Journal: The Holiday whirlwind and a recommitment.

It feels like the last 3 weeks have flown by with record speed. Between the holidays, and working 2 different jobs in retail plus getting ready for some possible life changes, I have struggled at times to catch my breath. My recovery efforts have definitely suffered. That is not to say that I have fallen off the wagon or slipped, but I could definitely be doing more than I have. Christmas was wonderful and it has been great to spend some time with my family but it is time to get back to work.

Things haven't been all bad, though. I am progressing well with Step 9 and have had some wonderful opportunities to apologize and make amends for past mistakes. From a distance, Step 9 always seemed horrifying, but after working the prior steps to prepare for the process, things have gone well. It is freeing to be able to just say; "Hey, I'm really sorry for the way I treated you, it was wrong and I recognize that." Due to the fact that I have been open about my recovery story and process, the vast majority of my friends and family know that I am working a 12 Step program, but I have tried hard to not use that as a crutch when making amends. It has made the conversations a lot easier, though. Just one more plug for openness making the entire process simpler once I broke down the barrier of fear and shame.

Ultimately though, I know that if I don't get back on track, I will start to plateau. Recovery is a program of action and it just doesn't work to stand still. Eventually if I am not moving forward, I will start to move backwards. So I am here today to be accountable, and to recommit to doing all the little things that I need to do. One of those things is using this space to be open and honest about my efforts. Both when things are good, and when they aren't.

So I am committing to blog more, to share more, to connect more and to get back into the healthy routines that have helped me move forward in the past.

I am looking forward to 2014. 2013 was filled with growth and pain, but there is something extremely exciting about a new year, a sober year, one day at a time.

~~~ Tim

Choosing to Build and Nurture Faith

Things have been a bit of an adventure lately. It seems like every year around the holidays, things tend to get stressful and crazy. Inevitably, something goes wrong with our car. We struggle to manage the budget to try to provide a nice Christmas for our own family while also trying to find a way to donate and help out those less fortunate. Its a wonderful time of year, but also a busy, stressful and sometimes very trigger filled time.

The last few weeks have been pretty up and down for me. I have been really great at times, but also vulnerable and needy at times. Given the nature of the financial stress created by my last major relapse, I have really wanted to try to make Christmas wonderful for my family to help make up for the struggles of the last year. Focusing time and energy on this has definitely affected my recovery efforts at times.

Sunday morning I ran across a talk in my dailies that really gave me some perspective so I wanted to share some thoughts here.

The talk is titled; Faith---the Choice is Yours, by Richard C. Edgley. He talks at length about the power of faith, and how it can move mountains, both physical, emotional and spiritual. Early on in his message, he shared something that really hit me;

Because of the conflicts and challenges we face in today’s world, I wish to suggest a single choice—a choice of peace and protection and a choice that is appropriate for all. That choice is faith.

I absolutely love that he teaches that faith is a choice! It is so easy at times to think, "Oh man, if only I had faith as the Brother of Jared..." But the thing is, faith is something we choose, feed, nurture and help to grow. It is something we have to choose.

He explains this concept in greater detail;

The Savior said, “Come unto me” (Matthew 11:28) and “Knock, and it shall be [given] you” (Matthew 7:7). These are action verbs—come, knock. They are choices. So I say, choose faith. Choose faith over doubt, choose faith over fear, choose faith over the unknown and the unseen, and choose faith over pessimism.

I think it is so important to remind ourselves, and for me, myself that faith is a choice. It does take action, it takes work. As an addict, it is easy to fall into "Why me?" mode. If only I had more.... sobriety, hope, faith, support, money, success, love etc. It can be a deadly cycle. Focusing constantly on what I don't have, what I am lacking. It is easy to forget that the way out is not a miraculous change, but rather begins with a simple choice. The choice to have faith, and to act upon that faith through study, prayer, and action.

I once saw a quote that said;

Even when opportunity comes knocking, you still have to get up and answer the door.

Such is the nature of faith. The opportunities to come closer to the Savior are there. I just have to get off my butt and take advantage of them.

Towards the end of his message, Brother Edgley shares a testimony that I found particularly important for those of us who struggle with addiction, depression and despair;

I have never witnessed the removal of an actual mountain. But because of faith I have seen a mountain of doubt and despair removed and replaced with hope and optimism. Because of faith I have personally witnessed a mountain of sin replaced with repentance and forgiveness. And because of faith I have personally witnessed a mountain of pain replaced with peace, hope, and gratitude. Yes, I have seen mountains removed.

I don't have all the answers and I don't know tomorrow brings, but today I am going to do my best to recognize and understand that my faith is a choice.

Thanks for listening.

~~~ Tim

Broadening My Horizons

So for the past 4 years I have been attending LDS Addiction Recovery meetings pretty much weekly.  It has been a great experience and I have made many wonderful friends.  It became a comfort zone and place that I enjoyed being.  It was my safe place.  Over that time period I briefly tried seeing a therapist but have resisted attending other groups that were not 100% sponsored by the LDS Church.  I reasoned that I had what I needed and I didn't need anything else.

Well last night I decided to jump out of my comfort zone a little bit and attend my very first SA meeting.  SA, if you are not familiar, is Sexaholics Anonymous, and it is patterned after the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous.  Well if I am being honest, I didn't really decide on my own to attend.  Sidreis wanted to attend and asked me to go with her and I agreed.  When we first arrived we were among the first people in the room.  Everyone was very friendly and kind.  We sat down and watched as people started pouring in.  It was more people than I have ever seen in an LDS PASG room.  And to my pleasant surprise, 2 men that I know very well from my own 12 Step meetings ended up attending including one of my close friends and supporters who was actually the brother that listened to my step 5.  I immediately felt at home and as if I was among friends.

Things were different but the same.  There are many different versions of the 12 Steps out there but they all ultimately stem from the original 12 Steps written for AA many, many years ago.  So while the wording was different, it was still the same.  As we went around the room there were a few things that really stuck out at me.

First off.  There is a great deal more accountability in the SA circle.  Instead of just saying your name and maybe admitting to some level of addiction.  People are asked to share their name, addiction, how many phone calls or contacts they had with others in recovery that week and what, if any, step work they accomplished that week.  This is very different from what I am accustomed too where you can pass with just saying your name and volunteering nothing at all about yourself.

Secondly, they talked NON-STOP about the importance of sponsorship.  There was even a moment where numerous people raised their hands expressing a willingness to be sponsors and had various members of the group share how sponsorship had enabled them to embrace the program and gain sobriety and recovery.

Thirdly, they actually spend a lot of time helping you understand what exactly sobriety is.  This is a concept that I think a  lot of people struggle with.  Do I restart my sobriety?  Was it really a slip? Does it even matter?  I know that I struggled a lot with this in my early days of recovery. 

The only thing I didn't like, is they take all first timers into a room with a couple veterans and have a "new members meeting."  I am sure it is an awesome experience for someone who is completely new to recovery and 12 step but it was a little odd.  Still  a good experience and got to know some good men, I just would have liked to have been part of the group sharing instead.

Ultimately the greatest lesson I learned is that all good things come from God.  Anything that leads me towards him and gives me additional resources to better my recovery and bring me closer to my Heavenly Father is a good thing.  More recovery tools and recovery friends are always a good thing.  Satan has tried for decades to make me feel alone, like I am the only one that struggles.  So I love hearing stories similar to mine.  I love catching him in his lies and reaffirming that I am not broken or lost or beyond hope.  I have found it many times in LDS PASG meetings and last night I found it again in SA.  It was wonderful to be amongst friends.

~~~ Tim

Saturday Update

I committed earlier this week to check back in and start using my blog more frequently again.  When I first created this space it was intended to be an online journal.  I am terrible at writing in a journal, plus after 20+ years of heavy computer and cash register usage, I am well on my way to severe carpal tunnel.  My hand sometimes spasms and gets stuck in a semi-claw when I write too much with pen or pencil.  So this was my solution.

Overall it has been a great week.  Not a perfect week but an good one.  No significant triggers or struggles.  Still haven't been as great at my dailies as I would like but I made serious progress this week.  My goal every morning is to read something from the Scriptures or General Conference and find something uplifting or powerful in what I study to share with my support list.  This sometimes leads to my dailies going on much longer than I intended because I haven't run across the right message to share with others to both inspire them and help me move forward and have a great day. 

The only negative this week was that I got a cold Thursday evening and missed my 12 Step meeting.  The weather turned cold almost overnight here and I stupidly spent 2 hours out in the elements just wearing a light fleece vest while working on my car .  Even though it was a bad experience, it actually became something of a learning metaphor for me. 

When I don't do my dailies and connect with others and get outside myself, I don't build up my armor.  So I end up out in the elements unprepared and freezing cold.  This leads to me getting sick and eventually slipping.  That is exactly what happened to me on Thursday.  I didn't make good decisions and I ended up suffering as a result.  Fortunately a cold can be overcome with a good night's sleep and some basic meds.  Poor decisions that lead me towards addiction are harder to overcome. 

It amazes me how often I see the 12 Steps and recovery in my daily life when I am paying attention.  It truly is a program not just to overcome addiction but just to become a better person and come closer to my Father in Heaven.

I am looking forward to a wonderful Thanksgiving week.  To kick things off I just want to say that I am extremely grateful for my Father in Heaven, my Savior and his Atonement that helps me overcome my weaknesses.  For my family, both extended and immediate and for the many blessings I have received.  I have a good friend in recovery who carries a gratitude list in his pocket at all times because he feels that when he is focused on the many things in his life that he has to be thankful for, he doesn't focus on his addiction.  What a wonderful example. 

I am also grateful for all of you.  Blogging has been a great way to help me feel connected and part of a group instead of stuck in isolation. 

Thanks for listening

~~~ Tim

Getting Out of a Funk

So I have been in a bit of a funk lately.  Nothing really in particular.  I haven't slipped or felt especially triggered.  I just kinda feel 'blah' at times.  Some days are better than others and I have definitely had some amazing things happen to me lately, but I struggle at times to get consistent traction in my recovery efforts.  Some of it is routine.  It is amazing how easy it is to get out of good habits.  I can start something new in my dailies and do awesome at it for 3-4 weeks and with one missed day, suddenly it becomes difficult to start back up again.

Part of that funk has been avoiding the blogs.  I haven't written on mine much and I haven't read much of what anyone else had to say either.  I recognize the benefit from sharing and connecting with others, its just so easy to get out of the habit of doing it.  So just being here writing is part of a conscious effort to get outside my box and reach out and extend myself a little bit.

One other thing that contributed to my funk is running out of conference talks.  I know that sounds crazy but I listen to 2-3 talks a day sometimes so I burned through the recent conference pretty quickly.  I have read or listened to every single talk at least once and have read most of my favorites 2-3 times.  So some days I find myself sitting there spending 15+ minutes just scrolling through the list looking for a talk to read. 

On Saturday I happened across a talk by President Uchtdorf that really kind of opened my eyes a little and help me see the light through the fog.  The solution, as it tends to be with gospel concepts, was much simpler than I expected it to be.

The talk was given in 2009 and is called The Love of God.  There was one particular aspect that really spoke to me.  It really gave me some motivation to start to move forward, or at least increase my speed a little bit;

My dear brothers and sisters, don’t get discouraged if you stumble at times. Don’t feel downcast or despair if you don’t feel worthy to be a disciple of Christ at all times. The first step to walking in righteousness is simply to try. We must try to believe. Try to learn of God: read the scriptures; study the words of His latter-day prophets; choose to listen to the Father, and do the things He asks of us. Try and keep on trying until that which seems difficult becomes possible—and that which seems only possible becomes habit and a real part of you.

As I read this I started to understand.  Everyone has bad days, bad weeks, struggles and trials.  It is part of life.  The fact that I have been in a funk doesn't mean that I have failed or that I am a bad person.  In fact, recognizing that I have been in a funk is actually a sign that I don't want to be here.  For so many years I just embraced the funk and sunk slowly into the darkness.  

I especially love the line that I underlined above.  Sometimes the answer is just to try.  To stop sitting in the crap and try.  It doesn't have to be anything earth-shattering or amazing, it just takes effort.  Little by little.  Step by step, moving forward.  

I am reminded of a quote I read recently;

“It doesn’t matter how slowly you go-so long as you do not stop.”-Confucius

Recovery and life is a long process. Sometimes I am capable of moving very quickly, taking large steps and bounds down the path, other times it is all I can do to lift my feet off the ground, but what really matters is if I am trying. It isn't a race, I just have to keep moving!
I am committing to move forward. I am also committing to check back in before the end of this week with an update on how I am doing. Connection is power my friends!

Thanks for listening

~~~ Tim 

"That They Do Always Remember Him"

Recently as part of my daily personal study I have been studying a lot about the Sacrament.  I have been told my entire life that every Sunday is like a new opportunity to be feel the cleansing power that occurs at Baptism.  To place my mistakes, missteps and weaknesses on the altar of the Atonement and face forward once again.  But I am not sure that I have ever really understood this concept.  Despite hearing messages like this my entire life I still hear people say occasionally; "Wouldn't be it great to be baptized again and have that clean slate, to know that you are starting over?"  And even though I should know that isn't necessary, there has always been a part of me that felt drawn to that concept. 

There are tons of great resources out there about the Sacrament.  A couple of the ones that really spoke to me were talks given at recent sessions of General Conference.  The first is titled; Blessings of the Sacrament by Elder Don R. Clarke and was given in October 2012.    He talks about how he first started to gain a testimony of the power of the Sacrament in his youth when one of his Young Men's leaders challenged him each Sunday to write down two things that he was thinking about during the administration of the Sacrament.  This opportunity for accountability led to him focusing more and more on the Savior and having a greater appreciation of the Sacrament.  This is a concept that we have implemented in our family.  Every Sunday after Church when we sit down to Sunday dinner, we go around the table and discuss the things we thought about.  We only recently started it but I think it has been good for all of us to really focus during that important period of Church.

The second talk that really spoke to me on this subject was given by Elder Dallin H. Oaks in October of 2008.  The title of his message is; Sacrament Meeting and the Sacrament.  He said something in his talk that really jumped off the page at me.  Words that I have heard thousands of times in my life but never seemed to understand;

When we partake of the sacrament, we make a sacred covenant that we will always remember the Savior. How sad to see persons obviously violating that covenant in the very meeting where they are making it.

Every single Sunday that we partake of the Sacrament, we covenant that we will always remember him.  It is right there in the prayer over the water that most of us have probably heard countless times;  that they do always remember him, that they may have his Spirit to be with them.  Yet as Elder Oaks pointedly explains, sometimes we don't even make it out of the meeting before it slips our mind.  That is not to say that perfection should be expected.  We aren't perfect, but I know for myself that I can do better.  

I think back to the many times in my life when I indulged in my addiction, succumbed to pride, let my character weaknesses run wild and selfishly put my own needs before those around me.  Would I have acted the same if I thought to remember the Savior?  If turning my attention to him had filled me with the Spirit as has been promised?

Now I know that I can't live life facing backwards.  The mistakes in my past are there to learn from, grow beyond and put behind me.  But I know that I can do better going forward.  I can focus more during the administration of the Sacrament, let my thoughts be filled with gratitude for my Savior instead of sports, friends or even Church calling responsibilities in the later meetings of the day.  Sometimes the things that get in the way are good things, but we only get one chance each week to truly access the Atonement and renew those covenants. 

Facing the Savior is the answer to any problem we can encounter in our lives.  No matter how great or trivial.  I am reminded of one of my all time favorite scriptures from the New Testament.  It is found in John chapter 14, verse 18; 

I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.

He will always come when I call.  When I face him, when I remember him.  If he is the focus of my life, I can never go astray.  

~~~ Tim

10,000

When I created this blog back in February, I really didn't know what to expect. In fact my original plan was to make it private and just use it as an online journal of sorts and then down the road when I was "better", I would unveil my story to the world. This was something I struggled with a lot early on. I couldn't be open or honest with anyone about anything until I had moved forward and could come from a position of strength.

Ultimately I started to see the value of the community and interacting with other bloggers and community members. I found that I gained strength and hope through honesty and openly sharing with others. What had started out exceedingly private ended up becoming extremely public as I would eventually make my story and my entire journey public.

So here we are almost 9 months later and things are wonderful. Far from perfect but still wonderful. And to my surprise, a couple days ago I reached 10,000 page views. This is pretty humbling to me that people would see enough value in what I had to share that my blog would generate that much traffic.

It is just a number, but it inspires me to keep going, to keep sharing and to keep being honest. There is power and strength in honesty. We truly are only as sick as our secrets.

Thanks for sharing my journey!

~~~ Tim