Lessons Learned in Las Vegas

So I just returned home from a business trip to Vegas.  A fairly scary place to spend time for someone who struggles with things of a sexual nature as I do.  I was nervous going in but also somewhat serene because I made the same trip last year and knew that while still in Las Vegas, my company plans the trip at a stand alone resort far from the Strip and the seedier side of the area.  

It is still Las Vegas though so I knew going in that diligence would be required.  The trip also coincided with my 4 month sobriety date and I am also very aware that recovery milestones can be triggers and pitfalls.  So prior to leaving I made arrangements to check in periodically with my support system and my family.  

The trip ended up being super busy and I was almost never alone.  Avoiding isolation is a huge way for me to stay safe and being with other healthy friends as much as possible was a big part of my safety plan for the trip.  

Ultimately things ended up going well.  I was triggered at times but by staying connected to others and remembering the Lord I was able to stay safe.  On my last day though I made some pretty significant breakthroughs.  I used to really enjoy casinos.  I loved to sit down and gamble and watch games at the Sportsbook and wander around the Strip.  I soaked it in.  On this trip though I noticed more and more how sad the casino floor is.  Elderly people pushing electric wheelchairs and oxygen machines around the casino floor.  Completely oblivious to the world around them.  At one point I sent a text to my wife saying "please never let me become one of these sad, lonely seniors that spends 12-14 hours a day in a smoke filled casino."   It was a joke but sadly I experienced many such individuals.  

The other thing I noticed was that my cell phone reception was awful in the casino but the moment I walked out to the front sidewalk it was crystal clear coverage for both calls and data.  I have no idea if this is due to all the equipment on the casino floor or it it is intentional on the part of the casinos.  Either way the results are the same.  The pull of the slot machines is much harder to resist when calls, texts and emails from family and friends don't reach you.  It is compete and utter isolation almost the moment you enter.  

I thought about how hard it is to overcome triggers and temptations when I am isolated and a light bulb went on.  Addiction is addiction.   Many of the folks inside are completely entranced by the gambling.  Their lives have become unmanageable.  The moment they made the choice to enter the casino and cross that threshold they were entering a danger zone and were almost totally isolated.  It was much the same as when I knowingly put myself in harms way.  I knew what I was doing, I knew the likely consequences but I entered through the door anyway.  And much like the bright lights of a Vegas casino can suck in a gambler, I found myself lost.  

Addiction can lose any of us when we isolate and consciously put ourselves in places where isolation and triggers are bound to occur.  It is easy to get lost.  I have gone down that rabbit hole many times.  But much like those people in the casino started out by willingly entering the casino floor, with every one of my slips and relapses I willingly took a path that I knew would end in isolation and harm's way.  I had a choice.  I had agency. I had to choose between isolation and connection.  Sometimes I chose poorly.  Fortunately I was also blessed with a Savior who not only helps me overcome those poor choices but also helps me learn and grow from those mistakes.  It leads to progress.  It leads to hope.  

Even in Las Vegas there is hope, I just have to be willing to look for it.  To look for Him.  He is always there.  

Do I Allow the Atonement to Sustain and Heal Me?

So today was our ward conference at Church.  There were many wonderful and powerful messages given and it was a strong meeting.  The primary speaker was our Bishop and he gave an amazing message about the Atonement.  Over the course of his talk, he posed a couple questions that really made me think.

Early on in his message he quoted the well-known scripture from 2 Nephi Chapter 2, verse 25;

Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy.

He then posed a very powerful question.  He talked about Eve, the mother of us all.  He then asked simply.  Eve was evicted from the Garden of Eden.  She was sent into the dreary world to earn her keep by the seat of her brow.  Then as she started her family, her son Cain murdered her other son Abel.  Through this entire process, how could Eve have possibly been happy?  He paused for a minute and he then simply explained.  Because she allowed the Atonement of Jesus Christ to comfort her and sanctify her in her trials and struggles.

That really struck me.  She allowed the Atonement to help her?  It really made me think.  I have often heard that faith is an action.  That it motivates me to do things, to feel things, to experience things.  It is more than just believing.  But I'm not sure I had ever thought of the Atonement as an action.  Am I actively choosing to accept the Atonement?  Am I choosing to take my struggles, temptations and fears to the Lord and access his Atonement?  Or am I choosing to sit in them?  Am I choosing to isolate myself from the Lord?  For years addiction taught me to choose isolation.  It taught me to hide and lie and embrace fear.  It taught me that protecting my secret was the most important thing in my life.

As I made that connection I realized that it would have been impossible for me to allow the Atonement to heal me when my entire focus was on hiding and covering up the evidence.  As I thought about it and processed more I finally came to the conclusion that allowing the Atonement to help me in my addiction means to accept my powerlessness and surrender my struggles to the Lord.  In doing this I allow the Atonement of the Lord into my life.  It really can be that simple.  It almost seems like a paradox at times.  That the way to have greater strength in this struggle is to show more humility.  That the way to finally have the means to overcome temptations in the moment is the admit that I can never overcome them.  But it works.

The scriptures teach often that it is by simple means that miracles can happen.  The Children of Israel simply had to look upon the brass serpent created by Moses at the urging of the Lord and they would be healed.  Some thought it too simple a solution and weren't healed.  They perished because they thought the solution needed to be more complex.  But that isn't the Lord's way.  In Alma 37, verse 6, we learn that;

Now ye may suppose that this is foolishness in me; but behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise.

I am really good at making simple things complicated.  It is something I have often struggled things.  I have been told more than once in my life that I learn things the hard way.  But the reality is the solutions to life's complicated problems are often very simple.  As simple as accepting that my problems are too big for me but that there is one who is more than willing and able to take them.  I just have to allow Him in.  He will always be there.  I just have to take that action first. 

Switch Hitting: My Struggles with Food

So I need to get some things out into the open.  For the last 3-4 months I have been doing awesome in regards to my battle with lust.  Things have been open and true and honest.  I have attended meetings and many other uplifting activities to help me in my efforts and there have been many brave and valiant brothers who have supported me on my journey.  Part of the reason that I have done so well is because I haven't tried to do it on my own.  I have reached out for support daily.  To the Lord, to my Heavenly Father and to many others in recovery.  It is a tried and true method.

But sadly, lust is not my only struggle in life.  I am also very much a food addict.  I have battled weight gain and unhealthy eating habits my entire life.  When I was younger, I was active enough in tennis and baseball that any pounds I put on in the winter were quickly removed in the summer months.  As life sped up and kids, family and 2 jobs entered the picture, bad habits because my norm and my weight ballooned.  I turned to food to numb my pain and my world much as I did with lust.  At times I even used it as a substitute for lust.  Upon looking back I have realized that as times when I would gain some sobriety from lust I would often find myself binge eating.  Breakfast would be an entire box of raspberry jelly donuts and my breaks at work would often consist of multiple candy bars and a large soda.  It became my substitute drug of choice on a regular basis.

So a few months back upon recognizing my struggles with food and lust often went hand in hand and also getting a bit of a wake-up call when my Dad had some serious health struggles that were exacerbated but his struggles with weight, I decided it was time to not just really try to get clean from lust but to also live a healthier life in general.

Overall things have gone well.  Since Thanksgiving Day I have lost over 40 pounds.  I have completely eliminated soda pop from my diet and I have started tracking everything I eat.  I have also tried to become more active.  I started walking.  I played tennis for the first time in 15 years.  I bought a bike and starting riding.  It has been wonderful and it feels good. 

But the last week or so the temptation to binge eat has re-appeared with a vengeance.  I find myself lingering at the bakery at work trying to think of an excuse to take home a cake, or convincing myself it is the right thing to do to try out our new themed donuts so I can tell customers how wonderful they have.  As of yet I have maintain my healthier habits.  My foot has been hurting and the weather poor so I haven't walked as much but I have gone on bike rides 2 of the last 3 days.  I am still tracking my calories.  But I realized that I need to start being more open about my struggles with food.  I don't hesitate to call in re-enforcements when I am struggling with lust so why is it so hard to openly admit that I am tempted to binge on food.  It shouldn't be.  I don't want it to be anymore. 

The other day I reached inside myself and found the humility and strength to open up to a few in my support system about my struggles.  I gave up the secret.  I shed light on the darkness.  And you know what?  Just as reaching out for support gives strength and hope in regards to my struggles with lust, asking for support and sharing with others was just as powerful when applied to my struggles with food.  The responses were nothing but love and care and concern.  No one mocked me and laughed or said being overweight won't keep you from the temple.  They understood.  They responded with love.  It was a powerful lesson and more importantly it got me outside myself.

Life just works better when I am open and vulnerable.  Not just about lust.  Not just about my struggles.  But about everything.  That is where true connection occurs.  When I can just pull back the curtains and say; "This is me.  This is who I REALLY am", and trust the rest for God.  He will always get me the support I need in those moments.

I am committing to be more open and vulnerable.  Not just about my lust addiction but with all my struggles.  I am committing to talk to people.  To share my ups, downs and in-betweens.  I am committing to be real.  I know it will work.  I know that the more open, honest and real I am, the better my relationships with be.  The better I will be. 

God is good.  He wants me to be happy.  He is showing me the way.