Progressive Victory

After many years of being heavily involved in the LDS ARP program and working with their manual and materials, I have recently been attending an SA meeting. It has been nice to broaden my horizons a little. In recovery, I am of the opinion that the more material and knowledge I can get my hands on, the better. That allows me to take bits and pieces from different ideas and concepts and find what works well for me. We are especially lucky in this area in that there is an SA meeting specifically for LDS people. In general AA, NA or SA meetings, we typically refer simply to our "higher power" as we define him. This encompasses people of all religions and creeds and doesn't exclude anyone. It is a great concept but I prefer being able to talk directly about my relationship with the Savior without having to be careful how I refer to him.

Of the many things I have learned since starting to attend SA and starting to utlize the SA White Book as a resource, the one I love the most is the concept of progressive victory. SA defines sobriety as "no sex with self, no sex outside of marriage and progressive victory over lust." I love this concept because it teaches us from the very beginning that this is a process. That I am not simply going to wake up one day and NOT be an addict anymore. There is no finish line, other than in the next life when I am enveloped in my Savior's arms. The goal in SA, much like the LDS concept of enduring to the end, is simply to be better today than yesterday, to be going in the right direction and on the right path. Does progressive victory mean lust-free? At times, sure, but not all the time. I am still an imperfect being. I am still going to have triggers and weak moments and trials. The goal is to honestly look at myself on a regular basis and ask if I am doing better today than yesterday, than last week.

It is so easy in addiction and recovery to get sucked into the concept of an end game. Every addict I know has had those mental conversations at times. What will it be like when I am not an addict? When I have 10 years of clean living? When I don't have to attend these meetings anymore? We expend so much energy on it. One of the downsides to living in an instant access society is that we have all been programmed to expect instant results. We can Google it, Facebook it, Instagram it and the entire world knows immediately. Sometimes it is easy to think in those terms with addiction. But I have struggled with this addiction for over 20 years. I can't undo a mess 20 years in the making, with a few months of hard work. It is a process. It is always interesting to me to rub shoulders with folks that have many years of sobriety. To hear them talk about how they do it. The common thread in their testimonies is that they still do it. They are still involved and engaged even with many years of clean living. I think it is safe to assume that they reason they have many years of sobriety is because they keep at it. They are still progressing.

I am struggling to put into words what I am feeling in my heart but I think this is such a powerful concept. Recovery truly was meant to be lived one day at a time. If at the end of the day I can honestly say that I avoided major pitfalls, connected with friends and brothers in recovery and was a little bit better today than yesterday, then I know I am on the right path.

~~~ Tim

My jumble of thoughts about patience.

I figured it was time to get back on the horse. I enjoyed some extra time off during the holiday window and it was wonderful. I actually had 2 consecutive weeks with 2 full days off, which to many of you might seem like a normal week, but I typically work at least 6 and occasionally 7 days a week. So it was a nice break.

I feel like my thoughts are really jumbled right now. I have really been struggling lately with patience. As I continue to build more sobriety, and I just passed the 11 month mark, there is a selfish part of me that just wants things "fixed". Fixed, in my selfish mind would mean a return somehow the way things were before. Trust, stability, financial security etc. I realize that isn't how things work and I realize that the Lord has other things in store for me. I know that I shouldn't waste energy looking back, but I'm human and some days I get stuck there.

One of the scariest places to be is in "what-if land". What if I hadn't done this, where would my life be today? What if this trial were just magically taken from me? What if the trust and respect of those I wronged could just be instantly restored. Wouldn't life be grand? It is a scary place. One that I don't want to spend too much time. I hope that by being open and honest about it that it will help to get me unstuck.

One thing that gives me hope and perspective is something that was shared with me by a good friend right after my last relapse. He could tell that I was in a bad place and so he opened his LDS ARP manual and flipped to a page and showed me a quote. It is at the very end of the action steps portion of Step 9 and it says simply;

"Give others time to realize that this time is different. This time you are not making empty promises; you are living to receive s complete remission of your addiction and character weaknesses. Eventually abstinence and changed behavior will speak for themselves."

I think this quote can apply to circumstances as well as relationships. It just takes time. One thing I often have to remind myself is that I struggled with my addiction for over 25 years, the affects of it can't be completely undone after a few months of change. Patience and trust in the Lord really is a big part of the process. Trusting not only that he can change me, but trusting his timeline and trusting that there are lessons and growth opportunities along the way.

In closing I just wanted to share one of my all-time favorite quotes from President Utchdorf. It definitely applies to my current circumstances and hopefully it will bring light to some of you as well;

So often we get caught up in the illusion that there is something just beyond our reach that would bring us happiness: a better family situation, a better financial situation, or the end of a challenging trial. The older we get, the more we look back and realize that the external circumstances don't really matter or determine our happiness. We do matter. We determine our happiness. - Dieter F. Uchtdorf (Of Regrets and Resolutions, Oct. 2012)

Thanks for listening!

~~~ Tim