Dear Anonymous Daughter of God

I have recently started working my Step 9.  Step 9 of course asks us to make amends to those we have wronged over the course our addiction and the waves of behavior it can create.  In most cases, this can be done.  Friends, family, co-workers etc.  Many have been affected and in most instances can be contacted.  In my case however there is one unique aspect of my addiction that I have had trouble determining how to approach.

I grew up before the "internet generation" existed.  I did not have regular access to the internet until I was 21 years old and had returned home from my mission.  My earliest exposure to things of a sexual nature was not online, but rather on the telephone via adult phone lines.  From about the time I turned 14 years old, I had a bedroom in the basement of my home.  It was just my older brother and I down there.  My older sister was away at college and my parents and younger siblings were upstairs.  This meant that late at night I had free reign to watch the television in my room and in the family room just outside the hallway to my room.  This meant that occasionally I was exposed to adult content without parental supervision.  Occasionally I would get sucked into this content but more often than not it wasn't the inappropriate movies that sucked me in, rather it was the late night commercials aimed at adults that became my downfall.

In the late evening hours, even during normally appropriate programming, there would be regular commercials for adult phone lines.  They were everywhere.  It didn't matter the channel, only the time of day.  Before long I was calling on a regular basis.  I ran up outrageous phone bills and created financial burdens for my family.  It was a pattern that I would battle for many years and still battle at times.  These adult lines opened my eyes to things I had never dreamed were out there.  I was quickly immersed and entrapped.

Later in life I transitioned to chat rooms and online chat services.  The medium was different but the results the same.   I would spend hours indulging.  In my early 20's I would lose entire days to anonymous chat and fantasy.  Therein lies difficult thing about this.  Even though it involved real people, it was always anonymous.  I would create fake chat handles and identities, anything and everything but the truth.  It was a medium to create the me that I thought people would like since I was unhappy with the real me.  But now as I attempt to right the wrongs I have created and apologize to those who were affected by my behavior, I have no way to contact any of these anonymous people.  I never knew their real names, just as they never knew mine.  For a long time I had just decided not to do anything.  I couldn't contact them and they would certainly never read anything I could possibly write.  Then I had an idea.  I can write a letter and publish it on my blog.  So here goes.

Dear Anonymous Daughter of God

Hi there.  My name is Tim.  You never knew that because I didn't want you to know the real me.  When we talked I was lying, about everything.  I told you anything and everything that I thought would make you like me.  I was afraid to let you into the real me because I didn't like the real me very much so I figured you wouldn't like him either.  First off I want to say that I am sorry.  I said and did things that were inappropriate and wrong.  I treated you like an object of desire instead of a human being of worth and value.

Most of all I want you to know that I am a son of God.  I didn't really used to understand that, but I do now.  It has changed my outlook on myself and others.  I know that my heritage is divine and that is what matters most about me.  Not my height, weight or hair color.  Not my job, my house or my car.

I also want you to know that you are a daughter of God.  He loves you and is looking out for you.  If you haven't found Him and recognized His hand in your life, I want you to know that He is there.  He is ALWAYS there.  No matter how many poor decisions we make or wrong turns we take, he is still with us.  He will never leave us alone and never give up on us.  He never gave up on me and he will never give up on you. 

Finally, I want you to know that I love you.  Not in a physical or carnal way like I pretended to before, but in a spiritual and eternal way.  You are my sister and we are children of the same loving God..  I have prayed for you and I will continue to pray for you. 

I know that one day I will be able to see you face to face, whether in this life or the next, and say that I am sorry in person.  But for now, please know that you are loved and that you are never alone.

Humbly yours,

Tim

God's Greatest Creation: Me

Over the course of my recovery, one of the greatest lessons I have had to learn time and time again, is that one of the keys to recovery is understanding who I am. Divine nature, the knowledge that I truly am a spiritual child of a loving God, is so important to overcoming trials in life. It is a lesson that I have had to learn and re-learn and remember often. Recently while looking for a spiritual lift at work, I ran across a short video on the Mormon Channel that perfectly expounds on this topic and I wanted to share it here.

The excerpt is from a talk by Elder Nelson given at General Conference in April 2012, titled; Thanks Be To God

I know that I am a child of God. I know that as I come closer to him, he will give me greater strength to overcome my trials and move forward. This is true for each and every one of us. He loves us and wants to be in our lives, we just have to invite him in.

~~~ Tim

Lessons From General Conference: Part 1

I posted last week about my preparations for General Conference and promised to check back with some of the lessons I learned.  It was an amazing weekend.  My wife was out of town so I took vacation to be home with the kids and for the first time in many years, my schedule was completely clear for Conference weekend, allowing me to watch every session live. It made for an amazing weekend and there were many messages that touched me.  I have chosen a few to share with you all.

One of my goals in any Conference session since I began recovery is to look for messages and ideas that will help strengthen my recovery and my relationship with my Heavenly Father and the Savior.  This came across loud and clear to me during the Priesthood Session during the amazing message of President Uchtdorf.  His talk was; You Can Do It Now.  It was amazing message that speaks directly to all who struggle with addiction or ongoing character weaknesses. He spoke of being skiing with his grandson and falling down on the slopes. He described his embarrassment and how difficult it was to find the strength to get back up. He explained how this experience of falling in our endeavors is something that all of us experience and can be a huge stumbling block;

"No one likes to fail. And we particularly don’t like it when others—especially those we love—see us fail. We all want to be respected and esteemed. We want to be champions. But we mortals do not become champions without effort and discipline or without making mistakes."

Anyone who has lived in addiction knows what it is like to fail.  To disappoint loved ones, to lose sobriety, to lose hope.  I have been there many times in my life.  Fallen again, groveling in the dirt trying to find the strength or even the desire to get back up and be honest about my failures with those I love.  It is HARD and so discouraging.  But there IS hope.   President Uchtdorf goes on to bear powerful testimony that we CAN do it.  We can find hope and strength through the Savior;

"My dear brethren, my dear friends, there will be times when you think you cannot continue on. Trust the Savior and His love. With faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and the power and hope of the restored gospel, you will be able to walk tall and continue on."

Another message that seemed to speak almost directly to me was the amazing message of Elder Richard G. Scott titled; Personal Strength Through The Atonement of Jesus Christ.  He spoke at length about how we all need the Atonement. He also talked about something that has plagued me for much of my life. The attempts of Satan to use my past mistakes to tear me down and make me feel inadequate. Elder Scott spoke at length about how we can overcome this weapon of the adversary;

"Many of us have allowed weakness to develop in our character. Through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, we, like the Ammonites, can build spiritual fortifications between ourselves and any past mistakes that Satan attempts to exploit. The spiritual protections built around the Ammonite fathers blessed and strengthened themselves, their families, their country, and future generations. The same can be true with us."

I absolutely love his word choices here. "past mistakes that Satan attempts to exploit."  Because that is exactly what it is.  Satan knows that the Atonement can cleanse us of our mistakes and failures.  But he also knows that we are full of doubt and fear.  He uses this to exploit.  "You can't do it.  You are the worst, you will never get there."   He goes on to bear powerful testimony of how the real solution to overcoming these murmuring of Satan is the be filled with the love of our Father in Heaven and faith in the Atonement of Jesus Christ; 

"Because your Father in Heaven loves you profoundly, the Atonement of Jesus Christ makes that strength possible. Isn’t it wonderful? Many of you have felt the burden of poor choices, and each of you can feel the elevating power of the Lord’s forgiveness, mercy, and strength."

No matter how much power Satan attempts to exert over us, the answer will always be to turn to the Lord.  He has already overcome all, he has already overcome Satan and his entire bag of tricks.  We just have to be humble enough to face him and let him take over.  

I have so much more to share, I think I will have to write a part 2 here in a few days.  Conference was so amazing that one little blog post could never do it justice.  Two probably won't either but we'll give it a shot. 

~~~ Tim

The Conference Challenge: Part 2

In April,I introduced you all to the General Conference Challenge.  It was first given to my family by our home teacher a year or two back.  I have found it to be very inspiring and beneficial to my recovery efforts and overall relationship with the Savior.  I will be doing it again this weekend.

Just a refresher for those of you who don't remember;

So I wanted to give you a challenge!  About a year ago our Home Teacher challenged us to watch Conference weekend with questions in mind.  He actually challenged us to write down at least 3 questions that we needed inspiration and help with in our lives.  He bore testimony that if we would do this diligently and prayerfully that we would receive answers to the questions.  I know this to be true.  As members of the restored Church of Jesus Christ we have access to revelation to know the Lord's will.  This weekend is one of those opportunities.  So seize the day my friends!  Join me in seeking answers to the problems that weigh us down and cause us stress.  Our Heavenly Father will give us guidance.
Looking forward to a great conference weekend!

I am so blessed to be a member of a Church that is led by a Prophet of God and to have the opportunity to hear wonderful and uplifting messages every 6 months.  I am preparing myself to be inspired and uplifted.  I will re-visit this next week with my thoughts and some of what I learned

~~~ Tim

Journal: Stressbomb!

It has been a hectic 10 days. This is one of the most stressful weeks of the year for me at work. I manage the backroom and inventory for a large retail store and yesterday was our annual inventory audit. This audit is a huge part of what my company pays me for. Overall I felt like we were fairly well prepared but being that it is an annual event and the bonuses and job security of my boss can depend on the results, it is still pretty stressful. I ended up working long days leading up, including working on my day off. Sleep was harder and harder to come by

Stress is typically not a huge trigger for me, I actually tend to struggle more when I am bored and listless than when I am super busy. Because of this, I sometimes fail to recognize when I am in its grasp. It happens slowly, its not like I woke up one morning and was under unbearable stress. It comes on little by little, poking and prodding at defenses and routines until it nestles its way in. Dailies become lackluster, prayers become quick and repetitive and reaching out to support becomes less and less frequent. The scriptures teach us well that it is by small and simple things that great things come to pass, but it is important to remember that it is also through small and simple means that great things are undone.

One thing that kept me sane was my support system. I had my regularly scheduled meeting with my Bishop on Tuesday and it was actually in his office that I came to the realization, that yes, I am really dealing with some stress right now. It made me grateful for routines because if I had not had a regularly scheduled appointment, I am confident that I would not have gone in.

The other thing that keeps me sane is the texts and support from my friends in recovery. I am typically pretty good about reaching out, so when I slack off, they recognize it. I got some wonderful messages of support this week to help keep me from falling completely off course.

There is so much to be grateful for. After this weekend, life slows down again somewhat and I am actually on paid vacation at both my jobs next week. I really don't have much planned. Sidreis is going to Idaho so I get to relax at home with the kids and just breathe. I am also really excited for General Conference in about 10 days. It will be the perfect way to replenish the oil in my lamp and keep me going.

Most of all I am grateful that I am not alone. I am reminded of a quote I ran across from President Monson given at General Conference back in 1987;

"It is imperative that we recognize that whatever has happened to us has happened to others. They have coped and so must we. We are not alone. Heavenly Father's help is near."

There is always help at hand.

Red Flags: Selfishness

I have been thinking a lot lately about what to share and not a lot has been coming to me.  Then over this past weekend I had an experience that I not only wanted to share here, but gave me a great idea for a regular feature.  I am going to call this concept, 'Red Flags'.  More time in recovery doesn't mean perfection, or being cured, or having it made, but it has helped me to be a little better at recognizing the storms that are headed my way.  These storms or red flags are the signs that I am headed towards danger if I don't correct my course and make changes. 

One of my biggest red flags is selfishness.  The addict in me believes that everything revolves around me.  It looks at life situations and events not in terms of what they meant or were really about, but rather how they affect ME.  My needs, my satisfaction and my comfort were the main priorities in my life.  Donating time, energy or resources to anyone else was done begrudgingly or not at all.  If it is going to inconvenience me, frustrate me, cause me to do more than I feel I should have to do, then I'm not interested. Recognizing this behavior and becoming more willing to serve and get outside myself has been a huge part of my recovery success. When I succeed in putting others first, being charitable and patient, I am rarely stuck in addictive behaviors. The trick is recognizing these moments before they spiral out of control.

This past week I found myself mired in selfishness. My wife has a trip planned for the first week of October. She wanted to set some money aside so that she can have a good time on her adventure. In order to accomplish this, she volunteered to pick up some extra shifts at work 4 nights last week. It meant that she would be gone most of the evening, 4 consecutive nights, leaving me home with the kids to deal with homework, dinner, housework and day to day responsibilities. When she first mentioned it I was supportive and appreciative that she was willing to work so many extra hours so that her trip wouldn't affect the family budget. My goodwill didn't last long.

The first couple days went fairly smoothly, I would come home from work and pick up the house before my older boys got home from school. I would give them chores to help keep things somewhat in order and did my best to stay on top of things. By the third day however, frustration had set in. It wasn't fair! I was having to do everything, and the more energy I expended thinking about how unfair it was, the more frustrated I got. By Friday, her last day of double shifts, I had completely given up. I made no attempt to pick up the house, rotate laundry or reign in the kids. It wasn't my fault. She was the one choosing to be gone so much and leaving me to take care of everything. Right?

Saturday morning I got my wake up call. Saturday is my least favorite day of the week. I typically work a double and in addition, it is the busiest day of the week at both jobs. I dread it when it comes. That morning at work as I pondered the day ahead of me a thought popped into my head. "You know how much you hate Saturdays? Well your wife just worked 4 strait double shifts and you didn't really do much to support her. On top of that the house is a train wreck so instead of resting and recovering today it will take her all day to clean." Immediately a wave of recognition flowed over me. I had been living in selfishness. I also recognized that in feeding on this selfishness it had affected many other aspects of my recovery. My dailies had been sub-par, I hadn't reached out as much as I normally do and my prayers were hurried and repetitive.

I immediately said a small prayer in my heart and the first thought that popped into my head was; Step 1:Honesty. I need to be honest about my actions. I pulled out my phone and sent a text apologizing to my wife. I explained that I recognized I had been selfish, that I was sorry and offered to help out with tasks around the house when I got home. It was a great first step, but it was only the first step. I pondered what more I could do. I rushed home between jobs to change only to find that the house was still in shambles and she was gone at a church function.

Realizing that I had about 40 minutes before I needed to leave to start my other job, I immediately went to work. I organized the kids and started cleaning frantically. I was able to clean the entire upstairs, vacuum everything and get everything in order. I rushed out the door to work again to finish my double. But you know what? It felt amazing. It was such a wonderful thing to get outside myself, my own concerns and struggles and just put someone else first. It completely changed my outlook and got me out of my rut.

Recognizing my red flags as they come is a huge part of my recovery effort. I am human. I still do stupid things all the time. Living in recovery doesn't make me perfect. It never has and it never will. What it has helped me do is recognize these red flags as they come so that hopefully I can get out of the toxic behavior before it leads me slowly back down the path to Satan's grasp. I am grateful that I was able to see it coming this past weekend, and I hope that I can continue to learn and grow.

Daily Bread

I know that I have talked a lot in this space about how important daily study and connection with others is to my success, or lack of, in this battle. It has become clear to me on so many occasions that if I am grumpy, weak, cranky, triggered or things are not going well in my life, chances are I have not been actively engaged in daily study for a period of time.

Recently the LDS Church released a new Mormon Channel video that addresses this concept that I wanted to share here. This was shared with me last week by a friend in recovery and it was a great reminder that just as going 2-3 days without eating would leave me in a weakened and diminished state physically, failure to feast upon the word of God leaves me lacking spiritually.

I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.