Journal: Milestones and a Check-In

It's been a couple weeks since I have had the opportunity to sit down and write. We absolutely love our new house but the one downside is I no longer have my own desk so my laptop is rarely accessible. It is amazing how quickly I can get out of the habit of writing when my computer isn't out and in sight at all times. Things have been good though. There have definitely been some hard times but also many good times mixed in.

This past holiday weekend was a good one. As I went to go to bed last night I couldn't help but be grateful for all the good in my life. Saturday we were able to have a birthday party for our youngest with both grandmothers in attendance. Then Sunday was a very full day spiritually. My wife and I had the opportunity to speak in church. Then I served as the facilitator in the local ARP meeting and then as the group leader in my Healing Through Christ Men's meeting later on that night. It was a full and wonderful day. I can't ever recall getting as much positive feedback after speaking in church as my wife and I did. We were stopped in the hall numerous times and then a couple times on the street Sunday afternoon as well. It was humbling to hear that my words might have given hope to someone else.

I also realized that I had a couple milestones over the weekend. Saturday was my 6 months of sobriety in terms of my progressive victory over lust. And today marks 11 months since my last serious relapse of viewing and acting out afterwards. It is very humbling to see my distance from my last struggles growing and I know that it is only through the grace of God and the love and support of many that I am where I am today.

I have thought a lot about how I got here. And the one thing I can't help but think is making the biggest difference in my life is service. When I very first met with my Stake President 4-5 months ago and outlined everything that was going on, he challenged me to find ways to serve my family, my community and my fellow man. To get outside myself. Addiction, all addiction, is self serving. It turns me inward towards selfishness and putting my own needs first. So any type of service and putting others first is a wonderful way to break the cycle.

I genuinely enjoy coming home after a long day at work and cooking dinner for my family or doing the dishes. My favorite days off now involve cooking breakfast for my wife and working for a few hours in the lawn. I have also been doing a lot more service in regards to recovery work. I have been facilitating or group leading 2 recovery meetings a week. In addition, tomorrow night we will be filling in for the couple that leads the family support meetings in this area. It is a wonderful experience and has given me great appreciation for the men and women who have given of their time for so many years to organize and serve in the many meetings I have attended. It feels good to give back.

I know that when I am serving others and putting the needs and happiness of those I love above my own that I end up happier as well. I know that I am blessed for my efforts. I recall my former Bishop and good friend telling me a few years back that some days he would get home after a long day of work and be frustrated if things were a mess at home. He told me he had to decide one day. "I can get into a fight with my wife and get into comparisons about who works more and whose turn it is to clean the house or I can just choose to love my wife and serve her and do the dishes." He then testified that he was always happier when he chose to serve. I have found this to be true in my life as well. I know that I am happier and my family relationships are stronger when I choose to serve and love them.

God is good. Life isn't perfect but it is still pretty amazing. I still fall down at times but I know it is worth it to get back up and keep going. So I keep going. One day at a time!