Dear Anonymous Daughter of God

I have recently started working my Step 9.  Step 9 of course asks us to make amends to those we have wronged over the course our addiction and the waves of behavior it can create.  In most cases, this can be done.  Friends, family, co-workers etc.  Many have been affected and in most instances can be contacted.  In my case however there is one unique aspect of my addiction that I have had trouble determining how to approach.

I grew up before the "internet generation" existed.  I did not have regular access to the internet until I was 21 years old and had returned home from my mission.  My earliest exposure to things of a sexual nature was not online, but rather on the telephone via adult phone lines.  From about the time I turned 14 years old, I had a bedroom in the basement of my home.  It was just my older brother and I down there.  My older sister was away at college and my parents and younger siblings were upstairs.  This meant that late at night I had free reign to watch the television in my room and in the family room just outside the hallway to my room.  This meant that occasionally I was exposed to adult content without parental supervision.  Occasionally I would get sucked into this content but more often than not it wasn't the inappropriate movies that sucked me in, rather it was the late night commercials aimed at adults that became my downfall.

In the late evening hours, even during normally appropriate programming, there would be regular commercials for adult phone lines.  They were everywhere.  It didn't matter the channel, only the time of day.  Before long I was calling on a regular basis.  I ran up outrageous phone bills and created financial burdens for my family.  It was a pattern that I would battle for many years and still battle at times.  These adult lines opened my eyes to things I had never dreamed were out there.  I was quickly immersed and entrapped.

Later in life I transitioned to chat rooms and online chat services.  The medium was different but the results the same.   I would spend hours indulging.  In my early 20's I would lose entire days to anonymous chat and fantasy.  Therein lies difficult thing about this.  Even though it involved real people, it was always anonymous.  I would create fake chat handles and identities, anything and everything but the truth.  It was a medium to create the me that I thought people would like since I was unhappy with the real me.  But now as I attempt to right the wrongs I have created and apologize to those who were affected by my behavior, I have no way to contact any of these anonymous people.  I never knew their real names, just as they never knew mine.  For a long time I had just decided not to do anything.  I couldn't contact them and they would certainly never read anything I could possibly write.  Then I had an idea.  I can write a letter and publish it on my blog.  So here goes.

Dear Anonymous Daughter of God

Hi there.  My name is Tim.  You never knew that because I didn't want you to know the real me.  When we talked I was lying, about everything.  I told you anything and everything that I thought would make you like me.  I was afraid to let you into the real me because I didn't like the real me very much so I figured you wouldn't like him either.  First off I want to say that I am sorry.  I said and did things that were inappropriate and wrong.  I treated you like an object of desire instead of a human being of worth and value.

Most of all I want you to know that I am a son of God.  I didn't really used to understand that, but I do now.  It has changed my outlook on myself and others.  I know that my heritage is divine and that is what matters most about me.  Not my height, weight or hair color.  Not my job, my house or my car.

I also want you to know that you are a daughter of God.  He loves you and is looking out for you.  If you haven't found Him and recognized His hand in your life, I want you to know that He is there.  He is ALWAYS there.  No matter how many poor decisions we make or wrong turns we take, he is still with us.  He will never leave us alone and never give up on us.  He never gave up on me and he will never give up on you. 

Finally, I want you to know that I love you.  Not in a physical or carnal way like I pretended to before, but in a spiritual and eternal way.  You are my sister and we are children of the same loving God..  I have prayed for you and I will continue to pray for you. 

I know that one day I will be able to see you face to face, whether in this life or the next, and say that I am sorry in person.  But for now, please know that you are loved and that you are never alone.

Humbly yours,

Tim