Milestones and Recognizing Progress

I realized this morning that today makes 3 months of new sobriety.  I had a hard time determining what to do with my sobriety number when all of the changes in my life happened a few months back.  It has been almost 8 months since I last had a serious relapse that led to me acting out.  For a long time I thought that meant this was my sobriety date.  I believed for many years that as long as I didn't completely act out that I was clean.  That was a huge obstacle in my recovery and created many of the problems I am currently battling. 

It took me a long time to realize that.  In fact for awhile I was doing a pretty good job of playing the victim when my wife first expressed to me how she was feeling.  There had been no new discovery or disclosure or "D-Day" as I have heard it called by some people.  That made it hard at first to really understand what was happening and why it was happening.  It was only after some true soul searching and some real honesty with myself that I started to understand a little bit.  It didn't need to be single significant event.  Rather it was years and years of build-up, half efforts and unresolved issues that weighed down on me, on my wife and on our marriage.  There were periods of sobriety and white-knuckling but never a true "progressive victory over lust" as described by Sexaholics Anonymous.  Progressive simply means improvement.  Are things getting better day by day, week by week.  Are habits beginning to change.  Is accountability growing?  Are trust and greater feelings of safety starting to grow and solidify?  All of these things would be signs of true progression.  And the reality is, for a very long time none of these things were really happening.

So I sat down one day and I decided to choose a new sobriety date.  I had a facilitator share with me once early on in recovery that the key to real change is valuing your recovery more than your sobriety.  He said that he tracked his sobriety but started over anytime there was the slightest hint of a slip or stumble.  Because that number wasn't what really mattered.  It was the change taking place in his heart that signified true recovery.  So with that in mind I sat down one night and I thought about myself and my life.  I tried to think of the furthest date back that I could be 100% sure that I hadn't given into lust or fantasy.  That I hadn't brought those feelings into my marriage, into my home.  It was hard but I wanted a number I could feel good about.  I ultimately settled on November 23rd 2014.  Now it's possible it could be more than that.  I just don't know.  And like that brother who was such an example to me, I want my recovery to mean more to me than my sobriety.  It has to, because that is how real change occurs.

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As I look back at the last 3 months I can't help but be immensely grateful.  So much good has happened in my life.  The hand of the Lord is so evident in my life and and the lives of my family.  It is hard sometimes in the moment to see progress as it happens.  Especially when things seem particularly dark and hopeless.  One of the wonderful things about milestones isn't to gloat in the achievement but to look back with gratitude at the change the Lord is working in my life.  He wants me to be happy.  He wants me to be whole.  He wants me to understand how valuable and special I really am.  He is there.  He is always there.  His hand is always outstretched when I need someone to cling to, to comfort me, to hold my hand and hug me when I am down.  I matter to Him.  I will always matter to Him.  And as long as I remember that, I will always be okay.