Dear Anonymous Daughter of God

I have recently started working my Step 9.  Step 9 of course asks us to make amends to those we have wronged over the course our addiction and the waves of behavior it can create.  In most cases, this can be done.  Friends, family, co-workers etc.  Many have been affected and in most instances can be contacted.  In my case however there is one unique aspect of my addiction that I have had trouble determining how to approach.

I grew up before the "internet generation" existed.  I did not have regular access to the internet until I was 21 years old and had returned home from my mission.  My earliest exposure to things of a sexual nature was not online, but rather on the telephone via adult phone lines.  From about the time I turned 14 years old, I had a bedroom in the basement of my home.  It was just my older brother and I down there.  My older sister was away at college and my parents and younger siblings were upstairs.  This meant that late at night I had free reign to watch the television in my room and in the family room just outside the hallway to my room.  This meant that occasionally I was exposed to adult content without parental supervision.  Occasionally I would get sucked into this content but more often than not it wasn't the inappropriate movies that sucked me in, rather it was the late night commercials aimed at adults that became my downfall.

In the late evening hours, even during normally appropriate programming, there would be regular commercials for adult phone lines.  They were everywhere.  It didn't matter the channel, only the time of day.  Before long I was calling on a regular basis.  I ran up outrageous phone bills and created financial burdens for my family.  It was a pattern that I would battle for many years and still battle at times.  These adult lines opened my eyes to things I had never dreamed were out there.  I was quickly immersed and entrapped.

Later in life I transitioned to chat rooms and online chat services.  The medium was different but the results the same.   I would spend hours indulging.  In my early 20's I would lose entire days to anonymous chat and fantasy.  Therein lies difficult thing about this.  Even though it involved real people, it was always anonymous.  I would create fake chat handles and identities, anything and everything but the truth.  It was a medium to create the me that I thought people would like since I was unhappy with the real me.  But now as I attempt to right the wrongs I have created and apologize to those who were affected by my behavior, I have no way to contact any of these anonymous people.  I never knew their real names, just as they never knew mine.  For a long time I had just decided not to do anything.  I couldn't contact them and they would certainly never read anything I could possibly write.  Then I had an idea.  I can write a letter and publish it on my blog.  So here goes.

Dear Anonymous Daughter of God

Hi there.  My name is Tim.  You never knew that because I didn't want you to know the real me.  When we talked I was lying, about everything.  I told you anything and everything that I thought would make you like me.  I was afraid to let you into the real me because I didn't like the real me very much so I figured you wouldn't like him either.  First off I want to say that I am sorry.  I said and did things that were inappropriate and wrong.  I treated you like an object of desire instead of a human being of worth and value.

Most of all I want you to know that I am a son of God.  I didn't really used to understand that, but I do now.  It has changed my outlook on myself and others.  I know that my heritage is divine and that is what matters most about me.  Not my height, weight or hair color.  Not my job, my house or my car.

I also want you to know that you are a daughter of God.  He loves you and is looking out for you.  If you haven't found Him and recognized His hand in your life, I want you to know that He is there.  He is ALWAYS there.  No matter how many poor decisions we make or wrong turns we take, he is still with us.  He will never leave us alone and never give up on us.  He never gave up on me and he will never give up on you. 

Finally, I want you to know that I love you.  Not in a physical or carnal way like I pretended to before, but in a spiritual and eternal way.  You are my sister and we are children of the same loving God..  I have prayed for you and I will continue to pray for you. 

I know that one day I will be able to see you face to face, whether in this life or the next, and say that I am sorry in person.  But for now, please know that you are loved and that you are never alone.

Humbly yours,

Tim

God's Greatest Creation: Me

Over the course of my recovery, one of the greatest lessons I have had to learn time and time again, is that one of the keys to recovery is understanding who I am. Divine nature, the knowledge that I truly am a spiritual child of a loving God, is so important to overcoming trials in life. It is a lesson that I have had to learn and re-learn and remember often. Recently while looking for a spiritual lift at work, I ran across a short video on the Mormon Channel that perfectly expounds on this topic and I wanted to share it here.

The excerpt is from a talk by Elder Nelson given at General Conference in April 2012, titled; Thanks Be To God

I know that I am a child of God. I know that as I come closer to him, he will give me greater strength to overcome my trials and move forward. This is true for each and every one of us. He loves us and wants to be in our lives, we just have to invite him in.

~~~ Tim

Lessons From General Conference: Part 1

I posted last week about my preparations for General Conference and promised to check back with some of the lessons I learned.  It was an amazing weekend.  My wife was out of town so I took vacation to be home with the kids and for the first time in many years, my schedule was completely clear for Conference weekend, allowing me to watch every session live. It made for an amazing weekend and there were many messages that touched me.  I have chosen a few to share with you all.

One of my goals in any Conference session since I began recovery is to look for messages and ideas that will help strengthen my recovery and my relationship with my Heavenly Father and the Savior.  This came across loud and clear to me during the Priesthood Session during the amazing message of President Uchtdorf.  His talk was; You Can Do It Now.  It was amazing message that speaks directly to all who struggle with addiction or ongoing character weaknesses. He spoke of being skiing with his grandson and falling down on the slopes. He described his embarrassment and how difficult it was to find the strength to get back up. He explained how this experience of falling in our endeavors is something that all of us experience and can be a huge stumbling block;

"No one likes to fail. And we particularly don’t like it when others—especially those we love—see us fail. We all want to be respected and esteemed. We want to be champions. But we mortals do not become champions without effort and discipline or without making mistakes."

Anyone who has lived in addiction knows what it is like to fail.  To disappoint loved ones, to lose sobriety, to lose hope.  I have been there many times in my life.  Fallen again, groveling in the dirt trying to find the strength or even the desire to get back up and be honest about my failures with those I love.  It is HARD and so discouraging.  But there IS hope.   President Uchtdorf goes on to bear powerful testimony that we CAN do it.  We can find hope and strength through the Savior;

"My dear brethren, my dear friends, there will be times when you think you cannot continue on. Trust the Savior and His love. With faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and the power and hope of the restored gospel, you will be able to walk tall and continue on."

Another message that seemed to speak almost directly to me was the amazing message of Elder Richard G. Scott titled; Personal Strength Through The Atonement of Jesus Christ.  He spoke at length about how we all need the Atonement. He also talked about something that has plagued me for much of my life. The attempts of Satan to use my past mistakes to tear me down and make me feel inadequate. Elder Scott spoke at length about how we can overcome this weapon of the adversary;

"Many of us have allowed weakness to develop in our character. Through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, we, like the Ammonites, can build spiritual fortifications between ourselves and any past mistakes that Satan attempts to exploit. The spiritual protections built around the Ammonite fathers blessed and strengthened themselves, their families, their country, and future generations. The same can be true with us."

I absolutely love his word choices here. "past mistakes that Satan attempts to exploit."  Because that is exactly what it is.  Satan knows that the Atonement can cleanse us of our mistakes and failures.  But he also knows that we are full of doubt and fear.  He uses this to exploit.  "You can't do it.  You are the worst, you will never get there."   He goes on to bear powerful testimony of how the real solution to overcoming these murmuring of Satan is the be filled with the love of our Father in Heaven and faith in the Atonement of Jesus Christ; 

"Because your Father in Heaven loves you profoundly, the Atonement of Jesus Christ makes that strength possible. Isn’t it wonderful? Many of you have felt the burden of poor choices, and each of you can feel the elevating power of the Lord’s forgiveness, mercy, and strength."

No matter how much power Satan attempts to exert over us, the answer will always be to turn to the Lord.  He has already overcome all, he has already overcome Satan and his entire bag of tricks.  We just have to be humble enough to face him and let him take over.  

I have so much more to share, I think I will have to write a part 2 here in a few days.  Conference was so amazing that one little blog post could never do it justice.  Two probably won't either but we'll give it a shot. 

~~~ Tim

The Conference Challenge: Part 2

In April,I introduced you all to the General Conference Challenge.  It was first given to my family by our home teacher a year or two back.  I have found it to be very inspiring and beneficial to my recovery efforts and overall relationship with the Savior.  I will be doing it again this weekend.

Just a refresher for those of you who don't remember;

So I wanted to give you a challenge!  About a year ago our Home Teacher challenged us to watch Conference weekend with questions in mind.  He actually challenged us to write down at least 3 questions that we needed inspiration and help with in our lives.  He bore testimony that if we would do this diligently and prayerfully that we would receive answers to the questions.  I know this to be true.  As members of the restored Church of Jesus Christ we have access to revelation to know the Lord's will.  This weekend is one of those opportunities.  So seize the day my friends!  Join me in seeking answers to the problems that weigh us down and cause us stress.  Our Heavenly Father will give us guidance.
Looking forward to a great conference weekend!

I am so blessed to be a member of a Church that is led by a Prophet of God and to have the opportunity to hear wonderful and uplifting messages every 6 months.  I am preparing myself to be inspired and uplifted.  I will re-visit this next week with my thoughts and some of what I learned

~~~ Tim