Changing My Perspective: The Elephant In The Room

I want to write today on a topic that is very important and very sensitive, but also one that in my opinion is often overlooked in recovery circles. I have been attending LDS ARP meetings for going on 4 years now. The majority of the meetings I have attended are PASG meetings which are specifically for people who struggle with things of a sexual nature. Over the years I have heard powerful testimony shared on topics ranging from how to overcome pornography, inappropriate relationships, same sex attraction and lust. I have seen miracles in the lives of many. Despite all of this, one topic I have rarely heard discussed, is how to rebuild a healthy physical and intimate relationship with a spouse after years of lust, objectification and acting out that often comes with addiction.

Despite my recent period of sobriety and success in recovery, I discovered some time back that it was still very easy to fall back into the same ruts of lust that existed in my relationship with my wife. I think to some extent I had convinced myself that as long as I was clean in all other aspects of my life, that my behavior with her didn't really need to change all that much. We are married, I love her, it's okay... Or is it? After 15 years of marriage it was easy to revert to established patterns. Given that we both struggle with addiction and lust, many of these established patterns are unhealthy. Unfortunately, they have become our normal.

As I reflected on what could be done to change my perspective and the overall way in which I view my wife, I found myself fixating on 'NOT' doing things. This of course, is often an exercise in futility. It is like the exercise with the pink elephant. Have you ever played that game?

Clear your mind for a moment. Ready? Great.

DON'T THINK ABOUT A PINK ELEPHANT!!!

What did you think about? If you are anything like me or many people I have encountered, you probably immediately started thinking about a pink elephant. It's a normal reaction. It is really hard to 'NOT' do things. This is a concept I learned early on in recovery and one that President Packer explains in step 2 of the LDS ARP Guide;

Preoccupation with unworthy behavior can lead to unworthy behavior. That is why we stress so forcefully the study of the doctrines of the gospel.

Spending time focusing on "How can I stop doing this, how can I stop objectifying, how can I stop lusting" almost never works. It never has for me.

Around the same time this was all going on my wife's birthday was rapidly approaching. Knowing that we didn't have much in the way of financial resources I had been thinking of ways to make my wife feel special and loved that wouldn't cost a great deal. Given that I am often an individual that struggles to vocalize my feelings of love and appreciation, I came up with the idea of publicly telling my wife, every single day, via Facebook, how much I love her and what I loved about her. The only two rules; 1. No repeats. 2. Focus as much as possible on talents and attributes, not just physical traits.

It started out small. The first few days were easy and didn't take a great deal of thought on my part. My wife has many talents so I wasn't really having to think much about it. But over time, it got harder. I would think of something wonderful and realize I had said that already. It made me start to really think, to pay attention to what she was doing, how she spends her time and what is important to her. This has now been going on for over 5 weeks. Every day, I have found something wonderful about her and shared it with the world.

As I spent time on this exercise, it slowly, subtly, almost imperceptibly changed how I view my wife. I discovered that when I focused on her positive attributes and talents, I started to view her differently. I found myself focusing almost entirely on what was good and pure about her rather than on anything physical. This led to a light bulb moment a few days ago. I can't change how I view my wife by walking around all the time saying "Don't stare at body parts, don't focus on physical, don't fall back into established patterns of lust". It just didn't work. But when I spent time every single day focusing on her inner light and beauty, my perspective started to change all on it's own.

Now you don't fix 15 years of bad habits in 5 weeks. It will take time to completely eliminate the deep ruts of behavior that have been created. But the first step is to start driving on a new road. It might only be a few feet away from the old road, for now, but it is fresh and new. It is the path to a healthy and loving relationship. It is the path I want to be on.