My Bishop Is Awesome

So I have not been having the greatest week.  Every aspect of my life seemed shaken and unstable.  I was physically drained from working so much.  I was mentally drained from trying to finish my stupid project, and emotionally drained from life, financial and family struggles. 

I walked into my Bishop's office last night and just poured out.  I had no agenda, I had no plan going in.  I have been trying to meet with him regularly and this was a pre-arranged meeting that just happened to be at the exact time I needed it most.  He listened, he offered advice, he counseled, he taught principles and he laughed.  He is a good man.  He also shared an analogy that really helped me understand and appreciate one of the struggles I have been having lately.

I left his office feeling stronger, like I am able to go back out and fight.  I know that this is all worth it.  I know that there are ups and downs and good days and bad.  I also know that I am pretty dang lucky to have such a wonderful ally in my corner when the bad days come.  It was a powerful reminder that help is always there if I seek it out.  Be it directly from the Lord or through one of his servants, help is always available. 

~~~ Tim

Consequences and Hard Lessons

The past few days have been some of the most difficult of my life.  I feel as if I am in a room and the walls are closing in on me.  Even after recognizing last week that I was stuck in isolation and taking steps to prevent it, I am still stuck dealing with the consequences of my actions from my last relapse period.

When I hit rock bottom in February, my life was so unmanageable that I had no idea how to fix it or get out.  So I did the only thing I knew how to do, I focused on recovery and gaining sobriety.  In the process I convinced myself that if I could just build up some sobriety and recovery that the other problems in my life would magically disappear.  Unfortunately, life doesn't work that way.  I am approaching 4 months of sobriety and recovery.  I have been attending the temple and trying to fulfil my Church callings.  Things are not perfect and there are still many stumbling blocks along the way, but there have been no slips or serious relapses.  But as wonderful as clean living is, it doesn't erase the ripple effects of the sins that have already occurred. 

In the pamphlet "For The Strength of Youth", we are taught that agency comes with a price.  We get to make choices but we have to live with the consequences, good or bad;

"While you are free to choose your course of action, you are not free to choose the consequences. Whether for good or bad, consequences follow as a natural result of the choices you make. Some sinful behavior may bring temporary, worldly pleasure, but such choices delay your progress and lead to heartache and misery."

As part of my mess when I was living in my addiction, I made a series of poor financial decisions leading to some significant debt.  Now I get almost weekly reminders of the struggle to stay on top of our finances and provide for my family.  It has been tough on everyone, from my wife to my 3 boys.  We have all had to go without.  I have struggled with waves of emotions.  Yesterday while working, I was overcome with a wave of emotion and I had to put my sunglasses on to cover the tears streaming down my face as I drove down the freeway.  I offered a heartfelt, pleading prayer to my Father in Heaven to strengthen me to get through this mess.  I don't expect it to all magically go away.  I understand that I need to learn from it and trust him to look out for my family. 

When I go through trials I can't help but be reminded of the counsel given to the Prophet Joseph in the Doctrine and Covenants 122:5-9;

5 If thou art called to pass through tribulation; if thou art in perils among false brethren; if thou art in perils among robbers; if thou art in perils by land or by sea;

6 If thou art accused with all manner of false accusations; if thine enemies fall upon thee; if they tear thee from the society of thy father and mother and brethren and sisters; and if with a drawn sword thine enemies tear thee from the bosom of thy wife, and of thine offspring, and thine elder son, although but six years of age, shall cling to thy garments, and shall say, My father, my father, why can’t you stay with us? O, my father, what are the men going to do with you? and if then he shall be thrust from thee by the sword, and thou be dragged to prison, and thine enemies prowl around thee like wolves for the blood of the lamb;
7 And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.
8 The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?
9 Therefore, hold on thy way, and the priesthood shall remain with thee; for their bounds are set, they cannot pass. Thy days are known, and thy years shall not be numbered less; therefore, fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever.

I don't know how long it will take to dig myself out of this hole.  I don't know how long it will take to re-build trust and re-forge bonds with those that I have hurt along the way.  I simply know that my Savior suffered far greater for me and that all I can do is trust him.  I know that recovery and sobriety are the right path, and while they might not fix all my problems, I know that its worth it.

 

~~~ Tim

Patience and Thoughts on Step 6

So I was finishing Step 6 tonight and I was pondering one of the lessons in the Study and Understanding section.  It asked me to look at D&C 50:40-42 and apply it to myself by writing the verses out as if they were addressed to me personally.  Here is what I came up with.

Tim, you are a little child and you cannot bear all things, you must grow in grace and in the knowledge of the truth.  Fear not, my child, for you are mine, and I have overcome the world.

And you are numbered among those my Father has given me and you shall not be lost.

What a wonderful message from my Savior.  That he understands I cannot bear all things, that he knows me and I am His.  That I shall not be lost.  Especially apt given my Blog title and my old handle.  As I completed this exercise and read these words I was reminded of the analogy given by President Utchdorf at the last General Priesthood Session in April;

It can be discouraging at times to know what it means to be a son of God and yet come up short. The adversary likes to take advantage of these feelings. Satan would rather that you define yourself by your sins instead of your divine potential. Brethren, don’t listen to him.

We have all seen a toddler learn to walk. He takes a small step and totters. He falls. Do we scold such an attempt? Of course not. What father would punish a toddler for stumbling? We encourage, we applaud, and we praise because with every small step, the child is becoming more like his parents.

As an addict that has struggled time and time again with falling it is so empowering to read and learn that my Savior and my Heavenly Father understand.  Step 6 is all about recognizing and understanding the many weaknesses and bad habits that I have and need to work on.  It is difficult to write about them and recognize that despite believing for years that I was a pretty good guy with one dirty little habit, that I actually have many things that I need to work on and improve.  Fortunately, I am lucky to have a Savior that loves me, understands me and counts me as His.  If I stick with Him, I will not be lost.  

~~~ Tim

Living In The Light

I have been thinking a lot lately about the battle between light and darkness.  The core struggle that occurs within me between making good decisions and making poor ones.  Even being stagnant and doing nothing is an example of making a poor decision.  As I have pondered this subject I was reminded of the wonderful message given by President Utchdorf at the last session of General Conference.  His message was titled "The Hope Of God's Light". 

He talks a lot about the power of light and how it can bring light and hope to dark places. 
He testifies that this light is available to everyone, no matter our level of current righteousness or how we might view ourselves.

"It is part of our condition as mortal beings to sometimes feel as though we are surrounded by darkness. We might have lost a loved one; a child might have strayed; we might have received a troubling medical diagnosis; we might have employment challenges and be burdened by doubts or fears; or we might feel alone or unloved.

But even though we may feel lost in the midst of our current circumstances, God promises the hope of His light—He promises to illuminate the way before us and show us the way out of darkness."

As I was pondering this talk and this message over the last couple days I came across another wonderful reference in the scriptures that talks a lot about the struggle between darkness and light.  In John Chapter 1, verses 4 and 5 we read;

 

4 In him was life; and the life was the light of men.

5 And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not.

The part that really jumped out at me was the end of verse 5 when John tells us that "the darkness comprehended it not".  Satan doesn't understand the light.  He knows that he has no power to live in the places where the Savior dwells.  He doesn't understand the light.  When I choose to live in the light and surround myself with things of the Light, his power over me is lessened greatly.  President Utchdorf echos this sentiment in his message;

"The darkness will surely fade, because it cannot exist in the presence of light. As we draw near to God, He will draw near to us. And day by day, the hope of God’s light will grow within us, “brighter and brighter until the perfect day.”

 

The key to this concept is in the second sentence of President Utchdorf's quote, "as we draw near to God".  Living in the light must be a choice, an action.  If I stand in the corner and isolate myself, I am choosing the darkness.  I have to choose to live in the light and surround myself with light and like minded individuals. 

 

Adding to the power of President Utchdorf's testimony, we have many scriptural examples of those who chose to live in the light and the impact it had on their lives and others.  The example that comes to mind is that of Captain Moroni.  In Alma Chapter 48 we read about the great spiritual strength of Captain Moroni;

 

17 Yea, verily, verily I say unto you, if all men had been, and were, and ever would be, like unto Moroni, behold, the very powers of hell would have been shaken forever; yea, the devil would never have power over the hearts of the children of men.

 

Moroni chose to live in the light and so Satan wasn't able to have power over him.  The darkness doesn't comprehend the light.  It can't reach us when we are wrapped in the Light that comes from the Savior, when we allow it to permeate our very being.  Even when we fall, the Light is there to guide us back home if we continue to strive.  Our Father in Heaven and his divine Son recognize the greatness within us that we do not see ourselves and they are always there to love us and provide their light so long as we chose to live within it.  President Utchdorf again testifies;

 

"Your Heavenly Father knows that you will make mistakes. He knows that you will stumble—perhaps many times. This saddens Him, but He loves you. He does not wish to break your spirit. On the contrary, He desires that you rise up and become the person you were designed to be."

 

I am so grateful for the things and the people in my life that help me to choose the light and live in the light.  I am grateful that despite all my shortcomings, I am extremely blessed.  I am grateful for Prophets and leaders, both living and dead, whose example and message help me to understand these concepts better than I ever could on my own.  Most of all I am grateful for a loving Savior that will always provide his Light, I just have to chose to enter it.

 

~~~ Tim

Isolation

I've been struggling a lot lately with isolation. It feels like life has increased speeds exponentially and I am constantly coming or going. Due to some financial problems that occurred during my last relapse period I am working 7 days a week many weeks. The last 3 months I have only had 1 day off each month. On top of that it seems like either my wife or I has had an evening obligation almost every single evening. When your days start at 4AM, fighting to get the kids to bed at 9PM can be an arduous task. One of my favorite Christian songs is Worn by Tenth Avenue North.  There is a line in the lyrics that says; "I know I need to lift my eyes up.   But I'm too weak.   Life just won’t let up."

That is very much how my days have felt lately.  The ironic part is that in the very next part of the song it actually gives the answer to feeling this way in life; "And I know that you can give me rest.   So I cry out with all that I have left."  I know that the answer to isolation is to cry out, to my Savior and to my support system.  While at my PASG group the other night I read a quote in the Introduction of the LDS ARP manual that I really believe to be true regarding isolation and overcoming addiction; "By being humble and honest and calling upon God and others for help, you can overcome your addictions through the Atonement of Jesus Christ."  

I bolded the portion that jumped out at me when I read it.  To overcome isolation and have success with any type of addiction, I need to turn to my Savior and I need to be willing to use my support system and ask others for help.  It wasn't that long ago that I blogged about what a strength my support system can be when I am using them and letting them share my journey with me. I was also reminded the other day during a Sunday School class that it is often the little things in life that are missing.  

This reminded me of one of my all-time favorite scriptures in Alma 37:6-7;  6 Now ye may suppose that this is foolishness in me; but behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise.

7 And the Lord God doth work by means to bring about his great and eternal purposes; and by very small means the Lord doth confound the wise and bringeth about the salvation of many souls.

 This was a great comfort and reminder to me that the things I need to do to break out of this isolation cycle are not big things.  Rather, what I need to do is focus more on the little things.  I figured being honest about my struggles in a public fashion here and letting others in was a good place to start! 

~~~~ Tim

Best Step 4 Analogy EVER!

So I attended my normal PASG meeting last night.  It was an amazing night.  It definitely felt good to be honest about my recent struggles with isolation, to ask for love and support and then to soak in the sharing and testimonies of others. 

Towards the end of the meeting, one of the brothers shared that he has been stuck on Step 4.  A concept I can definitely relate to as I was stuck on Step 4 for a VEEEERRY long time, myself.  He then explained that he had come up with an analogy for helping him understand the struggle with Step 4 and the importance of getting through it.

He explained that he had found Step 4 to be like entering a place that you really want to be, a great movie at your favorite theatre, a fancy restaurant etc.  Only to find that someone has passed gas and it smells AWFUL.  You have two choices.  You can run away and avoid the awful smell.  Its the perfect excuse to leave, no one wants to spend time in a room where an awful odor is lingering.  Or you can tough it out, knowing that the smell is awful but it will eventually dissipate and you will get to enjoy the rest of your experience. 

Step 4 is so much the same.   We want to be in recovery, we want to push through and progress in the steps, but it STINKS!  Its like being in that room with the awful smell.  We know we should tough it out and finish what we came for but its so hard to get past that awful odor. 

I thought that was such a perfect analogy.  Step 4 really does stink.  Its hard, there is a huge potential there for triggers and its difficult to let go of secrets that have been buried for far too long.  Its so worth it though.  I know that in my own Step 4 experiences, it was such an amazing feeling to get those burdens off my shoulders and start to move forward again.

Step 4; it really is like a fart in the room.  But the air is so much fresher on the other side!

~~~ Tim

Journal: 100 days

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I feel like I haven't blogged in forever even though its only been 4 or 5 days.  Life seems to have sped up a great deal these last few weeks.  It seems like stress after stress and obligation after obligation has reared its ugly head.  It has made it very difficult to stay grounded and keep working on the things I need to work on.

Not all is bad though.  I got an alert from my sobriety app this afternoon that today is day 100.  I was pretty shocked.  I knew it was close but I really haven't been focusing too much on the number.  I do better when I focus on one day at a time.  I am still very humbled by this though.  I know it is only through working the steps, relying on my Savior and being willing to reach out that I have attained any success at all.

It is a great reminder of what got me here and what I need to keep doing if I am to keep moving forward.

Thanks for all your love and support!

~~~ Tim

Helpful Analogies: The Freeway

Probably more than any other analogy that has been shared with me over the years of my recovery, this one has impacted me the most.  My primary support sponsor uses this one almost every time we talk and text.  It has helped me to see the big picture on many occasions.

The Freeway

Recovery is like driving on the freeway.  It is the safest, fastest and most established route to get us to our destination:  A happy life of sobriety with wonderful connections and strong relationship with the Savior.  But in order to have success in recovery, or driving on the freeway, one must abide by certain rules.

• Don't go too fast.  Much like driving on the freeway, trying to rush our recovery can lead to accidents(slips/relapses).  The steps are designed to help us grow, but we can only learn and grow with time.  I sometimes have to remind myself that I have been an addict for over 20 years.  Lasting recovery won't happen over night.  You don't change 20 years of bad habits with one good week or one good month.  Trying to push through a step a week or at a pace too fast prevents us from gaining the knowledge and growth that we will need to progress through future steps.  
• Don't stop or slow down too much.  If you stop in the middle of the freeway, eventually you are going to have an accident.  Other cars may swerve around you for a period of time but eventually the crash will happen.  Stopping recovery is much the same.  If I just stop working the steps or doing dailies or attending meetings.  I will crash.  Much like a vehicle stopped in the middle of the freeway, halting my recovery is an accident waiting to happen.  Even slowing down substantially can have a drastic impact on my safety.  If I try to drive 30 on the freeway, I am going to  have an accident.  Recovery is the same.  Doing the bare minimum and slowly puttering along, WILL lead to a crash.
• Be careful where you stop.  When you are traveling, sometimes you need to stop for gas and food.  Visits to the little boys/girls room can also slow our journey.  Recovery is much the same way.  Bad days will happen.  We all take pit stops from the freeway at times.  The places we choose to stop can make all the difference.  If I am having a bad day, and I am struggling mightily, do I choose to isolate, to hide from others and refuse to reach out for help?  This would be like stopping at the seedy rest stop with all the lights burned out and sending your child in alone to use the restroom.  Much like a child needs a parent to watch over and protect them in a potentially dangerous environment. Addicts need support individuals, family members, loving Bishops and of course the Savior.  Bad days will come, it's part of the process.  But we don't have to choose to enter that unlit bathroom all alone. 
• If you do find yourself stuck in a dangerous place, get back on the freeway!  The most amazing part about recovery is that we are always near an on-ramp.  The freeway is always in sight.  If I stray away, one quick course correction can get me back moving again.  All it takes is that surrender of will to the Savior.  That acknowledgement that he is ultimately steering this car along the journey and if we give him back the keys he will skillfully pilot the vehicle back onto the freeway. 

This analogy has helped me so many times over the years.  I can't tell you how many times I have gotten a text from my sponsor when I am struggling that simply says; "Are you on the freeway?"  He doesn't have to explain, I know what he means.  Am I doing my part, am I letting the Savior share my journey and most importantly, am I moving forward? 

Here's to a great journey!

~~~ Tim

My Story

I have spent many hours over my life trying to determine the roots of my struggle with things of a sexual nature.  It is hard to really pinpoint every factor but I think it will be helpful for me and others to put in writing my journey to this point.  So here goes.

I moved to Utah when I was 5 years old.  When I was younger there was no Internet and outside of mail order, adult magazines and films were unheard of.  I still vividly remember the first time I was ever exposed to pornography.  I was around 7 or 8 years old.  I grew up across the street from a large undeveloped field.  It was overgrown with trees, brush and rocks.  It was every young boys dream.  A wilderness adventure area a 90 second walk from my home.  It was where my friends and I passed our summer days, building forts and having battles with rocks and sticks.  Well a few years after I moved there, they started to develop the land and one by one, houses started to pop up in this abandoned area.  There were still places to play but it wasn't quite the same.  One afternoon my friends and I were playing near one of the houses under construction and we found an adult magazine.  We immediately sat down and started looking at the images.  We were all good kids with a religious background from strong LDS families.  But we looked, and we looked a lot.  The next day one of my friends pulled a few of the images from his pocket that he had torn from the magazine and we looked again.  Even at that young age I remember being strangely drawn to specific images.  It was like they became embedded in my brain.

After that it was a few years before any further exposure but I never forgot that magazine and the images within.

My addiction escalated again when I was about 13.  We got cable TV at my house for the first time ever.  As part of our package we got HBO.  Within days of the service being activated I realized that there were films being aired with strong sexual undertones and adult scenes.  It was then that a whole new world opened up to me.  It was around this same time that I discovered masturbation.  I discovered it almost by accident.  I was scratching and adjusting and it felt good, so I kept going until it was over.  I had no idea what I had just experienced, but I liked it; I liked it but I was scared at the same time.  I remember immediately being worried that someone would find out.  Something deep inside of me whispered "don't tell your parents."

I continued experimenting for a while after that, not really knowing what I was doing but still keeping it a secret.

When I was 14, I had a lesson in my Teacher's Quorum on morality and inappropriate films and masturbation were both discussed.  For the first time since I'd discovered those feelings, I knew of a surety that what I was doing was wrong; that it was a sin.  For a while I was scared strait.  I white-knuckled and managed to maintain a period of abstinence.

In the coming years I would be exposed to adult phone lines and chat services.  It was here that I first discovered the allure and escape of fantasy where I could escape reality and be someone else; someone that I thought was more desirable, more fun.  Prior to serving a mission I was able to white-knuckle for a period of time but I was called to serve in Belgium and France.  Not exactly the best locale for one who struggles with things of a sexual nature.

On my mission I was constantly bombarded with adult magazines and television clips.  In Belgium, prostitution is legal and prevalent.  There are "red light districts" where the adult industry is openly on display in every community.  Things were almost as bad in France where adult magazines and books are clearly visible in every bookstore and gas station and nudity is commonplace on standard television.    I did not always seek these things out, they were just there, everywhere.  I struggled mightily at times. 

When I returned home I quickly fell back into my bad habits and for the first time in my life I had daily Internet access.  I quickly spiraled out of control.  For a time I quit even trying to fight it off.  I indulged on a regular basis.  It was a very dark time.  After 2-3 years of significant struggles there were 2 amazing things that happened.  First, I met Sidreis and we started to get serious and she made it clear that even though she had also had her struggles that she wanted the fairy tale.  She wanted the temple and a worthy Priesthood holder.  Around that same time, one of the great miracles of my life occurred.  Out of the blue, I received a letter in the mail from the Bishop of my home ward.  I hadn't lived there in 2-3 years but he had been one of my Young Men's leaders when I was growing up and had always been a great role model to me.  His letter was simple.  He simply let me know that I was missed.  That I was loved and that his door was always open if I needed to talk.  It was just the push I needed.  For the first time in my life I shared everything that I had struggled with, all the baggage that I had been carrying around since I was 13 years old.  It was hard, yet strangely empowering.  I felt so much lighter to have finally shared my burden.

Sidreis and I were married shortly after that and I continued the process with a new Bishop.  I had to go through a disciplinary council and started working towards entering the Temple.  But despite my efforts I had still not really come to understand the nature of my addiction.  I found myself falling back into old habits.  Chatting online and calling phone lines.  Fantasy once again became my escape from reality.

We would move again shortly after this and I would once again find myself in the office of a new Bishop.  This time I was able to white knuckle and gain some significant sobriety.  I was able to enter the temple and be sealed to my wife and my oldest son.  It was a wonderful time but it didn't last long.  The Bishop that had been our rock and helped us fight to get to the temple was made the Stake President and we didn't bond with the new Bishop.  On top of that our finances were falling apart, I was debating whether or not to go back to school and once again we moved.

Our new ward was very transient with tons of apartments and rentals.  The turnover was constant and it was so easy to fall through the cracks, and so we did.  We were almost completely inactive.  It was easier to hide then to own up to another Bishop about my struggles.  Finally through the prayers and efforts of an amazing Elder Quorum President and his sweet wife and a Bishop that wouldn't let us fall through the cracks, we began attending Church again.  It was then that my wife first started attending 12 Step meetings.  It was like watching a miracle unfolding before my eyes.  I could see her changing, the darkness falling away from her countenance and hope forming in her eyes.  But I didn't have the strength to follow her example.  The breakthrough finally happened around the time that she was to go back to the temple.  I wasn't worthy to go with her and so I was a mess.  She was confused as to what was going on and so  I was finally able to spill that I needed the recovery program just as much as she did.  It was a small step but I was finally moving forward.

The first time I attended a meeting I almost had a panic attack.  I have a very public job that requires me to interact with a large number of people in my community.  I was horrified at who I might see there.  I even mentally made a list of the WORST people I could see at a meeting.  Neighbors, co-workers, my parents' friends and neighbors, my older brother.  I was so scared.  Ultimately though I made it to a  meeting and it was an amazing experience.

Since then my life has been a bit of a roller coaster.  When I am actively working the steps and doing what I need to be doing, things are mostly good.  There are struggles but they can be managed through humility, honesty and prayer.  When I am not doing these things, the addiction and desire to escape to fantasy rears its ugly head once again.  It is a daily struggle that is only manageable when I include the Savior and my support system in my battles.  I am not strong enough to fight this alone, but with divine help and a strong brotherhood of recovering friends I can do it.  I am the son of a loving Heavenly Father and I do not have to fight this battle alone.  I just have to be humble enough to ask for help and let people in.

Helpful Analogies: The Journey

One of the easiest way for me to learn is through parables and analogies.  I love reading the New Testament because this was often the method that the Savior used to teach his followers.  I will often come home from my weekly group and share any cool analogies I heard with Sidreis.  Because this has been such a great way for me to learn I decided to start sharing them here.  One, in hopes that they might help someone else, and two, so I have a handy list to refer to of all my favorites.

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The Journey

 This analogy was shared with me by the lead Missionary in the PASG program in our area a few years back.  I have heard it from others as well but I will never forget the night he shared it with me.  I had been struggling to complete step 4 for quite some time.  I had even totally scrapped it at one point and started over.  He pulled me aside one night and said they were considering making me a facilitator and asked my thoughts about it.  I explained that I didn't think I was ready because I was struggling to complete step 4.  He asked why and I poured out my struggles to him.  He smiled and patted me on the back and then asked me a strange question.  "Tim, have you ever been to the Marriott Center on BYU Campus?"  I was confused but replied that I had.  He then asked me another question.  "If you were around the corner from the Marriott Center and you accidentally took a wrong turn.  Would you turn around and correct your course, or would you drive back home and start over?"  The answer seemed so obvious that I didn't answer right away.  He then explained that recovery worked the same way.  Whether it is a slip, relapse or simply struggling to complete a step.  We all take wrong turns.  It is part of the process, but taking a wrong turn doesn't negate the progress you have made.  It doesn't mean you have to go back to the starting line.  Yes, course corrections are often in order and it takes work, effort and relying on the Lord to get back on course, but I do not have to start over at the beginning.

Recovery IS a journey and there are many twists, turns and pitfalls along the way.  I make wrong turns, I run out of gas and sometimes I just want to climb in the backseat of the car and take a nap.  Fortunately, I have the most amazing road trip buddy around in my Savior and an amazing pit crew of friends and family to help push my car back onto the course when I stray.