Spending a Saturday at UCAP

So I had the amazing opportunity this past Saturday to spend the day at the annual Utah Coalition Against Pornography event in Salt Lake City, Utah. It was an incredibly humbling experience. There were numerous speakers and events and workshops. There were booths representing exploitation of women and children, therapists who treat those that struggle with sexual addiction. Authors that have written about the topic. Numerous different 12 step and other recovery programs. Programs to support spouses and family members of addicts. It was an incredible site to behold.

I spent the day working at one of the booths and I got to spend my entire day talking about recovery. Talking about how important resources, and education and seeking new knowledge is to sustained recovery. But most of all I spent an entire day talking about sexual and pornography addiction with like-minded people. With people seeking truth and knowledge and hope for their families, for themselves. On more than one occasion as I watched people flow into the main concourse as the sessions would let out and everyone would be sharing the same space for a period of time and I would think to myself, "All of these people are here today because they get it. They get how bad the problem is and they either want to get help for themselves or want to help others get help" How amazing is that? Whether addicts, therapists, life coaches, church leaders or families members who have suffered as as result of the actions of another. All of them were there giving up their Saturday because they wanted to learn more and support those who suffer.

Another amazing experience for me personally is I got the chance to meet many of my wife's friends and colleagues from the recovery world. I learned that she is a very well-known in these circles. On more than one occasion I heard people yell out at her from across the room and up and hug her. Twice people ran up and called me by name and asked where my wife was and I had no idea who they were. But they knew me and knew who my wife was. I was grateful to see that so many people have seen how special she is and that she has touched them. And the coolest part is as I got the change to meet and interact with many of these folks, there was no trepidation or fear. I recognize that some of them might be people that she has confided in, that know my deepest darkest secrets. But I felt no shame. I was just happy to be there helping and trying to share a little of what I have gained through my recovery with others. I can't imagine having done that 2-3 years ago. I would have been terrified. I would have been paralyzed by the fear that "some of these people might KNOW about me." But I wasn't, and that was a pretty awesome and freeing feeling.

Throughout the day I found myself having the same conversation over and over again with friends and Church leaders. "What more can we do about this growing problem?" And time and time again the answer that came to me was the same. We need more days like this. We need more events like UCAP. We need more people who are willing to talk about it. More people willing to stand up and say "I am an addict and I'm trying to get better and here is my story." More people willing to say; "I am the spouse or parent of an addict and my world was torn apart through no fault of my own but I am trying to heal and here is my story." We need more people who are willing to talk about it. In AA and SA there is a slogan that "we are only as sick as our secrets." And if UCAP taught me anything it's that we have to stop being afraid of our secrets. I've had people write me and tell me how much my story has touched them and it's so humbling to hear. But imagine if there were hundreds or thousands more out there willing to be open and share. It's scary, but breaking through fear is incredibly liberating after living a life of isolation for 30 years.

We have to be willing to talk to our families, our kids, our neighbors.

We have to be willing to talk about it, for that is how we can heal.

Attitude is Everything

So the last couple weeks have been a bit of a whirlwind. I had to work 6 days a week, 2 out of the last 3 weeks. It was a very busy week at work full of extra meetings, work travel and just a busy time of year. I felt overwhelmed at times. On top of everything else we had to move because our lease was up on our old house and the owners wanted to sell. They were open to us staying and going month to month but we didn't want to risk them selling the house from under us so we decided to leave on our terms. Things went smoothly and we had a lot of wonderful help from our neighbors and ward members. But through it all I struggled at times to find balance.

Somewhere along the way I decided that it was OK to start feeling sorry for myself. I started to focus purely on the negatives in my situation. "Wow I can't believe I keep getting called in on my day off." "I can't believe I had to spend my only 2 days off moving and unpacking and cleaning." It is easy to get sucked down the rabbit hole when I focus on the negative. The reality is, there will always be hurdles in life. There will always be times of trial that are more difficult, that are frustrating. That is how we grow. It is how I grow. But when these times arise, it is my experience that attitude is everything.

Thursday night after I good talk with my wife I recognized that about 90% of my problem was me. I was focusing entirely on everything that was bad in my life when there is so much to be thankful for. We found a beautiful new home in an amazing neighborhood. My relationship with my wife and family is growing stronger and better each day. I have over 19 weeks of sobriety and clean living because I am learning more and more each day to lean on the Savior and surrender my struggles to Him rather than trying to overcome them alone. There is so much good in my life.

Friday morning I chose to have a good day. I knelt down that morning and thanked my Heavenly Father for the good in my life and decided before I left the house that I would have a good day. Later that morning I sent the following text to my wife; "Things are good here. Even though it's been a hectic morning I decided I was going to have a good day and so far I have. Thanks for your example and for just being amazing" She replied that she was glad and I responded; "The first step in having a good day is choosing to see the good in your day."

It sounds corny, it sounds too easy. But it's true. The last 3 days have gone so much better. I have still worked long hours, I have still dealt with life and stress and trials, but I have chosen to see the good in my life first. I focus on expressing gratitude in my prayers and to my family. They are amazing and I am so grateful to have them in my life. I asked my wife the other day if I had told her yet today that she is amazing. Because she truly is and I am lucky to have her in my life.

Life is good. Life is good because I choose for it to be good. Because I choose to see the good. Because I choose to trust my Savior and express my gratitude to Him. Life really can be good all the time regardless of my circumstances, I just have to be willing to find the goodness. But when I look for it, it is always there.