Dear Bishop

My wife started a feature on her blog awhile back called 'Dear Bishop' where addicts write letters to their Bishops and share some of their journey and their experiences.  I have really enjoyed reading through these letters and hearing of the hope that can come from turning to a servant of the Lord.  I have decided to write my own letter to the first Bishop that I was ever completely honest to about my addiction.

Dear Bishop,

To this day I still do not know why you wrote that letter that I received so unexpectedly.  I wasn't even living in your ward boundaries at the time, although my records were still there.  I suspect that you were probably following a prompting from my Heavenly Father who knew intimately how much I needed an advocate.  Whatever the reasons that led you to send it, I want you to know how much it meant to me.  I had been in the darkest period of my life for around four years at the point in time.  I had been completely inactive from the Church and completely shutoff from my Heavenly Father.  I had given myself over completely to my addiction and many other poor choices.  It was during this period of my life that my addiction to pornography and things of a sexual nature exploded from a once in awhile struggle to a daily fight that consumed and controlled me.

I understand now that the timing was not accidental.  I had recently met the beautiful daughter of God who would eventually become my wife and the mother of my children.  Things were progressing and I knew that the time was at hand to make big decisions and hard changes in my life.  I was absolutely terrified at the idea of repentance and had no idea where or how to start.  When I arrived at my parents house that day and my Dad told me that I had received a note from you in the mail I was shocked.  Why were you expending energy on me?  I was so broken, so beyond help.  I was in a downhill spiral like grime and dust circling a rusted out drain.  I opened the card and your words were simple.  That you had been thinking of me, that your door was always open and that you just wanted me to be happy.  That was over 15 years ago and yet I still remember it vividly.  For the first time in many years I had a small glimmer of hope.

A short time later I found myself sitting in your office.  For the first time in my life I was open, I shared my struggles, my fears, my shameful experiences and mistakes.  It was hard, but I will never forget the feeling when I walked out of that room and left so much of that burden at your door.  I felt lighter, happier and like there was finally a small possibility that things would be okay again.

I wish I could tell you that everything was okay.  That after our meeting I made all the needed life changes and my life has been a fairy tale ever since, but life isn't a fairy tale.  Since our meeting I have since continued this painful process with 3 additional Bishops.  I have been through disciplinary councils and was disfellowshipped at one point.  It wasn't always bad though, there were good times as well.  I was able to return to the temple and be sealed to my beautiful wife and my children.  I had periods of time when things were good and I could feel the love of my Savior in my life.  But I am still an addict and I had never really been able to admit that.  I had not found the way out of that hole just yet.  

About three years ago I was introduced to the 12 Step Addiction Recovery program.  For the first time in my life I was able to admit that I was an addict, but even though I now had access to the tools that could help me finally step out of the darkness that enveloped me, I was afraid.  I dipped a toe into the water.  I would even at times wade into the shallow end of the pool, but I was too scared.  I didn't have enough faith to jump in with both feet and trust that the Lord would catch me, that hope was available to me.  

In the past 5 weeks much has changed in my life.  I had fallen once again and resorted to the lies that always came so easy to me.  I fell and I fell hard.  For a time, I thought that I was going to lose everything.  So once again I found myself in the office of my Bishop.  For the first time I was willing to do whatever it took to have my Savior with me always.  Since then things have been slowly improving.  I still have such a long way to go but I have faith.  I have hope.  I have finally started to really get to know my Savior, and how much he is willing to help me, to love me, to fight for me.  I know that he is always with me.

As I look back at the past 15 years, there have been many mistakes and things I wish had gone differently.  But the perspective of time has also shown me that each Bishop that listened to my confessions, that wiped away my tears and gave me advice has also helped me to better known my Savior.  I am the man I am today because of each of your efforts and prayers.  There have been so many great men who have inspired me, fought for me and prayed for me.  I am eternally grateful for that love.  It gave me hope so many years ago and it gives me hope today.

So Bishop, thank you for thinking of me.  Thank you for taking the time to write that note and send it to my house.  It led me to your office door and helped me start this process.  It helped me have faith that I was not lost and forgotten.  That people still cared about me.  It helped me feel my Savior's love for the first time in a very long time.

 ~~~ Tim