The Power Of Connection: My 'Z' List

Awhile back, one of the missionaries from my PASG meeting shared an interesting concept.  He said that when he first began recovery, he was firmly convinced that the opposite of addiction was sobriety, or freedom from addition.  Thus his primary goal in overcoming his addiction was to gain sobriety.  He focused on it, fought for it and strove for it.  He then shared his testimony that over time, with study and prayer he slowly came to the realization that the opposite of addiction was not sobriety, but rather...  Connection.  Addiction teaches us to isolate, to hide, to deceive and to live double lives.  Connection on the other hand, at least true, worthwhile connection, asks us to be open, honest and vulnerable.  Willing to give to others and let them inside and see who we really are.

Social worker Brené Brown defines connection as;

"the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship."

I've thought about that a lot since he shared it and tried to wrap my brain around it.  How can connection with others help me overcome addiction?  This of course made me think about support, my support network, how I use them and how I came to have a support network.  So I wanted to share a little about that today.  How my support network helps me connect and gives me sustenance and strength.

My 'Z' List

When I first started attending recovery meetings, I wanted to be in and out as quickly as possible.  I only spoke to the people that spoke to me, typically facilitators and Missionaries.  The minute the closing prayer was over, I was out the door.  I had no interest in really getting to know anyone.  For a long time I never sought a sponsor or anyone to support me outside the meetings.  Then one day I felt very connected to one of the facilitators,  I asked if we could exchange numbers and he pleasantly accepted.  At first I really didn't see the value even then, so I rarely sent a text and never made a phone call.  It was just another number in my phone.  Then one day I had an amazing experience.  I was home alone and in a very bad place.  I was laying on my bed and I was headed down a path into a dark place that would have surely ended in acting out and submitting to my temptations.  Suddenly, right as I was nearing the point of no return, my phone went off.  I picked it up in frustration and to my amazement, it was a text from my friend.  He was thinking of me, wanted to check in on me,  I immediately recognized it as a tender mercy and was able to pull out of the dark place I was in.  From that time forward I have had a regular dialogue with this brother.  That experience helped me to see the value of connecting with others who understood what I was going through.

Now I wish I could say that I immediately sought out other people to love and support me but it didn't quite go that smoothly.  I started writing down numbers in my ARP manual but they were never around when I needed them and outside of that one brother, I still rarely reached out.  Then one day in the hallway after a meeting I overheard someone talking about how they have all their recovery contacts listed in their phone with a 'Z' in front of the name so that when a text or call comes in, even if they don't recognize the number or the name, they know it is from a brother in recovery.  I thought this was an amazing idea and so my 'Z' list was born.  I started slow, adding a number here or there and occasionally sending out a text to someone outside my comfort zone.  I acquired a second regular text buddy only to have him leave on a mission a few months into our friendship.

So went my roller coaster experience with recovery.  I went through weeks, even months at a time that I rarely reached out, never really shared what I was struggling with and regularly lost my sobriety.  Finally after my last relapse I started to understand what was missing.  Honesty, vulnerability, willingness to actually put myself out there and say; "I'm struggling, I'm hurting, can you pray for me, can you think of me".  It was hard.  After years of isolation and fear, how do you shake off those shackles and break free?  Well it doesn't happen over night, but day by day, meeting by meeting, I gathered more numbers.  I would hang out in the room after and talk to people whose testimonies had touched me, interact with my brothers and I slowly started to become friends with people.  I realized that these men already knew.  They had been there with loving arms when I broke down, confessing my relapse and my dishonesty.  They had walked the path I walk and shared the same hopes, dreams and fears.  If anyone was 'safe' it was the men in those rooms.  Suddenly my phone was ringing multiple times throughout the day, my 'support brothers' were becoming real friends that I loved and cared about.  Connections were being formed.

As I saw the strength of these connections it gave me the strength to open up more.  I shared openly with my siblings, my ward and then ultimately in a public manner on this blog.  Being open was scary, it was stressful but just as I found with my brothers in my recovery groups, I have made many new friends here.  I have even been regularly exchanging texts with Warrior.  He is a good man and shares some amazing thoughts with me.

There is so much strength in connection with others.  A lie cannot find a place in my heart to nestle and hide if I have a list of people that know about my struggles that I am comfortable giving up my secrets to.  Darkness cannot reign within me when I am surrounded by so many people willing to share their light!

To me, that is the secret of recovery.  Letting people in.  Letting them love me.  Letting them know me, even the scary parts that I want to hide.  As I find the strength to open those doors, the dark places are filled with light.  Satan wants me alone, he wants me one on one so that his is the only influence that has power over me.  But I do not have to fight him alone.  My Savior is always with me, but right behind him is my army.  My army of family, neighbors, and friends.  They stand behind me, every step of the way because I let them in.