that weigh us down and cause us stress.  Our Heavenly Father will give us guidance.

Looking forward to a great conference weekend!

~~~ Tim

Journal: Routines, Isolation and Grace

There have been so many thoughts bouncing around in my head these past couple days that it is tough to come up with something to write about.  It has been a rough few days.  My family is out of town and I have had to spend quite a bit of time on my own.  I have learned how much I have come to rely on my routines.  Under normal circumstances I arrive to work between 4 and 5 AM so that I am home in time to pick up our youngest son from daycare.  Those first 2 hours of my morning have been my solace.  I listen to conference talks while I work and it really gets my day off to a great start.  Well this week there is no motivation to get out of bed early.  I have no obligations after work so it is so easy to hit snooze on that alarm and come into work later.  This leads to my mornings being rushed, my dailies being shortened or moved back to the evening and I am definitely noticing the difference.

My sleep schedule is also out of whack.  Our normal evening routine is to read scriptures as a family after dinner, then watch TV and work on homework for a couple hours and then around 8:30 we usher everyone to bed and then we relax and get ready for bed ourselves.  This helps me wind down and gets me to sleep at a decent hour.  Well without all those obligations of getting kids to bed and such I am struggling to get into a normal sleep schedule.  Being tired is not a healthy place for an addict to be.

The one thing keeping me sane has been the amazing response I have received from many of my sponsors and support group.  I have been getting and receiving numerous texts everyday and that keeps me grounded.  Knowing that people are out there thinking of me, praying for me and rooting for me.  It is a wonderful reminder that I am not alone in this journey.  Even if I have to spend a few days alone physically, I am not alone in spirit.

I am also very grateful for a wonderful talk that was given in our Easter Sacrament meeting this past Sunday.  It was on the enabling power of the Atonement and the Grace that comes to all of us through our Savior.  The speaker talked about how there are things in our lives that we simply cannot do on our own.  We lack the strength and the knowledge.  That is where the Grace from the Atonement comes in to lift us up to places we could never go on our own.  The Sister that spoke also shared numerous excerpts from a wonderful talk by Brother Brad Wilcox called His Grace Is Sufficient.  It has fast become one of my favorite resources for understanding how to access the power of the Atonement in my life.  Her message was a wonderful reminder that help is available, I do not have to fight this battle alone. 

The other good news is that yesterday marked 8 weeks of recovery and clean living.  It seems like just yesterday my life was crumbling around me but through the help of my Savior and many prayers from family members and friends, he is slowly teaching me how to put my life back together.  I am forever grateful for his support and know that I could NEVER do it alone.

~~~ Tim