"For There Is Nothing Hid Which Shall Not Be Manifested".

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So its time to take a leap a faith. Maybe the ultimate leap of faith. I'm terrified, ashamed and yet strangely serene because I know this is supposed to happen.  I have a confession to make.  First off I want to clarify that this is all being done with the complete and total blessing of those involved.  I am not compromising anyone against their will.

Some of you might have guessed from the nature of our posts and her interactions on the Hope and Healing forum for wives of addicts that 'Apple' from the Memoirs of An Apple Blog is my wife.  What might surprise you is that 'Apple' is also Sidreis from By The Light of Grace.  Which of course means that Sidreis is my wife.  We are quite the couple.  A (mostly) happy pair who both struggle with addiction, co-dependency, depression and other life hurdles.

She created the 'Apple' pseudonym to protect my anonymity while allowing her to be honest about her struggles as a co-dependent.  This has forced her to live something of a dual life on these forums and blogs.  This duality has caused both of us to be less than truthful at times.  That is not to say that we have ever posted lies in our various blog posts but it made things more complicated than they needed to be and as someone who struggles mightily with the character weakness of dishonesty, I just don't want it anymore.  The other day I mentioned in a blog post about our being in a Stake Conference meeting was something of a miracle but I couldn't say more.  The real reason we were there is because our former Bishop and Stake President was sharing Sidreis' story as the cornerstone of his talk about the Atonement.  Using her as the perfect example that there are no leftovers to our Savior.  It was an amazing and inspiring moment.  I was proud to be there.  Proud of her, inspired by her. But I couldn't share those feelings because I was scared.  I was ashamed.  PEOPLE WILL KNOW!?!  I can't be honest, can I?

Awhile back someone asked if I could share some thoughts on her blog as the "spouse of an addict".  I did it and it was fairly well received.  But I felt dirty.  I hadn't been honest.  Yes, I am the spouse of an addict and I have struggled at times with co-dependency, but I am also an addict myself so my words felt hollow.  People didn't have the entire story behind my thoughts and experiences.  I don't want to be deceptive anymore.  When you have struggled with dishonesty on the level that I have, the only path is to avoid it entirely.

So here I am.  No more hiding.  I am scared.  Terrified that people will judge me, terrified that the bloggers won't like me.  When I was anonymous I was just another child of God struggling.  But now I am the person who hurt your friend.  Who has caused her to suffer and not be her happy self of late.  I have gained so much strength from all of you, cherished your kind words and your examples and I am afraid that some of you won't like me as much anymore.  But I am tired of being afraid.  I am tired of being ashamed.  Fear and shame are tools of Satan, they do not come from my Heavenly Father.  He rejoices in honesty and light, not in darkness and shame.

I had a powerful experience the other day that pushed me towards this post and this level of honesty.  I was reading in Mark in the New Testament.  I had been pondering whether or not I should continue to be bold and stop being afraid.  I was nervous but at least willing to consider the possibility.  So while reading I encountered verses 21 and 22 in Mark Chapter 4;

 21 ¶And he said unto them, Is a candle brought to be put under a bushel, or under a bed? and not to be set on a candlestick?

 22 For there is nothing hid, which shall not be manifested; neither was any thing kept secret, but that it should come abroad.

As I read it, I knew what it meant.  I knew that I needed to stop hiding, to stop being deceitful, to stop forcing my wife to hide to protect me and as I arrived at the conclusion I was suddenly terrified.  I actually took my phone out and started to text Sidreis that I was scared.  But something told me to keep reading.  So further down in the same chapter the Savior says this;

40;And he said unto them, Why are ye so fearful? how is it that ye have no faith?

So here I am.  With a simple internet search you could easily find out all the details of my life.  I don't want to hide anymore.  I hope that people will love me and support me, I hope that they will understand.  But ultimately I am doing this for me.  I don't want to be sick anymore.  I want to get better. I have reached the point where I am willing to make massive changes to overcome this mess.  So I am placing my trust in the Lord.  I will no longer let shame and fear guide me.

My name is Tim and I am an addict, but I am also a son of God and that is the label that defines me.  I was lost in the wilderness but I am not lost anymore.  I have a long road ahead of me but I am on the right path. 

~~~ Tim