Journal: Stressbomb!

It has been a hectic 10 days. This is one of the most stressful weeks of the year for me at work. I manage the backroom and inventory for a large retail store and yesterday was our annual inventory audit. This audit is a huge part of what my company pays me for. Overall I felt like we were fairly well prepared but being that it is an annual event and the bonuses and job security of my boss can depend on the results, it is still pretty stressful. I ended up working long days leading up, including working on my day off. Sleep was harder and harder to come by

Stress is typically not a huge trigger for me, I actually tend to struggle more when I am bored and listless than when I am super busy. Because of this, I sometimes fail to recognize when I am in its grasp. It happens slowly, its not like I woke up one morning and was under unbearable stress. It comes on little by little, poking and prodding at defenses and routines until it nestles its way in. Dailies become lackluster, prayers become quick and repetitive and reaching out to support becomes less and less frequent. The scriptures teach us well that it is by small and simple things that great things come to pass, but it is important to remember that it is also through small and simple means that great things are undone.

One thing that kept me sane was my support system. I had my regularly scheduled meeting with my Bishop on Tuesday and it was actually in his office that I came to the realization, that yes, I am really dealing with some stress right now. It made me grateful for routines because if I had not had a regularly scheduled appointment, I am confident that I would not have gone in.

The other thing that keeps me sane is the texts and support from my friends in recovery. I am typically pretty good about reaching out, so when I slack off, they recognize it. I got some wonderful messages of support this week to help keep me from falling completely off course.

There is so much to be grateful for. After this weekend, life slows down again somewhat and I am actually on paid vacation at both my jobs next week. I really don't have much planned. Sidreis is going to Idaho so I get to relax at home with the kids and just breathe. I am also really excited for General Conference in about 10 days. It will be the perfect way to replenish the oil in my lamp and keep me going.

Most of all I am grateful that I am not alone. I am reminded of a quote I ran across from President Monson given at General Conference back in 1987;

"It is imperative that we recognize that whatever has happened to us has happened to others. They have coped and so must we. We are not alone. Heavenly Father's help is near."

There is always help at hand.

Red Flags: Selfishness

I have been thinking a lot lately about what to share and not a lot has been coming to me.  Then over this past weekend I had an experience that I not only wanted to share here, but gave me a great idea for a regular feature.  I am going to call this concept, 'Red Flags'.  More time in recovery doesn't mean perfection, or being cured, or having it made, but it has helped me to be a little better at recognizing the storms that are headed my way.  These storms or red flags are the signs that I am headed towards danger if I don't correct my course and make changes. 

One of my biggest red flags is selfishness.  The addict in me believes that everything revolves around me.  It looks at life situations and events not in terms of what they meant or were really about, but rather how they affect ME.  My needs, my satisfaction and my comfort were the main priorities in my life.  Donating time, energy or resources to anyone else was done begrudgingly or not at all.  If it is going to inconvenience me, frustrate me, cause me to do more than I feel I should have to do, then I'm not interested. Recognizing this behavior and becoming more willing to serve and get outside myself has been a huge part of my recovery success. When I succeed in putting others first, being charitable and patient, I am rarely stuck in addictive behaviors. The trick is recognizing these moments before they spiral out of control.

This past week I found myself mired in selfishness. My wife has a trip planned for the first week of October. She wanted to set some money aside so that she can have a good time on her adventure. In order to accomplish this, she volunteered to pick up some extra shifts at work 4 nights last week. It meant that she would be gone most of the evening, 4 consecutive nights, leaving me home with the kids to deal with homework, dinner, housework and day to day responsibilities. When she first mentioned it I was supportive and appreciative that she was willing to work so many extra hours so that her trip wouldn't affect the family budget. My goodwill didn't last long.

The first couple days went fairly smoothly, I would come home from work and pick up the house before my older boys got home from school. I would give them chores to help keep things somewhat in order and did my best to stay on top of things. By the third day however, frustration had set in. It wasn't fair! I was having to do everything, and the more energy I expended thinking about how unfair it was, the more frustrated I got. By Friday, her last day of double shifts, I had completely given up. I made no attempt to pick up the house, rotate laundry or reign in the kids. It wasn't my fault. She was the one choosing to be gone so much and leaving me to take care of everything. Right?

Saturday morning I got my wake up call. Saturday is my least favorite day of the week. I typically work a double and in addition, it is the busiest day of the week at both jobs. I dread it when it comes. That morning at work as I pondered the day ahead of me a thought popped into my head. "You know how much you hate Saturdays? Well your wife just worked 4 strait double shifts and you didn't really do much to support her. On top of that the house is a train wreck so instead of resting and recovering today it will take her all day to clean." Immediately a wave of recognition flowed over me. I had been living in selfishness. I also recognized that in feeding on this selfishness it had affected many other aspects of my recovery. My dailies had been sub-par, I hadn't reached out as much as I normally do and my prayers were hurried and repetitive.

I immediately said a small prayer in my heart and the first thought that popped into my head was; Step 1:Honesty. I need to be honest about my actions. I pulled out my phone and sent a text apologizing to my wife. I explained that I recognized I had been selfish, that I was sorry and offered to help out with tasks around the house when I got home. It was a great first step, but it was only the first step. I pondered what more I could do. I rushed home between jobs to change only to find that the house was still in shambles and she was gone at a church function.

Realizing that I had about 40 minutes before I needed to leave to start my other job, I immediately went to work. I organized the kids and started cleaning frantically. I was able to clean the entire upstairs, vacuum everything and get everything in order. I rushed out the door to work again to finish my double. But you know what? It felt amazing. It was such a wonderful thing to get outside myself, my own concerns and struggles and just put someone else first. It completely changed my outlook and got me out of my rut.

Recognizing my red flags as they come is a huge part of my recovery effort. I am human. I still do stupid things all the time. Living in recovery doesn't make me perfect. It never has and it never will. What it has helped me do is recognize these red flags as they come so that hopefully I can get out of the toxic behavior before it leads me slowly back down the path to Satan's grasp. I am grateful that I was able to see it coming this past weekend, and I hope that I can continue to learn and grow.

Daily Bread

I know that I have talked a lot in this space about how important daily study and connection with others is to my success, or lack of, in this battle. It has become clear to me on so many occasions that if I am grumpy, weak, cranky, triggered or things are not going well in my life, chances are I have not been actively engaged in daily study for a period of time.

Recently the LDS Church released a new Mormon Channel video that addresses this concept that I wanted to share here. This was shared with me last week by a friend in recovery and it was a great reminder that just as going 2-3 days without eating would leave me in a weakened and diminished state physically, failure to feast upon the word of God leaves me lacking spiritually.

I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Sharing Light With The World

Over the past few weeks I have been blessed to have the opportunity to help my wife edit and proofread a book she is writing to share her story with the world.  As I would read each chapter, I would feel the spirit, every single time.  Even though I was already familiar with her story and in many cases had lived it with her, I couldn't help but be touched by the honesty, truth and hope.

I also recently finished reading Conquering Your Own Goliaths by Stephen A. Cramer.  Brother Cramer is also a recovering sex addict who was stuck at the depths and then found the Savior and was filled with hope.  Once again, as I read his story and the stories of others he shares, I was filled with light and hope.

It is much the same when I read the various addiction blogs and articles online.  There is just so much power and hope is seeing others walk the same path that I walk and seeing their successes, their stumbles and their willingness to keep getting up.

I have been thinking a lot about this over the past few days and why it is important.  The conclusion I have come to is that addiction teaches isolation.  It teaches me to hide, to be afraid, that I am the worst.  Satan is terrified of solidarity, of friendship, of love and support.  He knows the power in sharing with each other and sharing one another's burdens.  I am reminded of the baptismal covenant from Mosiah Chapter 18: 8-9;

8 And it came to pass that he said unto them: Behold, here are the waters of Mormon (for thus were they called) and now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;

9 Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the first resurrection, that ye may have eternal life—


I can't think of any better way to 'mourn with those who mourn' than by being there with hand extended to a friend stuck in addiction and being willing to say; "I understand. I have been there. Share some of my strength while the Lord replenishes yours".

I am particularly touched by the line 'to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things and in all places'. Being open about addiction is hard. But even a willingness to be a witness on a blog, or in a recovery meeting or with a trusted family member or friend, brings so much power and inspiration. Not to mention by doing it, I am living up to my baptismal covenants!

I am so grateful for those who have gone before me and been willing to share their light. If no one ever stood up and shared their testimony and said 'This is who I am and my Savior loves me anyway' we might all still be stuck thinking we are alone. But we aren't alone! We have the companionship of a loving Savior and the examples of so many who have walked this path and been brave enough to share their light with me and for that I am grateful.