Hidden Wedges

The past few weeks of struggle and introspection have given me many opportunities to look at my past and try to figure out what I have done wrong and what could be different in the future.  One particular topic has been heavy on my mind and I wasn't really sure what to do with it.  In the past couple days my eyes have been opened to how to move forward.

When my wife and I first got married we were both a mess.  We were both stuck in dead end jobs and had no real plan for our future.  We were both dealing with significant life challenges from our past, a serious addiction that I had kept hidden for years in my case and some serious baggage from a very difficult and abusive relationship from her past in her case.  We were 2 broken puzzle pieces rotating again and again trying to find a way to fit together, and it wasn't working very well.  To add to the mess we were faced with the happy but extremely stressful news that we were expecting our first child.  Those first few years were a huge mess and we both made tons of mistakes.  It was during this time that my wife first discovered my addiction.  Shortly after this discovery we got caught in a cycle of pain and despair.  We had no idea how to fix our relationship.  During this time 2 things happened that had a profound impact on our relationship, first we met an amazing LDS couples therapist who did wonders to help our relationship and as part of this process my wife disclosed something to me that was extremely painful on a personal level.

Early on I was hurt, angry, frustrated and didn't know what to do.  So I did what my addict self had always done.  I buried it away.  She did everything in her power to make things right and we continued to meet with our Bishop and therapist until we were both worthy and ready to enter the temple and be sealed.  But through all this process I had never allowed myself to heal from this.  I buried it inside me, like a "get out of jail free" card for future errors on my part or to use as a weapon should we ever end up in a courtroom going through a divorce or custody battle.  In the moment I didn't think it mattered much.  I simply stopped feeling.  I was already good at this from years of addiction so this was just one more wall on top of the dozens that already existed.

Outwardly I pretended that I had moved on, in fact my willingness to move on and "do the right thing" became a great source of pride for me.  I would have these conversations with myself patting my virtual back for being a great guy for being so willing to forgive.  But it was entirely a facade.  I hadn't forgiven, I had buried it away.

Well fast forward to a few weeks ago when my wife and I were separated.  When she asked me to leave, this secret immediately came bubbling to the surface.  For a brief period of time I felt a strong urge to share this secret from her past.  "Well yes I just majorly screwed up and wrecked our relationship and trust BUT, DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT SHE DID?!?!  I was angry and hurt and struggling for answers.

Fortunately I didn't go that route.  Instead, I slowly started listening to the Spirit that was quietly but firmly telling me that this was MY problem.  She had long resolved her end of things and had embraced the Atonement with all that she was.  In fact she had become a powerful example to me of the change that was possible if one truly turned their life over to the Lord.  I started to recognize that this was the adversary trying to help me justify my own mistakes by comparing them to the mistakes of others.  So I stewed.  I knew it was on me but I didn't really know what to do with it.  In the weeks since as I have built up a few weeks of sobriety and spent more and more time focusing on things of the Lord, things have become more clear. 

Then over the weekend I had a breakthrough,  I read an extremely powerful and humbling talk from President Monson called, "Hidden Wedges".  In the talk, he speaks of a young farm boy who places a large metal wedge in-between the branches of a young tree in his yard only to forget about it.  Years later, to his dismay, a winter storm brought the large, aged tree to the ground.  As the tree grew older it had grown around the wedge, hiding it from view but never allowing the tree to be as strong or as true as it should have because of the shard of metal stuck inside its heart..

He then explained how many good and faithful members of the Church allow painful wedges of life to affect their happiness for years to come.  These wedges can be unresolved sins, offenses done to us or by us, all of which can allow unresolved pain to affect our future happiness.  As I read and then listened to his powerful words, a rush came over me.  This was what I had been doing for years.  I had never allowed myself to be as vulnerable, as honest and I had never allowed our relationship to be as strong as it could.  More importantly, I had not allowed myself to be the man that I could be if I would just learn to trust my Savior.  I had driven so many painful wedges into my soul.  Sins of my own and grudges from the hurts and misdeeds done by others.

It really opened my eyes to the power of the 12 Steps.  We take Steps 1-3 to learn how to be honest and trust the Lord.  We take steps 4 and 5 to remove the painful wedges we have created in our own soul and then as we progress, we take steps 8 and 9 to try to remedy the painful wedges that we have helped create in others.  As we do this it allows us to become whole again.  To truly face forward and not let these pains and ills of the past dominate our lives.

I am so grateful for the Spirit that guides me to talks and inspired words that allow me to start unloading this heavy cart of baggage that I have tried to tow around for so many years.   I am grateful for the 12 Step program for showing me how to remove these wedges from my soul and help me be whole again, but most of all I am grateful for a loving Savior who guides the entire process.

I am still a very long way from being whole again but I am learning how to let go of these painful wedges and cling to him for strength instead.  I know that it will take time but my faith is growing each day that through Him, I can be healed.  For he truly is the Great Physician.

~~~ I Was Lost