Two Steps Forward, Two Steps Back

It's been such a roller coaster of emotions the past 7 days.  It was one week ago today that my web of lies came crashing down around me leading to my eventual separation from my sweet wife.  In the days since, my emotions, my faith, my ability to function as a normal human being seem to come and go on a minute to minute or even second to second basis.  I'm over-analyzing everything and letting stupid things lead me to tears. 

Yesterday started off pretty good.  I had a solid day at work, got to come over to the house and spend some amazing time with my boys and even made everyone dinner.  Afterwards I took the boys to run some errands so my wife could have a break and then we all ended up home around 7.  I was happy, and functioning.  But then it was time to leave, because I don't live here anymore.... And my world came crashing down all over again.

After another difficult and far too short night, I woke today with a better attitude.  Right before bed last night, I read through my step one answers in the 12 Step workbook that I started after my last serious relapse.  I saw some glaring omissions, despite a lot of honesty about a lot of things, there was very little honesty about well, honesty.  That seems silly to read but it jumped right out off the page at me.  Had I really not recognized that this all begins with lack of integrity?  With simple lies that turn into chains of despair? 

Then this morning I was in a daze at work.  In the midst of my daydreams I received the most wonderful tender mercy.  One of my biggest misconceptions about recovery, is I have CONVINCED myself time and time again that the one BIG moment would come.  I would hit rock bottom(again) and it would hurt too much to ever, ever return to my addiction.  It was going to be my Sobriety "Alma the Younger experience".  So with each slip or relapse I would tell myself.  "This is the one, I will be telling people about this day for the rest of my life when I have X years and months of clean living."  Then would come the inevitable slip and my entire fantasy world would shatter anew.

So this morning I started entertaining that fantasy again.  "Imagine in a year when this is over and I'm sober and awesome and I can look back at this day and laugh."  Then in my mind it hit me.  "You are an addict, odds are you will slip again, and what can make all the difference is in how you treat future slips or if you let it become a serious relapse again."

So I decided to define slips and relapses and the differences I have seen in my life.  These are my terms, based upon my own experiences.

Slip - I messed up, I need help, but I know where to turn.  I will confess to my Bishop, my spouse, my support system from the 12 Step program.  I will re-engage myself in my recovery and evaluate my boundaries and try to keep this from happening again.  It will be hard, it will take time to re-grow trust but with the Lord's help and continuing to face forward it is possible.

Relapse - I suck, I can't do it.  I'm not strong enough.  Everyone is going to be disappointed in me.  I'm not sure my wife can take another one.  My Bishop is going to lose hope in me.  It will be easier to just lie.  It was only once and I will be strong from here on out.

Option 2 has more or less been the story of my life.  I think there was one time when I chose path 1, for the most part every other slip was path 2 and turned into a serious relapse that affected every aspect of my life.  I'm learning, I'm recognizing, I'm seeing the patterns.  Does this mean I will come through like a champ if a future slip occurs?  I hope so, but all I can do is trust in the Lord and try to prepare myself.  

So that's where I am at today.  It feels a little like 2 steps forward, 2 steps back.  I still get emotional, I still cry, I still beat myself up.  But I'm also learning, being taught by the Spirit and doing everything in my power to face forward.  I may not be strong enough to actually walk or even stand just yet.  But I can face my Savior.

I Was Lost

P.S. For awhile I was signing all my comments and posts as just 'Lost'.  Until it was pointed out to me by someone special that I am not 'Lost'.  I WAS lost.  But I know where I am and where I need to go.