Consequences and Hard Lessons

The past few days have been some of the most difficult of my life.  I feel as if I am in a room and the walls are closing in on me.  Even after recognizing last week that I was stuck in isolation and taking steps to prevent it, I am still stuck dealing with the consequences of my actions from my last relapse period.

When I hit rock bottom in February, my life was so unmanageable that I had no idea how to fix it or get out.  So I did the only thing I knew how to do, I focused on recovery and gaining sobriety.  In the process I convinced myself that if I could just build up some sobriety and recovery that the other problems in my life would magically disappear.  Unfortunately, life doesn't work that way.  I am approaching 4 months of sobriety and recovery.  I have been attending the temple and trying to fulfil my Church callings.  Things are not perfect and there are still many stumbling blocks along the way, but there have been no slips or serious relapses.  But as wonderful as clean living is, it doesn't erase the ripple effects of the sins that have already occurred. 

In the pamphlet "For The Strength of Youth", we are taught that agency comes with a price.  We get to make choices but we have to live with the consequences, good or bad;

"While you are free to choose your course of action, you are not free to choose the consequences. Whether for good or bad, consequences follow as a natural result of the choices you make. Some sinful behavior may bring temporary, worldly pleasure, but such choices delay your progress and lead to heartache and misery."

As part of my mess when I was living in my addiction, I made a series of poor financial decisions leading to some significant debt.  Now I get almost weekly reminders of the struggle to stay on top of our finances and provide for my family.  It has been tough on everyone, from my wife to my 3 boys.  We have all had to go without.  I have struggled with waves of emotions.  Yesterday while working, I was overcome with a wave of emotion and I had to put my sunglasses on to cover the tears streaming down my face as I drove down the freeway.  I offered a heartfelt, pleading prayer to my Father in Heaven to strengthen me to get through this mess.  I don't expect it to all magically go away.  I understand that I need to learn from it and trust him to look out for my family. 

When I go through trials I can't help but be reminded of the counsel given to the Prophet Joseph in the Doctrine and Covenants 122:5-9;

5 If thou art called to pass through tribulation; if thou art in perils among false brethren; if thou art in perils among robbers; if thou art in perils by land or by sea;

6 If thou art accused with all manner of false accusations; if thine enemies fall upon thee; if they tear thee from the society of thy father and mother and brethren and sisters; and if with a drawn sword thine enemies tear thee from the bosom of thy wife, and of thine offspring, and thine elder son, although but six years of age, shall cling to thy garments, and shall say, My father, my father, why can’t you stay with us? O, my father, what are the men going to do with you? and if then he shall be thrust from thee by the sword, and thou be dragged to prison, and thine enemies prowl around thee like wolves for the blood of the lamb;
7 And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.
8 The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?
9 Therefore, hold on thy way, and the priesthood shall remain with thee; for their bounds are set, they cannot pass. Thy days are known, and thy years shall not be numbered less; therefore, fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever.

I don't know how long it will take to dig myself out of this hole.  I don't know how long it will take to re-build trust and re-forge bonds with those that I have hurt along the way.  I simply know that my Savior suffered far greater for me and that all I can do is trust him.  I know that recovery and sobriety are the right path, and while they might not fix all my problems, I know that its worth it.

 

~~~ Tim