My jumble of thoughts about patience.

I figured it was time to get back on the horse. I enjoyed some extra time off during the holiday window and it was wonderful. I actually had 2 consecutive weeks with 2 full days off, which to many of you might seem like a normal week, but I typically work at least 6 and occasionally 7 days a week. So it was a nice break.

I feel like my thoughts are really jumbled right now. I have really been struggling lately with patience. As I continue to build more sobriety, and I just passed the 11 month mark, there is a selfish part of me that just wants things "fixed". Fixed, in my selfish mind would mean a return somehow the way things were before. Trust, stability, financial security etc. I realize that isn't how things work and I realize that the Lord has other things in store for me. I know that I shouldn't waste energy looking back, but I'm human and some days I get stuck there.

One of the scariest places to be is in "what-if land". What if I hadn't done this, where would my life be today? What if this trial were just magically taken from me? What if the trust and respect of those I wronged could just be instantly restored. Wouldn't life be grand? It is a scary place. One that I don't want to spend too much time. I hope that by being open and honest about it that it will help to get me unstuck.

One thing that gives me hope and perspective is something that was shared with me by a good friend right after my last relapse. He could tell that I was in a bad place and so he opened his LDS ARP manual and flipped to a page and showed me a quote. It is at the very end of the action steps portion of Step 9 and it says simply;

"Give others time to realize that this time is different. This time you are not making empty promises; you are living to receive s complete remission of your addiction and character weaknesses. Eventually abstinence and changed behavior will speak for themselves."

I think this quote can apply to circumstances as well as relationships. It just takes time. One thing I often have to remind myself is that I struggled with my addiction for over 25 years, the affects of it can't be completely undone after a few months of change. Patience and trust in the Lord really is a big part of the process. Trusting not only that he can change me, but trusting his timeline and trusting that there are lessons and growth opportunities along the way.

In closing I just wanted to share one of my all-time favorite quotes from President Utchdorf. It definitely applies to my current circumstances and hopefully it will bring light to some of you as well;

So often we get caught up in the illusion that there is something just beyond our reach that would bring us happiness: a better family situation, a better financial situation, or the end of a challenging trial. The older we get, the more we look back and realize that the external circumstances don't really matter or determine our happiness. We do matter. We determine our happiness. - Dieter F. Uchtdorf (Of Regrets and Resolutions, Oct. 2012)

Thanks for listening!

~~~ Tim