Blanket Statements Don't Heal: When Meaning Well Isn't Enough

Ive been struggling for awhile with how to write this post. It may be one that is confusing or puzzling to some but it is something I have been pondering for awhile and feel strongly about. This was all triggered by a Facebook post from the organization, Fight The New Drug.  Their mission statement as an organization is to educate and spread the word about the dangers of pornography.  How it can be used as a drug and has entrapped many.  Overall I think they are a wonderful organization.  I have long advocated that one of the best things we can do to combat this terrible problem is to stop being afraid of it.  We need more organizations that are willing to talk about it.  So I greatly appreciate their efforts.  I do however take exception to some of their slogans.

Don't get me wrong.  I understand the purpose of a slogan is to grab your attention so that you will click on the link, read the article or engage in conversation with the individual displaying the slogan.  I understand they mean well.  That their hope is that upon reading their slogan you will seek to learn more.  The old advertising adage is that all exposure is good exposure if it gets people to your site/business etc.  But I'm not sure that's always true.

The headline that grabbed my attention was "Real Men Don't Use Porn".  My immediate reaction was shock.  My second reaction was guilt mixed with shame.  I have used porn.  I have struggled with it for much of my life.  So am I not "real"?  Am I inherently less than because of the struggle I have?  Are all men and women who struggle with pornography, those who are stuck in a terrible pattern of "using porn", are they broken and diminished? 

I think to understand the ramifications of this statement we need to try to put ourselves in the shoes of those who are ensnared.  Odds are you know one of these people.  It might be your husband, your wife, one of your children, it might even be you.  The numbers are staggering when it comes to pornography usage.  Studies found in the "porn stats" section of the website, Covenant Eyes, show that 64% of men and 15% of all women admit to viewing pornography at least once a month.  We also learn here that 9 out of 10 boys and 6 out of 10 girls are exposed to pornography before they turn 18.  Depending on your definition, almost half the planet has "used pornography".  Those are staggering numbers.  Outlining even more how important it is to talk about it.  But I think it also shows the importance of saying the right things. 

The first thing we need to understand learned from personal experience, after attending 100's of 12 Step meetings and closely interacting with dozens of addicts, the biggest thing I can tell you is that most of them are desperate to stop.  They understand 100% the impact it is having on their lives and their families, but it's not always that simple.  It's not as simple as saying "just don't look"  It's "real" to not look.  All statements like that do is heap on shame and guilt. 

One of the other popular slogans that Fight The New Drug utilizes is "Porn Kills Love".  A couple years back when she was working for one of their on campus organizations my own wife even bought one of those shirts.  I tried to express to her at the time how much it hurt me to see it on her but our relationship wasn't strong at the time and she felt I was just being sensitive.  And truthfully, I was just being sensitive.  Because it hurt me to see that slogan.  As someone who struggles with pornography, all I heard when I saw that shirt was "You're not worthy of love, you're not capable of love, you are not loved".  I couldn't put it into words at the time but I clearly remember the pain.  It was shame.  Every single time I see that slogan I feel shame.  In moments of weakness I still to this day have to stop and ask myself if I deserve love.  If I am capable of love.

Now, don't get me wrong.  Pornography can and will kill love in your family and your relationships.  It's toxic and pervasive and will absolutely take over every aspect of your life.  I just don't think blanket statements like these are the right approach to try and help someone trapped in addiction.  In moments of clarity, I knew full well the impact my actions were having on my marriage and my family.  But when the temptations came, I still wasn't always strong enough to say no.  It's not as simple as just stopping.  Fortunately, more people are starting to come to this conclusion and radically changing the perception of addiction and addicts in general.

Author David Sheff, who has dealt with addiction is his own family and has written and studied extensively on the subject wrote the following for the New York Times in 2013;

"The view that drug use is a moral choice is pervasive, pernicious, and wrong. So are the corresponding beliefs about the addicted — that they’re weak, selfish, and dissolute; if they weren’t, when their excessive drug taking and drinking began to harm them, they’d stop. The reality is far different. Using drugs or not isn’t about willpower or character. Most problematic drug use is related to stress, trauma, genetic predisposition, mild or serious mental illness, use at an early age, or some combination of those. Even in their relentless destruction and self-destruction, the addicted aren’t bad people. They’re gravely ill, afflicted with a chronic, progressive, and often terminal disease.

People also believe that addicts can’t be treated; at best, they can muster their willpower and manage their compulsion for a short time. But while it’s true that addicts who seek treatment are seldom cured, their disease is treatable when we reject the pseudoscience, moralizing, and scare tactics that characterize the current system. The disease of addiction can be prevented, and when we treat it the way we treat other diseases, those in its thrall can be freed to live long, full, healthy lives."

I especially love his statement that; "their disease is treatable when we reject pseudoscience, moralizing and scare tactics."  These words apply just as powerfully to pornography addicts as they do to drug or alcohol addicts.  They aren't just bad moral people or people with terrible judgement.  Most of them are trapped, broken and lost. 

Apostles of the Lord have spoken out as well about addiction compromises the agency of those trapped in addiction.  In October 2010 Elder M. Russell Ballard explained the web of control that addicts struggle against;

"Researchers tell us there is a mechanism in our brain called the pleasure center. When activated by certain drugs or behaviors, it overpowers the part of our brain that governs our willpower, judgment, logic, and morality. This leads the addict to abandon what he or she knows is right. And when that happens, the hook is set and Lucifer takes control."

You can't help a drug addict by saying "Hey don't you know it's bad to use drugs?"   Similarly, you won't help a pornography addict by saying "Hey don't you know that real men don't use porn?  What the heck is wrong with you?"  "Don't you know that porn kills love?"  The solution to addiction is understanding, support, patience and empathy.  Yes, sometimes tough love is necessary.  But it's important to remember that even tough love only works when love is part of the equation. 

Most of all the message I want to send with this is one of hope.  If you or someone you loved is trapped in addiction there is hope.  You are worthy of love and you are as real as any other being to walk this planet.  We have been promised by prophets and apostles that there is always a way.  We are never too lost or too broken.  Elder Jeffrey R. Holland put this better than I possibly could in his wonderful message given in October 2006;

 "To all of you who think you are lost or without hope, or who think you have done too much that was too wrong for too long, to every one of you who worry that you are stranded somewhere on the wintry plains of life and have wrecked your handcart in the process, this conference calls out Jehovah’s unrelenting refrain, “[My] hand is stretched out still... His mercy endureth forever, and His hand is stretched out still. His is the pure love of Christ, the charity that never faileth, that compassion which endures even when all other strength disappears."

Please know that you are never too lost, too broken, too unworthy of love or too different to get help.  You deserve to feel valued and to know that you are never alone.  Addiction doesn't make you unloved or unworthy or wrong.  It just means you need help and help is there.  I promise you it is.