Lessons Learned in Las Vegas

So I just returned home from a business trip to Vegas.  A fairly scary place to spend time for someone who struggles with things of a sexual nature as I do.  I was nervous going in but also somewhat serene because I made the same trip last year and knew that while still in Las Vegas, my company plans the trip at a stand alone resort far from the Strip and the seedier side of the area.  

It is still Las Vegas though so I knew going in that diligence would be required.  The trip also coincided with my 4 month sobriety date and I am also very aware that recovery milestones can be triggers and pitfalls.  So prior to leaving I made arrangements to check in periodically with my support system and my family.  

The trip ended up being super busy and I was almost never alone.  Avoiding isolation is a huge way for me to stay safe and being with other healthy friends as much as possible was a big part of my safety plan for the trip.  

Ultimately things ended up going well.  I was triggered at times but by staying connected to others and remembering the Lord I was able to stay safe.  On my last day though I made some pretty significant breakthroughs.  I used to really enjoy casinos.  I loved to sit down and gamble and watch games at the Sportsbook and wander around the Strip.  I soaked it in.  On this trip though I noticed more and more how sad the casino floor is.  Elderly people pushing electric wheelchairs and oxygen machines around the casino floor.  Completely oblivious to the world around them.  At one point I sent a text to my wife saying "please never let me become one of these sad, lonely seniors that spends 12-14 hours a day in a smoke filled casino."   It was a joke but sadly I experienced many such individuals.  

The other thing I noticed was that my cell phone reception was awful in the casino but the moment I walked out to the front sidewalk it was crystal clear coverage for both calls and data.  I have no idea if this is due to all the equipment on the casino floor or it it is intentional on the part of the casinos.  Either way the results are the same.  The pull of the slot machines is much harder to resist when calls, texts and emails from family and friends don't reach you.  It is compete and utter isolation almost the moment you enter.  

I thought about how hard it is to overcome triggers and temptations when I am isolated and a light bulb went on.  Addiction is addiction.   Many of the folks inside are completely entranced by the gambling.  Their lives have become unmanageable.  The moment they made the choice to enter the casino and cross that threshold they were entering a danger zone and were almost totally isolated.  It was much the same as when I knowingly put myself in harms way.  I knew what I was doing, I knew the likely consequences but I entered through the door anyway.  And much like the bright lights of a Vegas casino can suck in a gambler, I found myself lost.  

Addiction can lose any of us when we isolate and consciously put ourselves in places where isolation and triggers are bound to occur.  It is easy to get lost.  I have gone down that rabbit hole many times.  But much like those people in the casino started out by willingly entering the casino floor, with every one of my slips and relapses I willingly took a path that I knew would end in isolation and harm's way.  I had a choice.  I had agency. I had to choose between isolation and connection.  Sometimes I chose poorly.  Fortunately I was also blessed with a Savior who not only helps me overcome those poor choices but also helps me learn and grow from those mistakes.  It leads to progress.  It leads to hope.  

Even in Las Vegas there is hope, I just have to be willing to look for it.  To look for Him.  He is always there.  

Do I Allow the Atonement to Sustain and Heal Me?

So today was our ward conference at Church.  There were many wonderful and powerful messages given and it was a strong meeting.  The primary speaker was our Bishop and he gave an amazing message about the Atonement.  Over the course of his talk, he posed a couple questions that really made me think.

Early on in his message he quoted the well-known scripture from 2 Nephi Chapter 2, verse 25;

Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy.

He then posed a very powerful question.  He talked about Eve, the mother of us all.  He then asked simply.  Eve was evicted from the Garden of Eden.  She was sent into the dreary world to earn her keep by the seat of her brow.  Then as she started her family, her son Cain murdered her other son Abel.  Through this entire process, how could Eve have possibly been happy?  He paused for a minute and he then simply explained.  Because she allowed the Atonement of Jesus Christ to comfort her and sanctify her in her trials and struggles.

That really struck me.  She allowed the Atonement to help her?  It really made me think.  I have often heard that faith is an action.  That it motivates me to do things, to feel things, to experience things.  It is more than just believing.  But I'm not sure I had ever thought of the Atonement as an action.  Am I actively choosing to accept the Atonement?  Am I choosing to take my struggles, temptations and fears to the Lord and access his Atonement?  Or am I choosing to sit in them?  Am I choosing to isolate myself from the Lord?  For years addiction taught me to choose isolation.  It taught me to hide and lie and embrace fear.  It taught me that protecting my secret was the most important thing in my life.

As I made that connection I realized that it would have been impossible for me to allow the Atonement to heal me when my entire focus was on hiding and covering up the evidence.  As I thought about it and processed more I finally came to the conclusion that allowing the Atonement to help me in my addiction means to accept my powerlessness and surrender my struggles to the Lord.  In doing this I allow the Atonement of the Lord into my life.  It really can be that simple.  It almost seems like a paradox at times.  That the way to have greater strength in this struggle is to show more humility.  That the way to finally have the means to overcome temptations in the moment is the admit that I can never overcome them.  But it works.

The scriptures teach often that it is by simple means that miracles can happen.  The Children of Israel simply had to look upon the brass serpent created by Moses at the urging of the Lord and they would be healed.  Some thought it too simple a solution and weren't healed.  They perished because they thought the solution needed to be more complex.  But that isn't the Lord's way.  In Alma 37, verse 6, we learn that;

Now ye may suppose that this is foolishness in me; but behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise.

I am really good at making simple things complicated.  It is something I have often struggled things.  I have been told more than once in my life that I learn things the hard way.  But the reality is the solutions to life's complicated problems are often very simple.  As simple as accepting that my problems are too big for me but that there is one who is more than willing and able to take them.  I just have to allow Him in.  He will always be there.  I just have to take that action first. 

Switch Hitting: My Struggles with Food

So I need to get some things out into the open.  For the last 3-4 months I have been doing awesome in regards to my battle with lust.  Things have been open and true and honest.  I have attended meetings and many other uplifting activities to help me in my efforts and there have been many brave and valiant brothers who have supported me on my journey.  Part of the reason that I have done so well is because I haven't tried to do it on my own.  I have reached out for support daily.  To the Lord, to my Heavenly Father and to many others in recovery.  It is a tried and true method.

But sadly, lust is not my only struggle in life.  I am also very much a food addict.  I have battled weight gain and unhealthy eating habits my entire life.  When I was younger, I was active enough in tennis and baseball that any pounds I put on in the winter were quickly removed in the summer months.  As life sped up and kids, family and 2 jobs entered the picture, bad habits because my norm and my weight ballooned.  I turned to food to numb my pain and my world much as I did with lust.  At times I even used it as a substitute for lust.  Upon looking back I have realized that as times when I would gain some sobriety from lust I would often find myself binge eating.  Breakfast would be an entire box of raspberry jelly donuts and my breaks at work would often consist of multiple candy bars and a large soda.  It became my substitute drug of choice on a regular basis.

So a few months back upon recognizing my struggles with food and lust often went hand in hand and also getting a bit of a wake-up call when my Dad had some serious health struggles that were exacerbated but his struggles with weight, I decided it was time to not just really try to get clean from lust but to also live a healthier life in general.

Overall things have gone well.  Since Thanksgiving Day I have lost over 40 pounds.  I have completely eliminated soda pop from my diet and I have started tracking everything I eat.  I have also tried to become more active.  I started walking.  I played tennis for the first time in 15 years.  I bought a bike and starting riding.  It has been wonderful and it feels good. 

But the last week or so the temptation to binge eat has re-appeared with a vengeance.  I find myself lingering at the bakery at work trying to think of an excuse to take home a cake, or convincing myself it is the right thing to do to try out our new themed donuts so I can tell customers how wonderful they have.  As of yet I have maintain my healthier habits.  My foot has been hurting and the weather poor so I haven't walked as much but I have gone on bike rides 2 of the last 3 days.  I am still tracking my calories.  But I realized that I need to start being more open about my struggles with food.  I don't hesitate to call in re-enforcements when I am struggling with lust so why is it so hard to openly admit that I am tempted to binge on food.  It shouldn't be.  I don't want it to be anymore. 

The other day I reached inside myself and found the humility and strength to open up to a few in my support system about my struggles.  I gave up the secret.  I shed light on the darkness.  And you know what?  Just as reaching out for support gives strength and hope in regards to my struggles with lust, asking for support and sharing with others was just as powerful when applied to my struggles with food.  The responses were nothing but love and care and concern.  No one mocked me and laughed or said being overweight won't keep you from the temple.  They understood.  They responded with love.  It was a powerful lesson and more importantly it got me outside myself.

Life just works better when I am open and vulnerable.  Not just about lust.  Not just about my struggles.  But about everything.  That is where true connection occurs.  When I can just pull back the curtains and say; "This is me.  This is who I REALLY am", and trust the rest for God.  He will always get me the support I need in those moments.

I am committing to be more open and vulnerable.  Not just about my lust addiction but with all my struggles.  I am committing to talk to people.  To share my ups, downs and in-betweens.  I am committing to be real.  I know it will work.  I know that the more open, honest and real I am, the better my relationships with be.  The better I will be. 

God is good.  He wants me to be happy.  He is showing me the way. 

Practicing Patience

One of my biggest struggles in recovery and in life is learning to be patient and trust the Lord's timeline. I was texting a good recovery friend yesterday and he asked how I was doing. I was tempted to just reply that things were good. Because really, things have been good. But in my heart of hearts I knew that wasn't the whole truth. So I expressed my struggles with patience. It is very easy to fall into the trap of "Why can't things just happen faster?"

Why can't my relationship with my Savior be made strong and true TODAY?
Why can't I be on the other side of withdrawal symptoms and daily triggers TODAY?
Why can't my marriage be secure TODAY?
Why can't my wife want to hold my hand again TODAY?
Why can't I stop worrying that others will define me by my past actions TODAY?

It is so easy to get sucked into this cycle. Along with it comes fear, uncertainty and a loss of serenity and hope. While all these thoughts were going through my head yesterday I came across a meme online that talked about trusting the Lord's timing. This kind of snapped me out of my funk and helped me focus on gratitude. One of my sponsors has taught me the wonderful lesson of always expressing gratitude for what is good in my life before I talk about my fears and resentments. The lesson is a simple one. If I focus on gratitude FIRST, the resentments and fears lose much of their power over me. If I look at the list above I can easily turn most of those around by choosing gratitude.

My relationship with my Savior CAN be made strong today if I am willing to do my part.
I can be in a better place in regards to my triggers and withdrawal symptoms if I work my recovery and talk honestly about my struggles and surrender them to God.
My marriage is much better today than it was 3 months ago and progress is consistent and ongoing.
I can't control if my wife will ever want to hold my hand, but if it is the Lord's will He will see it through.
I can't control how others define me but I can focus on my own self worth and divine nature as the son of a loving God.

While pondering this subject and doing some personal study I came across a wonderful quote from Elder Neal A. Maxwell;

"The issue for us is trusting God enough to also trust His timing. If we can truly believe He has our welfare at heart, may we not let His plans unfold as He thinks best?"

Patience is hard. Watching and waiting is hard. But the fact is that so much good has happened in my life these last few months that there is no way I could possibly deny the Lord's hand in my life. And if I recognize His hand in my life I also have to trust His timing. Things will happen according to His timeline and not my own. I obviously still have things I need to learn and growing I need to do before this trial will be behind me.

Patience is a process. I am not always good at it. But I know that when I focus on gratitude and choose to see good in my circumstances, in those around me and in myself. I can't possibly expect others to focus on the good in me if I am not willing to see it myself.

God is good and with His help I CAN do this. One day at a time!

Milestones and Recognizing Progress

I realized this morning that today makes 3 months of new sobriety.  I had a hard time determining what to do with my sobriety number when all of the changes in my life happened a few months back.  It has been almost 8 months since I last had a serious relapse that led to me acting out.  For a long time I thought that meant this was my sobriety date.  I believed for many years that as long as I didn't completely act out that I was clean.  That was a huge obstacle in my recovery and created many of the problems I am currently battling. 

It took me a long time to realize that.  In fact for awhile I was doing a pretty good job of playing the victim when my wife first expressed to me how she was feeling.  There had been no new discovery or disclosure or "D-Day" as I have heard it called by some people.  That made it hard at first to really understand what was happening and why it was happening.  It was only after some true soul searching and some real honesty with myself that I started to understand a little bit.  It didn't need to be single significant event.  Rather it was years and years of build-up, half efforts and unresolved issues that weighed down on me, on my wife and on our marriage.  There were periods of sobriety and white-knuckling but never a true "progressive victory over lust" as described by Sexaholics Anonymous.  Progressive simply means improvement.  Are things getting better day by day, week by week.  Are habits beginning to change.  Is accountability growing?  Are trust and greater feelings of safety starting to grow and solidify?  All of these things would be signs of true progression.  And the reality is, for a very long time none of these things were really happening.

So I sat down one day and I decided to choose a new sobriety date.  I had a facilitator share with me once early on in recovery that the key to real change is valuing your recovery more than your sobriety.  He said that he tracked his sobriety but started over anytime there was the slightest hint of a slip or stumble.  Because that number wasn't what really mattered.  It was the change taking place in his heart that signified true recovery.  So with that in mind I sat down one night and I thought about myself and my life.  I tried to think of the furthest date back that I could be 100% sure that I hadn't given into lust or fantasy.  That I hadn't brought those feelings into my marriage, into my home.  It was hard but I wanted a number I could feel good about.  I ultimately settled on November 23rd 2014.  Now it's possible it could be more than that.  I just don't know.  And like that brother who was such an example to me, I want my recovery to mean more to me than my sobriety.  It has to, because that is how real change occurs.

Image Credit

As I look back at the last 3 months I can't help but be immensely grateful.  So much good has happened in my life.  The hand of the Lord is so evident in my life and and the lives of my family.  It is hard sometimes in the moment to see progress as it happens.  Especially when things seem particularly dark and hopeless.  One of the wonderful things about milestones isn't to gloat in the achievement but to look back with gratitude at the change the Lord is working in my life.  He wants me to be happy.  He wants me to be whole.  He wants me to understand how valuable and special I really am.  He is there.  He is always there.  His hand is always outstretched when I need someone to cling to, to comfort me, to hold my hand and hug me when I am down.  I matter to Him.  I will always matter to Him.  And as long as I remember that, I will always be okay. 

What Does It Really Mean to Love Someone?

Yesterday was Valentine's day.  Normally that would have been an exciting time for me.  For years Valentine's Day meant flowers, dinner, romance and of course, pretty much guaranteed sex.  I mean it was practically an obligation.  Everyone has sex on V-Day.  It's like a right of passage.  I thought that for a long time.  I didn't see anything wrong with it either.  I honestly thought that's what Valentine's Day was all about.  It feels a little hollow to type that all out now. 

I work in retail.  So for the past 7 days I spent huge portions of my life helping people find the right card, flowers and gifts for the one they love.  I saw giddy couples planning their dates and holding hands and walking through the store arm in arm.  It was an entire whirlwind of emotional triggers in a bright red Valentine's package.  It was really hard at at times.  On one level I enjoyed helping people make the holiday special.  But on another level it was one painful reminder after another that the one I love currently has little or no interest in being close to me on that level.  It caused a lot of angst and fear.  I did a pretty good job of surrendering it and discussing it with others but it was so constant and so immediate that it was hard to not get sucked in at times.

Ultimately Valentine's day ended up being pretty okay.  Knowing that Valentine's has been a huge trigger for her over the years, I actually surprised her a week before with some gifts and then got her flowers on Thursday.  I was very cautious to stay away from things that were outwardly "lovey dovey."  No red roses or cards dripping with I love you.  Not because I don't feel that way about my wife but because I am trying very hard to be sensitive to her feelings and triggers so I was trying to balance expressing the depth of my feelings without making things uncomfortable or triggery for her.  I also made a point to put a note in with the card explaining where I was coming from.  I was accountable for the way I acted on Valentine's Day in the past and explained that I was trying to learn from that and do things differently.  I think things turned out pretty well.  She seemed genuinely happy.  It felt good.  We also ended up spending some wonderful family time on Saturday evening.  It wasn't a romantic evening with flowers and soft music and there was zero physical contact of any kind and the whole family was involved not just the 2 of us.  But you know what, it was still pretty awesome. 

It made me reflect a lot about what love really is.  What does it really mean to love someone?  To be in love with someone?  Is it comfort, trust, appreciation, deep friendship,  physical intimacy?  Is it a balance of all of these?  And as I pondered this things I thought to myself, "I'll go find some amazing quote about love and post it and let that be my answer."  But that wouldn't be what I have learned about love.  It wouldn't be from me.  So here is what I believe love is and should be.  What pure and true love should look like.  This is what I want in my relationship.

Love requires understanding.  It means being willing to understand that the other person isn't having a great day but to love them anyway.  It means being willing to accept that they are processing something hard and need space but love them anyway.

Love requires respect.  It means being willing to respect that the other person is feeling things I don't understand and that maybe I even see differently but to love them anyway.  To try to understand their feelings and be sensitive and caring about them.  It means not only respecting her intelligence, her feelings and her ideas but also to respect her body.  It means to teach my children to respect her and to do so by example.  It means being the first one to stand up for her when someone else disrespects her.

Love requires patience.  It means being willing to serve and wait and hope and trust that there is a bright future ahead even if it doesn't feel like it today.  It means respecting boundaries with patience even if you don't understand them or like them a whole lot.  It means trusting the Lord to get both of us where we need to be on His timeline even if His timeline is different from my timeline and her timeline. 

Love requires support.  It means loving and caring about the things that are important to her simply because they are important to her.  Because if they are important to her it means they are part of her very being.  It means I can't truly love her or be in love with her without respecting and caring about things that are important to her.  It means being a support to her emotionally, temporally, physically.

Love requires openness.  Not just honestly about my struggles and fears but also just being open about where I am.  How I am feeling, how my day went.  It means being willing to share about my life with vulnerability and transparency. Trusting that doing so will not make me appear weak but rather will open me up to greater levels of connection and bonding.

Love requires work.  Cute little houses in the country and white picket fences require a lot of hard work.  Life and love are not a destination but a journey.  A journey with detours and wrong turns and lots and lots of potholes.  But it means being willing to not only weather the storm but have fun along the way.  It means being willing to do all the little things, the uncomfortable things, even when I am tired, stressed or just don't want to.  It means being willing to go the distance.

Love is a powerful thing, a hopeful thing, a healing thing.  It is a gift from God.  But it only truly exists when He is involved and at the helm. 

Journal: Choosing Gratitude

I really don't have a lot to say today.  Things are really going pretty well.  The last week has given me so many opportunities to choose gratitude and see the Lord's hand in my life.  I was able to give my son a Priesthood Blessing when he was sick.  That was a wonderful experience.  I could feel the Spirit as I laid my hands on his head and I truly knew that I was able to assist the Lord in blessing my son.  Then on Sunday I was able to sit and peacefully partake of the Sacrament and feel the Atonement wash over me.  I kind of built it up in my mind going in.  That it was going to be this incredible, powerful spiritual experience and the Spirit and the Atonement were going to envelop me and I was going to weep with joy and everyone in the room was going to bear witness of how worthy I was.  But it was actually quite simple and peaceful.  I just sat there silently, head bowed and expressing gratitude to my Savior for making it be possible for me to be worthy and feel worthy and know that it was what I should be doing.

Later I had the opportunity to bear witness and share my testimony of the Atonement.  Then shortly after I sat down I was listening to a young sister bear her testimony.  It was short and very humble.  She shared how not too long ago she didn't know that she was a daughter of God, that she didn't believe she was known to Him.  But she shared briefly her journey and how she had come to know that she is a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father.  And it was then, in hearing and feeling her humble testimony that the Spirit flowed over me and the peace truly set in.  I was so grateful to her for sharing her journey.  It was through her powerful witness and humility that I was able to find the peace that I had hoped for.  It was a powerful example to me of how the Lord often works through others to bless us when we are doing our best to seek after Him.

Things have also been amazing lately between my wife and I.  That doesn't mean things are 'fixed' or that I don't wonder sometimes if we are days, weeks or months away from some of the emotional and physical boundaries loosening up.  I'm human and so I do think about it at times.  But I no longer obsess.  I know that I am doing the things that I need to be doing and if that continues then progress will also continue.  I don't know what that will look like.  If it will be little by little or day by day, or if eventually an emotional dam will burst entirely.  But it honestly doesn't matter.  Because today we spent some amazing time together, we were connected on many levels and we both acknowledged and appreciated that.  I choose to be grateful for what I have today.

I have been doing a daily check-in with a group of recovery friends and the message I sent today was "Today I am choosing to be grateful, I am choosing to trust the Lord and I know that with His help, today can be wonderful."  I really believe that.

I forget sometimes how vital a role righteous agency plays in our lives.  If I choose something righteous and choose to include the Lord in that process, He will bless me.  The Lord wants us to use our agency.  That is why it is so vital a gift.  I think at times in my life I have waited for some sign or Heavenly appearance for the Lord to let me know when the time or circumstances or situation was right.  But all He really wanted was for me to righteously exercise my agency, to make a choice and work for it, to fight for it and when I am willing to do that, then the witness comes, then the blessings come.  I have to choose happiness.  I have to choose gratitude.  And when I choose those righteous endeavors, when I am willing to fight for them and make them a priority in my life, He will always support me.

God is good.  He loves me.  I am His son.  I am worthwhile.  I am valued.  I am true.