Re-Post - Helpful Analogies: The Bucket of Water

I originally posted this about a year and a half ago. In June of 2013 to be precise. I was reading back today and came across it and realized how much it speaks to me today. Sometimes I take steps backwards. Sometimes I even fall down. But I do not have to start my journey over. I just have to dust myself off and keep at it. The progress I made previously is not in vain even if I didn't reach my destination. I just have to keep putting water in the bucket and over time it will rise again.

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I love analogies and I tend to learn much better that way. Much like the parables of the New Testament, they help me understand principles in a more realistic and easy to apply way. I have started recording them all here both to help me remember and in the hopes that they might touch someone else. Today's analogy is called;


The Bucket Of Water

Imagine that you have been given the unenviable task of filling up a large pail of water using just a ladle. Scoop after scoop you slowly and laboriously fill up your pail of water. Initially it seems like all the water does is coat the sides of the bucket. Progress is hard to see in the moment, but you persist. Over time you start to see the water level inside the pail rising. This creates hope and motivates you to keep going. Ladle after ladle the water rises higher and higher. Then one day, while stooping down to dump your ladle of water into the bucket, you bump the bucket and some of the water sloshes over the top. Despondency sets in. It took so long to fill up the bucket. Now much of your progress is ruined and the temptation is there to just kick the bucket over entirely and watch it cascade across the sand. Eventually you realize that there is a great deal of water still inside the bucket. Yes, some splashed out and there is less than before the accident, but the bucket is not empty. You do not have to start over.

This concept of trying, often times again and again to get a certain desired result, be it filling a pail of water or overcoming addiction or character weaknesses was addressed by President Eyring in a devotional talk given at BYU many years ago. His talk was titled A Law Of Increasing Returns. He gives many wonderful thoughts and ideas but a couple quotes in particular jumped out at me. He directly addresses this process of having to try again and again to get the things we want most in life. Be it a quality education, a loving and eternal family relationship or overcoming a significant trial. He explains that these things take time for a reason;

"The simple fact is that there is a God who wants us to have faith in him. He knows that to strengthen faith we must use it. And so he gives us the chance to use it by letting some of the spiritual rewards we want most be delayed. Instead of first effort yielding returns, with a steady decline, it’s the reverse. First efforts, and even second efforts, seem to yield little. And then the rewards begin, perhaps much later, to grow and grow"

The reality is that I will never know why I was given this trial in my life. It has seemed at times like both the greatest blessing and the greatest curse of my life. I don't pretend to understand it, but I trust that the Lord knows what he is doing. I trust that if I try to do what I can to face forward, and get back up when I slip and knock the bucket over, that the blessings will come. President Eyring bears similar testimony towards the end of his message;

"Delayed blessings will build your faith in God to work, and wait, for him. The scriptures aren’t demeaning when they command, “Wait upon the Lord.” That means both service and patience. And that will build your faith. It may help you to watch both for the chance to smile and the blessings around you on the way. And it may help to picture both the future of the people whom you serve for God and his promise of peace in this life".

I love how we says that we must work and wait to build faith. I still have to do my part. I can't sit back and just trust that eventually my struggles will be magically taken from me. They won't be, not that way. I still have to work on putting ladles of water into my pail. It might not always make sense, and it might seem at times like it is taking forever, but the blessings do come. That much I know for sure.


~~~ Tim

Learning to Feel Pain

One of of the most difficult aspects of addiction recovery is learning how to feel again.  After years of numbing any type of pain or stress or disappointment, letting myself feel again is hard.  I am not good at it.  I don't know how to process it and sometimes it is difficult to cope from minute to minute. 

For decades of my life I just didn't entertain pain.  If someone hurt me, I numbed by acting out.  If I was scared, I numbed, if I was stressed I numbed.  As those familiar with my story know, I was first exposed to pornography at around age 8 and then fully started to engage in addictive behaviors around age 13.  So that is over 25 years that I numbed pain and stress instead of learning normal coping skills.  Yes, I have had stretches of sobriety and times when I was able to process pain and disappointment but it was usually by relying on others.  Bishops, my wife, friends in recovery.  I learned to look for help and support but rarely did I turn to God who is my only true source of comfort.

I have started working the online program that Addo offers and I did an assignment last night where I made a list of positive thoughts and then made a list of fears and negative thoughts.  The point of the exercise was to think of at least 3 positive things that countered each negative.  It was a good exercise and it felt good to surrender some of the negative thoughts and emotions.  But others were just too painful and scary.  Writing down 3 positive counterpoints just wasn't enough to release the fear.  It just brought the fears and stresses back to the forefront.  

So here I sit.  It is nearly 1 AM and I work in roughly 6 hours.  But laying in bed just gives the fears and negative emotions a sleepless playground to run amok.  So I am here to surrender them.  I know that my Savior can carry my pains and fears.  I know that he will help me with these burdens if my faith and desire is strong enough.  I know that the secret to getting through it isn't to be strong enough but to be humble enough to ask for His help and let Him carry my burdens and take my pain.  He understands perfectly what I am feeling and how unequipped I am to deal with it so I publicly surrender these fears and pains to him.  The only positive thought I really need to embrace to let go of my stress and fear is to simply trust Him for He can bind all wounds and heal all pain..

As I felt the weight of my stress and pain build up tonight, I fell to my knees and prayed mightily  and then listened to hopeful talks from Elder Holland and President Utchdorf.  I had a friend in recovery once tell me that the key to learning to feel pain again is to "lean into the pain", like a tree bracing for an oncoming wind storm.  To embrace it and eliminate some of its power.  So I am trying.  I am trying to lean into the pain, to meet it head on and trust that with faith in God that it will not beat me.  That it is not all consuming.

I am trying but it's hard...

There Can Be Peace

When I was studying History in College, one of my favorite Historical stories was that of the 1914 Christmas Truce during World War I.  You can read more about the amazing incident here.  What transpired that day was truly a miracle.  In the middle of one of the bloodiest battles in one of the most destructive wars in human history, the simple men who were on that terrible battlefield, sworn enemies, bonded together over something they had in common... Christmas.  The miracle of our Savior's birth and life and everything it stands for.  Many of us today forget what Christmas is really about but those men understood.  They understood that through Christ, all wounds can be healed, that all divides can be conquered and that even in the midst of war, people can find common ground. 

It was Germans on one side, British and French on the other.  Opposing forces, hunkered down in their trenches with just a thin strip of land known as 'no-man's land' in between.  The ground all around them was littered with their wounded and fallen comrades.  Yet despite all of this they exemplified the true spirit of Christmas and put aside their differences.  It is a powerful example to all of us that we can have peace.  We can overcome our trials and struggles.  We can love our fellow man and even our hated enemies.  For through Christ, all things are possible.

This Christmas will be the 100 year Anniversary of that amazing night.  So to honor and commemorate, the Christian group, Faith Counts has produced an amazing video that I wanted to share here.  Peace is possible.  For all things are possible through Him.

Enjoy the video!

What is Real Hope?

I have been thinking a lot lately about hope.  Hope can be such a beautiful blessing but sometimes hope seems in vain.  Like no matter how much I pray or desire something that seems like a righteous blessing that is just isn't meant to be.  It can lead to despair and frustration.  So I have been studying a lot on the topic lately to try and have a better understanding so that hope can be a force for good in my life.

As I pondered and prayed on this topic I ran across a talk by Elder Neil A. Maxwell given back in October of 1998 which oddly enough was the month I got married.  I don't remember it being given but I wasn't exactly in such a great place spiritually in 1998 so that probably isn't surprising. 

His beautiful message was titled Hope Through The Atonement of Jesus Christ

It rang so true to  my heart as I read his words.  Hope isn't just wishing and wanting for selfish things that may or may not have a measure of righteousness.  True hope, Godly hope, ALWAYS involves an eternal perspective and always involves hope through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  Elder Maxwell explains;

Our everyday usage of the word hope includes how we “hope” to arrive at a certain destination by a certain time. We “hope” the world economy will improve. We “hope” for the visit of a loved one. Such typify our sincere but proximate hopes.

Life’s disappointments often represent the debris of our failed, proximate hopes. Instead, however, I speak of the crucial need for ultimate hope.

Ultimate hope is a different matter. It is tied to Jesus and the blessings of the great Atonement, blessings resulting in the universal Resurrection and the precious opportunity provided thereby for us to practice emancipating repentance, making possible what the scriptures call “a perfect brightness of hope” (2 Ne. 31:20).

Moroni confirmed: “What is it that ye shall hope for? Behold I say unto you that ye shall have hope through the atonement of Christ” Moro. 7:40–41; see also Alma 27:28). Real hope, therefore, is not associated with things mercurial, but rather with things immortal and eternal!

That is not to say that it is bad to have a measure of hope or desire for things to come.  Desiring good things to come in this life and even in the present isn't a bad thing.  We know that God wants us to be happy.  I know that he wants me to be happy.  But that isn't truly righteous hope.  True hope means having faith in Him, in His sacrifice and trusting in His ability to get me to where I need to be.  If I place my hope, my trust and my faith in the Savior I will never be let down.  I will never be led astray.

It's hard at times.  But I know that it is worth it.

As I was pondering this post it reminded me of a song I used to love.  That I still love but that I just haven't listened to in awhile.  The song is Unanswered Prayers by Garth Brooks.  The chorus rung true then and still does today; 

Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers
Remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs
That just because he doesn't answer doesn't mean he don't care
Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers

I don't know what tomorrow brings, but He does.  I do however know what the eternities can bring.  They will be full of happiness and joy and exaltation because He died for me.  He will always see me through and get me to where I need to be.  I just have to be patient and hope.  Not for my own selfish desires.  Hope in Him.   He is the answer to every problem.  The solution to every equation and the balm to every wound.  He is my everything.

Today I can face Him and hope. 

Learning to Balance the Blessings of Agency with the Pain of Consequences

There is a comedy movie that I used to quite enjoy.  It probably wasn't the most appropriate film so I won't list the name although it is "only" rated PG-13.  In the film there is a character that is forever down on his luck and consequently turns to his many addictions and vices to numb the pain.  He is an alcoholic, a scam artist and a swindler.  Over the course of the film he takes up with an innocent young man who was raised very devout Amish.  Throughout their travels together they get into many shenanigans and do many things that are contrary to the Amish man's beliefs.  Towards the end of the film the addict is called on the carpet for his behavior.  I will never forget his response for as long as I live.  "Don't you know what the Bible says about forgiving people".  "Well it's against it."  In his mind, his friend was a good person who believed in the Bible and in the Savior and thus was obligated to forgive him.

For a very large portion of my life that was my attitude about forgiveness towards those that I hold dearest.  My friends, my family, my wife.  They are good people, they understand that I am an addict, they believe in the Atonement, so they will forgive me and move on.  They are practically obligated to....  Right?

Oh how wrong I was.  I was overlooking half of the equation.  Agency is a gift.  It is the most important thing that was ever debated in the Heavens and led to the War in Heaven.  It was the reason that Satan was eventually cast out of Heaven along with many of our spiritual brothers and sisters.  But agency isn't just the right to choose.  It is also the right to reap the rewards, or consequences and pain, of the decisions we have been given the power to make.

In his beautiful message; The Three R's of Choice, President Thomas S. Monson had this to say about the results of our choices;

Finally...I speak of the results of choice. All of our choices have consequences, some of which have little or nothing to do with our eternal salvation and others of which have everything to do with it.

Whether you wear a green T-shirt or a blue one makes no difference in the long run. However, whether you decide to push a key on your computer which will take you to pornography can make all the difference in your life. You will have just taken a step off the straight, safe path. If a friend pressures you to drink alcohol or to try drugs and you succumb to the pressure, you are taking a detour from which you may not return.

Every choice I make has consequences.  Some of them lead to eternal joy and others lead to much pain and sorrow, both for me and those that I hold dearest.  When faced with the pain and suffering of those consequences there is a natural human tendency to want to avoid it.  It is then that I fall on my knees and beg my Heavenly Father to take away the pain and make it better.

Elder Robert S. Wood of the Seventy described this process in a talk from the Ensign in 2002;

Perhaps the symbolic nature of the second temptation is the least apparent of the three. But on reflection, this temptation points to a tendency to which we all are subject—the tendency to desire some miraculous delivery from the consequences of our actions; to be borne up, if you will, by angels or divine providence, with little effort on our part.

It is a human tendency but is it a helpful one?  Probably not.  While the Savior is ALWAYS there to sustain me and support me and while he always understands the pain I am feeling, taking it away entirely doesn't help me grow.  Elder Wood continues in his message;

Today many people manifest the desire for such a rescue in small and large ways: the student who, having failed to study during the term, prays for assistance in an examination; the teacher who opens a lesson by saying that, having made no preparations, he or she intends to rely on the Spirit; the individual who, having abused his or her body through lack of exercise and violation of the Lord’s law of health, expects to be delivered, sometimes through priesthood administration, from the ravages of self-induced ill health; the drunken or reckless driver who prays for a “second chance”; the individual who, having violated the commands of God or rules of society, expects mercy to utterly suppress the requirements of justice.

The psychologist Erich Fromm called the wish to escape the consequences of one’s actions a desire to escape from freedom. For being free requires being responsible. The very word freedom connotes the ability to judge rationally between alternatives and the willingness to accept the consequences of one’s decisions.

Of course addiction complicates this process because it deprives me of the very ability to make decisions with a sound mind.  M. Russell Ballard of the Quorum of the 12 describes this loss of agency to addiction;

The battle over man’s God-given agency continues today. Satan and his minions have their lures all around us, hoping that we will falter and take his flies so he can reel us in with counterfeit means. He uses addiction to steal away agency. According to the dictionary, addiction of any kind means to surrender to something, thus relinquishing agency and becoming dependent on some life-destroying substance or behavior.

Thus while living in addiction the ability to make sound choices is seriously compromised, but the requirements of justice, the painful consequences, are still in place.

Free agency is a divine gift.  It is one that can bring ultimate joy and Eternal Life.  But it can also bring pain and loss.  Fortunately we know that even when things are worst, there is always hope.  The Savior is always there, no matter how much suffering and pain exists, as long as I, or anyone else who has suffered or will suffer, will turn to him and reach out their hand.

President Monson explains this hope for true healing;

We have all made incorrect choices. If we have not already corrected such choices, I assure you that there is a way to do so. The process is called repentance. I plead with you to correct your mistakes. Our Savior died to provide you and me that blessed gift. Although the path is not easy, the promise is real: “Though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow.” “And I, the Lord, remember them no more.”

What a blessing.  To know that not only can all addicts, including me, be healed of the mistakes and carnage we have created, but the sins can be made white as snow and the Lord will remember them no more.  As for friends, family and loved ones that I have wronged along the way.  I have always found hope from a passage in the LDS ARP manual towards the end of Step 9.  It was shared with me by one of the Missionaries in my group after my last major relapse and it continues to give me hope today;

In taking step 9, you must avoid becoming discouraged if others do not receive your apologies well or if they do not believe you have really changed. Making amends may take time and patience. Give others time to realize that this time is different. This time you are not making empty promises; you are living to receive a complete remission of your addiction and character weaknesses. Eventually, abstinence and changed behavior will speak for themselves.

It is my hope and my prayer that I can better understand the blessing that is agency.  That I can use it in my life.  That I can recognize that living in addiction significantly impacts my ability to make good choices but still requires me to pay the price for those mistakes.  Agency is a gift, but only if I am fully willing to accept the consequences of the choices I make, both good and bad.

Never In This House.

So I had the amazing opportunity tonight to listen to the Step 5 of a brother in recovery.  It reminded me of my own Step 5 experience and allowed me to bear testimony of things that have worked for me in my own recovery as well as discuss potential pitfalls that can occur and have occurred in my life.  I was honored to be a part of it.  Even though it was his Step 5 I felt like I learned so much from him, saw so much of myself in him.  It made me feel connected.  Which reminded me of one of my favorite blog posts of all time when I wrote about the power of connection in recovery.  It was a reminder that I sorely needed as our move 3 months ago has put me hours away from most of the men who have been my support system throughout my recovery.  I still reach out, but I could definitely do more.

But towards the end of it there was another really awesome moment.  I was describing the ruts I used to get in a few years back.  When I would set myself up for failure time and time again.  It was almost always the same time of day, same location and same circumstances.  And as I pictured it a thought popped into my head.  I have never acted out in our new home.  Granted we have only lived here a little over 3 months but after nearly 30 years of struggles there are not too many places I have lived that I haven't acted out.  In fact I would probably have to go back to my mission to find a place that I lived for an extended amount of time that I didn't act out.  It was a tender mercy from the Lord that this remains a safe place.  Where there are no tainted memories of past misdeeds.  Where simply walking into a room will not bring back a trigger or shameful memory of the past.  It made my entire night.

It's Okay To Have Scars

So recently, I was sitting in a 12 Step meeting and someone was sharing about the importance of vulnerability.  It kind of got the wheels in my head spinning and I have been mulling over the idea for quite a while.  What actually led to all this was a thought that popped into my head when pondering over the numerous scriptural references to the Savior appearing after his resurrection and showing his scars to those he interacted with.  Why did he do this?  Why was this repeatedly one of the first things he would do when meeting up with the people he encountered?  As I sat there soaking in the Spirit of the meeting I suddenly heard the Spirit whisper quietly to me; "Has it occurred to you that maybe part of the reason the Savior showed his scars was to let us know, all of us, that it's okay to have scars?  That even he, the greatest to ever walk the earth, has scars.  And he's not afraid of them, he's not ashamed of them and he certainly isn't defined by them?"

What a concept.  I was elated and confused all at the same time.  So I decided to do some research on the subject.

The obvious answer is the simple one.  He wanted them to really know who he was.  That he was the God of the Old Testament and the man who had been crucified as described in the Bible.  I couldn't help but wonder if there was more to it.  Not to mention that we have been told that upon resurrection that our bodies will be completely restored.  Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the 12 has taught;

What a comfort to know that all who have been disadvantaged in life from birth defects, from mortal injuries, from disease, or from the natural deterioration of old age will be resurrected in “proper and perfect frame.”

Additionally, teaching manuals published by the LDS Church describe it as an immortal and perfect body;

In the resurrection, the spirit and the body will be joined together again. Even though the body has decayed and become dust while it was in the grave, it will become an immortal and perfect body.  

So why wasn't the Savior restored to his "perfect and proper frame?  Why was it so important that his scars be visible for all to see?  Ponder that for a moment.

While researching this concept I became aware of an ancient Japanese method of pottery repair called kintsugi.  It was a method of repairing priceless pieces of broken pottery that were irreplaceable.  Kintsugi was a method where rather than try to piece the broken item back together and hide its flaws, the flaws were instead filled in with lacquer or resin and then dusted with real gold or silver to make the imperfection the focus of the entire piece.  They were literally illuminating the scars and flaws of these broken pieces of art.

Image Credit

Strangely enough, for a period of time these kintsugi pieces of pottery became so popular that people actually began shattering pieces of art intentionally so that they could be repaired and displayed with flaws and scars visible for the world to see.  What an amazing concept.  The items that were broken and put back together were more sought after than the flawless pieces.  It was like true vulnerability in art.

Another "wow" moment for me.  Could scars actually increase the value of something?  Could difficult life experiences, mistakes and wrongs that were committed but then slowly and meticulously repaired actually make me stronger and more beautiful?

Upon doing some more research I found my answer.  In a Book of Mormon Study guide for 3 Nephi 11 where the Savior's appearance is detailed; Elder Holland spells out the concept wonderfully and beautifully;

“Even though the power of the Resurrection could have—and undoubtedly one day will have—completely restored and made new the wounds from the crucifixion, nevertheless Christ chose to retain those wounds for a purpose, including for his appearance in the last days when he will show those marks and reveal that he was wounded ‘in the house of his friends’.

“The wounds in his hands, feet, and side are signs that in mortality painful things happen even to the pure and the perfect, signs that tribulation is not evidence that God does not love us. It is a significant and hopeful fact that it is the wounded Christ who comes to our rescue. He who bears the scars of sacrifice, the lesions of love, the emblems of humility and forgiveness is the Captain of our Soul. That evidence of pain in mortality is undoubtedly intended to give courage to others who are also hurt and wounded by life, perhaps even in the house of their friends” 

What a beautiful and amazing concept.  I especially love the line that says; "It is a significant and hopeful fact that it is the wounded Christ who comes to our rescue.  He who bears the scars of sacrifice, the lessons of love, the emblems of humility and forgiveness is the Captain of our Soul."

I feel as if he is saying; It's okay to have scars.  I have them, look at them, touch them, learn from them.  He isn't ashamed, he isn't embarrassed, he isn't less important, and he certainly isn't broken.  He is stronger, and gives hope to so many because he can honestly say; Look at me.  I have scars too, I understand.  

It's okay to have scars.  I don't have to hide them or allow them to define me.  I feel at times like the world has become a Scarlet Letter society of sorts.  Where people are valued, measured and tossed aside because of their biggest mistakes, their biggest flaws or the worst things that were done to them.  So many addicts and those who have had their lives affected by the addiction of another have come to identify themselves by their addiction or the addiction of their loved one.  Those realities, those scars have become the way that they see themselves, that others see them.  I encounter it every day.  That guy is a druggie, a pervert, a junkie.  That woman was abused, beaten, and broken.  That kid comes from a broken home, he's not normal, he's been through too much...

Why do we choose to define ourselves, and others, by the worst moments of their lives?  When I see the Savior again, when I see those scars on his hands, will my reaction be revulsion?  "Oh my gosh look at that guy.  What happened to him?"  Of course not.  So why do I see myself that way?  Why do I fear that others see me that way?  What do I at times see others that way?

We aren't defined by our past.   It's okay to have scars.  It's okay to be broken, because we all have access to the one that can put us back together again.  The one who will dust our scars with gold and make them beautiful instead of terrifying.  That will show us how to use our scars to bring hope to so many others if we can shake of the shackles and shame of carrying them.

President Utchdorf summed up my thoughts perfectly in his amazing message, The Merciful Obtain Mercy;

We must recognize that we are all imperfect—that we are beggars before God. Haven’t we all, at one time or another, meekly approached the mercy seat and pleaded for grace? Haven’t we wished with all the energy of our souls for mercy—to be forgiven for the mistakes we have made and the sins we have committed?

Everyone has scars, even the only perfect man who ever lived.   He wasn't afraid of who he was, of the things that had been done to him, of the marks he bore.  So why are we?  We shouldn't be.  Embrace your scars, embrace your humanity and be vulnerable.

It's okay to be broken and put back together.

Learning From Past Mistakes to Overcome Current Trials

So it has been a whirlwind few months. Life has been mostly good but also challenging. I was recently promoted at work and told I would be re-locating which led to my family and I breaking the lease on our current place and giving notice in preparation to move to the new area. Then, 2 weeks before we were to vacate our place, I received word that things had changed. I would still be getting the promotion but they weren't sure yet what location I would end up at. Just to continue with my training program until August and things would work out.

That was fine, other than the fact that we had to move out in 2 weeks and now didn't know the destination where we would need to try to find a new home. Ultimately my wife ended up going north to spend some time with her Mom and I ended up at my parents by myself. All my routines were thrown out the window. It has been quite a trial being separated from my family and not having my own space.

So I have been here about 10 days now and I had been doing okay. Not great but okay. Then yesterday I ran into some temptations that were bigger than me and I ended up slipping. It sucks really bad. The worst part is I look back and see so many things I could have done to prevent it. I have wavered between emotional mess and extremely angry since it happened but then woke up at 5 AM this morning with a great deal of clarity.

My history of addiction is to hide, hide, hide. I was never willing to be humble in the moment and say, "I screwed up and I'm sorry". I was always too prideful, too embarrassed and too afraid. So in the aftermath of the slip I felt those feelings begin to creep in. My wife is out of town, I won't see her for a few weeks. It was built in avoidance and concealment. I also don't really have a Bishop right now. We made arrangements to leave our records in our last ward until we move but I am not currently living there so its not like I am seeing that Bishop all the time. I could feel the little wheels turning in my head as Satan tried to guide me further down the path of no return.

But I can't. I won't go there again. I may be a slow learner but I do learn. Hiding slips and allowing them to become relapses and strings of lies only makes little problems into massive ones. A slip-up means I'm human, hiding and running from it would only mean that I am stupid. So here I am. I am battered but not broken. I draw much strength from the wisdom of President Uchtdorf from his talk Four Titles, given in April 2013;

"I believe in a Heavenly Father who is loving and caring and who rejoices in our every effort to stand tall and walk toward Him. Even when we stumble, He urges us not to be discouraged—never to give up or flee our allotted field of service—but to take courage, find our faith, and keep trying."

I draw great strength and hope from knowing that my Father in Heaven never asked me to be perfect. He only asked me to to be honest and keep trying. The best part is that thanks to my previous efforts and trials, I know exactly what I need to do. Trials are hard, they cause pain and anguish and can often derail us. But they also prepare us for the future. I have been down the wrong road enough times to know what lies at the end of it. I have often been one that has to learn the hard way, but I am very grateful for those experiences because they have prepared me for this moment. I know what road I need to take. And for that I am truly grateful.

~~~ Humbly yours

Tim

The Blessings of Sponsorship

It feels like it has been forever since I have written anything. I suppose it is time to get back on the horse as the saying goes. I have had a lot of ideas bouncing around my brain lately but the one that has really stood out is the blessings that come from sponsorship. I believe this to be a 2 way blessing. Obviously there is great support and much to be gained from having a sponsor, but as I am learning, there are just as many blessings to be found from being a sponsor!

I have been in recovery for over 4 years and during that period of time I have had guys talk to me about supporting them on numerous occasions. This led to me forming many great contacts and as I have written about in the past, has become a huge part of my recovery. But during that time I had never served as some one's formal sponsor to help guide them through the steps.... Until recently. A lot of it stemmed from self doubt. I was happy to take a call, send a text or share a quote or scripture, but I certainly wasn't knowledgeable or spiritual enough to actually guide someone through the steps and call them out when they were straying off track... Was I?

Every week when they would ask in my weekly meeting for those willing to sponsor to raise their hands, I would decline. I had plenty of excuses at the ready; "I'm not new to recovery but I'm new to this group.", "I've never been a sponsor before so who would want to be my first?", "My life and marriage are still far from perfect, I'm certainly not the one to give someone else advice.".

Well after talking to a couple friends in recovery who have sponsored, as well as my wife who has sponsored numerous sisters, I decided I would raise my hand when asked, assuming of course that no one ever would. The Lord had other ideas. The very first week that I raised my hand as being willing to sponsor, two different brothers came over after the meeting and asked if I would sponsor them. I was humbled and more than a little bit shocked, but I agreed. We exchanged numbers, I explained my sometimes difficult work schedule and we were off.

Then something magical happened. I suddenly found myself diving into the early steps trying to remember what had worked for me so that I could try to pass it along to these brothers on their journey. I spent time meditating and pondering over my own recovery. I prayed for these good men. My dailies were suddenly amazing. I took calls, sent texts and spent big chunks of my day talking about recovery and researching assignments and thoughts to share. It filled me with a wonderful spirit.

That's not to say it is all roses. Sponsorship, both sides of it, takes time and commitment. It means being willing to make time in your day for regular check-ins, to pause that game you are playing with your wife and take a call or take an unscheduled break at work to try to find a quote or scripture that might provide some guidance or hope. But through it all I could feel the Spirit prompting my words and efforts and I felt so strengthened in my own recovery efforts.

It also filled me with gratitude for the great men who have sponsored and supported me over the years and the time they had surely put in to be a resource and and help to me when I was at my lowest. Above all, it strengthened my testimony that 12-Step does work. The Lord is always at the helm but he needs all of us to see his plan through. It becomes a never-ending circle of hope. We get love and support in our early days and then when we have a little strength we share it with someone else.

Sponsorship is such an integral part of any 12-Step program. It is an amazing blessing to both serve as a sponsor and to have a sponsor guiding our recovery efforts. The SA White Book explains the importance of forming these relationships;

For most of us, without associating in some way with other recovering individuals there is no lasting sobriety and none of the fringe benefits of recovery, growth, freedom, and joy...

There are many tools to recovery but probably none more important then forming connection with others who have walked that path or are currently walking it. The Lord is in charge but he needs us to do our part as beautifully put in the Hymn, Brightly Beams Our Father's Mercy,

Brightly beams our Father's mercy. From his lighthouse evermore, But to us he gives the keeping of the lights along the shore.

We can all be lower lights for one another and when we do we all get stronger together!

Thanks for reading!

~~~ Tim

Looking Back

In recovery we often hear about the importance of looking forward, focusing on the future. For the most part I think that is very important to success. I do think however, that there is much to be gained from occasionally looking back. Not to focus on past negatives, but to see how far we've come.

Today is my one year anniversary of clean living. It is also the one year anniversary of one of the darkest periods in my life. Much has changed, but sometimes I wonder if they have changed as much as I would like, or as much as I have hoped. As I think about how far I have come. I can't help but be grateful. It is so easy to focus on the negative and the broken, despite having a life full of so much that is good. I am reminded of a quote from Abraham Lincoln on this subject;

"We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses."
— Abraham Lincoln

It is such a simple concept, but one I am not very good at. Seeing the good in things, in situations, in circumstances, even in myself.

When I look back at a year ago, it is easy to see how far I have come. For the first time in over 3 years of recovery I have been engaged in working the steps. I hear people in 12 step meetings ask all the time how people do it. In my SA meeting, when you reach a sobriety milestone, after your chip is awarded they will ask you to talk a little about how you have done it.

I have thought about that quite a bit as I approach this milestone. I think the simple answer is; I actually work the steps. That's not to say I didn't before and that certainly doesn't mean I am perfect at it now. That isn't to say I never had success before either. Heck, I even had a one year period of sobriety once before. But I wasn't really engaged. I was going through the motions. I had to look in the mirror and own the reality that despite 3 years of attending recovery meetings I was still working on Steps 4 and 5. It might have been more accurate to say that I was pretending to work Steps 4 and 5. I started over on Step 1 after my last slip and I am now finishing up Step 9. I had actually set a goal to finish the 12 steps in one year and I am not going to achieve that, but I feel good about that. I was ready to wrap up Step 9 but I realized there were still a couple people to think about and pray about.

There is a saying in AA and SA circles that;

It works if you work it, so work it, you're worth it.

It's the simple truth. It works if I work it.

Thanks for listening.

Here is to many more years of recovery!

Progressive Victory

After many years of being heavily involved in the LDS ARP program and working with their manual and materials, I have recently been attending an SA meeting. It has been nice to broaden my horizons a little. In recovery, I am of the opinion that the more material and knowledge I can get my hands on, the better. That allows me to take bits and pieces from different ideas and concepts and find what works well for me. We are especially lucky in this area in that there is an SA meeting specifically for LDS people. In general AA, NA or SA meetings, we typically refer simply to our "higher power" as we define him. This encompasses people of all religions and creeds and doesn't exclude anyone. It is a great concept but I prefer being able to talk directly about my relationship with the Savior without having to be careful how I refer to him.

Of the many things I have learned since starting to attend SA and starting to utlize the SA White Book as a resource, the one I love the most is the concept of progressive victory. SA defines sobriety as "no sex with self, no sex outside of marriage and progressive victory over lust." I love this concept because it teaches us from the very beginning that this is a process. That I am not simply going to wake up one day and NOT be an addict anymore. There is no finish line, other than in the next life when I am enveloped in my Savior's arms. The goal in SA, much like the LDS concept of enduring to the end, is simply to be better today than yesterday, to be going in the right direction and on the right path. Does progressive victory mean lust-free? At times, sure, but not all the time. I am still an imperfect being. I am still going to have triggers and weak moments and trials. The goal is to honestly look at myself on a regular basis and ask if I am doing better today than yesterday, than last week.

It is so easy in addiction and recovery to get sucked into the concept of an end game. Every addict I know has had those mental conversations at times. What will it be like when I am not an addict? When I have 10 years of clean living? When I don't have to attend these meetings anymore? We expend so much energy on it. One of the downsides to living in an instant access society is that we have all been programmed to expect instant results. We can Google it, Facebook it, Instagram it and the entire world knows immediately. Sometimes it is easy to think in those terms with addiction. But I have struggled with this addiction for over 20 years. I can't undo a mess 20 years in the making, with a few months of hard work. It is a process. It is always interesting to me to rub shoulders with folks that have many years of sobriety. To hear them talk about how they do it. The common thread in their testimonies is that they still do it. They are still involved and engaged even with many years of clean living. I think it is safe to assume that they reason they have many years of sobriety is because they keep at it. They are still progressing.

I am struggling to put into words what I am feeling in my heart but I think this is such a powerful concept. Recovery truly was meant to be lived one day at a time. If at the end of the day I can honestly say that I avoided major pitfalls, connected with friends and brothers in recovery and was a little bit better today than yesterday, then I know I am on the right path.

~~~ Tim

My jumble of thoughts about patience.

I figured it was time to get back on the horse. I enjoyed some extra time off during the holiday window and it was wonderful. I actually had 2 consecutive weeks with 2 full days off, which to many of you might seem like a normal week, but I typically work at least 6 and occasionally 7 days a week. So it was a nice break.

I feel like my thoughts are really jumbled right now. I have really been struggling lately with patience. As I continue to build more sobriety, and I just passed the 11 month mark, there is a selfish part of me that just wants things "fixed". Fixed, in my selfish mind would mean a return somehow the way things were before. Trust, stability, financial security etc. I realize that isn't how things work and I realize that the Lord has other things in store for me. I know that I shouldn't waste energy looking back, but I'm human and some days I get stuck there.

One of the scariest places to be is in "what-if land". What if I hadn't done this, where would my life be today? What if this trial were just magically taken from me? What if the trust and respect of those I wronged could just be instantly restored. Wouldn't life be grand? It is a scary place. One that I don't want to spend too much time. I hope that by being open and honest about it that it will help to get me unstuck.

One thing that gives me hope and perspective is something that was shared with me by a good friend right after my last relapse. He could tell that I was in a bad place and so he opened his LDS ARP manual and flipped to a page and showed me a quote. It is at the very end of the action steps portion of Step 9 and it says simply;

"Give others time to realize that this time is different. This time you are not making empty promises; you are living to receive s complete remission of your addiction and character weaknesses. Eventually abstinence and changed behavior will speak for themselves."

I think this quote can apply to circumstances as well as relationships. It just takes time. One thing I often have to remind myself is that I struggled with my addiction for over 25 years, the affects of it can't be completely undone after a few months of change. Patience and trust in the Lord really is a big part of the process. Trusting not only that he can change me, but trusting his timeline and trusting that there are lessons and growth opportunities along the way.

In closing I just wanted to share one of my all-time favorite quotes from President Utchdorf. It definitely applies to my current circumstances and hopefully it will bring light to some of you as well;

So often we get caught up in the illusion that there is something just beyond our reach that would bring us happiness: a better family situation, a better financial situation, or the end of a challenging trial. The older we get, the more we look back and realize that the external circumstances don't really matter or determine our happiness. We do matter. We determine our happiness. - Dieter F. Uchtdorf (Of Regrets and Resolutions, Oct. 2012)

Thanks for listening!

~~~ Tim