My First PASG Meeting.

While attending my normal PASG group this past Thursday, one of the brothers shared that it was only his second meeting and he shared a little of the fear he had experienced the previous week while attending his first meeting.  That made me think back to my own first meeting and I have felt strongly that I should write about that experience.

I was first exposed to the LDS ARP meeting when my wife started attending the women's PASG meetings.  She would come home each week and share how wonderful it was and talk about the program.  Over time I could see the changes in her demeanor.  She was happier, lighter and I could tell that it was making a difference in her life.  She strongly encouraged me to start attending a 12 Step Meeting as well.

At that point in time I had yet to really be open or honest about my own addiction.  My wife knew that I had a history of struggles but she thought things were under control for the time being.  I wasn't yet to the point that I could be totally open about my dirty little secret.  I was too overcome with shame and fear.  I did however want to experience the ARP for myself.  So I decided to attend a general ARP meeting that was primarily focused on people that struggled with food and eating disorders.  This wasn't much of a reach for me as I have been overweight for much of my life so I figured I could go to the food meetings and keep my sexual addiction a secret while I worked the steps. 

It was a mid-day meeting and only lasted an hour but I was humbled and overwhelmed by the spirit and the honesty of the brothers and sisters that were in attendance.  I loved the meeting but I left with the understanding and prompting that I needed to start attending meetings specifically for people who struggle with sexual addiction.  I was finally able to be honest with my wife and my bishop about my problem and they both encouraged me to start attending meetings.  The idea didn't scare me at first because I had genuinely enjoyed my experience at the ARP meeting. 

As I grew closer to the day of my first meeting the fear grew stronger and stronger.  I started playing this mental game with myself of "Who is the worst person I could see at the addiction meeting?"  The worst case scenarios flooded my mind.  "My older brother, a co-worker, someone from my parents' neighborhood".  In addition to these normal fears was the fact that at the time I was the primary floor manager for a very large, local retail chain.  It was a very public and very visible job.  People regularly recognized me around town even when I wasn't working.  Even if I didn't recognize the other people at the meeting, there was a very high probability that someone would recognize me. 

Finally, that fateful Thursday night arrived.  The meeting was held at a Seminary building about 7 blocks from my house.  I jumped in my car and headed over.  When I got there, I sat in the parking lot for a few minutes.  I watched people getting out of their cars and enter the building.  In my mind I needed to make sure that none of them looked familiar.  I finally got the courage to get out of the car and walk inside.  As I walked, I rolled my ARP manual up into a tight bundle, like a newspaper.  I was so horrified that someone would see what I was carrying.

As I entered the building I was met by smiling missionaries and shown the rooms where Men's meetings were being held that night.  I ducked into a room and sat down at one of the desks with my head down.  I avoided making eye contact for much of the meeting.  As things progressed I started to feel the Spirit.  I began the recognize so much of myself in many of these brothers.  There were men from all walks of life.  Retirees, teenagers, college students and fathers.  It would have been easy to focus on what was different about each of us, but the more I listened the more I realized how much we were the same.

When it was my turn to share, I was scared.  But as I opened my mouth and started to introduce myself, I found strength that I never knew was there.  I said my name and said that I was addicted to things of a sexual nature.  I then paused and admitted that was the first time I had ever admitted that to anyone but a Bishop.  I'd never even really admitted to myself that it truly was an addiction and not just a bad habit.  As the words came out, I felt the emotion well up inside me.  Suddenly I felt an arm on my shoulder.  The brother sitting next to me had reached over and squeezed my shoulder and patted me on the back.  He looked over and smiled at me and I instantly had the realization that he understood.  He knew exactly what I was feeling and going through.  For the first time in my life I didn't feel alone.

After the meeting I immediately darted out and jumped in my car.  I enjoyed the experience but I wasn't quite ready to mix and mingle.  It was still a great night and one that I will always remember.  I have shared in the past about how I feel that one of the greatest ways to overcome addiction is through connection.  The better I am at reaching out to others, sharing my experiences and my burdens, the more I am able to have success.  I have often said that I consider the brothers in my recovery groups like the soldiers in my army.  They are the ones that I rely on.  We are all in this fight together, and we all fight the same enemy.  The greater our bonds of love and connection, the more successful I will be.  Those bonds started to form when I followed the advice of my Bishop and my wife and overcame my fears to show up at that PASG meeting.  I am very grateful that I did. 

~~~ Tim