Today, I Can

Its been an up and down few days.  I returned home on Tuesday evening but things have not been rosy and bright.  This is a process and it is going to take time before things will ever possibly begin to feel normal again.  I have come to the realization that I would much rather experience pain and suffering myself than have to watch someone that I love suffer and know that I am the cause of it.  It is probably the most difficult part of this process.  As I study and work hard on my dailies and try hard to pray with intent and focus, I do feel relief from my temptations and my triggers but I am also more acutely aware of the mess I have made.

Its good in a way.  I want to learn and grow and be able to make smarter decisions next time.  Ideally there won't be a next time at all, but I know better.  You don't get through life without falling down and I fall down a lot.  The silver lining is that I am truly seeing how unmanageable my life has become.  There are so many side effects and consequences of my addictive actions and behavior that simply aren't easy fixes.  Some of them will take time to try and fix and overcome.  I am struggling to find the balance between seeing the past as a reminder to keep me from falling into bad patterns as opposed to letting my past actions become nothing but reminders of how horrible I am to tear down and crush my self esteem.

My goal right now is simply to take care of today.  I can't go back and change yesterday and I certainly can't change tomorrow but today is mine.  I can have a positive outlook.  I can do my dailies and things that will bring me closer to my father in Heaven today.  I can reach out to friends in recovery, to family and my Bishop for love and support.  I can be honest about when I am struggling.  I can plan out my idle time to avoid getting sucked into bad habits and triggers.  At the end of the day I can kneel down and thank my Father in Heaven for today and do it all over again tomorrow.  I don't know what tomorrow brings, I just have to trust that things will work out if I continue to take care of today.

I ran across a quote the other day that describes how I am feeling.

"I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it." - Groucho Marx

I honestly don't know what tomorrow brings.  I have hope for brighter days.  I know that no matter how deep the hole I am in or how overwhelming the problems seem that I do not have to carry this burden alone.  But today that is of no concern.  I will confront tomorrow when I get there.

The only thing I can control right now is today.  And today I can!

~~ I Was Lost