Journal: Check-In and Gratitude

It's been a crazy few days. I think this might be the longest I have ever gone without blogging. But after a whirlwind vacation and less than a week to prepare for back to school, life definitely seems to have sped up. Overall things have been very good. I feel like my routine is working and my support system has been a wonderful blessing. Things work when I trust the Lord and do my part. The trick is being humble enough to keep at it even when things seem to be working.

My support list has grown of late and I actually have 8-10 guys that I am texting on a regular basis. We share scriptures, quotes and messages of hope with one another. It is like a shot in the arm of spirituality over and over again throughout the day. It is becoming more and more apparent that not only can I not do this alone, but it works so much better when I have LOTS of help. Not just from the Lord, who is always with me. But also from friends, family and brothers from my support group.

Seeing these blessings in my life has really made me aware of how blessed I am. This past Monday for Family Home Evening, I challenged my family to write lists of what they are grateful for. I had hoped that this would help all of us focus more on what we do have and less on what we don't. I then gave a lesson based upon President Monson's wonderful talk on Gratitude from the October 2010 General Conference. 

There were numerous quotes and scriptures in his talk that touched me but one in particular really jumped out at me;

My brothers and sisters, do we remember to give thanks for the blessings we receive? Sincerely giving thanks not only helps us recognize our blessings, but it also unlocks the doors of heaven and helps us feel God’s love.

I had never thought of gratitude in those terms before.  Being genuinely grateful really is a wonderful way to understand God's love and understand that I truly am a Child of God.  If I recognize that his hand is in my life, that the goodness I have comes from him, it is so much easier to understand how much he loves me.

That isn't to say that gratitude is easy.  It's not.  When the trials of addiction and the whirlwind creates run wild in my life, it is easy to get sucked into "Why me?" mode.  President  Monson even addresses this in his talk;

When we encounter challenges and problems in our lives, it is often difficult for us to focus on our blessings. However, if we reach deep enough and look hard enough, we will be able to feel and recognize just how much we have been given.

What a wonderful reminder.  Words to live by, even when things are not all well.  I am grateful.  I am grateful for my family, for my recovery group, for the gospel.  Most of all I am grateful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  It is through him that true joy reigns, that progress comes and that the ability to overcome all trials in life is a reality.  

Changing My Perspective: The Elephant In The Room

I want to write today on a topic that is very important and very sensitive, but also one that in my opinion is often overlooked in recovery circles. I have been attending LDS ARP meetings for going on 4 years now. The majority of the meetings I have attended are PASG meetings which are specifically for people who struggle with things of a sexual nature. Over the years I have heard powerful testimony shared on topics ranging from how to overcome pornography, inappropriate relationships, same sex attraction and lust. I have seen miracles in the lives of many. Despite all of this, one topic I have rarely heard discussed, is how to rebuild a healthy physical and intimate relationship with a spouse after years of lust, objectification and acting out that often comes with addiction.

Despite my recent period of sobriety and success in recovery, I discovered some time back that it was still very easy to fall back into the same ruts of lust that existed in my relationship with my wife. I think to some extent I had convinced myself that as long as I was clean in all other aspects of my life, that my behavior with her didn't really need to change all that much. We are married, I love her, it's okay... Or is it? After 15 years of marriage it was easy to revert to established patterns. Given that we both struggle with addiction and lust, many of these established patterns are unhealthy. Unfortunately, they have become our normal.

As I reflected on what could be done to change my perspective and the overall way in which I view my wife, I found myself fixating on 'NOT' doing things. This of course, is often an exercise in futility. It is like the exercise with the pink elephant. Have you ever played that game?

Clear your mind for a moment. Ready? Great.

DON'T THINK ABOUT A PINK ELEPHANT!!!

What did you think about? If you are anything like me or many people I have encountered, you probably immediately started thinking about a pink elephant. It's a normal reaction. It is really hard to 'NOT' do things. This is a concept I learned early on in recovery and one that President Packer explains in step 2 of the LDS ARP Guide;

Preoccupation with unworthy behavior can lead to unworthy behavior. That is why we stress so forcefully the study of the doctrines of the gospel.

Spending time focusing on "How can I stop doing this, how can I stop objectifying, how can I stop lusting" almost never works. It never has for me.

Around the same time this was all going on my wife's birthday was rapidly approaching. Knowing that we didn't have much in the way of financial resources I had been thinking of ways to make my wife feel special and loved that wouldn't cost a great deal. Given that I am often an individual that struggles to vocalize my feelings of love and appreciation, I came up with the idea of publicly telling my wife, every single day, via Facebook, how much I love her and what I loved about her. The only two rules; 1. No repeats. 2. Focus as much as possible on talents and attributes, not just physical traits.

It started out small. The first few days were easy and didn't take a great deal of thought on my part. My wife has many talents so I wasn't really having to think much about it. But over time, it got harder. I would think of something wonderful and realize I had said that already. It made me start to really think, to pay attention to what she was doing, how she spends her time and what is important to her. This has now been going on for over 5 weeks. Every day, I have found something wonderful about her and shared it with the world.

As I spent time on this exercise, it slowly, subtly, almost imperceptibly changed how I view my wife. I discovered that when I focused on her positive attributes and talents, I started to view her differently. I found myself focusing almost entirely on what was good and pure about her rather than on anything physical. This led to a light bulb moment a few days ago. I can't change how I view my wife by walking around all the time saying "Don't stare at body parts, don't focus on physical, don't fall back into established patterns of lust". It just didn't work. But when I spent time every single day focusing on her inner light and beauty, my perspective started to change all on it's own.

Now you don't fix 15 years of bad habits in 5 weeks. It will take time to completely eliminate the deep ruts of behavior that have been created. But the first step is to start driving on a new road. It might only be a few feet away from the old road, for now, but it is fresh and new. It is the path to a healthy and loving relationship. It is the path I want to be on.

Missed Opportunities

So vacation is over and work starts anew this morning.  It was wonderful to be away but I am back with renewed energy and motivation.  As I reflect back on the past week though, there was much to be happy about, but also some moments to learn and grow from.  There was one particular experience that has stuck with me the last few day.  I pray often to have opportunities to serve others, to get outside the selfishness and isolation of addiction and lift someone else.  Unfortunately, I have a tendency to form a picture in my head of what these opportunities will look like, which can lead to missing the chances The Lord does provide.

Wednesday night, we had spent a long hot day at Disneyland with our kids.  We arrived back to the hotel late, worn out and hungry.  We had eaten an early dinner and then expended a great deal more energy walking.  The boys were begging for a snack and my wife and I were hungry as well so I offered to drive off in search of something to tide us over while she got everyone else ready for bed.  My 9 year old tagged along and we were off on our adventure.

I found a Burger King drive thru without too much difficulty and placed our order.  During this process I kept hearing a clicking sound nearby.  It was quite dark though so I was unable to determine where it was coming from.  After retrieving our order I pulled away from the window and headed back to the main road.  Right as I was about to exit the parking lot, I saw a man wave me down.  He had a pair of jumper cables in his hand and was motioning towards a jeep.  I instantly knew that this was the sound of the clicking noise I had heard.  His car wouldn't start and he was in dire need of a jump start.

As soon as I saw him my mind was filled with justifications. It's, late and I am in an unfamiliar environment, I have my 9 year old with me, my tired and worn out family is waiting on this food. So without pausing to consider the situation from the stranded man's point of view, I looked the other way to avoid making eye contact and drove away.

Shortly after this experience, I got lost trying to find our hotel. The Angels baseball game had just gotten over and so traffic was diverted and detoured away from the routes I was familiar with. I activated our navigation system only to have it lead me on a wild goose chase. It took close to 45 minutes to make the short drive back to our hotel. Far longer than it would have taken me to stop and help the man in need.

When I finally got back, I was angry and frustrated. I blamed circumstances, the car navigation, and my family for asking me to leave the hotel in the first place. I was selfish and whiny. I went to bed that night restless and full of guilt. Deep down I knew why the evening had gone so poorly.

In the days since, I have had much opportunity for reflection. I firmly believe that the failed navigation and adventure on the way home was chastisement and karma. What was asked of me was small, but I wasn't willing to make even a minor sacrifice. It would have taken 5 minutes to stop, pop the hood and attach jumper cables. I have no idea the man's situation. Perhaps there was a wife and or children in the car. Perhaps he was far from home and just as uncomfortable to be out late in a strange neighborhood as I was. Ultimately though, I will never know because I wasn't willing to put my own needs aside for 10 minutes.

When I pray, I often get an idea in my head of what the answers will look like. Sometimes my pride gets in the way of what The Lord is trying to do. I am grateful that I was given this opportunity to learn from my mistakes and grow. I hope that next time, I will extend my hand to another child of God who needs my help.

Milestones

We are leaving this morning on family vacation but I woke up to very happy news.  Today is 6 months clean!

God is good and it is through him that success comes!

See you in a week!

Tim

What is Hope?

I have a ton of thoughts bouncing around my head right now and I feel like I need to get some of them down on paper.  I have been thinking a lot lately about hope.  What is hope?  What does it mean, and how can it influence my life?  How does it lead to faith and charity and improve my life?

For much of my life, I thought that hope meant to wish for better things.  To hope that my life would work out the way I wanted.  To hope for a favorite sports team to win or that my family would get the things they wanted in life.  Now, I am not sure that is really the essence of hope.  That is not to say that those things are bad or unhealthy.  Everyone has feelings like that, wishes for better things and happier days.  I think it is a normal part of being human. 

Lately though, I have had to re-evaluate what it means to really have hope.  I have been reading Conquering Your Own Goliaths, by Steven A. Cramer.  It is a powerful book and one that has been life-changing for me.  Early on in the reading there is a quote that he shares that comes from President Benson given during a talk at General Conference in October of 1983 entitled; Jesus Christ; Our Savior and Redeemer.  The quote truly defines what real hope means and where it comes from;

Only Jesus Christ is uniquely qualified to provide that hope, that confidence, and that strength to overcome the world and rise above our human failings.

What a powerful concept.  True hope only comes from Jesus Christ.  His example, his sacrifice, his willingness to ALWAYS be there when needed.  That is where all hope stems from.  Whether it be addiction, shattered relationships, sickness, anxiety or depression.  He is the way and the source of all true hope.  Hope is so much more than just positive vibes or feelings.  Hope is powerful, it is life altering.  

Brother Cramer drives this concept home a few pages later in Conquering Your Own Goliaths when he shares the following;

It doesn't matter how we got to where we are.  The way out remains the same:  Jesus Christ-- for he is the Way.  And we don't have to have all the answers when we know the One who is the Answer.

I think for me, part of the reason it can be so hard to wrap my brain around this concept is that it almost seems too good to be true.  Too simple and easy.  All through life we are taught to be self reliant and work hard and be all that we can.  So to think that no matter the problem, the solution is to surrender it to Him, trust Him, and have hope in Him and that is the solution.  Its hard to believe.  For whatever reason, sometimes it makes more sense to beat my head against a brick wall than to simply be humble and surrender my fears to the Lord.  Sadly, all that leads to is more pain in the form of a headache.

President Uchtdorf summed it up perfectly as only he can in his amazing message given in October of 2008, The Infinite Power of Hope;

We hope in Jesus the Christ, in the goodness of God, in the manifestations of the Holy Spirit, in the knowledge that prayers are heard and answered. Because God has been faithful and kept His promises in the past, we can hope with confidence that God will keep His promises to us in the present and in the future. In times of distress, we can hold tightly to the hope that things will “work together for [our] good” as we follow the counsel of God’s prophets. This type of hope in God, His goodness, and His power refreshes us with courage during difficult challenges and gives strength to those who feel threatened by enclosing walls of fear, doubt, and despair.

This is the true meaning and power of hope.  Believing, trusting, knowing, that no matter my circumstances, how I got here, why I got here or how far I am from where I want to be, the answer is still the same.  The Atonement happened for me.  It happened because I was destined to make mistakes, to fall down and not know how to get back up.  It happened because he loves ME and wants me to overcome and be happy.  No matter the problem, the trial or the pain, He is the answer.  

In closing I want to turn once again to President Uchtdorf and share probably my favorite quote of all time.  One that has lifted my spirit more times than I could possibly explain;

And to all who suffer—to all who feel discouraged, worried, or lonely—I say with love and deep concern for you, never give in. Never surrender. Never allow despair to overcome your spirit.  Embrace and rely upon the Hope of Israel, for the love of the Son of God pierces all darkness, softens all sorrow, and gladdens every heart.

Even when everything else in life seems to be crashing down around me, there is hope.  Hope in Him.  Hope that I can bear this, that there is joy on the other side, that if I have enough faith and hope that happiness is available to me even during periods of trial and stress.  His love surpasses all and is the source of true joy.