"For My Soul Was Harrowed Up"

So I have a confession to make.  I am a fixer.  Shocker, right?  When problems would arise in my life, in my marriage, at work or in whatever walk of life I never wanted to analyze them, study them, feel anything about them and I sure as heck didn't want to talk about them.  I told my Bishop the other day that I feel sometimes like my heart wants "Catholic - TV repentance".  Now, I don't mean to diminish Catholics in any way because I know that there are many great and devout Catholics.  But in the movies you always see it depicted the same way.  Individual sits down in confessional booth, cracks joke about not having confessed in decades, rattles off a few things and the father gives him a few simple assignments, a to-do list if you will, to get the person out of his hair.  I get stuck in that rut A LOT.  I don't want to experience the pain and healing of true repentance.  I want to confess and then work a simple to-do list.  Then TAAA-DAAAH,  I am forgiven. 

I am slowly starting to realize and understand that it doesn't work that way.  Early on in our marriage when my wife first discovered my addiction, I ended up confessing years worth of old, buried away sins to my Bishop at the time.  It led to a disciplinary council, a dis-fellowship and some hard months away from the blessings of the Lord.  At one point in the process my wife and I were discussing it and she confessed that her greatest concern was that I hadn't really seemed to suffer or experience pain from my sins.  I had gone through the process, done what was asked, I had completed my "to-do list" but there was no real growth because there was no real anguish and Godly sorrow.  At the time I thought she was being cruel and unloving, but it is slowly being revealed to me that she was probably right.

In the Book of Alma, Alma the Younger describes this pain and Godly sorrow to his son, Helaman.

Alma 36:12-13 - 12: But I was racked with eternal torment, for my soul was harrowed up to the greatest degree and racked with all my sins.  13: Yea, I did remember all my sins and iniquities, for which I was tormented with the pains of hell; yea, I saw that I had rebelled against my God, and that I had not kept his holy commandments. 

Alma uses this same phrasing, "harrowed up by the memory of my many sins" again in verse 17.  I must confess, however that despite having read this section many times in my life, I had no idea what 'harrowed' actually meant... Until last night.  A missionary from my 12-Step group explained an experience he had awhile back where he was driving on a deeply rutted and damaged dirt road.  Later he found the same road remarkably smooth and graded.  Eventually he came upon 2 pieces of machinery that were fixing the road.  The first was a large, heavy metal piece of equipment somewhat similar to a plow.  It contains large spiked tines that dig down into the earth, breaking up the hardened ruts, pulling rocks and roots from below the surface and leaving the earth tilled and loose.  This device is called a harrow.  Right behind the harrow was a road grader.  Pushing the rocks and debris off to the side and leaving the surface incredibly smooth and perfect, like an entirely new road. 

He then explained that repentance and recovery are like that harrow.  It digs deep into our soul, causing great pain and anguish as Alma described, but also pulling out all the sins, lies, buried emotions and other baggage we carry around with us.  Then right behind the painful harrow of repentance comes the road grader that is the Atonement.  Removing the now exposed pain, sins and baggage that were pulled out.  Our Savior takes those away, smooths our souls and polishes us into the brand new road that we are capable of becoming.

For the first time in my life I am truly experiencing the pain and suffering that comes from this harrowing of the soul.  It hurts more than I ever could have imagined.  But I can feel the emotions, memories and baggage bubbling to the surface.  It is uncomfortable and it is shameful.  I am reminded every minute of the day that I let down those that counted on me the most, that loved me the most.  That I betrayed trusts and feelings that may never be restored or will take a very long time to heal.

I am clinging to that hope that somewhere in the future is that wonderful road grader that represents the forgiveness of The Atonement and outpouring of love from my Savior that will smooth over my rough edges.  It will swallow up my sins and embarrassing memories and leave my soul a smooth, beautiful surface once again.

The pain scares me, it makes me want to run.  But I am fighting, I am desperately trying to trust The Lord and let him help me and then heal me.  I know this is the only way to healing.  For myself, for my relationships and for my family.  If I want the true joy that WILL come, I have to experience the true pain that is this experience.

--- I Was Lost