Recognizing Satan's Lies

I have had a lot of opportunities for growth in the past couple weeks.  I am happy to say that I have seized many of these, but I still struggle at times to recognize the pitfalls that often fill my days and weeks.  One of my greatest struggles is recognizing when I am being pushed and nudged in the wrong direction by the adversary.

As an addict of over 20 years, I have always known on some level that the desires and temptations that would lead be towards my addiction come from Satan.  There was always a part of me, even in my darkest, deepest hours, that knew the truth, that still felt the light of Christ and knew these things were wrong.  I definitely wasn't always strong enough to turn away, or ask for help when these temptations arose but I knew what they were.

What I am not so great at is recognizing that depression, discord, anger, pride and my many other character weaknesses were also carefully cultivated and developed by that same great master of lies.  I have recently had a few experiences that caused me great pain and anxiety, where I struggled mightily before finally realizing that I was being sucked in again.  I share these not because they were great victories, but because I want to shed light on his darkness.  I want a constant reminder to myself of how he works and how he tries to influence me.

1.  Depression - Lately I have had very few temptations of a sexual nature.  After the humility and pain of my recent relapse, the urgings and uncontrolled thoughts have been few and far between.  But that didn't mean Satan had forgotten me or given up hope that he could break me and my family.  Instead his attacks were different, more subtle.  "You are broken".  "Your family has abandoned you when you needed them most".  "Your wife will never look at you the same again".  "You can never regain the trust that has been lost".  "You shouldn't even bother trying to change, it would be easier to run away, to hide, to die".  "They are better off without you".  I have heard them all.  I was driving on the freeway a couple weeks back, the day after everything came to light, and as I went over an overpass there was a feeling, an urging, to just accelerate into the railing and let my car plummet off the hill into a warehouse down below.  I had to literally shut my brain off because it was so full of despair.  But despite my testimony of the Gospel and knowing that thoughts of that nature are NEVER from my Father in Heaven, I was also not easily able to identify them as being the new plan of attack of the adversary.  Fortunately through days of study, prayer, meetings with my Bishop and accumulating a few days of sobriety and freedom from my addiction, the haze began to clear and I finally saw what was happening. Its scary to think that I was entertaining these thoughts, allowing them to take hold in my mind.  I need to remember so that next time I am more equipped to recognize. 

2.  Questioning My Wife - My wife has been seeing a therapist for a few months now.  They have a wonderful relationship and my wife has borne testimony to me on more than one occasion that she truly feels like she was meant to find this therapist.  She had been to a handful of others prior and always felt like something was missing.  She has found great support and growth in their time meeting together.  Well after our recent separation, I was suddenly reminded that her therapist is not LDS.  She is extremely well versed in our doctrines, our beliefs and is a Christian, but she is of a different faith.  I had always known this and had never cared.  My wife was happy with her, she was making progress and that was what was important.  But suddenly I had this overpowering urge to confront my wife about it.  To question the people that she was choosing to use for support after having her world ripped down around her.  Even thinking it now, it sounds insane.  So quickly after relapsing, after being deceitful and choosing to nurture my addiction instead of our relationship, I had no right whatsoever to question who she was turning to in her moment of need.  But I couldn't let it go.  I asked her about it, if she felt right, if she felt she could get the right type of advice.  She was polite, probably more polite than I deserved, but she again bore testimony that her therapist has been nothing but a blessing.  I nodded and changed the subject, but I was still letting those fears live in my heart.  Finally Thursday night during a 12 Step Meeting, I felt the strong prompting to send a very simple and basic apology to my wife.  For everything, for taking her for granted, for always trusting that she would forgive me because "she was supposed to" and not because I was truly and honestly repenting and trying to change my life.  Throughout the entire mess of my addiction I'm not sure that I ever really just simply said.  "I'm sorry, you don't deserve this".  So I sent it, and she didn't respond, and I started to freak out.  I wanted to know what she was thinking, what her thoughts were.  But I felt strongly that I should leave it alone and just go to bed.  So I drove to my parents, threw myself down on my knees and over the course of about 20 minutes just pleaded with the Lord to take care of my wife, to take these fears and questions that filled my heart and just let me face forward and worry about my own problems.  The next morning I felt so much better.  The questions and fears were mostly gone and when they did return the pull was greatly lessened. 

3.  Urging Me To Be The Victim - My wife and I over the course of the last few months were working on a special assignment from the Bishop that we were able to work on as a couple.  It was a great experience and we had both been enjoying it.  But after my fall and our separation I had told the Bishop that it would probably have to wait for awhile.  I certainly wasn't in a place to give my all.  So he agreed to put it on hold.  Well unbeknownst to me, my wife had let him know that she would be willing to complete the assignment on her own.  We were almost done and she felt it was what the Lord wanted.  My Bishop consulted with his counselors and agreed that it was the right decision.  So I found out about this on Sunday during Church.  I immediately freaked out.  "Oh my gosh. Don't you know how this affects ME, how humiliating this will be for ME, people are going to KNOW.  They are going to wonder why I'm there but no longer involved".  It was a constant cascade of woe is me, my life is so hard.  I let my wife know how I was feeling.  Her simple response.  "I am sorry, I know this is hard, but accountability is hard sometimes".  It felt like a slap in the face in the moment.  Fortunately I was able to close my eyes and immediately give it to the Lord.  It still took a couple days to be entirely on board and supportive of the decision but I was quicker to recognize Satan's hand.

I want to remember.  I want to be better at recognizing that when I am feeling sorry for myself, when I am prideful, when my only concern is how something affects ME, when my thoughts and desires take me to a dark, lonely and scary place.  This is the work of Satan.  He is the father of ALL lies.  He is the master of deceit.  I know his handiwork.  I don't want any part of it.  I am striving to be quicker to recognize, to be full of the Spirit instead of the lies.  It is hard sometimes and I know it will take time.  But the more good things I can fill my days with, the more blessings of God I will have in my life.

The good news is despite all of these challenges and struggles, I am moving forward.  My wife agreed to let me come back home.  There are rules and there are boundaries, but I am facing forward and working on what I can control.  Doing my dailies, reaching out, being honest and being humble.  One minute, one hour, one day at a time.

--- I Was Lost