Worst Week In Awhile

So one my of biggest weaknesses is that I really struggle with honesty.  I don't even think about it.  I've allowed it to be so second nature that I will catch myself lying about stupid things, stuff that doesn't even matter.  But inevitably that leads to lying about big things as well.  It becomes so ingrained, so normal, that I don't even think before I do it.

Well I've been lying a lot lately about my sobriety.  I haven't had any, for months now.  I put on the happy face, and went to meetings and halfway did my church callings and halfway did my parental responsibilities and completely made a mess of things.

Naturally, I got caught and the instant I got caught, I knew it was really really bad this time.  My poor wife has put up with far more than she ever deserved and for the most part she has always been loving and supportive.  But I've worn her out.  I can see it in her face, in the way she looks at me, in her not so subtle posts on Facebook.  I don't blame her, I wouldn't want any part of me.  How can you love someone that never tells the truth?

Here is the really scary part.  I know I need to stop.  I know that my entire eternal marriage, family and salvation is on the line.  But Satan has me so stuck that I am really struggling for how to stop.  It seems so easy to say, just stop.  And it might really be that easy but I've never managed to pull it off.  So either I suck really bad, or this goes far deeper than just making a simple decision.

I know I need to turn to the Lord.  I know that through Him is the only way to find answers, to have hope, to truly change.  I was listening to old Conference talks earlier today and I ran across a  pretty amazing quote from Donald Hallstrom of the 1st Quorum of the Seventy.

 If you feel you have been wronged—by anyone (a family member, a friend, another member of the Church, a Church leader, a business associate) or by anything (the death of a loved one, health problems, a financial reversal, abuse, addictions)—deal with the matter directly and with all the strength you have. “Hold on thy way” (D&C 122:9); giving up is not an option. And, without delay, turn to the Lord. Exercise all of the faith you have in Him. Let Him share your burden. Allow His grace to lighten your load. We are promised that we will “suffer no manner of afflictions, save it were swallowed up in the joy of Christ” (Alma 31:38). Never let an earthly circumstance disable you spiritually.

I know this is what I need to do.  To 'hold on', and trust the Lord   That if I really try, and do all that I know how to do, that he will do the rest.  It seems too good to be true.  It seems impossible, but right now its all I have to cling onto.  Trusting Him is the only hope I have left. 

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