Battling Fear and Solitude

So early this morning, Sidreis and my 3 boys embarked on the 14 hour trek to her parents' place in middle-of-nowhere Montana.  Next week is Spring Break for our boys and her folks live so far away that it is tough for us to get up there more than once or twice a year.  I am happy for them.  Sidreis deserves the break and some time to be surrounded by her family, but I am terrified.  I used to relish her trips home with the kids.  I always work a ton while they are gone but I still get lots of 'me' time.  In the past that meant plenty of time and opportunity to seek out my addiction and indulge without fear of being caught.  This time I am just terrified of being alone.

Satan has been bombarding me with so many lies and triggers over my family leaving on this trip that I feel like I need to get them out there so they don't own me.

• That she isn't coming back - Right after my last relapse and during our period of separation, Sidreis told me that if it were feasible she would have packed the car and gone to her Mom's for awhile to put space between us and give her time to breathe.  School and work obligations prevented this from ever happening but it was definitely a consideration at one point.  So even though weeks have passed and we are making progress in our relationship, I still have this fear in the pit of my stomach that she isn't coming back.  I know its irrational and she laughed when I shared it with her the other day, but its an idea that I have not been able to shake.
• My name in her phone - This one is probably going to seem downright silly to many of you.  I used to be listed in my wife's phone as 'LoveOfMyLife'.  She even blogged about it awhile back.  But after my relapse and the repeatedly betrayals and lies on my part, she changed my name to just 'Tim' in her contacts.  So what, right?  Its just a bunch of digital letters.  It doesn't mean anything.  Rational me gets this.  I understand her fears and her reasons for doing it.  She was scared and had a hard time being in the same room as me let alone seeing me as the love of her life.  But Satan won't leave it alone.  He is in my head constantly about it.  The latest thought that keeps popping into my head is; "What if there is a car accident and they don't know who to contact because in her contacts you are 'just Tim'?"  Because its not like my name, address and phone number are listed on the car title and registration?!?  It's stupid and I don't want it anymore so I needed to get it out there so it doesn't fester inside me.
• That her parents are going to tell her she is crazy for sticking with me - Let me start out by saying that her parents have been nothing but supportive.  Her Mom is one of the most loving and forgiving people I have ever met in my life.  So this fear is probably the most irrational of all, but it is still there in the dark and lonely places in my mind.  It is easy sometimes to confuse 'rallying around her' with 'rallying against me'.

I don't want these fears anymore.  I want to trust in my Heavenly Father that what happens is what needs to happens, and is supposed to happen.  I am working on trusting Him more and understand that all I can control is my own behavior and work my personal recovery.  I am learning that the best way to do that is to get the fears out into the open so that is what I wanted to do.  Please keep me and my family in your prayers these next few days.  I am not good at being alone so I am going to be conscious to post often and try to get my fears out in the open so that they don't have power over me.  I am going to spend a lot of time relying on family and my support system this week.  I know that with the help my Savior and my friends that things will turn out okay.

If I say it enough times I start to believe it.  :)

~~~ Tim