Well we found out today that much or possibly all of our refund will be held to cover an outstanding debt and the relief that had been on the horizon for the past month had suddenly been ripped out from under us. Not only did this mean no financial flexibility but it also means that a trip planned over spring break for my wife and kids will probably not happen now. It was a crushing blow and one that left me pleading with the Lord this morning to make it go away. I found myself firmly stuck in "why me" mode. "I've tried so hard these past few weeks, can't you just take this burden from me". I got to the point this afternoon where I could barely function. My body was so tense I had to take a double dose of ibuprofen and a hot bath just to relax. Well, while I was in the bath I decided to listen to Elder Bednar's talk, "That We Might Not.... Shrink", from the recent CES Fireside. If you haven't watched it or listened to it then I would strongly recommend that you do. He is far more eloquent and guided by the Spirit than I could ever be, but the lessons to be learned are powerful.
In the talk he describes the experience he had with a young couple where the young husband was diagnosed with serious bone cancer just 3 weeks after being sealed to his wife. Over the course of his treatment and care, he had the opportunity to ask Elder Bednar for a Priesthood blessing. Before giving the blessing Elder Bednar felt prompted to ask the couple a few questions about their situation. One of the questions was, and I'm paraphrasing, "I know you have the faith to be healed, but do you have the faith to NOT be healed if that is the Lord's will?" He described how taken aback the young couple was by his question but how after some discussion the young man replied that while he didn't fully understand he trusted the Lord and that if it was his time to move on he could accept that.
He went on to explain that the man was healed at least for a time but that the cancer would return again later but through it all they learned to trust the Lord and learned the power of faith. He then shared a quote from Elder Maxwell given during the 1997 October General Conference called; "Apply The Atoning Blood of Christ". The section quoted by Elder Bednar was;
“As we confront our own trials and tribulations, we too can plead with
the Father, just as Jesus did, that we might not shrink — meaning to
retreat or to recoil. Not shrinking is much more important than
surviving. Moreover, partaking of a bitter cup without becoming bitter
is likewise part of the emulation of Jesus.”
That really struck me as I listened. There is a huge difference between surviving a trial and actually accepting and learning from it. It can make such a difference between letting trials beat us down, building our stress and in the case of an addict, leading us to act out and turn to the addiction as a way to numb and make it go away. I realized that most of my life this had been the way that I endured trials. By numbing through the addiction and making it go away, for a little while at least.
In closing he finished with a gentle but powerful reminder that overseeing it all is the One who truly understands the stress, the pain and the fear that trials bring. The One man that can bring comfort and peace during difficult times, My Savior, Jesus Christ. Elder Bednar testified;
"I know that the Lord who was bruised, broken and torn for us can succor
and strengthen his people according to their infirmities... And I know one of the greatest blessings of mortality is to not
shrink and to allow our individual will to be swallowed up in the will
of the Father.”
I don't know why this financial trial occurred at this point in time when my family is already going through so much, I don't understand it and I am afraid of it. I am afraid that it could derail the progress and healing that has occurred, I know that in the past when faced with such hurdles that it often led me down roads of secrecy and shame. But through it all I know that it is for my good. I know that my Heavenly Father could take it from me if he felt that was the best solution. I know he has that power. I have faith that this mountain CAN be moved from off my shoulders. But I also trust that if he thinks the best path is for me to endure and learn from this experience that things will work out for the best.
I CAN choose to trust Him and move forward in faith.
I CAN choose to turn to my Savior instead of my addiction.
I CAN continue to face Heaven and keep working my recovery program.
I CAN heave peace and hope even during difficult times.
I know my Heavenly Father and my Savior will not lead me astray.
~~~ Tim
Thanks Tim. It is so hard when we receive these trials and even harder when they are our own doings. I have had this same experience as of late. Great post.
ReplyDeleteGreat post Tim:) I am going to listen to that talk. I have suffered many trials of loss and health these past 5 years and I've learned a lot about trusting in the Lord's will.
ReplyDeleteI got an email the other day with three amazing quotes about trials from a family member. As I was reading your post, I felt I should share them with you...
• Elder Neal A. Maxwell: “Nephi’s broken bow doubtless brought to him some irritation, but not immobilizing bitterness. After all, he was just trying to feed the extended family, so why should he have to contend as well with a broken bow? Yet out of that episode came a great teaching moment. Irritation often precedes instruction” (If Thou Endure It Well [1996], 128).
• Elder Richard G. Scott:
“May I share some suggestions with you who face . . . the testing that a wise Heavenly Father determines is needed even when you are living a worthy, righteous life and are obedient to His commandments. “Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously.
When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more (see Proverbs 3:11–12). He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit. To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching, and that generally entails discomfort and pain”
(Oct. 1995).
• Elder Robert D. Hales: “I have come to understand how useless it is to dwell on the whys, what ifs, and if onlys for which there likely will be given no answers in mortality. To receive the Lord’s comfort, we must exercise faith. The questions Why me? Why our family? Why now? are usually unanswerable questions. These questions detract from our spirituality and can destroy our faith. We need to spend our time and energy building our faith by turning to the Lord and asking for strength to overcome the pains and trials of this world and to endure to the end for greater understanding” (Oct. 1998).
The Lord is polishing you and your sweet wife. It feels like a scouring pad at times, but he's making you both into something beautiful, so hold on to him and never let go:)
Sending prayers your way!
I remember having some trials not long after starting this journey in earnest. I chalked it up to the Lord wanting to see how serious I was about changing. Having said that, I think it's good to keep working on possible solutions to dilemnas like this, as long as we keep exercising faith in His wisdom to know what is best for us. Best wishes!
ReplyDelete