"You Have Great Value To Me"

It has been an utterly amazing, past 24 hours.  Last night I had the opportunity to attend a Stake Conference meeting in another stake at the invitation of a dear family friend.  It was a miracle that we were invited to be in that meeting but that is a story for another day. 

Over the course of the meeting, the Stake President gave a talk called "There Are No Leftovers in the Gospel of Jesus Christ".  It was powerful and centered on the Atonement to help us all better understand how our Heavenly Father and Savior view us, how they view ME.  I have spent much of my life thinking that I WAS a leftover.  I was that rotten Tupperware container at the back of the fridge.  Forgotten and left to accumulate bacteria and mold.  But his powerful testimony helped open my eyes.  Helped me to better understand how the Savior sees me.

Then today at Church I took a massive leap of faith.  I had received a prompting awhile back that I needed to be more open, first with my family and then with friends and ward members, specifically during March fast and testimony meeting .  I was scared.  Why would the Lord ask me to do something this scary when I am so weak, so close to my last relapse?  But I trusted that he wouldn't lead me astray.  So yesterday when I started my fast, I asked for strength, for hope and to know what exactly I should say.  I resisted my urges to plan ahead and prepare a talk of some sort.  I went to the meeting last night and felt the Spirit immensely and decided I was just going to trust.

So right when the testimony portion of the meeting started, everything fell apart.  My oldest son suddenly had a painful headache and stomach ache, my middle son started sobbing uncontrollably because he was hungry but wanted to try to fast but wasn't sure what to do.  Then to cap things off my youngest threw his snack all over the pew and floor not once but twice.  At this point my wife snapped at me for not helping more and I could feel my resolve fading.  So I just jumped up and headed up to the stand.  There were 2 people already waiting but I had to take that first step and show the Lord and the adversary that this WAS happening.

When I got up to the pulpit I started off by talking a little about the meeting I had attended the night before.  Then I explained that I have felt like a leftover for much of my life and that I felt like I had no value.  I then took a deep breath and told them that I was an addict, that I have struggled with addictive behavior for much of my life.  No sordid details, just simple honesty.  I then bore my testimony of recovery.  It is small right now but I could feel it surging in my chest and heart as I had the faith to share it with others.  It was a humbling and amazing experience.

I returned to my seat, my heart very full and emotional.  Then, as I am sitting there trying to compose myself, my sweet, middle son slides over next to me on the bench.  He then looked at me with his innocent eyes and said simply, "Dad, you have great value to me".  I just absolutely melted where I sat.  Such sweet and powerful words from my son.  He helped me to start to believe.  I do have value.  To my family, to my friends, and most importantly to my Heavenly Father and my Savior.

After the meeting there were many who went out of their way to shake my hand, pat me on the back and thank me for my testimony.  I felt the love of my ward and my neighbors.  There is so much power in honesty. 

In AA there is a common saying that "We Are Only As Sick As Our Secrets".  I'm a little bit less sick today because I gave up a secret.  And you know what?  It wasn't near as big or scary as I had convinced myself it would be.  I trusted my Heavenly Father and he did not lead me astray.

~~~ I Was Lost