Red Flags: Selfishness

I have been thinking a lot lately about what to share and not a lot has been coming to me.  Then over this past weekend I had an experience that I not only wanted to share here, but gave me a great idea for a regular feature.  I am going to call this concept, 'Red Flags'.  More time in recovery doesn't mean perfection, or being cured, or having it made, but it has helped me to be a little better at recognizing the storms that are headed my way.  These storms or red flags are the signs that I am headed towards danger if I don't correct my course and make changes. 

One of my biggest red flags is selfishness.  The addict in me believes that everything revolves around me.  It looks at life situations and events not in terms of what they meant or were really about, but rather how they affect ME.  My needs, my satisfaction and my comfort were the main priorities in my life.  Donating time, energy or resources to anyone else was done begrudgingly or not at all.  If it is going to inconvenience me, frustrate me, cause me to do more than I feel I should have to do, then I'm not interested. Recognizing this behavior and becoming more willing to serve and get outside myself has been a huge part of my recovery success. When I succeed in putting others first, being charitable and patient, I am rarely stuck in addictive behaviors. The trick is recognizing these moments before they spiral out of control.

This past week I found myself mired in selfishness. My wife has a trip planned for the first week of October. She wanted to set some money aside so that she can have a good time on her adventure. In order to accomplish this, she volunteered to pick up some extra shifts at work 4 nights last week. It meant that she would be gone most of the evening, 4 consecutive nights, leaving me home with the kids to deal with homework, dinner, housework and day to day responsibilities. When she first mentioned it I was supportive and appreciative that she was willing to work so many extra hours so that her trip wouldn't affect the family budget. My goodwill didn't last long.

The first couple days went fairly smoothly, I would come home from work and pick up the house before my older boys got home from school. I would give them chores to help keep things somewhat in order and did my best to stay on top of things. By the third day however, frustration had set in. It wasn't fair! I was having to do everything, and the more energy I expended thinking about how unfair it was, the more frustrated I got. By Friday, her last day of double shifts, I had completely given up. I made no attempt to pick up the house, rotate laundry or reign in the kids. It wasn't my fault. She was the one choosing to be gone so much and leaving me to take care of everything. Right?

Saturday morning I got my wake up call. Saturday is my least favorite day of the week. I typically work a double and in addition, it is the busiest day of the week at both jobs. I dread it when it comes. That morning at work as I pondered the day ahead of me a thought popped into my head. "You know how much you hate Saturdays? Well your wife just worked 4 strait double shifts and you didn't really do much to support her. On top of that the house is a train wreck so instead of resting and recovering today it will take her all day to clean." Immediately a wave of recognition flowed over me. I had been living in selfishness. I also recognized that in feeding on this selfishness it had affected many other aspects of my recovery. My dailies had been sub-par, I hadn't reached out as much as I normally do and my prayers were hurried and repetitive.

I immediately said a small prayer in my heart and the first thought that popped into my head was; Step 1:Honesty. I need to be honest about my actions. I pulled out my phone and sent a text apologizing to my wife. I explained that I recognized I had been selfish, that I was sorry and offered to help out with tasks around the house when I got home. It was a great first step, but it was only the first step. I pondered what more I could do. I rushed home between jobs to change only to find that the house was still in shambles and she was gone at a church function.

Realizing that I had about 40 minutes before I needed to leave to start my other job, I immediately went to work. I organized the kids and started cleaning frantically. I was able to clean the entire upstairs, vacuum everything and get everything in order. I rushed out the door to work again to finish my double. But you know what? It felt amazing. It was such a wonderful thing to get outside myself, my own concerns and struggles and just put someone else first. It completely changed my outlook and got me out of my rut.

Recognizing my red flags as they come is a huge part of my recovery effort. I am human. I still do stupid things all the time. Living in recovery doesn't make me perfect. It never has and it never will. What it has helped me do is recognize these red flags as they come so that hopefully I can get out of the toxic behavior before it leads me slowly back down the path to Satan's grasp. I am grateful that I was able to see it coming this past weekend, and I hope that I can continue to learn and grow.