Saturday Update

I committed earlier this week to check back in and start using my blog more frequently again.  When I first created this space it was intended to be an online journal.  I am terrible at writing in a journal, plus after 20+ years of heavy computer and cash register usage, I am well on my way to severe carpal tunnel.  My hand sometimes spasms and gets stuck in a semi-claw when I write too much with pen or pencil.  So this was my solution.

Overall it has been a great week.  Not a perfect week but an good one.  No significant triggers or struggles.  Still haven't been as great at my dailies as I would like but I made serious progress this week.  My goal every morning is to read something from the Scriptures or General Conference and find something uplifting or powerful in what I study to share with my support list.  This sometimes leads to my dailies going on much longer than I intended because I haven't run across the right message to share with others to both inspire them and help me move forward and have a great day. 

The only negative this week was that I got a cold Thursday evening and missed my 12 Step meeting.  The weather turned cold almost overnight here and I stupidly spent 2 hours out in the elements just wearing a light fleece vest while working on my car .  Even though it was a bad experience, it actually became something of a learning metaphor for me. 

When I don't do my dailies and connect with others and get outside myself, I don't build up my armor.  So I end up out in the elements unprepared and freezing cold.  This leads to me getting sick and eventually slipping.  That is exactly what happened to me on Thursday.  I didn't make good decisions and I ended up suffering as a result.  Fortunately a cold can be overcome with a good night's sleep and some basic meds.  Poor decisions that lead me towards addiction are harder to overcome. 

It amazes me how often I see the 12 Steps and recovery in my daily life when I am paying attention.  It truly is a program not just to overcome addiction but just to become a better person and come closer to my Father in Heaven.

I am looking forward to a wonderful Thanksgiving week.  To kick things off I just want to say that I am extremely grateful for my Father in Heaven, my Savior and his Atonement that helps me overcome my weaknesses.  For my family, both extended and immediate and for the many blessings I have received.  I have a good friend in recovery who carries a gratitude list in his pocket at all times because he feels that when he is focused on the many things in his life that he has to be thankful for, he doesn't focus on his addiction.  What a wonderful example. 

I am also grateful for all of you.  Blogging has been a great way to help me feel connected and part of a group instead of stuck in isolation. 

Thanks for listening

~~~ Tim

Getting Out of a Funk

So I have been in a bit of a funk lately.  Nothing really in particular.  I haven't slipped or felt especially triggered.  I just kinda feel 'blah' at times.  Some days are better than others and I have definitely had some amazing things happen to me lately, but I struggle at times to get consistent traction in my recovery efforts.  Some of it is routine.  It is amazing how easy it is to get out of good habits.  I can start something new in my dailies and do awesome at it for 3-4 weeks and with one missed day, suddenly it becomes difficult to start back up again.

Part of that funk has been avoiding the blogs.  I haven't written on mine much and I haven't read much of what anyone else had to say either.  I recognize the benefit from sharing and connecting with others, its just so easy to get out of the habit of doing it.  So just being here writing is part of a conscious effort to get outside my box and reach out and extend myself a little bit.

One other thing that contributed to my funk is running out of conference talks.  I know that sounds crazy but I listen to 2-3 talks a day sometimes so I burned through the recent conference pretty quickly.  I have read or listened to every single talk at least once and have read most of my favorites 2-3 times.  So some days I find myself sitting there spending 15+ minutes just scrolling through the list looking for a talk to read. 

On Saturday I happened across a talk by President Uchtdorf that really kind of opened my eyes a little and help me see the light through the fog.  The solution, as it tends to be with gospel concepts, was much simpler than I expected it to be.

The talk was given in 2009 and is called The Love of God.  There was one particular aspect that really spoke to me.  It really gave me some motivation to start to move forward, or at least increase my speed a little bit;

My dear brothers and sisters, don’t get discouraged if you stumble at times. Don’t feel downcast or despair if you don’t feel worthy to be a disciple of Christ at all times. The first step to walking in righteousness is simply to try. We must try to believe. Try to learn of God: read the scriptures; study the words of His latter-day prophets; choose to listen to the Father, and do the things He asks of us. Try and keep on trying until that which seems difficult becomes possible—and that which seems only possible becomes habit and a real part of you.

As I read this I started to understand.  Everyone has bad days, bad weeks, struggles and trials.  It is part of life.  The fact that I have been in a funk doesn't mean that I have failed or that I am a bad person.  In fact, recognizing that I have been in a funk is actually a sign that I don't want to be here.  For so many years I just embraced the funk and sunk slowly into the darkness.  

I especially love the line that I underlined above.  Sometimes the answer is just to try.  To stop sitting in the crap and try.  It doesn't have to be anything earth-shattering or amazing, it just takes effort.  Little by little.  Step by step, moving forward.  

I am reminded of a quote I read recently;

“It doesn’t matter how slowly you go-so long as you do not stop.”-Confucius

Recovery and life is a long process. Sometimes I am capable of moving very quickly, taking large steps and bounds down the path, other times it is all I can do to lift my feet off the ground, but what really matters is if I am trying. It isn't a race, I just have to keep moving!
I am committing to move forward. I am also committing to check back in before the end of this week with an update on how I am doing. Connection is power my friends!

Thanks for listening

~~~ Tim 

"That They Do Always Remember Him"

Recently as part of my daily personal study I have been studying a lot about the Sacrament.  I have been told my entire life that every Sunday is like a new opportunity to be feel the cleansing power that occurs at Baptism.  To place my mistakes, missteps and weaknesses on the altar of the Atonement and face forward once again.  But I am not sure that I have ever really understood this concept.  Despite hearing messages like this my entire life I still hear people say occasionally; "Wouldn't be it great to be baptized again and have that clean slate, to know that you are starting over?"  And even though I should know that isn't necessary, there has always been a part of me that felt drawn to that concept. 

There are tons of great resources out there about the Sacrament.  A couple of the ones that really spoke to me were talks given at recent sessions of General Conference.  The first is titled; Blessings of the Sacrament by Elder Don R. Clarke and was given in October 2012.    He talks about how he first started to gain a testimony of the power of the Sacrament in his youth when one of his Young Men's leaders challenged him each Sunday to write down two things that he was thinking about during the administration of the Sacrament.  This opportunity for accountability led to him focusing more and more on the Savior and having a greater appreciation of the Sacrament.  This is a concept that we have implemented in our family.  Every Sunday after Church when we sit down to Sunday dinner, we go around the table and discuss the things we thought about.  We only recently started it but I think it has been good for all of us to really focus during that important period of Church.

The second talk that really spoke to me on this subject was given by Elder Dallin H. Oaks in October of 2008.  The title of his message is; Sacrament Meeting and the Sacrament.  He said something in his talk that really jumped off the page at me.  Words that I have heard thousands of times in my life but never seemed to understand;

When we partake of the sacrament, we make a sacred covenant that we will always remember the Savior. How sad to see persons obviously violating that covenant in the very meeting where they are making it.

Every single Sunday that we partake of the Sacrament, we covenant that we will always remember him.  It is right there in the prayer over the water that most of us have probably heard countless times;  that they do always remember him, that they may have his Spirit to be with them.  Yet as Elder Oaks pointedly explains, sometimes we don't even make it out of the meeting before it slips our mind.  That is not to say that perfection should be expected.  We aren't perfect, but I know for myself that I can do better.  

I think back to the many times in my life when I indulged in my addiction, succumbed to pride, let my character weaknesses run wild and selfishly put my own needs before those around me.  Would I have acted the same if I thought to remember the Savior?  If turning my attention to him had filled me with the Spirit as has been promised?

Now I know that I can't live life facing backwards.  The mistakes in my past are there to learn from, grow beyond and put behind me.  But I know that I can do better going forward.  I can focus more during the administration of the Sacrament, let my thoughts be filled with gratitude for my Savior instead of sports, friends or even Church calling responsibilities in the later meetings of the day.  Sometimes the things that get in the way are good things, but we only get one chance each week to truly access the Atonement and renew those covenants. 

Facing the Savior is the answer to any problem we can encounter in our lives.  No matter how great or trivial.  I am reminded of one of my all time favorite scriptures from the New Testament.  It is found in John chapter 14, verse 18; 

I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.

He will always come when I call.  When I face him, when I remember him.  If he is the focus of my life, I can never go astray.  

~~~ Tim

10,000

When I created this blog back in February, I really didn't know what to expect. In fact my original plan was to make it private and just use it as an online journal of sorts and then down the road when I was "better", I would unveil my story to the world. This was something I struggled with a lot early on. I couldn't be open or honest with anyone about anything until I had moved forward and could come from a position of strength.

Ultimately I started to see the value of the community and interacting with other bloggers and community members. I found that I gained strength and hope through honesty and openly sharing with others. What had started out exceedingly private ended up becoming extremely public as I would eventually make my story and my entire journey public.

So here we are almost 9 months later and things are wonderful. Far from perfect but still wonderful. And to my surprise, a couple days ago I reached 10,000 page views. This is pretty humbling to me that people would see enough value in what I had to share that my blog would generate that much traffic.

It is just a number, but it inspires me to keep going, to keep sharing and to keep being honest. There is power and strength in honesty. We truly are only as sick as our secrets.

Thanks for sharing my journey!

~~~ Tim