It's been a couple weeks since I have had the opportunity to sit down and write. We absolutely love our new house but the one downside is I no longer have my own desk so my laptop is rarely accessible. It is amazing how quickly I can get out of the habit of writing when my computer isn't out and in sight at all times. Things have been good though. There have definitely been some hard times but also many good times mixed in.
This past holiday weekend was a good one. As I went to go to bed last night I couldn't help but be grateful for all the good in my life. Saturday we were able to have a birthday party for our youngest with both grandmothers in attendance. Then Sunday was a very full day spiritually. My wife and I had the opportunity to speak in church. Then I served as the facilitator in the local ARP meeting and then as the group leader in my Healing Through Christ Men's meeting later on that night. It was a full and wonderful day. I can't ever recall getting as much positive feedback after speaking in church as my wife and I did. We were stopped in the hall numerous times and then a couple times on the street Sunday afternoon as well. It was humbling to hear that my words might have given hope to someone else.
I also realized that I had a couple milestones over the weekend. Saturday was my 6 months of sobriety in terms of my progressive victory over lust. And today marks 11 months since my last serious relapse of viewing and acting out afterwards. It is very humbling to see my distance from my last struggles growing and I know that it is only through the grace of God and the love and support of many that I am where I am today.
I have thought a lot about how I got here. And the one thing I can't help but think is making the biggest difference in my life is service. When I very first met with my Stake President 4-5 months ago and outlined everything that was going on, he challenged me to find ways to serve my family, my community and my fellow man. To get outside myself. Addiction, all addiction, is self serving. It turns me inward towards selfishness and putting my own needs first. So any type of service and putting others first is a wonderful way to break the cycle.
I genuinely enjoy coming home after a long day at work and cooking dinner for my family or doing the dishes. My favorite days off now involve cooking breakfast for my wife and working for a few hours in the lawn. I have also been doing a lot more service in regards to recovery work. I have been facilitating or group leading 2 recovery meetings a week. In addition, tomorrow night we will be filling in for the couple that leads the family support meetings in this area. It is a wonderful experience and has given me great appreciation for the men and women who have given of their time for so many years to organize and serve in the many meetings I have attended. It feels good to give back.
I know that when I am serving others and putting the needs and happiness of those I love above my own that I end up happier as well. I know that I am blessed for my efforts. I recall my former Bishop and good friend telling me a few years back that some days he would get home after a long day of work and be frustrated if things were a mess at home. He told me he had to decide one day. "I can get into a fight with my wife and get into comparisons about who works more and whose turn it is to clean the house or I can just choose to love my wife and serve her and do the dishes." He then testified that he was always happier when he chose to serve. I have found this to be true in my life as well. I know that I am happier and my family relationships are stronger when I choose to serve and love them.
God is good. Life isn't perfect but it is still pretty amazing. I still fall down at times but I know it is worth it to get back up and keep going. So I keep going. One day at a time!
Monday, May 25, 2015
Wednesday, May 6, 2015
The Healing Power of Music
So the past few days have been a bit of a roller coaster. My work schedule has been all over the place. The weather has been crazy and we have had a lot going on as a family. The net result of all of this is I haven't always been getting enough sleep. This can be a paralyzing problem for an addict. Being overly tired can lead to major problems. I have learned this the hard way on may occasions.
Yesterday in particular was tough. I had to be into work at 5AM because one of our employees had knee surgery and we don't have a natural replacement for her. It has been an all-hands-on-decks type situation. So I went in early yesterday to help cover. I also managed to get a severe sunburn and scrape on my back over the weekend so sleep has been difficult. So the combination of not sleeping soundly due to the pain of the sunburn and having to get up a couple hours early and I went to work very tired. I only had to work half a day though so I kept telling myself, it's OK. I'll get a nap later.
Upon returning home I ushered my wife out the door for her day back where we used to live visiting friends, running errands and attending her recovery group in person. So at 11AM I found myself alone with my 4 year old. I was exhausted but I could never quite fall asleep. There was always something that he needed or something that needed take care of at the exact moment that I started to feel myself drift away. Eventually one of my older boys returned home and I asked him to please play with his younger brother so I could nap. Once again the normal disputes and struggles that can occur between brothers kept me from really sleeping. I eventually got up and started dinner.
Dinner then led to homework and cleanup and Boy Scouts and baths. The daily rigors of family life. Nothing major and nothing especially difficult but just one thing after another.
Somewhere in the middle of all this fatigue and stress I started to feel very triggered and tempted. The darkness of addiction started to flow into my consciousness. I have described it in the past as almost like a fog settling in across my mind. I almost didn't notice it at first. I was tired and associated it with just being tired. But looking back now with clarity I can almost pinpoint exactly when it started.
Eventually all the kids were in bed and I laid down. I was tempted to watch Netflix or TV to pass the time but there urges were there and I knew that could quickly lead to be a bad place. I opened my phone and the links that never bother me when I am in a good place were suddenly a huge temptation. It was a minute to minute struggle. I prayed. I read a chapter in the Book of Mormon. But still the fog persisted. I texted my wife and told her I loved her and to be careful driving home and I tried to sleep. The temptations continued in waves. Flowing across my mind. Memories of past misdeeds, things I didn't want to live. It was dark, it was scary and it sucked. I laid in bed and I closed my eyes and I said another prayer. "Heavenly Father I know a lot of this is my fault. I'm tired, I stayed up too late. I made some poor choices, I was human. But I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to feel like this. Help me to learn from it but right now help me just fall asleep because what I need the most right now is just rest and a new day."
I lay there in the silence of my dark bedroom and waited, not really knowing what to expect. Suddenly the thought came to me. "Listen to a Hymn. Music will chase the darkness away." I grabbed my cell phone and fumbled through my music library looking for something, anything that might help when my eyes finally settled on 'Brightly Beams Our Father's Mercy' by The Lower Lights. I hit play and settled down. I soaked in the music and felt my eyes get droopy. The fog slowly started to lift and by the time the song ended I felt at peace. I barely remember even turning off my phone because sleep came so quickly. I woke up this morning refreshed and in a much better place.
It was a wonderful reminder of the power of music. Of the spirit it brings and the peace that comes. It helped what could have been a very bad experience become a learning experience instead. I was grateful that I remembered to pray and even more grateful for the guidance I was given.
One of the things I have learned over the years is that the answer isn't always the same. Sometimes talking to a recovery friend is the answer. Sometimes praying is the answer. But in this instance the solution was the music of the Lord. I just have to be humble enough to recognize I am not where I need to be and ask for help. Hopefully over time I will get better at better at turning to Him. He is always the answer. I just have to get better at asking the question.
Yesterday in particular was tough. I had to be into work at 5AM because one of our employees had knee surgery and we don't have a natural replacement for her. It has been an all-hands-on-decks type situation. So I went in early yesterday to help cover. I also managed to get a severe sunburn and scrape on my back over the weekend so sleep has been difficult. So the combination of not sleeping soundly due to the pain of the sunburn and having to get up a couple hours early and I went to work very tired. I only had to work half a day though so I kept telling myself, it's OK. I'll get a nap later.
Upon returning home I ushered my wife out the door for her day back where we used to live visiting friends, running errands and attending her recovery group in person. So at 11AM I found myself alone with my 4 year old. I was exhausted but I could never quite fall asleep. There was always something that he needed or something that needed take care of at the exact moment that I started to feel myself drift away. Eventually one of my older boys returned home and I asked him to please play with his younger brother so I could nap. Once again the normal disputes and struggles that can occur between brothers kept me from really sleeping. I eventually got up and started dinner.
Dinner then led to homework and cleanup and Boy Scouts and baths. The daily rigors of family life. Nothing major and nothing especially difficult but just one thing after another.
Somewhere in the middle of all this fatigue and stress I started to feel very triggered and tempted. The darkness of addiction started to flow into my consciousness. I have described it in the past as almost like a fog settling in across my mind. I almost didn't notice it at first. I was tired and associated it with just being tired. But looking back now with clarity I can almost pinpoint exactly when it started.
Eventually all the kids were in bed and I laid down. I was tempted to watch Netflix or TV to pass the time but there urges were there and I knew that could quickly lead to be a bad place. I opened my phone and the links that never bother me when I am in a good place were suddenly a huge temptation. It was a minute to minute struggle. I prayed. I read a chapter in the Book of Mormon. But still the fog persisted. I texted my wife and told her I loved her and to be careful driving home and I tried to sleep. The temptations continued in waves. Flowing across my mind. Memories of past misdeeds, things I didn't want to live. It was dark, it was scary and it sucked. I laid in bed and I closed my eyes and I said another prayer. "Heavenly Father I know a lot of this is my fault. I'm tired, I stayed up too late. I made some poor choices, I was human. But I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to feel like this. Help me to learn from it but right now help me just fall asleep because what I need the most right now is just rest and a new day."
I lay there in the silence of my dark bedroom and waited, not really knowing what to expect. Suddenly the thought came to me. "Listen to a Hymn. Music will chase the darkness away." I grabbed my cell phone and fumbled through my music library looking for something, anything that might help when my eyes finally settled on 'Brightly Beams Our Father's Mercy' by The Lower Lights. I hit play and settled down. I soaked in the music and felt my eyes get droopy. The fog slowly started to lift and by the time the song ended I felt at peace. I barely remember even turning off my phone because sleep came so quickly. I woke up this morning refreshed and in a much better place.
It was a wonderful reminder of the power of music. Of the spirit it brings and the peace that comes. It helped what could have been a very bad experience become a learning experience instead. I was grateful that I remembered to pray and even more grateful for the guidance I was given.
One of the things I have learned over the years is that the answer isn't always the same. Sometimes talking to a recovery friend is the answer. Sometimes praying is the answer. But in this instance the solution was the music of the Lord. I just have to be humble enough to recognize I am not where I need to be and ask for help. Hopefully over time I will get better at better at turning to Him. He is always the answer. I just have to get better at asking the question.
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