Trials, Tender Mercies and Emotions... What does it all mean?

It's been an amazing but emotional few days.  First the wonderful news.  I met with my Stake President on Wednesday and I get to begin taking the sacrament again.  It was an amazing meeting with an amazing man.  He was encouraging, honest and real.  Yes, I am on the right path but I need to stay on it because there is still much to do.  Taking the sacrament and really truly being cleansed of the things I did in the past but had neglected to confess is such an amazing thought.  To think that as I partake this coming Sunday and feel the Atonement wash over me and cleanse me.  To know that the Lord has not only forgiven, but will forget the mistakes I have made.  It's such a powerful thought. 

There were also 2 major tender mercies that have happened lately.  First off.  We had to go into quite a bit of debt to make Christmas happen for our boys.  We were so desperate to make it wonderful because we didn't know if it would be the last one as a family and we were trying our best to hide the trauma and drama from our kids.  So we have been in a bit of a financial rut lately.  We have tried our best to pay our tithing and fast offerings these past couple months since Christmas even when we knew the money wouldn't stretch to cover everything.  So it was quite a pleasant surprise and an amazing tender mercy the other morning when we woke up and realized that there was an additional $600 in our bank account.  My wife was awarded an additional $600 in financial aid from school and her tuition and books were already bought and paid for so it just amounted to extra money.  I know it was a blessing from above.  The timing, the circumstances, the confirmation of the Spirit as I realized what was happening.  It was awesome.

Secondly, we are currently have a lease on our house until the end of March.  We knew moving was a probability but weren't overly focused on it.  For a time we weren't even sure if we would be moving together or if I would be getting a separate place.  So the other day the realtor that manages the house we lease called us out of the blue to ask about our long term plans.  The owners would like to put the house up for sale at the end of the lease but were hoping we would continue to live here so they could work towards selling it while still getting the monthly payments.  We weren't on board with that at all.  We don't want people traipsing through the house on a weekly basis and we certainly don't want to find out 3 months down the road that we have 3 weeks to vacate the premises.  So we went down today and met with her in person to discuss our options.  I went in thinking it was purely an exploratory meeting.  A "keep an eye out for places in the coming weeks" type of deal.  But the Lord had so much more in store for us.  While we were there she mentioned offhand that she has some family friends that have a rental house that will be open in early March.  They are LDS and would love a great family to live there.  They live 2 doors down so not only do they want someone to take care of their rental but they want good neighbors.  Upon discussion we find out that not only is the house only a few blocks away from our current place and in our same ward, but it was a house that we actually looked at last August when we first moved here and were interested in.  We passed at the time because they were still up in the air about selling and were only willing to offer a 6 month lease at best. 

So she picks up the phone and calls him while we are sitting in her office.  He immediately tells her on the phone that he knows who I am and that he has "heard good things about me."  Before we know it we have an afternoon appointment to meet them and discuss their house.  So we show up at their house and his wife knows our 4 year old, Aaron and my wife from primary but they haven't been at church lately because he was called to be the Branch President at the local jail.  We hit it off amazingly with them and connect on so many levels.  Before we know it they are overjoyed to offer us a 1 year lease with terms that will be perfect for us.  They are even willing to hold the house for a few weeks since our move out day at our current place is a few weeks off when their place becomes available.  Not only that but they are wonderful people. 

So all these chips are falling into place.  Our finances are shaping up, the Lord has provided us a beautiful home to move into where we can continue working with the same Bishop and Stake President and our boys will stay in the same ward, be close to their friends etc.  It all went down in less than 24 hours time.  A huge upcoming stress was just removed from my mind.  Factoring in the financial blessings and in less than 3 days time, 2 enormous issues were removed from my plate.  Undeniable, wonderful tender mercies from a loving Heavenly Father.

So why the emotional struggle?  Well for starters, Satan knows.  He knows things are evening out.  He knows bonds are forming.  He knows progress is being made and most importantly, he knows I have the opportunity to take the sacrament this week.  He wants to stop all those things from happening.  So what does he do?  He bombards my family with fear.  A few of the doozies I have had pop into my head in the last couple days?

• Why are you signing a 1 year lease when you have no idea if your wife will want to be with you in a year?
• How can you keep being open, honest and vulnerable when you aren't getting that same level of vulnerability in return? Your heart can only take so much?
• Isn't it perfect that the house has 5 bedrooms since your wife will never let you back into the bedroom with her?
• Isn't it going to suck when the ward comes over to help you move and all your stuff is in a separate room at your current place and then gets moved into a separate room at the new place?  What are they going to think of you? 

Fear sucks.  It really does.  It derails progress and creates anxiety that isn't real.  And for me, the best way to counteract it is to shout it from the rooftops.  When I break out of isolation and share my fears with the world, no matter how vulnerable or scary they might be, the power is gone.  Satan works in isolation.  When I break the isolation, I share the burden, I break the power.

So here is what I know about my current situation.

1. I am worthy the take the sacrament.  I worked through the process and I can now in full conscience take the sacrament and feel it cleanse me.  I get to start with a clean slate with my Heavenly Father on Sunday.
2. Enormous progress has been made in my family.  Love and trust is growing.  Happiness exists.  Bonds are being formed.
3. The Lord is mindful of the present and the future of my family.  He wouldn't be moving things into place for us to remain together if He didn't believe it was the right thing for us and if there wasn't hope for us. 
4. The Scriptures teach in Romans 8:28 that; And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God 

 All of these feelings, experiences and emotions are working together for my good.  That doesn't mean they aren't difficult and that the Lord's timeline and my wife's timeline might look different than mine.  It just means there is more to learn.  For all of us.  There is more opportunity for growth, more chances for gratitude and more time for eternal bonds of love to be nurtured. 

God is good.  Addiction sucks but God is better.  Marriage problems are hard but God is stronger.  Emotional days are draining but my Savior never get tired of sustaining me.  He is always the answer.  He is the great physician and there is no wound He can't heal.  I just have to get out of the way and let Him keep working on.