Accountability

I am currently working on completing Step 7 in the LDS 12 Step Manual, which means that the intimidating task of steps 8 and 9 are staring me head on in the mirror.  I am going to be honest.  I am a little bit scared.  Step 4 and 5 involved talking to trusted friends and advisers that I knew were in my corner and supported my efforts.  Steps 8 and 9 involves talking to, well everyone. 

Thankfully as I approach this process the Lord is helping me to have small victories that show me the path I need to walk.  Today I had one such experience and it was a major faith builder for me.

One of my job responsibilities at work is to be the point of contact with 3rd party company employees that work on our premises.  Even though they don't actually work for my company, they are an important part of what we do and it is a a big part of my job to communicate and work closely with them.  As in many walks of life, I get along well with many of these individuals but there are a few that I sometimes don't see eye to eye with. 

There is one particular individual that I have had a very tenuous relationship with.  We have butted heads in the past and so I often go into our encounters expecting the worst and that can lead to me being more demanding and aggressive than I normally am.  One day last week, he was one of the first people I bumped into early in my shift.  I was stressed out and grumpy and when he came up to ask me something, I jumped down his throat,  He later needed my assistance with another issue and I went out of my way to be rude and unpleasant.  I recognized the behavior in the moment but I justified it because of our previous history.  Later after he left and my day smoothed out I recognized that I had really been a jerk. 

Later that day I bumped into someone else that works for the same company as this gentleman.  I expressed to him that I felt bad for the way that I had treated his colleague.  He offered to convey that message and I was very tempted to agree.  That way I could feel like I had made things right without actually doing anything, but the more I thought about it the more I realized that I needed to fix this myself.  I politely declined his offer and decided to find a time to meet face to face.

So this morning was the first time that I ran into him since the prior incident.  He walked in with the colleague that I had expressed my regret to after the incident in question.  I was nervous and I was tempted to let it go.  I found myself justifying.  "He's been a jerk to me before too."  "It wasn't that big of a deal."  Then, right as I was arguing with myself, out of the corner of my eye I saw him break away to grab something he left in his car.

I called out his name and he turned around.  I smiled and told him that I felt really bad about the way that I had treated him last week.  I explained that I was stressed, grumpy and took it out on him.  He brushed me off and said that he didn't really remember anything and said we were okay.  I thanked him and then again expressed that I had recognized the behavior and even if he didn't think much of it, I felt like crap and just wanted him to know that I was sorry.  He thanked me and walked away.

Immediately as he left, peace swept over me.  I knew that I had done the right thing and more importantly, I began to recognize that it wasn't as difficult as I was building it up to be in my mind.  I was accountable, I was vulnerable, I was honest, and things worked out just fine.  It was a small victory but one that I needed as I prepare to embark on the journey that is Step 8 and 9. 

I recognize that Heavenly Father teed this one up for me and all I had to do was swing.  They won't all be like this, but I know the peace and relief will still come, because I am doing my best to make things right.  More importantly, I know that I am never alone in my efforts.

~~~ Tim