Probably the biggest obstacle to my recovery has been my prideful refusal to reach out to others when I am struggling. A huge part of this is because despite being in recovery for the better part of 3 years, I have still been very fearful of being open about my addiction with most of my friends and family. I have often discovered that I have a severe case of "But I'm doing good now" syndrome. What I mean by that is, I tend to try to white knuckle it and fight my own battles and tough it out until I have a few hours/days/weeks under my belt so that I can then go to my wife, Bishop, or sponsor and say. "Man, I had a really hard week last week, but I'm doing good now!" Oh how much easier things would be if I was humble enough to say, "I need help RIGHT NOW, please call me, come pick me up, pray for me". But I don't. I never have.
That's not to say the Lord hasn't tried to beat it into my thick skull on more than one occasion. Early on in recovery, I was on the verge of slipping up and relapsing. I was very near acting out, when suddenly my phone went off and I had received a text message of support from a facilitator in the 12 Step program. It immediately snapped me out of my funk and helped me get through the temptation. But despite tender mercies like these I have never been great at getting outside myself and asking for help.
So I took a huge leap of faith tonight. After many prayers for guidance the past couple days, I made the decision to come out about my addiction to all of my siblings and to one close friend. I prayerfully composed emails explaining my struggles and telling them all that I need allies. I need soldiers. I can't fight this battle on my own. My Savior will always be my Captain but the more troops I have at my disposal the better.
I can't do this by myself. I have tried, and tried, and tried. It doesn't work. I need my friends, my family, my support system at group and most of all I need my Savior. Together we can do it. It won't be easy, but hopefully after tonight, I will have a few new soldiers in my army.
Humbly yours
Lost
hey Lost. wow, tough story indeed. i'm so sorry for the position you are in right now. blogging is just one more way to get educated and to connect with others. I've been blogging almost a whole year. My recovery journey has been really rough. Brave man to confess to the siblings...wow, i still haven't done that.
ReplyDeleteThis is a critical and very important time for you. You seem at a rock bottom. You are ready to take step one...if you haven't already. Have you gotten a sponsor?? PASG doesn't do them as much but getting a sponsor and working with him was one of the best things i have ever done.
And reach out to others!! You are now in a position to accept help and counsel and support. Honestly, this is a good time. healing can't begin until we get out of God's way and let him do the real work. But recovery is a day at a time program. I highly recommended SA (Sexaholics Anonymous). It is brutally honest. and it works when you really work it the way it was intended.
good luck. stay connect to others! keep posting. Be real with those emotions like you're doing!!
Thanks Warrior. I appreciate the comments and advice. Coming clean to my family was hard but I'm at the point where I feel like I have to do things totally different than I have before. I've gotten responses back from all but one sibling and it has been nothing but love and support.
ReplyDeleteCan i ask how you went about it?? Email? person to person? I have a few brothers that I am close with that I have been really really wanting to talk to. Back last May, I wasn't able to go through the temple when my little brother got his endowments. Everyone suspected something but I never said. You can count on one hand all the reasons why a guy in his 20's isn't temple worthy.
ReplyDeleteWarrior,
ReplyDeleteMuch like you I have a couple siblings that it would have been much easier to approach but one of the facilitators from my 12 Step group has borne testimony numerous times about how if you want to get better you have to make huge changes. To me being totally honest with my family was a huge change, and a scary one. I did it via email. I needed the time to pray and think about what to say.
The response has been powerful. Nothing but love and understanding.
Lost