Finding Joy in Adversity and Recovery

It's been a full couple days.  One topic had already been weighing heavily on my mind and then it was addressed again in detail at a fireside I attended tonight.  Is it possible to find joy in adversity, in recovery?  This has weighed heavily on my mind because in the past 2 weeks since my last serious relapse came to light.  I have been waffling between being stuck at times in "woe is me mode" or "Its a race, I have to become perfect TODAY to fix this and make it all better" mode.  There have been many unproductive thoughts including but not limited to; My wife doesn't support me as much as I hoped she would, this is hard, life sucks, why am I so stupid, how did I get myself into this mess?!? Blah blah blah.  It's taxing, its painful and its extremely depressing. It has affected my ability to be normal and happy around my kids and my wife.  Yes we are separated and it sucks really bad.  BUT, there has been a lot of progress and growth during this time.  Clearly this might have been the wake-up call that I really needed to finally embrace true recovery.  So do I really need to expend so much energy feeling sorry for myself?  Probably not. 

So my first thought was the talk given by President Uchtdorf at the last General Conference titled "Of Regrets and Resolutions".  In his list of regrets he spends a great deal of time discussing happiness and the things that we allow to prevent us from being happy.  He then gives the quote that I could not get out of my head the past couple days. 

So often we get caught up in the illusion that there is something just beyond our reach that would bring us happiness: a better family situation, a better financial situation, or the end of a challenging trial.

The older we get, the more we look back and realize that external circumstances don’t really matter or determine our happiness.

We do matter. We determine our happiness.

You and I are ultimately in charge of our own happiness.

A very simple yet powerful concept.  If I am not happy, I can't blame anyone else.  I decide my outlook, I decide how I let adversity and trials affect me and whether or not they will define me.  Will there be tough days?  Absolutely.  Will I still feel sorry for myself at times?  Definitely.  But does that have to be the story of my current existence?  I sure hope not.  I want to be happy.  I want to have relationships and friendships and tell stupid jokes and laugh and just enjoy life.  

Then at the fireside tonight, numerous scriptures were shared about hope, happiness and healing.  Here are a couple that I was able to jot down in my phone because I didn't have pen and paper handy.  

D&C 78:18-19  18 And ye cannot ^abear all things now; nevertheless, be of good ^bcheer, for I will ^clead you along. The kingdom is yours and the blessings thereof are yours, and the ^driches of ^eeternity are yours.

 19 And he who receiveth all things with ^athankfulness shall be made glorious; and the things of this earth shall be added unto him, even an ^bhundred fold, yea, more.

 The Lord is basically telling me(and you).  Look, you can't bear this right now.  I understand, its hard.  But you can still be happy, because I am with you and you will be blessed for enduring and learning from these trials.  Pretty amazing if you really think about it and let it set in. 

D&C 98: 1-3 1 Verily I say unto you my friends, ^afear not, let your hearts be comforted; yea, rejoice evermore, and in everything give ^bthanks;   

2 ^aWaiting patiently on the Lord, for your prayers have entered into the ears of the Lord of Sabaoth, and are recorded with this seal and testament—the Lord hath sworn and decreed that they shall be granted.   

3 Therefore, he giveth this promise unto you, with an immutable covenant that they shall be fulfilled; and all things wherewith you have been ^aafflicted shall work together for your ^bgood, and to my name’s glory, saith the Lord.

Again The Lord gives us very simple yet concise advice.  Rejoice evermore and be grateful, all the things  you are going through shall work together for your good...  Now I'm not going to lie.  That is an extremely difficult concept to wrap my brain around most of the time.  Seeing this trial, all my trials as blessings that I can be grateful for and trusting the Lord that it is for my good. That's a hard principle and one that I do not have much of a testimony of.  But I want to have a testimony of it.  I want to believe, to know that my trials are worth the pain, worth the work. 

So that is my goal for this coming week.  To be happy.  Not every second of the day because I know there will be hard times.  I know I will stumble and have to try to find the strength to dust myself off and try again.  But I can try harder to be grateful, to see the joy, to know that I am extremely blessed.

I want to be happy.  I know that the best way to get there is to follow the advice, the life and the teachings of my Savior.  So here goes nothing!

- I Was Lost