Sharing Light With The World

Over the past few weeks I have been blessed to have the opportunity to help my wife edit and proofread a book she is writing to share her story with the world.  As I would read each chapter, I would feel the spirit, every single time.  Even though I was already familiar with her story and in many cases had lived it with her, I couldn't help but be touched by the honesty, truth and hope.

I also recently finished reading Conquering Your Own Goliaths by Stephen A. Cramer.  Brother Cramer is also a recovering sex addict who was stuck at the depths and then found the Savior and was filled with hope.  Once again, as I read his story and the stories of others he shares, I was filled with light and hope.

It is much the same when I read the various addiction blogs and articles online.  There is just so much power and hope is seeing others walk the same path that I walk and seeing their successes, their stumbles and their willingness to keep getting up.

I have been thinking a lot about this over the past few days and why it is important.  The conclusion I have come to is that addiction teaches isolation.  It teaches me to hide, to be afraid, that I am the worst.  Satan is terrified of solidarity, of friendship, of love and support.  He knows the power in sharing with each other and sharing one another's burdens.  I am reminded of the baptismal covenant from Mosiah Chapter 18: 8-9;

8 And it came to pass that he said unto them: Behold, here are the waters of Mormon (for thus were they called) and now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;

9 Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the first resurrection, that ye may have eternal life—


I can't think of any better way to 'mourn with those who mourn' than by being there with hand extended to a friend stuck in addiction and being willing to say; "I understand. I have been there. Share some of my strength while the Lord replenishes yours".

I am particularly touched by the line 'to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things and in all places'. Being open about addiction is hard. But even a willingness to be a witness on a blog, or in a recovery meeting or with a trusted family member or friend, brings so much power and inspiration. Not to mention by doing it, I am living up to my baptismal covenants!

I am so grateful for those who have gone before me and been willing to share their light. If no one ever stood up and shared their testimony and said 'This is who I am and my Savior loves me anyway' we might all still be stuck thinking we are alone. But we aren't alone! We have the companionship of a loving Savior and the examples of so many who have walked this path and been brave enough to share their light with me and for that I am grateful.

Journal: Check-In and Gratitude

It's been a crazy few days. I think this might be the longest I have ever gone without blogging. But after a whirlwind vacation and less than a week to prepare for back to school, life definitely seems to have sped up. Overall things have been very good. I feel like my routine is working and my support system has been a wonderful blessing. Things work when I trust the Lord and do my part. The trick is being humble enough to keep at it even when things seem to be working.

My support list has grown of late and I actually have 8-10 guys that I am texting on a regular basis. We share scriptures, quotes and messages of hope with one another. It is like a shot in the arm of spirituality over and over again throughout the day. It is becoming more and more apparent that not only can I not do this alone, but it works so much better when I have LOTS of help. Not just from the Lord, who is always with me. But also from friends, family and brothers from my support group.

Seeing these blessings in my life has really made me aware of how blessed I am. This past Monday for Family Home Evening, I challenged my family to write lists of what they are grateful for. I had hoped that this would help all of us focus more on what we do have and less on what we don't. I then gave a lesson based upon President Monson's wonderful talk on Gratitude from the October 2010 General Conference. 

There were numerous quotes and scriptures in his talk that touched me but one in particular really jumped out at me;

My brothers and sisters, do we remember to give thanks for the blessings we receive? Sincerely giving thanks not only helps us recognize our blessings, but it also unlocks the doors of heaven and helps us feel God’s love.

I had never thought of gratitude in those terms before.  Being genuinely grateful really is a wonderful way to understand God's love and understand that I truly am a Child of God.  If I recognize that his hand is in my life, that the goodness I have comes from him, it is so much easier to understand how much he loves me.

That isn't to say that gratitude is easy.  It's not.  When the trials of addiction and the whirlwind creates run wild in my life, it is easy to get sucked into "Why me?" mode.  President  Monson even addresses this in his talk;

When we encounter challenges and problems in our lives, it is often difficult for us to focus on our blessings. However, if we reach deep enough and look hard enough, we will be able to feel and recognize just how much we have been given.

What a wonderful reminder.  Words to live by, even when things are not all well.  I am grateful.  I am grateful for my family, for my recovery group, for the gospel.  Most of all I am grateful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  It is through him that true joy reigns, that progress comes and that the ability to overcome all trials in life is a reality.  

Changing My Perspective: The Elephant In The Room

I want to write today on a topic that is very important and very sensitive, but also one that in my opinion is often overlooked in recovery circles. I have been attending LDS ARP meetings for going on 4 years now. The majority of the meetings I have attended are PASG meetings which are specifically for people who struggle with things of a sexual nature. Over the years I have heard powerful testimony shared on topics ranging from how to overcome pornography, inappropriate relationships, same sex attraction and lust. I have seen miracles in the lives of many. Despite all of this, one topic I have rarely heard discussed, is how to rebuild a healthy physical and intimate relationship with a spouse after years of lust, objectification and acting out that often comes with addiction.

Despite my recent period of sobriety and success in recovery, I discovered some time back that it was still very easy to fall back into the same ruts of lust that existed in my relationship with my wife. I think to some extent I had convinced myself that as long as I was clean in all other aspects of my life, that my behavior with her didn't really need to change all that much. We are married, I love her, it's okay... Or is it? After 15 years of marriage it was easy to revert to established patterns. Given that we both struggle with addiction and lust, many of these established patterns are unhealthy. Unfortunately, they have become our normal.

As I reflected on what could be done to change my perspective and the overall way in which I view my wife, I found myself fixating on 'NOT' doing things. This of course, is often an exercise in futility. It is like the exercise with the pink elephant. Have you ever played that game?

Clear your mind for a moment. Ready? Great.

DON'T THINK ABOUT A PINK ELEPHANT!!!

What did you think about? If you are anything like me or many people I have encountered, you probably immediately started thinking about a pink elephant. It's a normal reaction. It is really hard to 'NOT' do things. This is a concept I learned early on in recovery and one that President Packer explains in step 2 of the LDS ARP Guide;

Preoccupation with unworthy behavior can lead to unworthy behavior. That is why we stress so forcefully the study of the doctrines of the gospel.

Spending time focusing on "How can I stop doing this, how can I stop objectifying, how can I stop lusting" almost never works. It never has for me.

Around the same time this was all going on my wife's birthday was rapidly approaching. Knowing that we didn't have much in the way of financial resources I had been thinking of ways to make my wife feel special and loved that wouldn't cost a great deal. Given that I am often an individual that struggles to vocalize my feelings of love and appreciation, I came up with the idea of publicly telling my wife, every single day, via Facebook, how much I love her and what I loved about her. The only two rules; 1. No repeats. 2. Focus as much as possible on talents and attributes, not just physical traits.

It started out small. The first few days were easy and didn't take a great deal of thought on my part. My wife has many talents so I wasn't really having to think much about it. But over time, it got harder. I would think of something wonderful and realize I had said that already. It made me start to really think, to pay attention to what she was doing, how she spends her time and what is important to her. This has now been going on for over 5 weeks. Every day, I have found something wonderful about her and shared it with the world.

As I spent time on this exercise, it slowly, subtly, almost imperceptibly changed how I view my wife. I discovered that when I focused on her positive attributes and talents, I started to view her differently. I found myself focusing almost entirely on what was good and pure about her rather than on anything physical. This led to a light bulb moment a few days ago. I can't change how I view my wife by walking around all the time saying "Don't stare at body parts, don't focus on physical, don't fall back into established patterns of lust". It just didn't work. But when I spent time every single day focusing on her inner light and beauty, my perspective started to change all on it's own.

Now you don't fix 15 years of bad habits in 5 weeks. It will take time to completely eliminate the deep ruts of behavior that have been created. But the first step is to start driving on a new road. It might only be a few feet away from the old road, for now, but it is fresh and new. It is the path to a healthy and loving relationship. It is the path I want to be on.

Missed Opportunities

So vacation is over and work starts anew this morning.  It was wonderful to be away but I am back with renewed energy and motivation.  As I reflect back on the past week though, there was much to be happy about, but also some moments to learn and grow from.  There was one particular experience that has stuck with me the last few day.  I pray often to have opportunities to serve others, to get outside the selfishness and isolation of addiction and lift someone else.  Unfortunately, I have a tendency to form a picture in my head of what these opportunities will look like, which can lead to missing the chances The Lord does provide.

Wednesday night, we had spent a long hot day at Disneyland with our kids.  We arrived back to the hotel late, worn out and hungry.  We had eaten an early dinner and then expended a great deal more energy walking.  The boys were begging for a snack and my wife and I were hungry as well so I offered to drive off in search of something to tide us over while she got everyone else ready for bed.  My 9 year old tagged along and we were off on our adventure.

I found a Burger King drive thru without too much difficulty and placed our order.  During this process I kept hearing a clicking sound nearby.  It was quite dark though so I was unable to determine where it was coming from.  After retrieving our order I pulled away from the window and headed back to the main road.  Right as I was about to exit the parking lot, I saw a man wave me down.  He had a pair of jumper cables in his hand and was motioning towards a jeep.  I instantly knew that this was the sound of the clicking noise I had heard.  His car wouldn't start and he was in dire need of a jump start.

As soon as I saw him my mind was filled with justifications. It's, late and I am in an unfamiliar environment, I have my 9 year old with me, my tired and worn out family is waiting on this food. So without pausing to consider the situation from the stranded man's point of view, I looked the other way to avoid making eye contact and drove away.

Shortly after this experience, I got lost trying to find our hotel. The Angels baseball game had just gotten over and so traffic was diverted and detoured away from the routes I was familiar with. I activated our navigation system only to have it lead me on a wild goose chase. It took close to 45 minutes to make the short drive back to our hotel. Far longer than it would have taken me to stop and help the man in need.

When I finally got back, I was angry and frustrated. I blamed circumstances, the car navigation, and my family for asking me to leave the hotel in the first place. I was selfish and whiny. I went to bed that night restless and full of guilt. Deep down I knew why the evening had gone so poorly.

In the days since, I have had much opportunity for reflection. I firmly believe that the failed navigation and adventure on the way home was chastisement and karma. What was asked of me was small, but I wasn't willing to make even a minor sacrifice. It would have taken 5 minutes to stop, pop the hood and attach jumper cables. I have no idea the man's situation. Perhaps there was a wife and or children in the car. Perhaps he was far from home and just as uncomfortable to be out late in a strange neighborhood as I was. Ultimately though, I will never know because I wasn't willing to put my own needs aside for 10 minutes.

When I pray, I often get an idea in my head of what the answers will look like. Sometimes my pride gets in the way of what The Lord is trying to do. I am grateful that I was given this opportunity to learn from my mistakes and grow. I hope that next time, I will extend my hand to another child of God who needs my help.

Milestones

We are leaving this morning on family vacation but I woke up to very happy news.  Today is 6 months clean!

God is good and it is through him that success comes!

See you in a week!

Tim

What is Hope?

I have a ton of thoughts bouncing around my head right now and I feel like I need to get some of them down on paper.  I have been thinking a lot lately about hope.  What is hope?  What does it mean, and how can it influence my life?  How does it lead to faith and charity and improve my life?

For much of my life, I thought that hope meant to wish for better things.  To hope that my life would work out the way I wanted.  To hope for a favorite sports team to win or that my family would get the things they wanted in life.  Now, I am not sure that is really the essence of hope.  That is not to say that those things are bad or unhealthy.  Everyone has feelings like that, wishes for better things and happier days.  I think it is a normal part of being human. 

Lately though, I have had to re-evaluate what it means to really have hope.  I have been reading Conquering Your Own Goliaths, by Steven A. Cramer.  It is a powerful book and one that has been life-changing for me.  Early on in the reading there is a quote that he shares that comes from President Benson given during a talk at General Conference in October of 1983 entitled; Jesus Christ; Our Savior and Redeemer.  The quote truly defines what real hope means and where it comes from;

Only Jesus Christ is uniquely qualified to provide that hope, that confidence, and that strength to overcome the world and rise above our human failings.

What a powerful concept.  True hope only comes from Jesus Christ.  His example, his sacrifice, his willingness to ALWAYS be there when needed.  That is where all hope stems from.  Whether it be addiction, shattered relationships, sickness, anxiety or depression.  He is the way and the source of all true hope.  Hope is so much more than just positive vibes or feelings.  Hope is powerful, it is life altering.  

Brother Cramer drives this concept home a few pages later in Conquering Your Own Goliaths when he shares the following;

It doesn't matter how we got to where we are.  The way out remains the same:  Jesus Christ-- for he is the Way.  And we don't have to have all the answers when we know the One who is the Answer.

I think for me, part of the reason it can be so hard to wrap my brain around this concept is that it almost seems too good to be true.  Too simple and easy.  All through life we are taught to be self reliant and work hard and be all that we can.  So to think that no matter the problem, the solution is to surrender it to Him, trust Him, and have hope in Him and that is the solution.  Its hard to believe.  For whatever reason, sometimes it makes more sense to beat my head against a brick wall than to simply be humble and surrender my fears to the Lord.  Sadly, all that leads to is more pain in the form of a headache.

President Uchtdorf summed it up perfectly as only he can in his amazing message given in October of 2008, The Infinite Power of Hope;

We hope in Jesus the Christ, in the goodness of God, in the manifestations of the Holy Spirit, in the knowledge that prayers are heard and answered. Because God has been faithful and kept His promises in the past, we can hope with confidence that God will keep His promises to us in the present and in the future. In times of distress, we can hold tightly to the hope that things will “work together for [our] good” as we follow the counsel of God’s prophets. This type of hope in God, His goodness, and His power refreshes us with courage during difficult challenges and gives strength to those who feel threatened by enclosing walls of fear, doubt, and despair.

This is the true meaning and power of hope.  Believing, trusting, knowing, that no matter my circumstances, how I got here, why I got here or how far I am from where I want to be, the answer is still the same.  The Atonement happened for me.  It happened because I was destined to make mistakes, to fall down and not know how to get back up.  It happened because he loves ME and wants me to overcome and be happy.  No matter the problem, the trial or the pain, He is the answer.  

In closing I want to turn once again to President Uchtdorf and share probably my favorite quote of all time.  One that has lifted my spirit more times than I could possibly explain;

And to all who suffer—to all who feel discouraged, worried, or lonely—I say with love and deep concern for you, never give in. Never surrender. Never allow despair to overcome your spirit.  Embrace and rely upon the Hope of Israel, for the love of the Son of God pierces all darkness, softens all sorrow, and gladdens every heart.

Even when everything else in life seems to be crashing down around me, there is hope.  Hope in Him.  Hope that I can bear this, that there is joy on the other side, that if I have enough faith and hope that happiness is available to me even during periods of trial and stress.  His love surpasses all and is the source of true joy.  

Divine Daughters Of God

So the past 2 weeks have been difficult and yet wonderful.  I have really felt close to my Savior, and to my family.  I have felt like recovery has been a huge part of my life.  It feels like progress but that does not mean that everything has been perfect.

This past Saturday, I was having a bit of a tough day.  I overslept and had to rush out the door to work.  I didn't get a shower and I didn't have time for morning study.  On top of that, Saturday is always a double for me at work.  In between my 2 shifts, I was home for a few minutes and I was a grump.  My wife recognized it and sent me a text asking what was going on.  Prior to her gentle nudge I hadn't even really recognized it myself, but I instantly knew.  I hadn't built up my armor to get me through the day and I was suffering as a result.

A bit later, I made time at work to do some study.  I said a silent prayer asking the Lord to soften my heart and help me release the stress I was feeling and to help me have a good outlook.  I then pulled out my phone opened the LDS Gospel Library App and silently asked to be guided to something that would change my attitude.  I found myself in the General Conference Section and ended up finding a talk given by President Hinckley in October of 2004.  It was titled The Women In Our Lives.  He talks extensively about the relationship with his wife, with his daughters and then spends some time talking about the divine nature of women in general.  One particular quote just grabbed my attention;

"And so Eve became God’s final creation, the grand summation of all of the marvelous work that had gone before".

I have read and studied the Creation story many times in my life, but never had I made that connection.  Eve, and womanhood in general, was not simply part of the Creation.  Rather, she was the crown jewel of the creative process.  As President Hinckley puts it; "the grand summation".  Given that these words come from a beloved Prophet of God, I think we can draw some rather simple conclusions about how much Heavenly Father loves his daughters.   How he views them and wants them to be treated.  

President Hinckley later shares that when we shatter their trust and hurt his daughters, we are directly hurting God through our actions; 

"Every woman is a daughter of God. You cannot offend her without offending Him".

As someone who struggles with addiction and lust, these words bored into my very soul.  To think that every woman who was ever objectified, lusted after, and degraded was a beautiful daughter of God and to imagine the pain this caused him to watch the crown jewel of his creation be treated this way.  It was a wake up call.  It was hard to read, but the Spirit testified to me of the truthfulness.   

President Hinckley does go on to give words of hope in his message.  He explains that relationships with those we have mistreated can be healed.  He speaks specifically to the marriage relationship but I think his words can apply to my relationship with any daughter of God that my actions or behavior has harmed or offended;

"The cure for most marital troubles does not lie in divorce. It lies in repentance and forgiveness, in expressions of kindness and concern. It is to be found in application of the Golden Rule".

Repentance, forgiveness and the Golden Rule. It starts with me. It starts with truly seeing women as daughters of God and treating them as such. Throughout the last few days as I encountered women in public, anytime I encountered a woman and my thoughts or actions were even remotely out of line I would whisper in my mind. "She is a daughter of God. See her as He sees her. See her divine potential, not her physical attributes." I was amazed when I did this how quickly my mindset changed. It was a small thing but one with the potential for great change.

Finally, today I had another 'ah-ha' moment that helped me to truly understand this concept. I keep a picture of my beautiful wife as the background image on my smart phone. It is a constant reminder to me of how lucky I am. From time to time I will change the picture to different image of her. My wife loves pictures so I am never lacking for good ones to choose from. So today, I began scrolling through my phone and the images she has uploaded to Facebook to find a new background for my phone. As I scrolled through I noticed something remarkable about all of her pictures. She was absolutely glowing.

Now part of this is because she is a very beautiful woman, but there was more to it. It was almost as if I could see into her very soul. In the moment I didn't really understand it but later as I was pondering it, I felt a prompting that I was seeing her true nature. This glow was her Spirit, her divine potential. She IS a daughter of God with the blessings, power and love that come along with it.

This is currently my favorite picture of her. She absolutely glows. It is beauty, but more importantly it is divinity. The same divinity that all women share as the crowning jewel of God's creation. It is high time I treated them as such.