It feels like the last 3 weeks have flown by with record speed. Between the holidays, and working 2 different jobs in retail plus getting ready for some possible life changes, I have struggled at times to catch my breath. My recovery efforts have definitely suffered. That is not to say that I have fallen off the wagon or slipped, but I could definitely be doing more than I have. Christmas was wonderful and it has been great to spend some time with my family but it is time to get back to work.
Things haven't been all bad, though. I am progressing well with Step 9 and have had some wonderful opportunities to apologize and make amends for past mistakes. From a distance, Step 9 always seemed horrifying, but after working the prior steps to prepare for the process, things have gone well. It is freeing to be able to just say; "Hey, I'm really sorry for the way I treated you, it was wrong and I recognize that." Due to the fact that I have been open about my recovery story and process, the vast majority of my friends and family know that I am working a 12 Step program, but I have tried hard to not use that as a crutch when making amends. It has made the conversations a lot easier, though. Just one more plug for openness making the entire process simpler once I broke down the barrier of fear and shame.
Ultimately though, I know that if I don't get back on track, I will start to plateau. Recovery is a program of action and it just doesn't work to stand still. Eventually if I am not moving forward, I will start to move backwards. So I am here today to be accountable, and to recommit to doing all the little things that I need to do. One of those things is using this space to be open and honest about my efforts. Both when things are good, and when they aren't.
So I am committing to blog more, to share more, to connect more and to get back into the healthy routines that have helped me move forward in the past.
I am looking forward to 2014. 2013 was filled with growth and pain, but there is something extremely exciting about a new year, a sober year, one day at a time.
~~~ Tim
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Choosing to Build and Nurture Faith
Things have been a bit of an adventure lately. It seems like every year around the holidays, things tend to get stressful and crazy. Inevitably, something goes wrong with our car. We struggle to manage the budget to try to provide a nice Christmas for our own family while also trying to find a way to donate and help out those less fortunate. Its a wonderful time of year, but also a busy, stressful and sometimes very trigger filled time.
The last few weeks have been pretty up and down for me. I have been really great at times, but also vulnerable and needy at times. Given the nature of the financial stress created by my last major relapse, I have really wanted to try to make Christmas wonderful for my family to help make up for the struggles of the last year. Focusing time and energy on this has definitely affected my recovery efforts at times.
Sunday morning I ran across a talk in my dailies that really gave me some perspective so I wanted to share some thoughts here.
The talk is titled; Faith---the Choice is Yours, by Richard C. Edgley. He talks at length about the power of faith, and how it can move mountains, both physical, emotional and spiritual. Early on in his message, he shared something that really hit me;
I absolutely love that he teaches that faith is a choice! It is so easy at times to think, "Oh man, if only I had faith as the Brother of Jared..." But the thing is, faith is something we choose, feed, nurture and help to grow. It is something we have to choose.
He explains this concept in greater detail;
I think it is so important to remind ourselves, and for me, myself that faith is a choice. It does take action, it takes work. As an addict, it is easy to fall into "Why me?" mode. If only I had more.... sobriety, hope, faith, support, money, success, love etc. It can be a deadly cycle. Focusing constantly on what I don't have, what I am lacking. It is easy to forget that the way out is not a miraculous change, but rather begins with a simple choice. The choice to have faith, and to act upon that faith through study, prayer, and action.
I once saw a quote that said;
Such is the nature of faith. The opportunities to come closer to the Savior are there. I just have to get off my butt and take advantage of them.
Towards the end of his message, Brother Edgley shares a testimony that I found particularly important for those of us who struggle with addiction, depression and despair;
I don't have all the answers and I don't know tomorrow brings, but today I am going to do my best to recognize and understand that my faith is a choice.
Thanks for listening.
~~~ Tim
The last few weeks have been pretty up and down for me. I have been really great at times, but also vulnerable and needy at times. Given the nature of the financial stress created by my last major relapse, I have really wanted to try to make Christmas wonderful for my family to help make up for the struggles of the last year. Focusing time and energy on this has definitely affected my recovery efforts at times.
Sunday morning I ran across a talk in my dailies that really gave me some perspective so I wanted to share some thoughts here.
The talk is titled; Faith---the Choice is Yours, by Richard C. Edgley. He talks at length about the power of faith, and how it can move mountains, both physical, emotional and spiritual. Early on in his message, he shared something that really hit me;
Because of the conflicts and challenges we face in today’s world, I wish to suggest a single choice—a choice of peace and protection and a choice that is appropriate for all. That choice is faith.
I absolutely love that he teaches that faith is a choice! It is so easy at times to think, "Oh man, if only I had faith as the Brother of Jared..." But the thing is, faith is something we choose, feed, nurture and help to grow. It is something we have to choose.
He explains this concept in greater detail;
The Savior said, “Come unto me” (Matthew 11:28) and “Knock, and it shall be [given] you” (Matthew 7:7). These are action verbs—come, knock. They are choices. So I say, choose faith. Choose faith over doubt, choose faith over fear, choose faith over the unknown and the unseen, and choose faith over pessimism.
I think it is so important to remind ourselves, and for me, myself that faith is a choice. It does take action, it takes work. As an addict, it is easy to fall into "Why me?" mode. If only I had more.... sobriety, hope, faith, support, money, success, love etc. It can be a deadly cycle. Focusing constantly on what I don't have, what I am lacking. It is easy to forget that the way out is not a miraculous change, but rather begins with a simple choice. The choice to have faith, and to act upon that faith through study, prayer, and action.
I once saw a quote that said;
Even when opportunity comes knocking, you still have to get up and answer the door.
Such is the nature of faith. The opportunities to come closer to the Savior are there. I just have to get off my butt and take advantage of them.
Towards the end of his message, Brother Edgley shares a testimony that I found particularly important for those of us who struggle with addiction, depression and despair;
I have never witnessed the removal of an actual mountain. But because of faith I have seen a mountain of doubt and despair removed and replaced with hope and optimism. Because of faith I have personally witnessed a mountain of sin replaced with repentance and forgiveness. And because of faith I have personally witnessed a mountain of pain replaced with peace, hope, and gratitude. Yes, I have seen mountains removed.
I don't have all the answers and I don't know tomorrow brings, but today I am going to do my best to recognize and understand that my faith is a choice.
Thanks for listening.
~~~ Tim
Monday, December 2, 2013
Broadening My Horizons
So for the past 4 years I have been attending LDS Addiction Recovery meetings pretty much weekly. It has been a great experience and I have made many wonderful friends. It became a comfort zone and place that I enjoyed being. It was my safe place. Over that time period I briefly tried seeing a therapist but have resisted attending other groups that were not 100% sponsored by the LDS Church. I reasoned that I had what I needed and I didn't need anything else.
Well last night I decided to jump out of my comfort zone a little bit and attend my very first SA meeting. SA, if you are not familiar, is Sexaholics Anonymous, and it is patterned after the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous. Well if I am being honest, I didn't really decide on my own to attend. Sidreis wanted to attend and asked me to go with her and I agreed. When we first arrived we were among the first people in the room. Everyone was very friendly and kind. We sat down and watched as people started pouring in. It was more people than I have ever seen in an LDS PASG room. And to my pleasant surprise, 2 men that I know very well from my own 12 Step meetings ended up attending including one of my close friends and supporters who was actually the brother that listened to my step 5. I immediately felt at home and as if I was among friends.
Things were different but the same. There are many different versions of the 12 Steps out there but they all ultimately stem from the original 12 Steps written for AA many, many years ago. So while the wording was different, it was still the same. As we went around the room there were a few things that really stuck out at me.
First off. There is a great deal more accountability in the SA circle. Instead of just saying your name and maybe admitting to some level of addiction. People are asked to share their name, addiction, how many phone calls or contacts they had with others in recovery that week and what, if any, step work they accomplished that week. This is very different from what I am accustomed too where you can pass with just saying your name and volunteering nothing at all about yourself.
Secondly, they talked NON-STOP about the importance of sponsorship. There was even a moment where numerous people raised their hands expressing a willingness to be sponsors and had various members of the group share how sponsorship had enabled them to embrace the program and gain sobriety and recovery.
Thirdly, they actually spend a lot of time helping you understand what exactly sobriety is. This is a concept that I think a lot of people struggle with. Do I restart my sobriety? Was it really a slip? Does it even matter? I know that I struggled a lot with this in my early days of recovery.
The only thing I didn't like, is they take all first timers into a room with a couple veterans and have a "new members meeting." I am sure it is an awesome experience for someone who is completely new to recovery and 12 step but it was a little odd. Still a good experience and got to know some good men, I just would have liked to have been part of the group sharing instead.
Ultimately the greatest lesson I learned is that all good things come from God. Anything that leads me towards him and gives me additional resources to better my recovery and bring me closer to my Heavenly Father is a good thing. More recovery tools and recovery friends are always a good thing. Satan has tried for decades to make me feel alone, like I am the only one that struggles. So I love hearing stories similar to mine. I love catching him in his lies and reaffirming that I am not broken or lost or beyond hope. I have found it many times in LDS PASG meetings and last night I found it again in SA. It was wonderful to be amongst friends.
~~~ Tim
Well last night I decided to jump out of my comfort zone a little bit and attend my very first SA meeting. SA, if you are not familiar, is Sexaholics Anonymous, and it is patterned after the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous. Well if I am being honest, I didn't really decide on my own to attend. Sidreis wanted to attend and asked me to go with her and I agreed. When we first arrived we were among the first people in the room. Everyone was very friendly and kind. We sat down and watched as people started pouring in. It was more people than I have ever seen in an LDS PASG room. And to my pleasant surprise, 2 men that I know very well from my own 12 Step meetings ended up attending including one of my close friends and supporters who was actually the brother that listened to my step 5. I immediately felt at home and as if I was among friends.
Things were different but the same. There are many different versions of the 12 Steps out there but they all ultimately stem from the original 12 Steps written for AA many, many years ago. So while the wording was different, it was still the same. As we went around the room there were a few things that really stuck out at me.
First off. There is a great deal more accountability in the SA circle. Instead of just saying your name and maybe admitting to some level of addiction. People are asked to share their name, addiction, how many phone calls or contacts they had with others in recovery that week and what, if any, step work they accomplished that week. This is very different from what I am accustomed too where you can pass with just saying your name and volunteering nothing at all about yourself.
Secondly, they talked NON-STOP about the importance of sponsorship. There was even a moment where numerous people raised their hands expressing a willingness to be sponsors and had various members of the group share how sponsorship had enabled them to embrace the program and gain sobriety and recovery.
Thirdly, they actually spend a lot of time helping you understand what exactly sobriety is. This is a concept that I think a lot of people struggle with. Do I restart my sobriety? Was it really a slip? Does it even matter? I know that I struggled a lot with this in my early days of recovery.
The only thing I didn't like, is they take all first timers into a room with a couple veterans and have a "new members meeting." I am sure it is an awesome experience for someone who is completely new to recovery and 12 step but it was a little odd. Still a good experience and got to know some good men, I just would have liked to have been part of the group sharing instead.
Ultimately the greatest lesson I learned is that all good things come from God. Anything that leads me towards him and gives me additional resources to better my recovery and bring me closer to my Heavenly Father is a good thing. More recovery tools and recovery friends are always a good thing. Satan has tried for decades to make me feel alone, like I am the only one that struggles. So I love hearing stories similar to mine. I love catching him in his lies and reaffirming that I am not broken or lost or beyond hope. I have found it many times in LDS PASG meetings and last night I found it again in SA. It was wonderful to be amongst friends.
~~~ Tim
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