Thought Of The Day

I ran across this today while doing my morning personal study.  It really brightened my morning and boosted my faith so I wanted to pass it along.

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Seeing this, I was reminded of the scripture from Romans 8:28;

 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

Some days are harder than others, some trials more difficult to overcome with a good attitude.  Sometimes when I fall it is incredibly hard to dust myself off and get up off the floor.  Despite it all, I do know that it is worth it.  I do know that the rainbow is coming.  Maybe today, maybe tomorrow, maybe in 6 months.  I don't know the time table, I just know that it IS coming.

~~~ Tim

Getting Back To Basics

In the past few weeks there has been many trials but also many blessings. I have been gently reminded that addiction recovery works best when I keep things simple. I struggle sometimes with anxiety. I constantly play out worst case scenarios in my mind and tend to assume the worst when stressful situations arise. I have tossed and turned a lot in my sleep these past few days as I pondered how to overcome our financial struggles and other life challenges. This stress leads to triggers and temptations to slip back into my old habits of turning to my addiction as a means of dealing, or hiding from stress.

At my PASG (Pornography Addiction Support Group) meeting last night, one of the missionary group leaders shared his testimony of dailies. The things that I should be doing every day to help me get through the day. I was reminded that the only way recovery works is one day at a time. I have no idea what my life will look like in 6 months or a year. I daydream at times of what it might look like, but ultimately I don't really know. I have today and I am grateful for today. Life is complicated enough without making it more complicated by trying to guess every single scenario that might arise, every hurdle that needs to be overcome.

As I pondered this concept I was reminded of the lyrics to one of my favorite Christian songs by Amy Grant.  It talks about getting back to basics, keeping things simple and trusting God.  That is the only way that works.  One day at a time. 

Don't Try So Hard

Another Monday comes and I just wanna breathe
Cause it's a long, long week for someone wired to please
I keep taking my aim, pushing it higher
Wanna shine bright, even brighter now
Wish I would tell myself
Don't try so hard

God gives you grace and you can't earn it
Don't think that you're not worth it
Because you are
He gave you His love and He's not leaving
Gave you His Son so you'd believe it
You're lovely even with your scars
Don't try so hard

Do you remember how the summers felt when we were kids
Oh we didn't think much about it, we just lived
Taking our time, beautiful leisure
When did we start, trying to measure up
And all this time, love has been trying to tell us
Don't try so hard

God gives you grace and you can't earn it
Don't think that you're not worth it
Because you are
He gave you His love and He's not leaving
Gave you His Son so you'd believe it
You're lovely even with your scars
Don't try so hard

God gives you grace
You can't earn it
Stop thinking you're not worth it
Because you are
He gave you His love and He's not leaving
Gave you His Son so you'd believe it
You're lovely even with your scars
Don't try so hard

Out Of The Darkness.

I have pondered doing this for a very long time, but I never had the courage to take the plunge. My name is Tim Agla and I am an addict. I have struggled with pornography and sexual addiction since I was a very young boy. It has become the battle of my life and has taken a toll on my marriage, my finances, my family relationships and likely my relationship with many of you reading this today. I have been actively participating in the LDS Addiction Recovery Program for almost 4 years with varying levels of success, but I have never been willing to really let people in to my struggles. This has forced me to live something of a double life. On one hand, recovery and the 12 Step Program is a very important part of my day, on the other, I tried, desperately at times, to keep many of you from knowing that this was part of who I am.

I don't want to live a lie anyone, so I made the decision to share this post, and the rest of my blog on Facebook today. I want my recovery self to be the same person that interacts with each and every one of you. I don't want to stop and think about who knows and who doesn't. I don't want to hide such an important part of who I am. The reality is that pornography addiction is a serious struggle that affects many men and women, probably even some of you reading this today. So perhaps in some small way, reading my story will help someone to see and understand that they are not alone, that there are many of us who walk this road and that there is help available.

So please, take a few minutes to read my story. Any thoughts or feedback would be greatly appreciated. If you do share my struggle, please know that I am here for you. I am certainly no expert but sometimes just knowing that you are not alone can make a huge difference.

Some of you might be wondering why I am doing this, some of you probably think I am crazy. I don't know a lot of things but I do know that fear and isolation are two of the biggest obstacles that an addict struggles with. Fear of what others will think if people know their true nature, scars and all, and fear that they are the only one that could possibly be this broken. Sexual addiction is particularly difficult because of the stigma that surrounds it, especially in religious circles. That is why I titled this post, 'Out Of The Darkness'. Addicts like me, tend to spend long periods of our lives living in darkness. Living in constant fear that someone will know, that someone will find out.

I don't want to be afraid anymore. This is who I am. I am an addict, but I am also the son of a Loving Heavenly Father. That is what defines me. That is what matters most.

~~~ Tim

It's The Thought That Counts

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The last couple days have been particularly stress filled.  Some of the financial issues that were fueled by my last relapse period have reared their head again leading to contention and blame.  I woke this morning feeling somewhat despondent.  I listened to a wonderful talk about Forgiveness by President Hinckley to try and break out of it but I was still in something of a funk.  Then completely unexpectedly, I received a text from one of my friends in recovery.  It was unexpected because this isn't someone that has reached out to me much in the past, and it was a simple text just sharing his favorite scripture with me, but it meant the world to me. 

Here is the funny part.  The scripture he shared didn't really speak to me.  I didn't read it and feel the Spirit and know that it was exactly what I needed in that moment.  If anything I was a little confused as to how it related to me at all.  Yet in my heart I still felt peace.  For the first time in a few difficult days I really felt like everything was going to be okay.  Then as I pondered this it hit me.  It's the thought that counts.  Yes its a silly phrase that has become a justification over the years for poor or late birthday gifts.  'I'm sorry I forgot your birthday last month, so here is a gift card.  It's super late, but its the thought that counts right!!!'  I've heard it a million times.

In this case however, it was absolutely true.  Satan does an amazing job isolating me, breaking me away from my family and my support center and making me feel like I am entirely alone and worthless.  It is one of his tried and tested methods of breaking me down and slowing my progress.  He has been very successful at it over the course of my life.  So sometimes, just knowing that someone is out there thinking of you, thinking of me, is just the boost needed.

I often think of reaching out to others, trying to share something from my daily study that might brighten some one's day, but I tend to get stuck in thinking that I have nothing inspiring to share.  If I could just find the perfect quote or scripture or anecdote, THEN I would share it with my friends.  Otherwise, what is the point of reaching out at all.  Today taught me how untrue that is.  It reminded me of something my sponsor told me when I was very new to recovery.  Many days, he would send me a text in the morning that was just a smiley face emoticon.  No message at all.  He explained that it was his way of letting me know that he was there.  The lines of communication were open and I knew he was thinking of me and that he was available to talk.  It meant a lot to me in those early days when every passing minute seemed impossible.

I am so grateful for that brother for taking the time to share, but more importantly I am grateful for the reminder from the Spirit that often times all my friends and family really need, is just to know that I am here for them, thinking of them and that they aren't alone.  That none of us are alone.  It doesn't take profound spiritual knowledge or wonderful quotes fine tuned with online apps so they are beautiful and inspiring.  Those things can be wonderful too, but sometimes it really is the thought that counts. 

~~~ Tim

Hope

Hope

It's that sole ray of light in a dark, dreary room.

Filling the blackness in a moment's time.

It's the hand extended when I thought no one cared. 

Helping me over mountains I never thought I could climb.

It's an old friend calling I haven't heard from in years.

Just letting me know that I was on their mind.

Its the random stranger stopping to help,

When things are falling apart and I'm all out of time.

Its the hands of a loving Bishop resting on my head.

Opening windows to Heaven I had forgotten were there.

Its an afternoon spent with family and friends.

At the park or the lake or the ballpark or fair.

Life is so full of miracles that I sometimes forget.

There is so much goodness around me I fail at times to see.

Life can be so easy to take for granted at times.

I forget how many wonderful people care about me.

Satan wipes away goodness and replaces it with fear.

He takes infinite beauty and taints it with shame.

He tears apart relationships that took years to build.

And softly whispers that my life is broken and will never be the same.

Then when all seems lost and I almost give in.

I am reminded  that all I have to do is simply extend my hand.

The Savior can access even the darkest of rooms.

He softly reminds me of his Father's eternal plan.

Though I sometimes feel like there is no light at the end,

And feel like I have reached the end of my rope.

Help is never fleeting or out of my reach.

For the Lord has promised there will always be hope.

Five Months

I woke up this morning to an alert on my phone reminding me that I have reached 5 months of sobriety.  Exactly 150 days as well.  It was a wonderful feeling.  As I reflected on this throughout the day I thought quite a bit about what I have learned in the past 5 months and wanted to share a few things here.

First off I think the main thing that I have learned is that while things are better, they aren't perfect.  Recovery is a process.  There are still good days and bad.  Ups and downs.  Sobriety is still a very, very long way from perfection.  I still do stupid things all the time and have to try to work on improving.  I am grateful for much but also very aware that there is much still to do.

Another thing that I am becoming more and more aware of is that this is a process.  Sometimes when I daydream I think of my life 2 to 3 years down the road.  I think of what it might be like to have years of sobriety, to be an advocate for the program.  I imagine what it might be like to speak at a fireside or serve as a missionary or facilitator.  These are good thoughts, but in my daydreams, one common thread is that I am doing so much better.  My recovery is something of an afterthought.

I have heard others share similar thoughts in the meetings that I attend.  I think it is probably pretty common when you are struggling with something significant to imagine what it might be like to be on the other side of the trial.  But here is the thing.  I have been attending recovery meetings for almost 4 years.  I have had over a year of consecutive sobriety in the past, I have had months of sobriety on more than one occasion and one common thread remains the same in all these experiences.  When I am doing what I need to be doing, my life is wonderful.  Not perfect, not addiction free, but still wonderful.  Because the Savior is part of my life and I am able to withstand the struggles that come my way.  When I fail to do my dailies, attend my meetings and connect with family and friends, my life is a struggle.  How many days, weeks or months of sobriety I have doesn't really play a role in how prepared I am to withstand temptations on that given day.  This is a one day at a time process.  All I can control is today, and even then it is only through the grace of God that I make it through.

So I guess in a nutshell, what I am trying to say is that I am slowly coming to understand that it isn't my trials that are going to change.  They will likely always be there.  Maybe not in this exact state and level of strength, but I am always going to be tempted.  I will always to some degree, be an addict.  What really has to change isn't my trials or my level of struggle, but rather what needs to change is me.  The more I do to prepare myself, to have the Savior in my life, to not be willing to compromise my integrity, my values and my family.  That is where the change comes.  Inside of me, within my heart.  Until the desires of my mind and my heart are simply replaced by the desires to do that which is good.  In Ezekiel Chapter 36, we are promised;

26 A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh.

 27 And I will put my spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes, and ye shall keep my judgments, and do them. 

The Lord has promised that the change will come.  He hasn't promised to remove my trials, but he has promised that he will change my heart and fill it with his Spirit.  That is really what recovery is all about.   I was given this trial to bring me closer to my Savior.  To get me off the fence that I sat perched on for so many years.  Knowing what I was supposed to do and filled with enough faith and testimony to never fall off the deep end entirely, but never humble and faithful enough to really immerse myself into the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  

Five months is wonderful.  I am humbled by it and grateful for it.  But ultimately, the only day that really matters is today, and today I go to bed sober and facing forward, and that truly is wonderful!

~~~ Tim

Accountability

I am currently working on completing Step 7 in the LDS 12 Step Manual, which means that the intimidating task of steps 8 and 9 are staring me head on in the mirror.  I am going to be honest.  I am a little bit scared.  Step 4 and 5 involved talking to trusted friends and advisers that I knew were in my corner and supported my efforts.  Steps 8 and 9 involves talking to, well everyone. 

Thankfully as I approach this process the Lord is helping me to have small victories that show me the path I need to walk.  Today I had one such experience and it was a major faith builder for me.

One of my job responsibilities at work is to be the point of contact with 3rd party company employees that work on our premises.  Even though they don't actually work for my company, they are an important part of what we do and it is a a big part of my job to communicate and work closely with them.  As in many walks of life, I get along well with many of these individuals but there are a few that I sometimes don't see eye to eye with. 

There is one particular individual that I have had a very tenuous relationship with.  We have butted heads in the past and so I often go into our encounters expecting the worst and that can lead to me being more demanding and aggressive than I normally am.  One day last week, he was one of the first people I bumped into early in my shift.  I was stressed out and grumpy and when he came up to ask me something, I jumped down his throat,  He later needed my assistance with another issue and I went out of my way to be rude and unpleasant.  I recognized the behavior in the moment but I justified it because of our previous history.  Later after he left and my day smoothed out I recognized that I had really been a jerk. 

Later that day I bumped into someone else that works for the same company as this gentleman.  I expressed to him that I felt bad for the way that I had treated his colleague.  He offered to convey that message and I was very tempted to agree.  That way I could feel like I had made things right without actually doing anything, but the more I thought about it the more I realized that I needed to fix this myself.  I politely declined his offer and decided to find a time to meet face to face.

So this morning was the first time that I ran into him since the prior incident.  He walked in with the colleague that I had expressed my regret to after the incident in question.  I was nervous and I was tempted to let it go.  I found myself justifying.  "He's been a jerk to me before too."  "It wasn't that big of a deal."  Then, right as I was arguing with myself, out of the corner of my eye I saw him break away to grab something he left in his car.

I called out his name and he turned around.  I smiled and told him that I felt really bad about the way that I had treated him last week.  I explained that I was stressed, grumpy and took it out on him.  He brushed me off and said that he didn't really remember anything and said we were okay.  I thanked him and then again expressed that I had recognized the behavior and even if he didn't think much of it, I felt like crap and just wanted him to know that I was sorry.  He thanked me and walked away.

Immediately as he left, peace swept over me.  I knew that I had done the right thing and more importantly, I began to recognize that it wasn't as difficult as I was building it up to be in my mind.  I was accountable, I was vulnerable, I was honest, and things worked out just fine.  It was a small victory but one that I needed as I prepare to embark on the journey that is Step 8 and 9. 

I recognize that Heavenly Father teed this one up for me and all I had to do was swing.  They won't all be like this, but I know the peace and relief will still come, because I am doing my best to make things right.  More importantly, I know that I am never alone in my efforts.

~~~ Tim