Practicing Patience

One of my biggest struggles in recovery and in life is learning to be patient and trust the Lord's timeline. I was texting a good recovery friend yesterday and he asked how I was doing. I was tempted to just reply that things were good. Because really, things have been good. But in my heart of hearts I knew that wasn't the whole truth. So I expressed my struggles with patience. It is very easy to fall into the trap of "Why can't things just happen faster?"

Why can't my relationship with my Savior be made strong and true TODAY?
Why can't I be on the other side of withdrawal symptoms and daily triggers TODAY?
Why can't my marriage be secure TODAY?
Why can't my wife want to hold my hand again TODAY?
Why can't I stop worrying that others will define me by my past actions TODAY?

It is so easy to get sucked into this cycle. Along with it comes fear, uncertainty and a loss of serenity and hope. While all these thoughts were going through my head yesterday I came across a meme online that talked about trusting the Lord's timing. This kind of snapped me out of my funk and helped me focus on gratitude. One of my sponsors has taught me the wonderful lesson of always expressing gratitude for what is good in my life before I talk about my fears and resentments. The lesson is a simple one. If I focus on gratitude FIRST, the resentments and fears lose much of their power over me. If I look at the list above I can easily turn most of those around by choosing gratitude.

My relationship with my Savior CAN be made strong today if I am willing to do my part.
I can be in a better place in regards to my triggers and withdrawal symptoms if I work my recovery and talk honestly about my struggles and surrender them to God.
My marriage is much better today than it was 3 months ago and progress is consistent and ongoing.
I can't control if my wife will ever want to hold my hand, but if it is the Lord's will He will see it through.
I can't control how others define me but I can focus on my own self worth and divine nature as the son of a loving God.

While pondering this subject and doing some personal study I came across a wonderful quote from Elder Neal A. Maxwell;

"The issue for us is trusting God enough to also trust His timing. If we can truly believe He has our welfare at heart, may we not let His plans unfold as He thinks best?"

Patience is hard. Watching and waiting is hard. But the fact is that so much good has happened in my life these last few months that there is no way I could possibly deny the Lord's hand in my life. And if I recognize His hand in my life I also have to trust His timing. Things will happen according to His timeline and not my own. I obviously still have things I need to learn and growing I need to do before this trial will be behind me.

Patience is a process. I am not always good at it. But I know that when I focus on gratitude and choose to see good in my circumstances, in those around me and in myself. I can't possibly expect others to focus on the good in me if I am not willing to see it myself.

God is good and with His help I CAN do this. One day at a time!

Milestones and Recognizing Progress

I realized this morning that today makes 3 months of new sobriety.  I had a hard time determining what to do with my sobriety number when all of the changes in my life happened a few months back.  It has been almost 8 months since I last had a serious relapse that led to me acting out.  For a long time I thought that meant this was my sobriety date.  I believed for many years that as long as I didn't completely act out that I was clean.  That was a huge obstacle in my recovery and created many of the problems I am currently battling. 

It took me a long time to realize that.  In fact for awhile I was doing a pretty good job of playing the victim when my wife first expressed to me how she was feeling.  There had been no new discovery or disclosure or "D-Day" as I have heard it called by some people.  That made it hard at first to really understand what was happening and why it was happening.  It was only after some true soul searching and some real honesty with myself that I started to understand a little bit.  It didn't need to be single significant event.  Rather it was years and years of build-up, half efforts and unresolved issues that weighed down on me, on my wife and on our marriage.  There were periods of sobriety and white-knuckling but never a true "progressive victory over lust" as described by Sexaholics Anonymous.  Progressive simply means improvement.  Are things getting better day by day, week by week.  Are habits beginning to change.  Is accountability growing?  Are trust and greater feelings of safety starting to grow and solidify?  All of these things would be signs of true progression.  And the reality is, for a very long time none of these things were really happening.

So I sat down one day and I decided to choose a new sobriety date.  I had a facilitator share with me once early on in recovery that the key to real change is valuing your recovery more than your sobriety.  He said that he tracked his sobriety but started over anytime there was the slightest hint of a slip or stumble.  Because that number wasn't what really mattered.  It was the change taking place in his heart that signified true recovery.  So with that in mind I sat down one night and I thought about myself and my life.  I tried to think of the furthest date back that I could be 100% sure that I hadn't given into lust or fantasy.  That I hadn't brought those feelings into my marriage, into my home.  It was hard but I wanted a number I could feel good about.  I ultimately settled on November 23rd 2014.  Now it's possible it could be more than that.  I just don't know.  And like that brother who was such an example to me, I want my recovery to mean more to me than my sobriety.  It has to, because that is how real change occurs.

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As I look back at the last 3 months I can't help but be immensely grateful.  So much good has happened in my life.  The hand of the Lord is so evident in my life and and the lives of my family.  It is hard sometimes in the moment to see progress as it happens.  Especially when things seem particularly dark and hopeless.  One of the wonderful things about milestones isn't to gloat in the achievement but to look back with gratitude at the change the Lord is working in my life.  He wants me to be happy.  He wants me to be whole.  He wants me to understand how valuable and special I really am.  He is there.  He is always there.  His hand is always outstretched when I need someone to cling to, to comfort me, to hold my hand and hug me when I am down.  I matter to Him.  I will always matter to Him.  And as long as I remember that, I will always be okay. 

What Does It Really Mean to Love Someone?

Yesterday was Valentine's day.  Normally that would have been an exciting time for me.  For years Valentine's Day meant flowers, dinner, romance and of course, pretty much guaranteed sex.  I mean it was practically an obligation.  Everyone has sex on V-Day.  It's like a right of passage.  I thought that for a long time.  I didn't see anything wrong with it either.  I honestly thought that's what Valentine's Day was all about.  It feels a little hollow to type that all out now. 

I work in retail.  So for the past 7 days I spent huge portions of my life helping people find the right card, flowers and gifts for the one they love.  I saw giddy couples planning their dates and holding hands and walking through the store arm in arm.  It was an entire whirlwind of emotional triggers in a bright red Valentine's package.  It was really hard at at times.  On one level I enjoyed helping people make the holiday special.  But on another level it was one painful reminder after another that the one I love currently has little or no interest in being close to me on that level.  It caused a lot of angst and fear.  I did a pretty good job of surrendering it and discussing it with others but it was so constant and so immediate that it was hard to not get sucked in at times.

Ultimately Valentine's day ended up being pretty okay.  Knowing that Valentine's has been a huge trigger for her over the years, I actually surprised her a week before with some gifts and then got her flowers on Thursday.  I was very cautious to stay away from things that were outwardly "lovey dovey."  No red roses or cards dripping with I love you.  Not because I don't feel that way about my wife but because I am trying very hard to be sensitive to her feelings and triggers so I was trying to balance expressing the depth of my feelings without making things uncomfortable or triggery for her.  I also made a point to put a note in with the card explaining where I was coming from.  I was accountable for the way I acted on Valentine's Day in the past and explained that I was trying to learn from that and do things differently.  I think things turned out pretty well.  She seemed genuinely happy.  It felt good.  We also ended up spending some wonderful family time on Saturday evening.  It wasn't a romantic evening with flowers and soft music and there was zero physical contact of any kind and the whole family was involved not just the 2 of us.  But you know what, it was still pretty awesome. 

It made me reflect a lot about what love really is.  What does it really mean to love someone?  To be in love with someone?  Is it comfort, trust, appreciation, deep friendship,  physical intimacy?  Is it a balance of all of these?  And as I pondered this things I thought to myself, "I'll go find some amazing quote about love and post it and let that be my answer."  But that wouldn't be what I have learned about love.  It wouldn't be from me.  So here is what I believe love is and should be.  What pure and true love should look like.  This is what I want in my relationship.

Love requires understanding.  It means being willing to understand that the other person isn't having a great day but to love them anyway.  It means being willing to accept that they are processing something hard and need space but love them anyway.

Love requires respect.  It means being willing to respect that the other person is feeling things I don't understand and that maybe I even see differently but to love them anyway.  To try to understand their feelings and be sensitive and caring about them.  It means not only respecting her intelligence, her feelings and her ideas but also to respect her body.  It means to teach my children to respect her and to do so by example.  It means being the first one to stand up for her when someone else disrespects her.

Love requires patience.  It means being willing to serve and wait and hope and trust that there is a bright future ahead even if it doesn't feel like it today.  It means respecting boundaries with patience even if you don't understand them or like them a whole lot.  It means trusting the Lord to get both of us where we need to be on His timeline even if His timeline is different from my timeline and her timeline. 

Love requires support.  It means loving and caring about the things that are important to her simply because they are important to her.  Because if they are important to her it means they are part of her very being.  It means I can't truly love her or be in love with her without respecting and caring about things that are important to her.  It means being a support to her emotionally, temporally, physically.

Love requires openness.  Not just honestly about my struggles and fears but also just being open about where I am.  How I am feeling, how my day went.  It means being willing to share about my life with vulnerability and transparency. Trusting that doing so will not make me appear weak but rather will open me up to greater levels of connection and bonding.

Love requires work.  Cute little houses in the country and white picket fences require a lot of hard work.  Life and love are not a destination but a journey.  A journey with detours and wrong turns and lots and lots of potholes.  But it means being willing to not only weather the storm but have fun along the way.  It means being willing to do all the little things, the uncomfortable things, even when I am tired, stressed or just don't want to.  It means being willing to go the distance.

Love is a powerful thing, a hopeful thing, a healing thing.  It is a gift from God.  But it only truly exists when He is involved and at the helm. 

Journal: Choosing Gratitude

I really don't have a lot to say today.  Things are really going pretty well.  The last week has given me so many opportunities to choose gratitude and see the Lord's hand in my life.  I was able to give my son a Priesthood Blessing when he was sick.  That was a wonderful experience.  I could feel the Spirit as I laid my hands on his head and I truly knew that I was able to assist the Lord in blessing my son.  Then on Sunday I was able to sit and peacefully partake of the Sacrament and feel the Atonement wash over me.  I kind of built it up in my mind going in.  That it was going to be this incredible, powerful spiritual experience and the Spirit and the Atonement were going to envelop me and I was going to weep with joy and everyone in the room was going to bear witness of how worthy I was.  But it was actually quite simple and peaceful.  I just sat there silently, head bowed and expressing gratitude to my Savior for making it be possible for me to be worthy and feel worthy and know that it was what I should be doing.

Later I had the opportunity to bear witness and share my testimony of the Atonement.  Then shortly after I sat down I was listening to a young sister bear her testimony.  It was short and very humble.  She shared how not too long ago she didn't know that she was a daughter of God, that she didn't believe she was known to Him.  But she shared briefly her journey and how she had come to know that she is a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father.  And it was then, in hearing and feeling her humble testimony that the Spirit flowed over me and the peace truly set in.  I was so grateful to her for sharing her journey.  It was through her powerful witness and humility that I was able to find the peace that I had hoped for.  It was a powerful example to me of how the Lord often works through others to bless us when we are doing our best to seek after Him.

Things have also been amazing lately between my wife and I.  That doesn't mean things are 'fixed' or that I don't wonder sometimes if we are days, weeks or months away from some of the emotional and physical boundaries loosening up.  I'm human and so I do think about it at times.  But I no longer obsess.  I know that I am doing the things that I need to be doing and if that continues then progress will also continue.  I don't know what that will look like.  If it will be little by little or day by day, or if eventually an emotional dam will burst entirely.  But it honestly doesn't matter.  Because today we spent some amazing time together, we were connected on many levels and we both acknowledged and appreciated that.  I choose to be grateful for what I have today.

I have been doing a daily check-in with a group of recovery friends and the message I sent today was "Today I am choosing to be grateful, I am choosing to trust the Lord and I know that with His help, today can be wonderful."  I really believe that.

I forget sometimes how vital a role righteous agency plays in our lives.  If I choose something righteous and choose to include the Lord in that process, He will bless me.  The Lord wants us to use our agency.  That is why it is so vital a gift.  I think at times in my life I have waited for some sign or Heavenly appearance for the Lord to let me know when the time or circumstances or situation was right.  But all He really wanted was for me to righteously exercise my agency, to make a choice and work for it, to fight for it and when I am willing to do that, then the witness comes, then the blessings come.  I have to choose happiness.  I have to choose gratitude.  And when I choose those righteous endeavors, when I am willing to fight for them and make them a priority in my life, He will always support me.

God is good.  He loves me.  I am His son.  I am worthwhile.  I am valued.  I am true. 

Trials, Tender Mercies and Emotions... What does it all mean?

It's been an amazing but emotional few days.  First the wonderful news.  I met with my Stake President on Wednesday and I get to begin taking the sacrament again.  It was an amazing meeting with an amazing man.  He was encouraging, honest and real.  Yes, I am on the right path but I need to stay on it because there is still much to do.  Taking the sacrament and really truly being cleansed of the things I did in the past but had neglected to confess is such an amazing thought.  To think that as I partake this coming Sunday and feel the Atonement wash over me and cleanse me.  To know that the Lord has not only forgiven, but will forget the mistakes I have made.  It's such a powerful thought. 

There were also 2 major tender mercies that have happened lately.  First off.  We had to go into quite a bit of debt to make Christmas happen for our boys.  We were so desperate to make it wonderful because we didn't know if it would be the last one as a family and we were trying our best to hide the trauma and drama from our kids.  So we have been in a bit of a financial rut lately.  We have tried our best to pay our tithing and fast offerings these past couple months since Christmas even when we knew the money wouldn't stretch to cover everything.  So it was quite a pleasant surprise and an amazing tender mercy the other morning when we woke up and realized that there was an additional $600 in our bank account.  My wife was awarded an additional $600 in financial aid from school and her tuition and books were already bought and paid for so it just amounted to extra money.  I know it was a blessing from above.  The timing, the circumstances, the confirmation of the Spirit as I realized what was happening.  It was awesome.

Secondly, we are currently have a lease on our house until the end of March.  We knew moving was a probability but weren't overly focused on it.  For a time we weren't even sure if we would be moving together or if I would be getting a separate place.  So the other day the realtor that manages the house we lease called us out of the blue to ask about our long term plans.  The owners would like to put the house up for sale at the end of the lease but were hoping we would continue to live here so they could work towards selling it while still getting the monthly payments.  We weren't on board with that at all.  We don't want people traipsing through the house on a weekly basis and we certainly don't want to find out 3 months down the road that we have 3 weeks to vacate the premises.  So we went down today and met with her in person to discuss our options.  I went in thinking it was purely an exploratory meeting.  A "keep an eye out for places in the coming weeks" type of deal.  But the Lord had so much more in store for us.  While we were there she mentioned offhand that she has some family friends that have a rental house that will be open in early March.  They are LDS and would love a great family to live there.  They live 2 doors down so not only do they want someone to take care of their rental but they want good neighbors.  Upon discussion we find out that not only is the house only a few blocks away from our current place and in our same ward, but it was a house that we actually looked at last August when we first moved here and were interested in.  We passed at the time because they were still up in the air about selling and were only willing to offer a 6 month lease at best. 

So she picks up the phone and calls him while we are sitting in her office.  He immediately tells her on the phone that he knows who I am and that he has "heard good things about me."  Before we know it we have an afternoon appointment to meet them and discuss their house.  So we show up at their house and his wife knows our 4 year old, Aaron and my wife from primary but they haven't been at church lately because he was called to be the Branch President at the local jail.  We hit it off amazingly with them and connect on so many levels.  Before we know it they are overjoyed to offer us a 1 year lease with terms that will be perfect for us.  They are even willing to hold the house for a few weeks since our move out day at our current place is a few weeks off when their place becomes available.  Not only that but they are wonderful people. 

So all these chips are falling into place.  Our finances are shaping up, the Lord has provided us a beautiful home to move into where we can continue working with the same Bishop and Stake President and our boys will stay in the same ward, be close to their friends etc.  It all went down in less than 24 hours time.  A huge upcoming stress was just removed from my mind.  Factoring in the financial blessings and in less than 3 days time, 2 enormous issues were removed from my plate.  Undeniable, wonderful tender mercies from a loving Heavenly Father.

So why the emotional struggle?  Well for starters, Satan knows.  He knows things are evening out.  He knows bonds are forming.  He knows progress is being made and most importantly, he knows I have the opportunity to take the sacrament this week.  He wants to stop all those things from happening.  So what does he do?  He bombards my family with fear.  A few of the doozies I have had pop into my head in the last couple days?

• Why are you signing a 1 year lease when you have no idea if your wife will want to be with you in a year?
• How can you keep being open, honest and vulnerable when you aren't getting that same level of vulnerability in return? Your heart can only take so much?
• Isn't it perfect that the house has 5 bedrooms since your wife will never let you back into the bedroom with her?
• Isn't it going to suck when the ward comes over to help you move and all your stuff is in a separate room at your current place and then gets moved into a separate room at the new place?  What are they going to think of you? 

Fear sucks.  It really does.  It derails progress and creates anxiety that isn't real.  And for me, the best way to counteract it is to shout it from the rooftops.  When I break out of isolation and share my fears with the world, no matter how vulnerable or scary they might be, the power is gone.  Satan works in isolation.  When I break the isolation, I share the burden, I break the power.

So here is what I know about my current situation.

1. I am worthy the take the sacrament.  I worked through the process and I can now in full conscience take the sacrament and feel it cleanse me.  I get to start with a clean slate with my Heavenly Father on Sunday.
2. Enormous progress has been made in my family.  Love and trust is growing.  Happiness exists.  Bonds are being formed.
3. The Lord is mindful of the present and the future of my family.  He wouldn't be moving things into place for us to remain together if He didn't believe it was the right thing for us and if there wasn't hope for us. 
4. The Scriptures teach in Romans 8:28 that; And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God 

 All of these feelings, experiences and emotions are working together for my good.  That doesn't mean they aren't difficult and that the Lord's timeline and my wife's timeline might look different than mine.  It just means there is more to learn.  For all of us.  There is more opportunity for growth, more chances for gratitude and more time for eternal bonds of love to be nurtured. 

God is good.  Addiction sucks but God is better.  Marriage problems are hard but God is stronger.  Emotional days are draining but my Savior never get tired of sustaining me.  He is always the answer.  He is the great physician and there is no wound He can't heal.  I just have to get out of the way and let Him keep working on.

Hope Through the Book of Mormon

Anyone that has ever attended LDSARP for any length of time is probably familiar with the quote from President Packer that is found in Step 1;

“The study of the doctrines of the gospel will

improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior

will improve behavior. ... That is why we stress so

forcefully the study of the doctrines of the gospel”

I've read it probably dozens of times.  That's not an exaggeration.  And I have always believed it.  Yet I would constantly find myself trying to out-think or out-plan my addiction.  I never really submersed myself in the gospel.  I did some.  I have always enjoyed listening to General Conference talks.  But I would rarely dive into the Scriptures.  Especially the Book of Mormon.  Until recently, I honestly can't recall the last time I read it cover to cover.  But after things went down over the holidays I found myself constantly seeking peace.  I was desperate for it.  I prayed for it, I begged for it.  But it was hard to come by.  So in early December I met with my Stake President.  One of the things he counseled me to do was to not only study the scriptures and the words of the Prophets but to apply them in my life.  That obedience to their teachings would bring blessings and strength.  So I pondered that and it hit me.  There is probably no counsel that has given more by modern and ancient prophets  than this one;  STUDY THE BOOK OF MORMON!  It was written for this day and age.  It was written for us.  It was written for me.  

I remember a Stake President promising a few years back that if we read the Book of Mormon every single day our lives would change.  I even tried it for awhile, but it didn't last and it certainly wasn't every day.  I was never willing to do it every day.  I wasn't even willing to try.  That isn't to say I wasn't doing dailies.  Most days I was.  But for whatever reason, The Book of Mormon just wasn't a big part of it.  

So after meeting with my Stake President I made a commitment to read or listen to the Book of Mormon every single day.  And so it began.  In the early days I was amazed at the peace that would come.  I would sit on the couch or lay in bed, or even sit in my office at work.  Sometimes tears rolling down my face from the emotions I was struggling with, and I would read the Book of Mormon.  There were days that I would read 5, 10 even 20 chapters in a single day because it was the ONLY thing that brought me peace.  Eventually I just got into a nice little routine where I was listening to chapters on my phone at times and then reading more when I had spare time.  

I have always been a fairly quick reader and so 1 Nephi quickly became Mosiah and 4 Nephi.  I re-discovered all my heroes.   I was inspired by King Benjamin's humility and Ammon's courage.  I found hope in the change of heart of Alma the Younger and admired the leadership of Captain Moroni.  I wept with Mormon and struggled to comprehend the pain that Moroni must have experienced wandering the world alone after watching his people wiped from the face of the earth. 

I immersed myself in the Book of Mormon.  And I found hope.  The entire book is filled with knowledge and experience and life and trials.  But mostly it is filled with the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  And when I embrace the Gospel of Jesus Christ there is always hope.  Because He embodies hope.  His grace is the reason I have hope.  He is the reason I have hope.  

I finished the entire Book of Mormon a few days ago and I was so inspired after finishing, I shared my testimony publicly on Facebook and then you know what I did next?  I flipped back to 1 Nephi and I started all over again. 

The future is uncertain.  I have no idea what my life will look like in 3 months or a year.  But I do know this.  When I am obedient to generations worth of prophets, when I follow their counsel to study the scriptures and immerse myself in the Book of Mormon, my life will always be better.  Maybe not perfect, maybe not how I hope and dream it will be, but always better.