Sunday Night Journal

So I wasn't going to write anything tonight.  Its been a really emotional evening.  After a long talk, my wife and I decided to stay separated for the time being so that we can both focus on healing.  Deep down I know it makes sense.  That in the long term it will probably make all the difference in the world.  But today, right now, its the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

Earlier today, while abstaining from the Sacrament, I actually asked Heavenly Father to help me feel the weight of what I had done, to truly feel the Godly sorrow that would finally help me get out of this rut.  I guess I should have paid better attention to President Eyring's talk.  I'm in a better place now than I was a couple hours ago.  The hardest part was talking to the kids.  Trying to help them understand that its not their fault.  That Dad is just broken right now and he needs to go away to a Doctor to get fixed. 

I did have one really positive experience though.  I had to work a few hours this afternoon, which I hate doing on Sunday, but since some of my stinkin' addiction thinkin' led to some financial hurdles, I am doing what I can.  So I was driving down the street and an ad came on for Valentine's Day.  And as I'm driving this thought pops into my head.  "Valentine's Day is gonna suck for you since no one loves you".  And for like 3 seconds, I entertained that thought.  I believed it, and then I actually said out loud.  "Get out of my head, Satan!"  I recognized it for what it was.  It was a small victory, but one that I needed today. 

I know that I am  loved.  I know that people care about me.  I need to learn how to love myself.  I want to be able to look into the mirror and like what I see.  But I am worth fighting for.  My marriage is worth saving.  So I am going to fight.  I am going to trust in the Lord to make chicken salad out of the giant mess of chicken shiz I have made of my life.  He can do it.  I know that he can.

Here's to better tomorrows!

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