Baby Steps

I'm exhausted.  Too many nights of not enough sleep piled up on top of each other.  I should be in bed, but I would feel ungrateful if I went to sleep without sharing some of the tender mercies that I recognized today.

So as I mentioned in an earlier post, one of my biggest, most crippling character weaknesses is lack of honesty.  I got myself into a rut where lying about silly, inconsequential things became almost a routine.  Which obviously made it MUCH easier to lie when the big, scary stuff came along.  I recognized it for what it was and I'm working to do better.  But I am still an addict and I still do stupid things. 

So my wife texted me this morning about something minor.  And without even stopping to think, I embellished.  It wasn't a big ugly, scary lie.  It was a stupid lie, a petty one.  So a few minutes later I hop on the freeway and my heart starts pounding in my chest.  I realized it was happening again.  I had taken one small step down the path to shattered trust and false integrity all over again.  I turned up the radio and tried to ignore it.  Of course I was listening to Christian radio so turning up the music didn't chase the Spirit away, it just made me feel worse.  So I was about 10 minutes from my destination and I said a prayer.  I followed the advice of my Bishop, who has to drive frequently for work and told me that he regularly will turn off his radio and pray aloud while driving from spot to spot.  So I turned off my music and prayed aloud.  I asked what I should do, how I should do it and to give me strength.  The immediate prompting came, "Pull over and tell her".  I kept driving.  "Pull over and tell her".  So finally, a couple freeway stops sooner then I normally get off, I pulled off, stopped in the parking lot of a car dealership and was completely honest about the lie. 

It was a huge leap of faith for me right now.  Our relationship is so fragile.  I was so worried that confessing this was going to shatter any small amount of progress that had been made.  But I trusted the prompting I had received and every Primary and Sunday School lesson I ever had.  I was honest.  And things actually turned out OK.  She was upset, but after some time she was able to tell me that she saw it as progress.  Because I had recognized the lie, I had owned it and confessed it. 

I still feel somewhat discouraged that lying again was so easy.  That it has become such an automatic response, but I am grateful that The Lord helped me have the strength to do the right thing, even though it was scary.  I am grateful that I decided to take the KLove Challenge and only listen to Christian Radio for 30 days so that I was in an uplifting environment that was conducive to making the right choice.  I even set every single one of my radio presets to that station so I won't have easy, one-click access to other stations. 

But the best part of my day happened about an hour ago.  I was able to give my wife a hug and then as I left to head over to my Mom and Dad's to sleep.  I didn't break down emotionally while leaving for the first time in our week of separation.  I was able to face forward and have a good attitude. 

I am taking baby steps, because when it comes to recovery, I am still a baby.  But I am moving forward.

--- I Was Lost