Wednesday, March 6, 2013

"For There Is Nothing Hid Which Shall Not Be Manifested".


So its time to take a leap a faith. Maybe the ultimate leap of faith. I'm terrified, ashamed and yet strangely serene because I know this is supposed to happen.  I have a confession to make.  First off I want to clarify that this is all being done with the complete and total blessing of those involved.  I am not compromising anyone against their will.

Some of you might have guessed from the nature of our posts and her interactions on the Hope and Healing forum for wives of addicts that 'Apple' from the Memoirs of An Apple Blog is my wife.  What might surprise you is that 'Apple' is also Sidreis from By The Light of Grace.  Which of course means that Sidreis is my wife.  We are quite the couple.  A (mostly) happy pair who both struggle with addiction, co-dependency, depression and other life hurdles.

She created the 'Apple' pseudonym to protect my anonymity while allowing her to be honest about her struggles as a co-dependent.  This has forced her to live something of a dual life on these forums and blogs.  This duality has caused both of us to be less than truthful at times.  That is not to say that we have ever posted lies in our various blog posts but it made things more complicated than they needed to be and as someone who struggles mightily with the character weakness of dishonesty, I just don't want it anymore.  The other day I mentioned in a blog post about our being in a Stake Conference meeting was something of a miracle but I couldn't say more.  The real reason we were there is because our former Bishop and Stake President was sharing Sidreis' story as the cornerstone of his talk about the Atonement.  Using her as the perfect example that there are no leftovers to our Savior.  It was an amazing and inspiring moment.  I was proud to be there.  Proud of her, inspired by her. But I couldn't share those feelings because I was scared.  I was ashamed.  PEOPLE WILL KNOW!?!  I can't be honest, can I?

Awhile back someone asked if I could share some thoughts on her blog as the "spouse of an addict".  I did it and it was fairly well received.  But I felt dirty.  I hadn't been honest.  Yes, I am the spouse of an addict and I have struggled at times with co-dependency, but I am also an addict myself so my words felt hollow.  People didn't have the entire story behind my thoughts and experiences.  I don't want to be deceptive anymore.  When you have struggled with dishonesty on the level that I have, the only path is to avoid it entirely.

So here I am.  No more hiding.  I am scared.  Terrified that people will judge me, terrified that the bloggers won't like me.  When I was anonymous I was just another child of God struggling.  But now I am the person who hurt your friend.  Who has caused her to suffer and not be her happy self of late.  I have gained so much strength from all of you, cherished your kind words and your examples and I am afraid that some of you won't like me as much anymore.  But I am tired of being afraid.  I am tired of being ashamed.  Fear and shame are tools of Satan, they do not come from my Heavenly Father.  He rejoices in honesty and light, not in darkness and shame.

I had a powerful experience the other day that pushed me towards this post and this level of honesty.  I was reading in Mark in the New Testament.  I had been pondering whether or not I should continue to be bold and stop being afraid.  I was nervous but at least willing to consider the possibility.  So while reading I encountered verses 21 and 22 in Mark Chapter 4;


 21 ¶And he said unto them, Is a candle brought to be put under a bushel, or under a bed? and not to be set on a candlestick?
 22 For there is nothing hid, which shall not be manifested; neither was any thing kept secret, but that it should come abroad.

As I read it, I knew what it meant.  I knew that I needed to stop hiding, to stop being deceitful, to stop forcing my wife to hide to protect me and as I arrived at the conclusion I was suddenly terrified.  I actually took my phone out and started to text Sidreis that I was scared.  But something told me to keep reading.  So further down in the same chapter the Savior says this;
40;And he said unto them, Why are ye so fearful? how is it that ye have no faith?

So here I am.  With a simple internet search you could easily find out all the details of my life.  I don't want to hide anymore.  I hope that people will love me and support me, I hope that they will understand.  But ultimately I am doing this for me.  I don't want to be sick anymore.  I want to get better. I have reached the point where I am willing to make massive changes to overcome this mess.  So I am placing my trust in the Lord.  I will no longer let shame and fear guide me.

My name is Tim and I am an addict, but I am also a son of God and that is the label that defines me.  I was lost in the wilderness but I am not lost anymore.  I have a long road ahead of me but I am on the right path. 

~~~ Tim   

24 comments:

  1. I love you babe. So proud of you:-)). We're gonna make it. You and me. Us. Together forever.

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  2. I love you,
    Bishop Carrier

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  3. dang, the plot certainly thickens. Please don't take this the wrong way, but I thought of those Mission Impossible movies where someone pulls off a mask and is someone else.

    You two are saints in my book. I have been following all 3 blogs with no idea. (i'm kinda dense).

    Tim (much easier to type then I was lost), you are a bold man. Keep it up. Being an addict is our disease. It is NOT our identity. You two are going to be able to help soooo many couples. You both know the unmanageability and insanity of addiction. And now, you can both come to know recovery.

    Wow, reading this gave me the impetus I need to stay on task at work and have a stronger resolve to fight. Thank you.

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  4. I love this part..."I will no longer let shame and fear guide me." Good for you! You and Sidreis are going to be a strength to SO many couples! Thank you and I look forward to folling both of your journeys through recovery.

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  5. Loved this! So proud of you, Tim! Give that awesome wife of yours a hug for me! You guys are in my prayers, and I'm so grateful to both of you for sharing your stories, testimonies and growth with the rest of us!

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  6. Tim. I haven't met you, but I have met Sid. And I love you and your wife. Way to go for striving for more honesty! You are so brave!
    If there is one thing I know, it's that we are all worthy of forgiveness. Keep up the fight!

    Love,
    Stacey

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  7. Way to go, Tim!!! I had to laugh a little. Just the other day I was explaining to my wife how I'm a co-dependent as much as I am an addict, and how she shows addictive traits. We laughed about it. We've gone full circle! Anyway, I think it's awesome that you've gotten to this place where you can start to enjoy real healing. I love you both! Thanks!

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  8. I... am so incredibly humbled by this. This is one of THE bravest things I've actually been able to witness in real life. I don't think I could have done this, and I can only imagine the fear you have and might be experiencing, which means the amount of courage and strength to come forward is just... I don't even have words for that. I'm very inspired and touched by you Tim, and I look forward to the growth and joy you will be able to find. So... um... you two together are gonna be a power house. I'm looking ten years in the future and.... I mean.... wow. You'll probably have your own TV show or something. ;) Thanks for your faith and trust in the Lord. Thanks for your honesty and transparency. Thanks for sharing this with us, we are SO blessed to know you!!! And thanks for being a great husband to our friend, and for becoming our friend too. :)

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  9. Your courage, gives me courage and strength. Please continue to share and be honest. I support you and Apple. May God bless you.

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  10. What an incredible story. Thank you for trusting enough to share your journey with others. Many others will be blessed for your open honesty and humility. Thank you!

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  11. I honestly cannot imagine anyone feeling awe and inspiration from this. You are both inspiring to me in so many ways. I'd be lying if I told you I didn't know that already ;)
    These last 2 days have been killer hard for me and I can hardly type I am sobbing so hard at this post. It has brought back to my mind how important honesty is. I feel ashamed but hopeful about some of the lies I have told the last couple of days and I know tonight I can start a new hope. Thank you both for sharing, being brave being amazing and continuing to fight.

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  12. oops my first sentence should say anyone NOT feeling awe and inspiration. That made it sound rude. sorry.

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  13. Tim,

    I read this while riding the shuttle bus at the airport today. I was literary fighting back the tears. This is what recovery is all about. Truly understanding that you are not alone and being brave enough to show the world who you really are. Thank you so much for being willing to share. I look up to you.

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  14. Dear friends,

    Thank you so much for your love and support. I am overwhelmed by your words. After I published this post I was overcome with fear. I tried to take a nap but sleep never came. I started to question my decision and let the doubt take hold in my heart. But with each comment that came in I felt your strength and love.

    It has been an emotionally draining day but I look forward to brighter tomorrows. God is good.

    ~~ Tim

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  15. I have not met either you or your wife, but I know that both of you are incredible lights to so many. You have already set such an example of turning to the Savior and how beautiful repentance can be. I don't think anyone could read your post and not cry. And that is what we are supposed to do, to feel the love and compassion for each other as Christ set the example while here on the earth.

    When we place our faith in the Savior, we become lights to others to help bring them back also. And so many will know that they are not alone in their struggles.

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  16. God bless you both for your courage. No question God is at work in your lives, and it's a blessing to see some of how it's unfolding.

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  17. Wow! I loved reading your inspiration in the scriptures. I love those moments and it is so much more wonderful to genuinely share them with each other. So happy for you both. Love Me

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  18. Wow! I loved reading your inspiration in the scriptures. I love those moments and it is so much more wonderful to genuinely share them with each other. So happy for you both. Love Me

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  19. I'm so glad that your a coming out of the darkness and into the light. Love to you both!

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  20. You are both an inspiration:) Thsnk your for being vulnerable and sharing.

    Great scriptures as well!

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  21. Once again, I am inspired by one of my fellows in recovery. Thank you so much for sharing!

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  22. Tim. When I first met you I thought Wow he looks like a big Nephite warrior....Well you sure are!!! Now go kick Lucifers you know what!!! Oh and enjoy it too. ....."and God said, Let there be light" (and disclosure) "and there was". How he loves lies and deceipt is equal to how much he hates light. We have some of the most awesome of heavenly fathers children in our family. dad and me

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  23. I am so increadably bleesed to have you and Sid in my life! you are an insparation to all us addicts! I love you! You add so much awesomeness to this family and you are a great husband, father and brother-in-law! love u bunches!
    Meagan

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  24. Your courage inspires us to be better. Thank you for your testimony and for sharing!

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