Re-Post - Helpful Analogies: The Bucket of Water

I originally posted this about a year and a half ago. In June of 2013 to be precise. I was reading back today and came across it and realized how much it speaks to me today. Sometimes I take steps backwards. Sometimes I even fall down. But I do not have to start my journey over. I just have to dust myself off and keep at it. The progress I made previously is not in vain even if I didn't reach my destination. I just have to keep putting water in the bucket and over time it will rise again.

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I love analogies and I tend to learn much better that way. Much like the parables of the New Testament, they help me understand principles in a more realistic and easy to apply way. I have started recording them all here both to help me remember and in the hopes that they might touch someone else. Today's analogy is called;


The Bucket Of Water

Imagine that you have been given the unenviable task of filling up a large pail of water using just a ladle. Scoop after scoop you slowly and laboriously fill up your pail of water. Initially it seems like all the water does is coat the sides of the bucket. Progress is hard to see in the moment, but you persist. Over time you start to see the water level inside the pail rising. This creates hope and motivates you to keep going. Ladle after ladle the water rises higher and higher. Then one day, while stooping down to dump your ladle of water into the bucket, you bump the bucket and some of the water sloshes over the top. Despondency sets in. It took so long to fill up the bucket. Now much of your progress is ruined and the temptation is there to just kick the bucket over entirely and watch it cascade across the sand. Eventually you realize that there is a great deal of water still inside the bucket. Yes, some splashed out and there is less than before the accident, but the bucket is not empty. You do not have to start over.

This concept of trying, often times again and again to get a certain desired result, be it filling a pail of water or overcoming addiction or character weaknesses was addressed by President Eyring in a devotional talk given at BYU many years ago. His talk was titled A Law Of Increasing Returns. He gives many wonderful thoughts and ideas but a couple quotes in particular jumped out at me. He directly addresses this process of having to try again and again to get the things we want most in life. Be it a quality education, a loving and eternal family relationship or overcoming a significant trial. He explains that these things take time for a reason;

"The simple fact is that there is a God who wants us to have faith in him. He knows that to strengthen faith we must use it. And so he gives us the chance to use it by letting some of the spiritual rewards we want most be delayed. Instead of first effort yielding returns, with a steady decline, it’s the reverse. First efforts, and even second efforts, seem to yield little. And then the rewards begin, perhaps much later, to grow and grow"

The reality is that I will never know why I was given this trial in my life. It has seemed at times like both the greatest blessing and the greatest curse of my life. I don't pretend to understand it, but I trust that the Lord knows what he is doing. I trust that if I try to do what I can to face forward, and get back up when I slip and knock the bucket over, that the blessings will come. President Eyring bears similar testimony towards the end of his message;

"Delayed blessings will build your faith in God to work, and wait, for him. The scriptures aren’t demeaning when they command, “Wait upon the Lord.” That means both service and patience. And that will build your faith. It may help you to watch both for the chance to smile and the blessings around you on the way. And it may help to picture both the future of the people whom you serve for God and his promise of peace in this life".

I love how we says that we must work and wait to build faith. I still have to do my part. I can't sit back and just trust that eventually my struggles will be magically taken from me. They won't be, not that way. I still have to work on putting ladles of water into my pail. It might not always make sense, and it might seem at times like it is taking forever, but the blessings do come. That much I know for sure.


~~~ Tim

Learning to Feel Pain

One of of the most difficult aspects of addiction recovery is learning how to feel again.  After years of numbing any type of pain or stress or disappointment, letting myself feel again is hard.  I am not good at it.  I don't know how to process it and sometimes it is difficult to cope from minute to minute. 

For decades of my life I just didn't entertain pain.  If someone hurt me, I numbed by acting out.  If I was scared, I numbed, if I was stressed I numbed.  As those familiar with my story know, I was first exposed to pornography at around age 8 and then fully started to engage in addictive behaviors around age 13.  So that is over 25 years that I numbed pain and stress instead of learning normal coping skills.  Yes, I have had stretches of sobriety and times when I was able to process pain and disappointment but it was usually by relying on others.  Bishops, my wife, friends in recovery.  I learned to look for help and support but rarely did I turn to God who is my only true source of comfort.

I have started working the online program that Addo offers and I did an assignment last night where I made a list of positive thoughts and then made a list of fears and negative thoughts.  The point of the exercise was to think of at least 3 positive things that countered each negative.  It was a good exercise and it felt good to surrender some of the negative thoughts and emotions.  But others were just too painful and scary.  Writing down 3 positive counterpoints just wasn't enough to release the fear.  It just brought the fears and stresses back to the forefront.  

So here I sit.  It is nearly 1 AM and I work in roughly 6 hours.  But laying in bed just gives the fears and negative emotions a sleepless playground to run amok.  So I am here to surrender them.  I know that my Savior can carry my pains and fears.  I know that he will help me with these burdens if my faith and desire is strong enough.  I know that the secret to getting through it isn't to be strong enough but to be humble enough to ask for His help and let Him carry my burdens and take my pain.  He understands perfectly what I am feeling and how unequipped I am to deal with it so I publicly surrender these fears and pains to him.  The only positive thought I really need to embrace to let go of my stress and fear is to simply trust Him for He can bind all wounds and heal all pain..

As I felt the weight of my stress and pain build up tonight, I fell to my knees and prayed mightily  and then listened to hopeful talks from Elder Holland and President Utchdorf.  I had a friend in recovery once tell me that the key to learning to feel pain again is to "lean into the pain", like a tree bracing for an oncoming wind storm.  To embrace it and eliminate some of its power.  So I am trying.  I am trying to lean into the pain, to meet it head on and trust that with faith in God that it will not beat me.  That it is not all consuming.

I am trying but it's hard...

There Can Be Peace

When I was studying History in College, one of my favorite Historical stories was that of the 1914 Christmas Truce during World War I.  You can read more about the amazing incident here.  What transpired that day was truly a miracle.  In the middle of one of the bloodiest battles in one of the most destructive wars in human history, the simple men who were on that terrible battlefield, sworn enemies, bonded together over something they had in common... Christmas.  The miracle of our Savior's birth and life and everything it stands for.  Many of us today forget what Christmas is really about but those men understood.  They understood that through Christ, all wounds can be healed, that all divides can be conquered and that even in the midst of war, people can find common ground. 

It was Germans on one side, British and French on the other.  Opposing forces, hunkered down in their trenches with just a thin strip of land known as 'no-man's land' in between.  The ground all around them was littered with their wounded and fallen comrades.  Yet despite all of this they exemplified the true spirit of Christmas and put aside their differences.  It is a powerful example to all of us that we can have peace.  We can overcome our trials and struggles.  We can love our fellow man and even our hated enemies.  For through Christ, all things are possible.

This Christmas will be the 100 year Anniversary of that amazing night.  So to honor and commemorate, the Christian group, Faith Counts has produced an amazing video that I wanted to share here.  Peace is possible.  For all things are possible through Him.

Enjoy the video!

What is Real Hope?

I have been thinking a lot lately about hope.  Hope can be such a beautiful blessing but sometimes hope seems in vain.  Like no matter how much I pray or desire something that seems like a righteous blessing that is just isn't meant to be.  It can lead to despair and frustration.  So I have been studying a lot on the topic lately to try and have a better understanding so that hope can be a force for good in my life.

As I pondered and prayed on this topic I ran across a talk by Elder Neil A. Maxwell given back in October of 1998 which oddly enough was the month I got married.  I don't remember it being given but I wasn't exactly in such a great place spiritually in 1998 so that probably isn't surprising. 

His beautiful message was titled Hope Through The Atonement of Jesus Christ

It rang so true to  my heart as I read his words.  Hope isn't just wishing and wanting for selfish things that may or may not have a measure of righteousness.  True hope, Godly hope, ALWAYS involves an eternal perspective and always involves hope through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  Elder Maxwell explains;

Our everyday usage of the word hope includes how we “hope” to arrive at a certain destination by a certain time. We “hope” the world economy will improve. We “hope” for the visit of a loved one. Such typify our sincere but proximate hopes.

Life’s disappointments often represent the debris of our failed, proximate hopes. Instead, however, I speak of the crucial need for ultimate hope.

Ultimate hope is a different matter. It is tied to Jesus and the blessings of the great Atonement, blessings resulting in the universal Resurrection and the precious opportunity provided thereby for us to practice emancipating repentance, making possible what the scriptures call “a perfect brightness of hope” (2 Ne. 31:20).

Moroni confirmed: “What is it that ye shall hope for? Behold I say unto you that ye shall have hope through the atonement of Christ” Moro. 7:40–41; see also Alma 27:28). Real hope, therefore, is not associated with things mercurial, but rather with things immortal and eternal!

That is not to say that it is bad to have a measure of hope or desire for things to come.  Desiring good things to come in this life and even in the present isn't a bad thing.  We know that God wants us to be happy.  I know that he wants me to be happy.  But that isn't truly righteous hope.  True hope means having faith in Him, in His sacrifice and trusting in His ability to get me to where I need to be.  If I place my hope, my trust and my faith in the Savior I will never be let down.  I will never be led astray.

It's hard at times.  But I know that it is worth it.

As I was pondering this post it reminded me of a song I used to love.  That I still love but that I just haven't listened to in awhile.  The song is Unanswered Prayers by Garth Brooks.  The chorus rung true then and still does today; 

Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers
Remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs
That just because he doesn't answer doesn't mean he don't care
Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers

I don't know what tomorrow brings, but He does.  I do however know what the eternities can bring.  They will be full of happiness and joy and exaltation because He died for me.  He will always see me through and get me to where I need to be.  I just have to be patient and hope.  Not for my own selfish desires.  Hope in Him.   He is the answer to every problem.  The solution to every equation and the balm to every wound.  He is my everything.

Today I can face Him and hope. 

Learning to Balance the Blessings of Agency with the Pain of Consequences

There is a comedy movie that I used to quite enjoy.  It probably wasn't the most appropriate film so I won't list the name although it is "only" rated PG-13.  In the film there is a character that is forever down on his luck and consequently turns to his many addictions and vices to numb the pain.  He is an alcoholic, a scam artist and a swindler.  Over the course of the film he takes up with an innocent young man who was raised very devout Amish.  Throughout their travels together they get into many shenanigans and do many things that are contrary to the Amish man's beliefs.  Towards the end of the film the addict is called on the carpet for his behavior.  I will never forget his response for as long as I live.  "Don't you know what the Bible says about forgiving people".  "Well it's against it."  In his mind, his friend was a good person who believed in the Bible and in the Savior and thus was obligated to forgive him.

For a very large portion of my life that was my attitude about forgiveness towards those that I hold dearest.  My friends, my family, my wife.  They are good people, they understand that I am an addict, they believe in the Atonement, so they will forgive me and move on.  They are practically obligated to....  Right?

Oh how wrong I was.  I was overlooking half of the equation.  Agency is a gift.  It is the most important thing that was ever debated in the Heavens and led to the War in Heaven.  It was the reason that Satan was eventually cast out of Heaven along with many of our spiritual brothers and sisters.  But agency isn't just the right to choose.  It is also the right to reap the rewards, or consequences and pain, of the decisions we have been given the power to make.

In his beautiful message; The Three R's of Choice, President Thomas S. Monson had this to say about the results of our choices;

Finally...I speak of the results of choice. All of our choices have consequences, some of which have little or nothing to do with our eternal salvation and others of which have everything to do with it.

Whether you wear a green T-shirt or a blue one makes no difference in the long run. However, whether you decide to push a key on your computer which will take you to pornography can make all the difference in your life. You will have just taken a step off the straight, safe path. If a friend pressures you to drink alcohol or to try drugs and you succumb to the pressure, you are taking a detour from which you may not return.

Every choice I make has consequences.  Some of them lead to eternal joy and others lead to much pain and sorrow, both for me and those that I hold dearest.  When faced with the pain and suffering of those consequences there is a natural human tendency to want to avoid it.  It is then that I fall on my knees and beg my Heavenly Father to take away the pain and make it better.

Elder Robert S. Wood of the Seventy described this process in a talk from the Ensign in 2002;

Perhaps the symbolic nature of the second temptation is the least apparent of the three. But on reflection, this temptation points to a tendency to which we all are subject—the tendency to desire some miraculous delivery from the consequences of our actions; to be borne up, if you will, by angels or divine providence, with little effort on our part.

It is a human tendency but is it a helpful one?  Probably not.  While the Savior is ALWAYS there to sustain me and support me and while he always understands the pain I am feeling, taking it away entirely doesn't help me grow.  Elder Wood continues in his message;

Today many people manifest the desire for such a rescue in small and large ways: the student who, having failed to study during the term, prays for assistance in an examination; the teacher who opens a lesson by saying that, having made no preparations, he or she intends to rely on the Spirit; the individual who, having abused his or her body through lack of exercise and violation of the Lord’s law of health, expects to be delivered, sometimes through priesthood administration, from the ravages of self-induced ill health; the drunken or reckless driver who prays for a “second chance”; the individual who, having violated the commands of God or rules of society, expects mercy to utterly suppress the requirements of justice.

The psychologist Erich Fromm called the wish to escape the consequences of one’s actions a desire to escape from freedom. For being free requires being responsible. The very word freedom connotes the ability to judge rationally between alternatives and the willingness to accept the consequences of one’s decisions.

Of course addiction complicates this process because it deprives me of the very ability to make decisions with a sound mind.  M. Russell Ballard of the Quorum of the 12 describes this loss of agency to addiction;

The battle over man’s God-given agency continues today. Satan and his minions have their lures all around us, hoping that we will falter and take his flies so he can reel us in with counterfeit means. He uses addiction to steal away agency. According to the dictionary, addiction of any kind means to surrender to something, thus relinquishing agency and becoming dependent on some life-destroying substance or behavior.

Thus while living in addiction the ability to make sound choices is seriously compromised, but the requirements of justice, the painful consequences, are still in place.

Free agency is a divine gift.  It is one that can bring ultimate joy and Eternal Life.  But it can also bring pain and loss.  Fortunately we know that even when things are worst, there is always hope.  The Savior is always there, no matter how much suffering and pain exists, as long as I, or anyone else who has suffered or will suffer, will turn to him and reach out their hand.

President Monson explains this hope for true healing;

We have all made incorrect choices. If we have not already corrected such choices, I assure you that there is a way to do so. The process is called repentance. I plead with you to correct your mistakes. Our Savior died to provide you and me that blessed gift. Although the path is not easy, the promise is real: “Though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow.” “And I, the Lord, remember them no more.”

What a blessing.  To know that not only can all addicts, including me, be healed of the mistakes and carnage we have created, but the sins can be made white as snow and the Lord will remember them no more.  As for friends, family and loved ones that I have wronged along the way.  I have always found hope from a passage in the LDS ARP manual towards the end of Step 9.  It was shared with me by one of the Missionaries in my group after my last major relapse and it continues to give me hope today;

In taking step 9, you must avoid becoming discouraged if others do not receive your apologies well or if they do not believe you have really changed. Making amends may take time and patience. Give others time to realize that this time is different. This time you are not making empty promises; you are living to receive a complete remission of your addiction and character weaknesses. Eventually, abstinence and changed behavior will speak for themselves.

It is my hope and my prayer that I can better understand the blessing that is agency.  That I can use it in my life.  That I can recognize that living in addiction significantly impacts my ability to make good choices but still requires me to pay the price for those mistakes.  Agency is a gift, but only if I am fully willing to accept the consequences of the choices I make, both good and bad.

Never In This House.

So I had the amazing opportunity tonight to listen to the Step 5 of a brother in recovery.  It reminded me of my own Step 5 experience and allowed me to bear testimony of things that have worked for me in my own recovery as well as discuss potential pitfalls that can occur and have occurred in my life.  I was honored to be a part of it.  Even though it was his Step 5 I felt like I learned so much from him, saw so much of myself in him.  It made me feel connected.  Which reminded me of one of my favorite blog posts of all time when I wrote about the power of connection in recovery.  It was a reminder that I sorely needed as our move 3 months ago has put me hours away from most of the men who have been my support system throughout my recovery.  I still reach out, but I could definitely do more.

But towards the end of it there was another really awesome moment.  I was describing the ruts I used to get in a few years back.  When I would set myself up for failure time and time again.  It was almost always the same time of day, same location and same circumstances.  And as I pictured it a thought popped into my head.  I have never acted out in our new home.  Granted we have only lived here a little over 3 months but after nearly 30 years of struggles there are not too many places I have lived that I haven't acted out.  In fact I would probably have to go back to my mission to find a place that I lived for an extended amount of time that I didn't act out.  It was a tender mercy from the Lord that this remains a safe place.  Where there are no tainted memories of past misdeeds.  Where simply walking into a room will not bring back a trigger or shameful memory of the past.  It made my entire night.