So I had the amazing opportunity tonight to listen to the Step 5 of a brother in recovery. It reminded me of my own Step 5 experience and allowed me to bear testimony of things that have worked for me in my own recovery as well as discuss potential pitfalls that can occur and have occurred in my life. I was honored to be a part of it. Even though it was his Step 5 I felt like I learned so much from him, saw so much of myself in him. It made me feel connected. Which reminded me of one of my favorite blog posts of all time when I wrote about the power of connection in recovery. It was a reminder that I sorely needed as our move 3 months ago has put me hours away from most of the men who have been my support system throughout my recovery. I still reach out, but I could definitely do more.
But towards the end of it there was another really awesome moment. I was describing the ruts I used to get in a few years back. When I would set myself up for failure time and time again. It was almost always the same time of day, same location and same circumstances. And as I pictured it a thought popped into my head. I have never acted out in our new home. Granted we have only lived here a little over 3 months but after nearly 30 years of struggles there are not too many places I have lived that I haven't acted out. In fact I would probably have to go back to my mission to find a place that I lived for an extended amount of time that I didn't act out. It was a tender mercy from the Lord that this remains a safe place. Where there are no tainted memories of past misdeeds. Where simply walking into a room will not bring back a trigger or shameful memory of the past. It made my entire night.
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
Sunday, November 23, 2014
It's Okay To Have Scars
So recently, I was sitting in a 12 Step meeting and someone was sharing about the importance of vulnerability. It kind of got the wheels in my head spinning and I have been mulling over the idea for quite a while. What actually led to all this was a thought that popped into my head when pondering over the numerous scriptural references to the Savior appearing after his resurrection and showing his scars to those he interacted with. Why did he do this? Why was this repeatedly one of the first things he would do when meeting up with the people he encountered? As I sat there soaking in the Spirit of the meeting I suddenly heard the Spirit whisper quietly to me; "Has it occurred to you that maybe part of the reason the Savior showed his scars was to let us know, all of us, that it's okay to have scars? That even he, the greatest to ever walk the earth, has scars. And he's not afraid of them, he's not ashamed of them and he certainly isn't defined by them?"
What a concept. I was elated and confused all at the same time. So I decided to do some research on the subject.
The obvious answer is the simple one. He wanted them to really know who he was. That he was the God of the Old Testament and the man who had been crucified as described in the Bible. I couldn't help but wonder if there was more to it. Not to mention that we have been told that upon resurrection that our bodies will be completely restored. Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the 12 has taught;
Additionally, teaching manuals published by the LDS Church describe it as an immortal and perfect body;
So why wasn't the Savior restored to his "perfect and proper frame? Why was it so important that his scars be visible for all to see? Ponder that for a moment.
While researching this concept I became aware of an ancient Japanese method of pottery repair called kintsugi. It was a method of repairing priceless pieces of broken pottery that were irreplaceable. Kintsugi was a method where rather than try to piece the broken item back together and hide its flaws, the flaws were instead filled in with lacquer or resin and then dusted with real gold or silver to make the imperfection the focus of the entire piece. They were literally illuminating the scars and flaws of these broken pieces of art.
I feel as if he is saying; It's okay to have scars. I have them, look at them, touch them, learn from them. He isn't ashamed, he isn't embarrassed, he isn't less important, and he certainly isn't broken. He is stronger, and gives hope to so many because he can honestly say; Look at me. I have scars too, I understand.
It's okay to have scars. I don't have to hide them or allow them to define me. I feel at times like the world has become a Scarlet Letter society of sorts. Where people are valued, measured and tossed aside because of their biggest mistakes, their biggest flaws or the worst things that were done to them. So many addicts and those who have had their lives affected by the addiction of another have come to identify themselves by their addiction or the addiction of their loved one. Those realities, those scars have become the way that they see themselves, that others see them. I encounter it every day. That guy is a druggie, a pervert, a junkie. That woman was abused, beaten, and broken. That kid comes from a broken home, he's not normal, he's been through too much...
Why do we choose to define ourselves, and others, by the worst moments of their lives? When I see the Savior again, when I see those scars on his hands, will my reaction be revulsion? "Oh my gosh look at that guy. What happened to him?" Of course not. So why do I see myself that way? Why do I fear that others see me that way? What do I at times see others that way?
We aren't defined by our past. It's okay to have scars. It's okay to be broken, because we all have access to the one that can put us back together again. The one who will dust our scars with gold and make them beautiful instead of terrifying. That will show us how to use our scars to bring hope to so many others if we can shake of the shackles and shame of carrying them.
President Utchdorf summed up my thoughts perfectly in his amazing message, The Merciful Obtain Mercy;
Everyone has scars, even the only perfect man who ever lived. He wasn't afraid of who he was, of the things that had been done to him, of the marks he bore. So why are we? We shouldn't be. Embrace your scars, embrace your humanity and be vulnerable.
It's okay to be broken and put back together.
What a concept. I was elated and confused all at the same time. So I decided to do some research on the subject.
The obvious answer is the simple one. He wanted them to really know who he was. That he was the God of the Old Testament and the man who had been crucified as described in the Bible. I couldn't help but wonder if there was more to it. Not to mention that we have been told that upon resurrection that our bodies will be completely restored. Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the 12 has taught;
What a comfort to know that all who have been disadvantaged in life from birth defects, from mortal injuries, from disease, or from the natural deterioration of old age will be resurrected in “proper and perfect frame.”
Additionally, teaching manuals published by the LDS Church describe it as an immortal and perfect body;
In the resurrection, the spirit and the body will be joined together again. Even though the body has decayed and become dust while it was in the grave, it will become an immortal and perfect body.
So why wasn't the Savior restored to his "perfect and proper frame? Why was it so important that his scars be visible for all to see? Ponder that for a moment.
While researching this concept I became aware of an ancient Japanese method of pottery repair called kintsugi. It was a method of repairing priceless pieces of broken pottery that were irreplaceable. Kintsugi was a method where rather than try to piece the broken item back together and hide its flaws, the flaws were instead filled in with lacquer or resin and then dusted with real gold or silver to make the imperfection the focus of the entire piece. They were literally illuminating the scars and flaws of these broken pieces of art.
Strangely enough, for a period of time these kintsugi pieces of pottery became so popular that people actually began shattering pieces of art intentionally so that they could be repaired and displayed with flaws and scars visible for the world to see. What an amazing concept. The items that were broken and put back together were more sought after than the flawless pieces. It was like true vulnerability in art.
Another "wow" moment for me. Could scars actually increase the value of something? Could difficult life experiences, mistakes and wrongs that were committed but then slowly and meticulously repaired actually make me stronger and more beautiful?
Upon doing some more research I found my answer. In a Book of Mormon Study guide for 3 Nephi 11 where the Savior's appearance is detailed; Elder Holland spells out the concept wonderfully and beautifully;
What a beautiful and amazing concept. I especially love the line that says; "It is a significant and hopeful fact that it is the wounded Christ who comes to our rescue. He who bears the scars of sacrifice, the lessons of love, the emblems of humility and forgiveness is the Captain of our Soul."“Even though the power of the Resurrection could have—and undoubtedly one day will have—completely restored and made new the wounds from the crucifixion, nevertheless Christ chose to retain those wounds for a purpose, including for his appearance in the last days when he will show those marks and reveal that he was wounded ‘in the house of his friends’.“The wounds in his hands, feet, and side are signs that in mortality painful things happen even to the pure and the perfect, signs that tribulation is not evidence that God does not love us. It is a significant and hopeful fact that it is the wounded Christ who comes to our rescue. He who bears the scars of sacrifice, the lesions of love, the emblems of humility and forgiveness is the Captain of our Soul. That evidence of pain in mortality is undoubtedly intended to give courage to others who are also hurt and wounded by life, perhaps even in the house of their friends”
I feel as if he is saying; It's okay to have scars. I have them, look at them, touch them, learn from them. He isn't ashamed, he isn't embarrassed, he isn't less important, and he certainly isn't broken. He is stronger, and gives hope to so many because he can honestly say; Look at me. I have scars too, I understand.
It's okay to have scars. I don't have to hide them or allow them to define me. I feel at times like the world has become a Scarlet Letter society of sorts. Where people are valued, measured and tossed aside because of their biggest mistakes, their biggest flaws or the worst things that were done to them. So many addicts and those who have had their lives affected by the addiction of another have come to identify themselves by their addiction or the addiction of their loved one. Those realities, those scars have become the way that they see themselves, that others see them. I encounter it every day. That guy is a druggie, a pervert, a junkie. That woman was abused, beaten, and broken. That kid comes from a broken home, he's not normal, he's been through too much...
Why do we choose to define ourselves, and others, by the worst moments of their lives? When I see the Savior again, when I see those scars on his hands, will my reaction be revulsion? "Oh my gosh look at that guy. What happened to him?" Of course not. So why do I see myself that way? Why do I fear that others see me that way? What do I at times see others that way?
We aren't defined by our past. It's okay to have scars. It's okay to be broken, because we all have access to the one that can put us back together again. The one who will dust our scars with gold and make them beautiful instead of terrifying. That will show us how to use our scars to bring hope to so many others if we can shake of the shackles and shame of carrying them.
President Utchdorf summed up my thoughts perfectly in his amazing message, The Merciful Obtain Mercy;
We must recognize that we are all imperfect—that we are beggars before God. Haven’t we all, at one time or another, meekly approached the mercy seat and pleaded for grace? Haven’t we wished with all the energy of our souls for mercy—to be forgiven for the mistakes we have made and the sins we have committed?
Everyone has scars, even the only perfect man who ever lived. He wasn't afraid of who he was, of the things that had been done to him, of the marks he bore. So why are we? We shouldn't be. Embrace your scars, embrace your humanity and be vulnerable.
It's okay to be broken and put back together.
Thursday, June 26, 2014
Learning From Past Mistakes to Overcome Current Trials
So it has been a whirlwind few months. Life has been mostly good but also challenging. I was recently promoted at work and told I would be re-locating which led to my family and I breaking the lease on our current place and giving notice in preparation to move to the new area. Then, 2 weeks before we were to vacate our place, I received word that things had changed. I would still be getting the promotion but they weren't sure yet what location I would end up at. Just to continue with my training program until August and things would work out.
That was fine, other than the fact that we had to move out in 2 weeks and now didn't know the destination where we would need to try to find a new home. Ultimately my wife ended up going north to spend some time with her Mom and I ended up at my parents by myself. All my routines were thrown out the window. It has been quite a trial being separated from my family and not having my own space.
So I have been here about 10 days now and I had been doing okay. Not great but okay. Then yesterday I ran into some temptations that were bigger than me and I ended up slipping. It sucks really bad. The worst part is I look back and see so many things I could have done to prevent it. I have wavered between emotional mess and extremely angry since it happened but then woke up at 5 AM this morning with a great deal of clarity.
My history of addiction is to hide, hide, hide. I was never willing to be humble in the moment and say, "I screwed up and I'm sorry". I was always too prideful, too embarrassed and too afraid. So in the aftermath of the slip I felt those feelings begin to creep in. My wife is out of town, I won't see her for a few weeks. It was built in avoidance and concealment. I also don't really have a Bishop right now. We made arrangements to leave our records in our last ward until we move but I am not currently living there so its not like I am seeing that Bishop all the time. I could feel the little wheels turning in my head as Satan tried to guide me further down the path of no return.
But I can't. I won't go there again. I may be a slow learner but I do learn. Hiding slips and allowing them to become relapses and strings of lies only makes little problems into massive ones. A slip-up means I'm human, hiding and running from it would only mean that I am stupid. So here I am. I am battered but not broken. I draw much strength from the wisdom of President Uchtdorf from his talk Four Titles, given in April 2013;
I draw great strength and hope from knowing that my Father in Heaven never asked me to be perfect. He only asked me to to be honest and keep trying. The best part is that thanks to my previous efforts and trials, I know exactly what I need to do. Trials are hard, they cause pain and anguish and can often derail us. But they also prepare us for the future. I have been down the wrong road enough times to know what lies at the end of it. I have often been one that has to learn the hard way, but I am very grateful for those experiences because they have prepared me for this moment. I know what road I need to take. And for that I am truly grateful.
~~~ Humbly yours
Tim
That was fine, other than the fact that we had to move out in 2 weeks and now didn't know the destination where we would need to try to find a new home. Ultimately my wife ended up going north to spend some time with her Mom and I ended up at my parents by myself. All my routines were thrown out the window. It has been quite a trial being separated from my family and not having my own space.
So I have been here about 10 days now and I had been doing okay. Not great but okay. Then yesterday I ran into some temptations that were bigger than me and I ended up slipping. It sucks really bad. The worst part is I look back and see so many things I could have done to prevent it. I have wavered between emotional mess and extremely angry since it happened but then woke up at 5 AM this morning with a great deal of clarity.
My history of addiction is to hide, hide, hide. I was never willing to be humble in the moment and say, "I screwed up and I'm sorry". I was always too prideful, too embarrassed and too afraid. So in the aftermath of the slip I felt those feelings begin to creep in. My wife is out of town, I won't see her for a few weeks. It was built in avoidance and concealment. I also don't really have a Bishop right now. We made arrangements to leave our records in our last ward until we move but I am not currently living there so its not like I am seeing that Bishop all the time. I could feel the little wheels turning in my head as Satan tried to guide me further down the path of no return.
But I can't. I won't go there again. I may be a slow learner but I do learn. Hiding slips and allowing them to become relapses and strings of lies only makes little problems into massive ones. A slip-up means I'm human, hiding and running from it would only mean that I am stupid. So here I am. I am battered but not broken. I draw much strength from the wisdom of President Uchtdorf from his talk Four Titles, given in April 2013;
"I believe in a Heavenly Father who is loving and caring and who rejoices in our every effort to stand tall and walk toward Him. Even when we stumble, He urges us not to be discouraged—never to give up or flee our allotted field of service—but to take courage, find our faith, and keep trying."
I draw great strength and hope from knowing that my Father in Heaven never asked me to be perfect. He only asked me to to be honest and keep trying. The best part is that thanks to my previous efforts and trials, I know exactly what I need to do. Trials are hard, they cause pain and anguish and can often derail us. But they also prepare us for the future. I have been down the wrong road enough times to know what lies at the end of it. I have often been one that has to learn the hard way, but I am very grateful for those experiences because they have prepared me for this moment. I know what road I need to take. And for that I am truly grateful.
~~~ Humbly yours
Tim
Monday, March 10, 2014
The Blessings of Sponsorship
It feels like it has been forever since I have written anything. I suppose it is time to get back on the horse as the saying goes. I have had a lot of ideas bouncing around my brain lately but the one that has really stood out is the blessings that come from sponsorship. I believe this to be a 2 way blessing. Obviously there is great support and much to be gained from having a sponsor, but as I am learning, there are just as many blessings to be found from being a sponsor!
I have been in recovery for over 4 years and during that period of time I have had guys talk to me about supporting them on numerous occasions. This led to me forming many great contacts and as I have written about in the past, has become a huge part of my recovery. But during that time I had never served as some one's formal sponsor to help guide them through the steps.... Until recently. A lot of it stemmed from self doubt. I was happy to take a call, send a text or share a quote or scripture, but I certainly wasn't knowledgeable or spiritual enough to actually guide someone through the steps and call them out when they were straying off track... Was I?
Every week when they would ask in my weekly meeting for those willing to sponsor to raise their hands, I would decline. I had plenty of excuses at the ready; "I'm not new to recovery but I'm new to this group.", "I've never been a sponsor before so who would want to be my first?", "My life and marriage are still far from perfect, I'm certainly not the one to give someone else advice.".
Well after talking to a couple friends in recovery who have sponsored, as well as my wife who has sponsored numerous sisters, I decided I would raise my hand when asked, assuming of course that no one ever would. The Lord had other ideas. The very first week that I raised my hand as being willing to sponsor, two different brothers came over after the meeting and asked if I would sponsor them. I was humbled and more than a little bit shocked, but I agreed. We exchanged numbers, I explained my sometimes difficult work schedule and we were off.
Then something magical happened. I suddenly found myself diving into the early steps trying to remember what had worked for me so that I could try to pass it along to these brothers on their journey. I spent time meditating and pondering over my own recovery. I prayed for these good men. My dailies were suddenly amazing. I took calls, sent texts and spent big chunks of my day talking about recovery and researching assignments and thoughts to share. It filled me with a wonderful spirit.
That's not to say it is all roses. Sponsorship, both sides of it, takes time and commitment. It means being willing to make time in your day for regular check-ins, to pause that game you are playing with your wife and take a call or take an unscheduled break at work to try to find a quote or scripture that might provide some guidance or hope. But through it all I could feel the Spirit prompting my words and efforts and I felt so strengthened in my own recovery efforts.
It also filled me with gratitude for the great men who have sponsored and supported me over the years and the time they had surely put in to be a resource and and help to me when I was at my lowest. Above all, it strengthened my testimony that 12-Step does work. The Lord is always at the helm but he needs all of us to see his plan through. It becomes a never-ending circle of hope. We get love and support in our early days and then when we have a little strength we share it with someone else.
Sponsorship is such an integral part of any 12-Step program. It is an amazing blessing to both serve as a sponsor and to have a sponsor guiding our recovery efforts. The SA White Book explains the importance of forming these relationships;
There are many tools to recovery but probably none more important then forming connection with others who have walked that path or are currently walking it. The Lord is in charge but he needs us to do our part as beautifully put in the Hymn, Brightly Beams Our Father's Mercy,
We can all be lower lights for one another and when we do we all get stronger together!
Thanks for reading!
~~~ Tim
I have been in recovery for over 4 years and during that period of time I have had guys talk to me about supporting them on numerous occasions. This led to me forming many great contacts and as I have written about in the past, has become a huge part of my recovery. But during that time I had never served as some one's formal sponsor to help guide them through the steps.... Until recently. A lot of it stemmed from self doubt. I was happy to take a call, send a text or share a quote or scripture, but I certainly wasn't knowledgeable or spiritual enough to actually guide someone through the steps and call them out when they were straying off track... Was I?
Every week when they would ask in my weekly meeting for those willing to sponsor to raise their hands, I would decline. I had plenty of excuses at the ready; "I'm not new to recovery but I'm new to this group.", "I've never been a sponsor before so who would want to be my first?", "My life and marriage are still far from perfect, I'm certainly not the one to give someone else advice.".
Well after talking to a couple friends in recovery who have sponsored, as well as my wife who has sponsored numerous sisters, I decided I would raise my hand when asked, assuming of course that no one ever would. The Lord had other ideas. The very first week that I raised my hand as being willing to sponsor, two different brothers came over after the meeting and asked if I would sponsor them. I was humbled and more than a little bit shocked, but I agreed. We exchanged numbers, I explained my sometimes difficult work schedule and we were off.
Then something magical happened. I suddenly found myself diving into the early steps trying to remember what had worked for me so that I could try to pass it along to these brothers on their journey. I spent time meditating and pondering over my own recovery. I prayed for these good men. My dailies were suddenly amazing. I took calls, sent texts and spent big chunks of my day talking about recovery and researching assignments and thoughts to share. It filled me with a wonderful spirit.
That's not to say it is all roses. Sponsorship, both sides of it, takes time and commitment. It means being willing to make time in your day for regular check-ins, to pause that game you are playing with your wife and take a call or take an unscheduled break at work to try to find a quote or scripture that might provide some guidance or hope. But through it all I could feel the Spirit prompting my words and efforts and I felt so strengthened in my own recovery efforts.
It also filled me with gratitude for the great men who have sponsored and supported me over the years and the time they had surely put in to be a resource and and help to me when I was at my lowest. Above all, it strengthened my testimony that 12-Step does work. The Lord is always at the helm but he needs all of us to see his plan through. It becomes a never-ending circle of hope. We get love and support in our early days and then when we have a little strength we share it with someone else.
Sponsorship is such an integral part of any 12-Step program. It is an amazing blessing to both serve as a sponsor and to have a sponsor guiding our recovery efforts. The SA White Book explains the importance of forming these relationships;
For most of us, without associating in some way with other recovering individuals there is no lasting sobriety and none of the fringe benefits of recovery, growth, freedom, and joy...
There are many tools to recovery but probably none more important then forming connection with others who have walked that path or are currently walking it. The Lord is in charge but he needs us to do our part as beautifully put in the Hymn, Brightly Beams Our Father's Mercy,
Brightly beams our Father's mercy. From his lighthouse evermore, But to us he gives the keeping of the lights along the shore.
We can all be lower lights for one another and when we do we all get stronger together!
Thanks for reading!
~~~ Tim
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Looking Back
In recovery we often hear about the importance of looking forward, focusing on the future. For the most part I think that is very important to success. I do think however, that there is much to be gained from occasionally looking back. Not to focus on past negatives, but to see how far we've come.
Today is my one year anniversary of clean living. It is also the one year anniversary of one of the darkest periods in my life. Much has changed, but sometimes I wonder if they have changed as much as I would like, or as much as I have hoped. As I think about how far I have come. I can't help but be grateful. It is so easy to focus on the negative and the broken, despite having a life full of so much that is good. I am reminded of a quote from Abraham Lincoln on this subject;
"We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses."
— Abraham Lincoln
It is such a simple concept, but one I am not very good at. Seeing the good in things, in situations, in circumstances, even in myself.
When I look back at a year ago, it is easy to see how far I have come. For the first time in over 3 years of recovery I have been engaged in working the steps. I hear people in 12 step meetings ask all the time how people do it. In my SA meeting, when you reach a sobriety milestone, after your chip is awarded they will ask you to talk a little about how you have done it.
I have thought about that quite a bit as I approach this milestone. I think the simple answer is; I actually work the steps. That's not to say I didn't before and that certainly doesn't mean I am perfect at it now. That isn't to say I never had success before either. Heck, I even had a one year period of sobriety once before. But I wasn't really engaged. I was going through the motions. I had to look in the mirror and own the reality that despite 3 years of attending recovery meetings I was still working on Steps 4 and 5. It might have been more accurate to say that I was pretending to work Steps 4 and 5. I started over on Step 1 after my last slip and I am now finishing up Step 9. I had actually set a goal to finish the 12 steps in one year and I am not going to achieve that, but I feel good about that. I was ready to wrap up Step 9 but I realized there were still a couple people to think about and pray about.
There is a saying in AA and SA circles that;
It works if you work it, so work it, you're worth it.
It's the simple truth. It works if I work it.
Thanks for listening.
Here is to many more years of recovery!
Monday, January 27, 2014
Progressive Victory
After many years of being heavily involved in the LDS ARP program and working with their manual and materials, I have recently been attending an SA meeting. It has been nice to broaden my horizons a little. In recovery, I am of the opinion that the more material and knowledge I can get my hands on, the better. That allows me to take bits and pieces from different ideas and concepts and find what works well for me. We are especially lucky in this area in that there is an SA meeting specifically for LDS people. In general AA, NA or SA meetings, we typically refer simply to our "higher power" as we define him. This encompasses people of all religions and creeds and doesn't exclude anyone. It is a great concept but I prefer being able to talk directly about my relationship with the Savior without having to be careful how I refer to him.
Of the many things I have learned since starting to attend SA and starting to utlize the SA White Book as a resource, the one I love the most is the concept of progressive victory. SA defines sobriety as "no sex with self, no sex outside of marriage and progressive victory over lust." I love this concept because it teaches us from the very beginning that this is a process. That I am not simply going to wake up one day and NOT be an addict anymore. There is no finish line, other than in the next life when I am enveloped in my Savior's arms. The goal in SA, much like the LDS concept of enduring to the end, is simply to be better today than yesterday, to be going in the right direction and on the right path. Does progressive victory mean lust-free? At times, sure, but not all the time. I am still an imperfect being. I am still going to have triggers and weak moments and trials. The goal is to honestly look at myself on a regular basis and ask if I am doing better today than yesterday, than last week.
It is so easy in addiction and recovery to get sucked into the concept of an end game. Every addict I know has had those mental conversations at times. What will it be like when I am not an addict? When I have 10 years of clean living? When I don't have to attend these meetings anymore? We expend so much energy on it. One of the downsides to living in an instant access society is that we have all been programmed to expect instant results. We can Google it, Facebook it, Instagram it and the entire world knows immediately. Sometimes it is easy to think in those terms with addiction. But I have struggled with this addiction for over 20 years. I can't undo a mess 20 years in the making, with a few months of hard work. It is a process. It is always interesting to me to rub shoulders with folks that have many years of sobriety. To hear them talk about how they do it. The common thread in their testimonies is that they still do it. They are still involved and engaged even with many years of clean living. I think it is safe to assume that they reason they have many years of sobriety is because they keep at it. They are still progressing.
I am struggling to put into words what I am feeling in my heart but I think this is such a powerful concept. Recovery truly was meant to be lived one day at a time. If at the end of the day I can honestly say that I avoided major pitfalls, connected with friends and brothers in recovery and was a little bit better today than yesterday, then I know I am on the right path.
~~~ Tim
Of the many things I have learned since starting to attend SA and starting to utlize the SA White Book as a resource, the one I love the most is the concept of progressive victory. SA defines sobriety as "no sex with self, no sex outside of marriage and progressive victory over lust." I love this concept because it teaches us from the very beginning that this is a process. That I am not simply going to wake up one day and NOT be an addict anymore. There is no finish line, other than in the next life when I am enveloped in my Savior's arms. The goal in SA, much like the LDS concept of enduring to the end, is simply to be better today than yesterday, to be going in the right direction and on the right path. Does progressive victory mean lust-free? At times, sure, but not all the time. I am still an imperfect being. I am still going to have triggers and weak moments and trials. The goal is to honestly look at myself on a regular basis and ask if I am doing better today than yesterday, than last week.
It is so easy in addiction and recovery to get sucked into the concept of an end game. Every addict I know has had those mental conversations at times. What will it be like when I am not an addict? When I have 10 years of clean living? When I don't have to attend these meetings anymore? We expend so much energy on it. One of the downsides to living in an instant access society is that we have all been programmed to expect instant results. We can Google it, Facebook it, Instagram it and the entire world knows immediately. Sometimes it is easy to think in those terms with addiction. But I have struggled with this addiction for over 20 years. I can't undo a mess 20 years in the making, with a few months of hard work. It is a process. It is always interesting to me to rub shoulders with folks that have many years of sobriety. To hear them talk about how they do it. The common thread in their testimonies is that they still do it. They are still involved and engaged even with many years of clean living. I think it is safe to assume that they reason they have many years of sobriety is because they keep at it. They are still progressing.
I am struggling to put into words what I am feeling in my heart but I think this is such a powerful concept. Recovery truly was meant to be lived one day at a time. If at the end of the day I can honestly say that I avoided major pitfalls, connected with friends and brothers in recovery and was a little bit better today than yesterday, then I know I am on the right path.
~~~ Tim
Thursday, January 9, 2014
My jumble of thoughts about patience.
I figured it was time to get back on the horse. I enjoyed some extra time off during the holiday window and it was wonderful. I actually had 2 consecutive weeks with 2 full days off, which to many of you might seem like a normal week, but I typically work at least 6 and occasionally 7 days a week. So it was a nice break.
I feel like my thoughts are really jumbled right now. I have really been struggling lately with patience. As I continue to build more sobriety, and I just passed the 11 month mark, there is a selfish part of me that just wants things "fixed". Fixed, in my selfish mind would mean a return somehow the way things were before. Trust, stability, financial security etc. I realize that isn't how things work and I realize that the Lord has other things in store for me. I know that I shouldn't waste energy looking back, but I'm human and some days I get stuck there.
One of the scariest places to be is in "what-if land". What if I hadn't done this, where would my life be today? What if this trial were just magically taken from me? What if the trust and respect of those I wronged could just be instantly restored. Wouldn't life be grand? It is a scary place. One that I don't want to spend too much time. I hope that by being open and honest about it that it will help to get me unstuck.
One thing that gives me hope and perspective is something that was shared with me by a good friend right after my last relapse. He could tell that I was in a bad place and so he opened his LDS ARP manual and flipped to a page and showed me a quote. It is at the very end of the action steps portion of Step 9 and it says simply;
I think this quote can apply to circumstances as well as relationships. It just takes time. One thing I often have to remind myself is that I struggled with my addiction for over 25 years, the affects of it can't be completely undone after a few months of change. Patience and trust in the Lord really is a big part of the process. Trusting not only that he can change me, but trusting his timeline and trusting that there are lessons and growth opportunities along the way.
In closing I just wanted to share one of my all-time favorite quotes from President Utchdorf. It definitely applies to my current circumstances and hopefully it will bring light to some of you as well;
Thanks for listening!
~~~ Tim
I feel like my thoughts are really jumbled right now. I have really been struggling lately with patience. As I continue to build more sobriety, and I just passed the 11 month mark, there is a selfish part of me that just wants things "fixed". Fixed, in my selfish mind would mean a return somehow the way things were before. Trust, stability, financial security etc. I realize that isn't how things work and I realize that the Lord has other things in store for me. I know that I shouldn't waste energy looking back, but I'm human and some days I get stuck there.
One of the scariest places to be is in "what-if land". What if I hadn't done this, where would my life be today? What if this trial were just magically taken from me? What if the trust and respect of those I wronged could just be instantly restored. Wouldn't life be grand? It is a scary place. One that I don't want to spend too much time. I hope that by being open and honest about it that it will help to get me unstuck.
One thing that gives me hope and perspective is something that was shared with me by a good friend right after my last relapse. He could tell that I was in a bad place and so he opened his LDS ARP manual and flipped to a page and showed me a quote. It is at the very end of the action steps portion of Step 9 and it says simply;
"Give others time to realize that this time is different. This time you are not making empty promises; you are living to receive s complete remission of your addiction and character weaknesses. Eventually abstinence and changed behavior will speak for themselves."
I think this quote can apply to circumstances as well as relationships. It just takes time. One thing I often have to remind myself is that I struggled with my addiction for over 25 years, the affects of it can't be completely undone after a few months of change. Patience and trust in the Lord really is a big part of the process. Trusting not only that he can change me, but trusting his timeline and trusting that there are lessons and growth opportunities along the way.
In closing I just wanted to share one of my all-time favorite quotes from President Utchdorf. It definitely applies to my current circumstances and hopefully it will bring light to some of you as well;
So often we get caught up in the illusion that there is something just beyond our reach that would bring us happiness: a better family situation, a better financial situation, or the end of a challenging trial. The older we get, the more we look back and realize that the external circumstances don't really matter or determine our happiness. We do matter. We determine our happiness. - Dieter F. Uchtdorf (Of Regrets and Resolutions, Oct. 2012)
Thanks for listening!
~~~ Tim
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