Some Days I Just Don't Like Myself Very Much

It has been a rough couple days.  Not so much with triggers and temptations related to my addiction but rather with self esteem and depression.  Some days when I look in the mirror I just don't like myself very much.  After years of shame and self-loathing it is hard to see the light in my own eyes even when I am taking needed steps to be worthy of the Spirit.

I recently completed a refresh of my Step 4.  I did a step 4 about 18 months ago and even shared it with my Bishop and a sponsor in Step 5.  But I struggled to advance through step 6 and 7.  I just wasn't ready to give up those character weaknesses.  So this time around I made a goal to completely do step 4.  Answer the questions in the books with detail and spend time trying to get to the root of my triggers and my struggles.  It was during this experience that I came to the realization that many of my struggles stem from feeling inadequate.  Allowing myself to fall into the fantasy world of addiction seemed a logical decision when faced with my own inadequacies and failures.

When I was a teenager, my mom spent a good chunk of time as the Young Women's President in our ward.  You can imagine how pleasant this was for a typical teenage boy.  Not only did she know when all the activities, meetings and events were, she was in attendance at them!  One of my most vivid memories of this time was a set of flags that our ward had made to represent the Young Women's Values.  At every activity I was recruited to haul them in and out of the Young Women's closet so they were displayed at activities and meetings.  As I would carry them I couldn't help but read the names and messages that were displayed.  Most of them made perfect sense.  Faith, Virtue, Integrity, Good Works.  These were solid gospel topics that made sense.  The 2 that always made me chuckle a little at the time were; Divine Nature and Individual Worth.  I thought it was silly.  We all knew who we were.  I grew up in Utah and I had probably sung I Am A Child A God, one million and seven times in my life.  I knew what my nature was and obviously being linked with God gave me worth.  I vividly remember thinking this and finding it amusing that those values were included.  Now I understand that even at that young age, Satan was already in my head trying to lessen the importance and thus my understanding of these powerful concepts.

As I stated in my previous blog entry, I made a list of questions prior to Conference that I felt I needed answered or clarified.  Once the talks are available online in print form I will copy and past my thoughts along with the answers I received, but I really wanted to share one powerful message that I received in answer to my questions and prayers. The first question that I had was;

• Help me to better understand and have a greater testimony of my divine nature and relationship with my Father in Heaven.  

During the Priesthood Session, President Uchtdorf addressed this very topic and his words were so powerful and beneficial to me that I wanted to share them here, both as a reminder to myself on days like today but also in hopes that they might give strength to others.  His talk was about labels and titles that we give ourselves in life.  Family titles, employment titles, even church titles.  He then gave a list of 4 titles that we SHOULD be giving ourselves that will give us strength.   Here is a short video with some highlights from his amazing message.  I hope that it will touch some of you the same way that it did me. 







I am still learning these concepts but I am so grateful for men of God who guide me and help to build my testimony of the love and connection that I have with my Father in Heaven.  I am grateful for answers to my prayers.

*** EDIT - I just noticed that full text versions of all Conference talks are now available so if you would like to read the entire talk it is now available.

~~~ Tim